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Author Topic: They're Hurt?  (Read 406 times)
FigureIt
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« on: October 14, 2014, 10:11:52 AM »

How do you get passed the constant "poor me"? 

This weekend there was a pancake breakfast fundraiser for my D8's sports club.  My D8 and I had to work it for an hour.  On thurs., 2 days before I mentioned the event to my uBPDbf and asked if he wanted to come, but left it open.  I also asked my parents who are in their 60's to come.  I didn't ask my uBPDbf parent's because they are in their 80's & his father has alzheimer's, so it would be much more difficult, etc. 

Anyways, my uBPDbf went out with co-workers Friday evening and got drunk, came home at midnight by being driven by someone, when I was up getting ready for the breakfast he had no intent of going.  Then went out for the day/evening with his friend on saturday.

Now today he says to me "it just hurt that everyone else including your ex, his sweetheart, his family" (all D8' father's family)... ."your parents all were there.  I do not even find out about it until 36 hours before the event.  Plus, my parents are not considered."   Are you f-ing kidding me. 

Most things he decides to do/plan I don't find out until maybe 3 hours before, let alone a day.  Then, he never planned on attending, yet now feels guilty cause he didn't and puts it on me.  I'm to blame, it's all my fault.  Poor Him!
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maxsterling
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: living together, engaged
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« Reply #1 on: October 14, 2014, 11:12:04 AM »

how do you get past it?  Well, you accept this behavior is par for the course, a deep-rooted part of the disease.  through trial and error and patience and practice, you may learn techniques to validate his underlying emotion of abandonment and rejection.  You may also learn to set boundaries so that his blame doesn't wear you out.  At least that is what I am trying to do - accept that behavior such as this is part of who she is, and I need to go about my life without trying to fix or manage hers.  I understand where you are coming from here - this is EXTREMELY frustrating.  I've had my fiancĂ© tell me in a long-winded rant a few months ago that she never wants to be close to my family or friends.  Then last week it was, "why haven't I met any of your friends?" and last night was a long-winded rant about how my mom hasn't called her back and therefore must hate her.
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FigureIt
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« Reply #2 on: October 14, 2014, 12:46:39 PM »

I validated his "abandonment" by saying "I understand how you feel, I'm sorry it wasn't my intent.  I knew I had to work it and wouldn't have time to spend with you."  Thought it was good validation.  His response seemed like he knew... .he replied "I understand."

To be forthcoming, I invited him to my D8's practice swim meet this Friday, so that he knows in advance.  He replies with "he's probably going to a hockey game."  So, now I'm irritated!  There was no mention of this hockey game, until I go and say I have something.  AND, this isn't the first time this has happened either.  Twice in the past 4 months I have given advanced notification of something and both times he has all of the sudden created some plans.  It is as though he want me to feel bad that he made plans and now he may need to break those plans.  I would bet you a million $$$$'s those plans don't exist until I state mine.
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LilHurt420
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« Reply #3 on: October 14, 2014, 03:18:30 PM »

At this point I ignore it and don't feed into it.  As long as I've extended the invitation to things I don't care how he feels about his decisions to go/not go.  My uBPDh has gone to VERY few family events with me in the last 10 years we've been together.  He's never even met anyone on my dads sides (besides my dad and a few uncles) and has gone to my moms side (who I'm closer with) a handful of times.  My cousin on my moms side has Sunday dinner quite often and I enjoy going to see all my cousins.  I invite him every time and he always declines (go figure that he feels "weird" going since he's done so many bad things to me and he knows how they look at him).  He usually tries to make me feel bad for going and being away from him, yet he always makes his own plans on other days.  I just can't be bothered anymore so I just ignore it now.
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FigureIt
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« Reply #4 on: October 15, 2014, 08:25:52 AM »

He usually tries to make me feel bad for going and being away from him, yet he always makes his own plans on other days.  I just can't be bothered anymore so I just ignore it now.

What do you do when he tries to make you feel bad.  Mine does the same thing, even regarding weekly errands/plans.  He'll claim "I'm not there for him." "He's not feeling loved."

But... .he will make plans, go out, etc. without any care/consideration for me.
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Indyan
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated for 15 months, court 4 months ago
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« Reply #5 on: October 15, 2014, 08:53:17 AM »

Mine is the constantly the victim.

Although I was the one left alone with 2 kids, including a baby, with no job and no family nearby.

It's just unbelievable.

But there's worse: his family supports this. So I feel betrayed by both him AND his family.
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ColdEthyl
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« Reply #6 on: October 15, 2014, 05:12:28 PM »

My husband doesn't go to many family events, either. The stress of going is just too much for him, and it's better for me if I don't have to juggle that, so I do a lot on my own.

Often, when they lash out at you about something, it's because they feel guilty. It seems to me most emotions at their base form get turned into anger/anxiety and panic for them. So, when he's started trying to turn the tables on you, it's not YOUR fault, and you cannot control that.

With mine, what I do is make plans, let him know, and offer for him to go. No pressure. If he starts to feel left out, I remind him he has the opportunity to go, but if he would like to do something just he and i, we can plan that too. (whenever he feels left out, really he's just upset at himself for not going)

@Figureit this is a really hard lesson to learn when in a r/s with a pwBPD. It will ALWAYS be about them. No if, ands, or buts about it. They CAN'T see things the way nons do. I bet he has no hockey game, but that's his way of trying to punish you for the unseen slight he thinks you have done to him. Just say ok! Act like you don't care, and go about your business. What he wants there is for YOU to get mad and start a fight, then he feels like he has the green light to dysregulate.

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FigureIt
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« Reply #7 on: October 16, 2014, 01:17:40 PM »

I figured that the hockey game was made up, but I checked into the practice meet and talked to my D8 about possibly missing it and she was okay with it (since it was a practice.)  So, I tell my uBPDbf that I will go to the hockey game with him last night and this AM he texts me "I told them (meaning his company) just one ticket which I can cancel out of.  Again, though, horrible communication." 

Now last night he told me he didn't know how many tickets, now this AM it is only one... .what the heck!  Just prove never existed anyways.

Then I tell him I'm doing a Breast Cancer Walk this weekend and ask him to join me.  He is irritated last night that I made plans again and "won't be there."  The walk is at 10am and lasts about an hour.  Yet, I asked him to come join me, that this is something I want to do and if he wants to be with me, come with me.

This AM I get a text saying "the Sat. event did not just happen, I knew in advance... ." And "you have the arrogance to 'guilt me' into going and put the blame on me."  Then how he is working SOO much, blah, blah... .yet he gives me crap for doing it in the first place.
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ColdEthyl
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Relationship status: Married 2 years
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« Reply #8 on: October 16, 2014, 04:54:53 PM »

Ok, I'm going to help here. What I'm not sure is on is HOW you said these things.

Case in point: The part where he's saying "you tried to guilt him" is an indicator of his OWN guilt he is PROJECTING on you. The walking event... .I would have said something like "I'm thinking of doing this or that... .do you think that's something you would be interested in doing with me?" If you said to him "I am going to do this" it triggers that junk that he says to himself about you making plans without him.

It's a small difference to US in form of language, but it is the difference between mountains and molehills to them.
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LilHurt420
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« Reply #9 on: October 17, 2014, 01:00:24 PM »

He usually tries to make me feel bad for going and being away from him, yet he always makes his own plans on other days.  I just can't be bothered anymore so I just ignore it now.

What do you do when he tries to make you feel bad.  Mine does the same thing, even regarding weekly errands/plans.  He'll claim "I'm not there for him." "He's not feeling loved."

But... .he will make plans, go out, etc. without any care/consideration for me.

I just reiterate that I invited him and he decided not to go.  Then I change the subject.  I used to try to "make it up to him" or keep talking about it and that did no good.  This seems to work now just changing the subject, especially if the subject is something about him (BPD's love talking about themselves)
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FigureIt
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« Reply #10 on: October 17, 2014, 01:48:04 PM »

So I gave him an out of the walk that I "guilted him" about.  I told him that I didn't take into account how busy he was and that he could stay home, no problem.  Which in all honesty I don't care that he doesn't come, it's just frustrating that he'll turn it against me because I go.

Then his response was I was going to take you to breakfast for Sweetest Day and then we would do something.  That's all whoohaaa too.  What frustrates me is that instead of just leaving it, he has to find something of how to turn the "guilt" around.  There were never ANY plans to take me to breakfast and NEVER before have we celebrated "Sweetest Day." 

So, this isn't the first time where he tells me that he had "secret/surprise" plans which couldn't happen because of some plans I have made.  How do you react/adjust to this?  It always seems to be a turn around to blame me.
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LilHurt420
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« Reply #11 on: October 17, 2014, 02:16:46 PM »

So I gave him an out of the walk that I "guilted him" about.  I told him that I didn't take into account how busy he was and that he could stay home, no problem.  Which in all honesty I don't care that he doesn't come, it's just frustrating that he'll turn it against me because I go.

Then his response was I was going to take you to breakfast for Sweetest Day and then we would do something.  That's all whoohaaa too.  What frustrates me is that instead of just leaving it, he has to find something of how to turn the "guilt" around.  There were never ANY plans to take me to breakfast and NEVER before have we celebrated "Sweetest Day." 

So, this isn't the first time where he tells me that he had "secret/surprise" plans which couldn't happen because of some plans I have made.  How do you react/adjust to this?  It always seems to be a turn around to blame me.

My uBPDh has done this numerous times too.  Not lately though, so I haven't ever dealt with it the right way.  There always seems to be surprise planned (that you knew was never really planned) to try to guilt you into something.
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ColdEthyl
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« Reply #12 on: October 17, 2014, 02:42:49 PM »

See,the problem here is YOU are still doing an activity WITHOUT him, so he's gonna dig around for some BS to try to throw the blame off of himself. If this event is something you really want to do, then I would do like you have... .you said you didn't think of his plans, he doesn't have to go. What he wants is for you not to go.

If this is important to you, and you really want to do it, its a matter of laying out boundaries. "I love you, I'm sorry if my plans have interrupted any of yours. In the future, I'll try better to discuss any plans with you. But right now, I'm to this event."

Your other option, if you honestly want to spend time with him rather than the event, would be to "let" him arrange that activity (more than likely, he will just go into a dysregulation and call the thing off anyways, since he really didn't plan anything to begin with)

"I love you, I'm sorry if my plans have interrupted any of yours. In the future, I'll try better to discuss any plans with you before committing to anything. Instead of going on that walk... .I'd really like to go to breakfast with you if that's still something you would like to do"
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FigureIt
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« Reply #13 on: October 20, 2014, 12:51:30 PM »

So, I went to my event which took all of maybe 2hrs.  We ended up going out to a bar later that afternoon, but by 8pm after dinner I wasn't feeling good (like stomach flu).  I asked to go home and then all hell broke loose.  I'm no fun, all I want to do is go home (we had been out for 6hrs.) 

We went home and he continued on.  I said nothing, he was trying to bait me over & over.  Finally, he went and slept downstairs.  In the morning he apologized for us arguing, but that he's frustrated.  That I'm not there for him, which is all BS and in his head.  I don't know what else to say other than "I'm sorry you feel that way."

I had something brief to do with my D8 on Friday. I invited him and again he "had plans", which he didn't and didn't go do, but gave me attitude because I went.  I said to him, if you went with me, then you'd be spending time with me"  His response was "Oh, I have to fit into your schedule."  --- How is that wrong?

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