Hard day... Cont'd...

[MaroonLiquid]

here is my last topic... .https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=234588.msg12509700#new

Formflier, should I confront what I see as anxiety around her trip and me not going or wait for her to contact me?

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[MaroonLiquid]

So I texted and asked if she was having anxiety about the trip using SET and brought up something she said to reflect my position.  She said, "That the comment was said at a different time (it wasn't, she lied) and said that she had none (anxiety, stress etc) at all and that she was looking forward to getting away.  Rrrrriiiiggghhttt... .Anyway, I just said, ok thanks for being honest.  I feel anxiety this afternoon.  :)idn't bring up the boundary I set regarding the insurance last night, but I want to ask her, "Help me to understand why we haven't spent any time together in 4-1/2 weeks."  She won't respond... .I'm just missing her today again.  It's like she has no feelings and emotionless!  :)oes she not miss me?  Curious as to why she has avoided my attempts to get together.

[MaroonLiquid]

We made an appointment for couples therapy in three weeks and they specialize in BPD.  She doesn't know it.

I asked if she wanted to have lunch on Friday and she said she already had plans.  I asked if she had any time this week to get together.  She asked, "for what" and I said, "so we could spend some time together."  She responded that she doesn't want to spend time with me.  I said, "Ok, suit yourself, have a good week".  Geez... .Gotta admit, I walked right into that one.  That cut, but didn't show it and stayed steady.  Amazing sometimes how deep what they say cuts.  Even when you start to get healthy and set boundaries.  Sucks... .

[formflier]

should I confront 

No... ."confrontation" and BPD don't work well together... .

Confrontation and boundaries are very different.  Boundary is when they have put something in your face... .or "done something"... .then you protect yourself.

Confrontation is like you trying to "do something" to them for some sort of misdeed or bad thought.

Boundary is making them "confront" themselves with a "well... .that didn't work to get the reaction I wanted... so what now... " internal thought.

Confrontation will most likely result in a "why is he being mean to me... ." internal thought process.

Hoping everyone sees a HUGE difference in these two ways looking at things...

[formflier]

 Geez... .Gotta admit, I walked right into that one.

You pitched her a fast ball... .and she knocked it out of the park.  STOP PITCHING

    Even when you start to get healthy and set boundaries.

I think it would be wise to step back and look at your text and emails for last several weeks.

Ask yourself... .":)oes it appear she is "being chased"... .or pursued... ."

Sometimes if a pwBPD gets that feeling... .they will "push away".  Once they stop feeling pursued... .they get some abandonment fear and they want to "pull you back in". 

I'm thinking your goal is to get her to the point where she wants to pull you back... .and then you can really work some lessons and strategies... .to help avoid and lessen the next "push away" cycle.

Make sense?  Thoughts?

[MaroonLiquid]

When I said "confront", I meant approach the subject.  I am going to step back in a major way.  When I do that, she does come around.  It makes perfect sense.  Now, as far as counseling, what can I expect in the first several sessions?   Will she try and make it all about me and my issues?  How does a therapist deal with a "high-conflict couple" usually?

[formflier]

When I said "confront", I meant approach the subject.  I am going to step back in a major way.  When I do that, she does come around.  It makes perfect sense.  Now, as far as counseling, what can I expect in the first several sessions?   Will she try and make it all about me and my issues?  How does a therapist deal with a "high-conflict couple" usually?

Have you guys done counseling before?  I wouldn't expect much... .just showing up and discussing things would be a high expectation.

Maybe a joint session or two... .then some individual... .then back together.

What "style" of therapy are you going to try?

[MaroonLiquid]

When I said "confront", I meant approach the subject.  I am going to step back in a major way.  When I do that, she does come around.  It makes perfect sense.  Now, as far as counseling, what can I expect in the first several sessions?   Will she try and make it all about me and my issues?  How does a therapist deal with a "high-conflict couple" usually?

Have you guys done counseling before?  I wouldn't expect much... .just showing up and discussing things would be a high expectation.

Maybe a joint session or two... .then some individual... .then back together.

What "style" of therapy are you going to try?

We have not done counseling together before.  I have my own therapist who specializes in PD's, but she won't see him.  Insisted on a "neutral third party".    Anyway, this therapist seems to focus on DBT style of therapy.  What do you meant "just showing up and discussing things would be a high expectation"?

[formflier]

  What do you meant "just showing up and discussing things would be a high expectation"?

First... .you should be agreeable to go... .but don't seem excited... or that it is a big or critical thing to you.

a pwBPD could exploit that... .or use it to argue.

Tons of stories on these boards about people backing out of counseling. 

I've had my wife storm out several times.  I've had her dominate a session and it be all about her feelings.

Even today... .I had a MC... .I wanted to talk about money... .we never got to that.  We talked about a misunderstanding that lead to hurt feelings this past weekend.  She had a mild dysregulation... .MC did good work redirecting...

So... priority one for you... .get her in the door.  Don't be shocked if she reschedules... gets lost... .forgot she had another appointment... .etc etc.

Don't react if it gets rescheduled.

Then... .don't feel like she must do "xyz" for it to be a good session.  Just her there participating is good.

These things build on themselves.

[MaroonLiquid]

  What do you meant "just showing up and discussing things would be a high expectation"?

First... .you should be agreeable to go... .but don't seem excited... or that it is a big or critical thing to you.

a pwBPD could exploit that... .or use it to argue.

Tons of stories on these boards about people backing out of counseling. 

I've had my wife storm out several times.  I've had her dominate a session and it be all about her feelings.

Even today... .I had a MC... .I wanted to talk about money... .we never got to that.  We talked about a misunderstanding that lead to hurt feelings this past weekend.  She had a mild dysregulation... .MC did good work redirecting...

So... priority one for you... .get her in the door.  Don't be shocked if she reschedules... gets lost... .forgot she had another appointment... .etc etc.

Don't react if it gets rescheduled.

Then... .don't feel like she must do "xyz" for it to be a good session.  Just her there participating is good.

These things build on themselves.

Thanks for the info... .I haven't put too much emphasis on it, just told her who we were seeing, and asked her what her availability was... .

Right now, silence between us after she told me she doesn't want to spend time with me (probably because I set the boundary of getting together about insurance and she knows that seeing her is important to me... .CONTROL FREAK).  I'm fine with that.  She doesn't get a rise out of me or a negative reaction anymore which I'm proud of myself for... .

[MaroonLiquid]

I'm thinking your goal is to get her to the point where she wants to pull you back... .and then you can really work some lessons and strategies... .to help avoid and lessen the next "push away" cycle.

Make sense?  [/quote]
This is exactly what I'm trying to accomplish, but it seems that when we get "too close", she dysregulates about something... .

[formflier]

This is exactly what I'm trying to accomplish, but it seems that when we get "too close", she dysregulates about something... .

My vibe... .from reading your posts is that when you get close... .there is an element of wanting to get even closer... .or she perceives "chasing"... .

Just be thinking about that.

Be more nonchalant about being close with her... .

[MaroonLiquid]

This is exactly what I'm trying to accomplish, but it seems that when we get "too close", she dysregulates about something... .

My vibe... .from reading your posts is that when you get close... .there is an element of wanting to get even closer... .or she perceives "chasing"... .

Just be thinking about that.

Be more nonchalant about being close with her... .

Explain "be more nonchalant".  Son't be so quick to make plans with her?  Not be together as much?  No intimacy?  Go home at a reasonable hour?  That kind of stuff?

[formflier]

 

To me nonchalant means you are fine with things... either way... .

[MaroonLiquid]

To me nonchalant means you are fine with things... either way... .

Thanks formflier... .That's what it means to me too.  Anyway, Day 3 of not contacting her.  I believe she will either contact me today or tomorrow.  My day today is filled with helping someone move... .Hooray... .I have so much excitement about it... .  I would rather be with my family, but oh well.  Quick question.  I worry about what my kids (her 3 by a previous marriage but they call me dad as theirs is a deadbeat and refuses to see them or take care of them. I have 3 by a previous marriage also) think about our situation.  I know she has lied to them about me.  I hate this part of it.  She is destroying them and my relationship with them through this.  I fell like she is making them believe that there is no one to trust in this world but her.  She has told me not to contact them so I don't.  Don't want to get a restraining order or be accused of something.  What do you think they think of me and our situation?

[formflier]

What do you think they think of me and our situation?

I wouldn't spend anymore time or energy thinking about your r/s with the kids.  You don't control that... and that r/s is not the problem... .it is a side issue.  I'm not saying it is not important... .

The issue here is the primary relationship... .you and her.  If you guys work that out... .then the r/s with the kids will come along just fine.  If you guys don't work out your primary r/s (in other word... .get a divorce)... .then you will need to address access to those kids in that settlement.

That's a tough situation to be in... .but I recommend recognizing that... .and recognizing what power you have... .and don't have... and move on.

Fighting against something that you don't control will lead to frustration... .and disappointment.

[MaroonLiquid]

What do you think they think of me and our situation?

I wouldn't spend anymore time or energy thinking about your r/s with the kids.  You don't control that... and that r/s is not the problem... .it is a side issue.  I'm not saying it is not important... .

The issue here is the primary relationship... .you and her.  If you guys work that out... .then the r/s with the kids will come along just fine.  If you guys don't work out your primary r/s (in other word... .get a divorce)... .then you will need to address access to those kids in that settlement.

That's a tough situation to be in... .but I recommend recognizing that... .and recognizing what power you have... .and don't have... and move on.

Fighting against something that you don't control will lead to frustration... .and disappointment.

Good point!  Anyway, got a call from a auto shop that has always fixed our vehicles and the car she has needs $600 worth of work.  She has no car for the moment.  Surprised she hasn't called me about it.  Oh well, these are things that are happening to her that she didn't think about when she "kicked me out" 3-1/2 months ago.  I guess she needs to taste her choices.  I hate it for her, because that much with our combined incomes was not easy to adjust for, but now... .A part of me wants to text her and ask her if she needs anything, but I won't.  I don't want to enable her.  If she needs anything, she knows how to get a hold of me.  It's still hard!

[Grey Kitty]

Anyway, got a call from a auto shop that has always fixed our vehicles and the car she has needs $600 worth of work... .

Are your finances separate in a clear way right now? Is her car clearly her problem to be paid for out of her income? (If they are NOT that clear... .I highly recommend you clarify them right away)

You could send her a quick email saying that you got a call from the shop about her car, on the chance that they decided to contact you (the guy) instead of her (the owner).

A part of me wants to text her and ask her if she needs anything, but I won't.  I don't want to enable her.  If she needs anything, she knows how to get a hold of me.  It's still hard!

You got that one right!

[MaroonLiquid]

Anyway, got a call from a auto shop that has always fixed our vehicles and the car she has needs $600 worth of work... .

Are your finances separate in a clear way right now? Is her car clearly her problem to be paid for out of her income? (If they are NOT that clear... .I highly recommend you clarify them right away)

You could send her a quick email saying that you got a call from the shop about her car, on the chance that they decided to contact you (the guy) instead of her (the owner).

A part of me wants to text her and ask her if she needs anything, but I won't.  I don't want to enable her.  If she needs anything, she knows how to get a hold of me.  It's still hard!

You got that one right!

Yes, our finances are separate and clear.  Easy to be reintegrated, but definitely clear as to who is responsible.

[MaroonLiquid]

So it's been 5 days since any communication whatsoever with my wife.  Starting to miss her, but don't want to break.  I think she thinks I'll contact her first.  I am starting to hope she texts me.   . Much stronger than I used to be.  Really wonder if she is even thinking about me?... Oh well.  Can't control that.  Can only work on myself.  A part of me thinks if I would not have told her that she needed to meet me regarding insurance (told her first that I would keep her on my insurance) that she would still be talking to me... .Why am I doing this to myself?

[formflier]

.Why am I doing this to myself?

Because you care about here and the r/s... and the kids involved.

Hang in there...      

You are also strong enough now to realize that in the past... the "caring" has gotten you in trouble.  Use the wisdom that you have gained to hold to what you know is the right thing to do.

[MaroonLiquid]

Have really struggled today with my emotions today.  Been an emotional wreck (grieving I guess) and had a very hard day... .Realizing Sunday's are hard because it was always a family day for us.  We would got to church, go home, watch football and take a nap as a couple.  Doing what I know is the right thing to change my relationship for the better has been difficult, but does at make this any easier.   :'(

[123Phoebe]

Have really struggled today with my emotions today.  Been an emotional wreck (grieving I guess) and had a very hard day... .Realizing Sunday's are hard because it was always a family day for us.  We would got to church, go home, watch football and take a nap as a couple.  Doing what I know is the right thing to change my relationship for the better has been difficult, but does at make this any easier.   :'(

Aw, this stuff is hard, MaroonLiquid   Our emotions can really do a number on us.

My day today is filled with helping someone move... .Hooray... .I have so much excitement about it... . 

Anything else (other than her) that gets your juices flowing?  This might be a good time to book that skydiving lesson , or learn a foreign language, break out the telescope... .  Find something that speaks to you and you alone, something that excites you that you can lose yourself with interest in

[MaroonLiquid]

Anything else (other than her) that gets your juices flowing?  This might be a good time to book that skydiving lesson , or learn a foreign language, break out the telescope... .  Find something that speaks to you and you alone, something that excites you that you can lose yourself with interest in

Really wanting to go hit the golfball again.  Love golf.  Will probably go do that later in the week.  I miss it.  My emotions are better today.  Just realizing Sundays are tough right now.  I've gotten through it.

[123Phoebe]

Anything else (other than her) that gets your juices flowing?  This might be a good time to book that skydiving lesson , or learn a foreign language, break out the telescope... .  Find something that speaks to you and you alone, something that excites you that you can lose yourself with interest in

Really wanting to go hit the golfball again.  Love golf.  Will probably go do that later in the week.  I miss it.  My emotions are better today.  Just realizing Sundays are tough right now.  I've gotten through it.

Glad to hear you're feeling better   How fun, looking forward to golf!  Yay!

[MaroonLiquid]

Yes, golf is fun!  Anyway, I'm starting to realize that pwBPD must have a box on the shelf that they stuff everything into that is too difficult to deal with.  Otherwise, how can you not talk to your husband of almost 6 years for days/weeks and not see him for weeks/months at a time.  It's ridiculous.  I'm hoping her mother being in town will do her some good.  Not expecting too much as she "doesn't want to get involved" (enabler in her life), however, my wife is an emotional wreck and maybe she will see that.

[MaroonLiquid]

So today is day 6 of no contact between us.  Not emotional today, just getting harder and harder to not contact her.  I think I'm afraid if I don't, she will think I have abandoned her, but if I do, it will continue the "control issues" she has.  Fine line here and don't want to cross either... .Want her to "taste her choices" and let her fend for herself, but not in a vindictive way... .Sorry if I'm repeating myself... .Just hard

[MissyM]

So today is day 6 of no contact between us.  Not emotional today, just getting harder and harder to not contact her.

Hmm, so wonder what the advice is for this?  When my dBPDh and I weren't really talking and he was extremely erratic (while separated), the therapists suggested I reach out to him and just say loving things.  Not chase him or try and force/control him.    He would respond to this with anger but it did seem to open the door.  What do the old-timers here suggest?

[123Phoebe]

What is the status of your relationship?  I apologize for not following completely.  I remember something about her wanting a divorce, then something about therapy?  Is there talk of possibly moving back in together?

There is something to be said for being willing to leave when our needs aren't being met and that goes both ways.  Do you know what her needs are?

[MaroonLiquid]

What is the status of your relationship?  I apologize for not following completely.  I remember something about her wanting a divorce, then something about therapy?  Is there talk of possibly moving back in together?

There is something to be said for being willing to leave when our needs aren't being met and that goes both ways.  :)o you know what her needs are?

We have been separated for almost 4 months (her choice).  She threatened divorce to get a "rise" out of me and I called her bluff.  She still has my laptop and I have kind of let that go as it is a form of control for her.  We have made an appointment with a counselor and starts the week after next.  Currently (6 days ago was last contact), she asked to remain on my insurance (hers was too expensive) and at first, I said ok, but then while texting that day, wouldn't respond to "matters of the heart" texts but was "Johnny on the spot" when discussing non-heart issues.  I feel like I am being used a lot of the time and said we would need to meet to discuss some issues before I agree to keep her on my insurance.  She got mad and said I'm double minded.  No, I just don't think it's right that she wants the benefits of a marriage but non of the responsibility, even if right now she is "confused".  That's a boundary with me.  I asked her that day to get together before she goes out of town for a week this weekend and she said she doesn't want to spend time with me (I think that she was getting back at me for changing my mind about the insurance), but said, "Ok, Have a good week".  I love her dearly, but don't want to be used.