BPDw acting REALLY BADLY - MYSTERY REASON - HelP

[Depression = 72% of members]

So... .recently my BPDw is seeming to have far greater than normal symptoms and painting black all around her at

an even MORE illogical manner than is what I have become used to.

OF course - I am the primary target - for ANY issue no matter how unconnected to me OR how

implausible the issue or complaint.

Some things raged at me are almost nonsensical and border on extreme paranoia. I have been spending the past couple of weeks never knowing where or when the next mood shift will occur and what the upheaval around me will be.

Of course... .it is HIGHLY concerning... .and (as is her MO) she refuses to discuss with me OR give me any inclination or description as to what is up/wrong.

That said... .no matter WHAT she rages about... .she rages AT me... .and adds to it extreme vitriol about ME and ruminates about us being together for all these years ... .etc... .etc...

So ... .I keep telling her that I care for her... .realize she is very upset... .want to simply help... .love her... .etc... .

And simply ASK if she is OK... .She explodes and says... ."this is NOT ABOUT YOU... .you seem to think everything is about YOU... ."... .(HUH?)

She has spent the better part of 2 weeks RAGING at ME... .BLAMING ME... .verbally abusive to ME... .

I GET that perhaps she is dealing with things not "about me"... .but she is SCREAMING that I am to BLAME!(?)

AND it is SO off the wall... .am I NOT allowed - as the spouse... .and as it is EXPLODING and creating CHAOS in our family/house... .to ask to discuss?

What is the logic here? WHY does a BPD actually do this?

WHY ... .if not about any of us inthe family... .cant she then Let us KNOW what is bothering her... ?

IF someone is ruminating or upset abut something - they certainly have the right to keep that to themselves... .

BUT - if that upset (be it work, friends, health, life in general) is bothering them and the LASH OUT ... .threaten... .irrationally blame... .on a loved one. Then I feel that - at a minimum they need to explain.

Any thoughts please... .

[nightmoves]

So... .recently my BPDw is seeming to have far greater than normal symptoms and painting black all around her at

an even MORE illogical manner than is what I have become used to.

OF course - I am the primary target - for ANY issue no matter how unconnected to me OR how

implausible the issue or complaint.

Some things raged at me are almost nonsensical and border on extreme paranoia. I have been spending the past couple of weeks never knowing where or when the next mood shift will occur and what the upheaval around me will be.

Of course... .it is HIGHLY concerning... .and (as is her MO) she refuses to discuss with me OR give me any inclination or description as to what is up/wrong.

That said... .no matter WHAT she rages about... .she rages AT me... .and adds to it extreme vitriol about ME and ruminates about us being together for all these years ... .etc... .etc...

So ... .I keep telling her that I care for her... .realize she is very upset... .want to simply help... .love her... .etc... .

And simply ASK if she is OK... .She explodes and says... ."this is NOT ABOUT YOU... .you seem to think everything is about YOU... ."... .(HUH?)

She has spent the better part of 2 weeks RAGING at ME... .BLAMING ME... .verbally abusive to ME... .

I GET that perhaps she is dealing with things not "about me"... .but she is SCREAMING that I am to BLAME!(?)

AND it is SO off the wall... .am I NOT allowed - as the spouse... .and as it is EXPLODING and creating CHAOS in our family/house... .to ask to discuss?

What is the logic here? WHY does a BPD actually do this?

WHY ... .if not about any of us inthe family... .cant she then Let us KNOW what is bothering her... ?

IF someone is ruminating or upset abut something - they certainly have the right to keep that to themselves... .

BUT - if that upset (be it work, friends, health, life in general) is bothering them and the LASH OUT ... .threaten... .irrationally blame... .on a loved one. Then I feel that - at a minimum they need to explain.

Any thoughts please... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Grey Kitty]

What you want sounds reasonable.

Your BPDw doesn't sound reasonable.

Just because it is reasonable to ask your wife what is bothering her... .does not mean she will give you a reasonable response to the question.

Your best bet is to accept that she doesn't want to share this with you now. Accept that if you push on this, she will blow up at you. (That is her track record, right?)

I'd also suggest you enforce a boundary of leaving when she starts raging at you.

I don't recall if your household includes young children or pets that she also lashes out at. If so, your boundary enforcement may include removing them from her presence to protect them.

You can't stop her from blaming you--All you can do is stop her from doing it AT you. Most likely she will find it unsatisfying to explain to the wall why it is all your fault... .but if that works for her, just let it.

[bruceli]

So... .recently my BPDw is seeming to have far greater than normal symptoms and painting black all around her at

an even MORE illogical manner than is what I have become used to.

OF course - I am the primary target - for ANY issue no matter how unconnected to me OR how

implausible the issue or complaint.

Some things raged at me are almost nonsensical and border on extreme paranoia. I have been spending the past couple of weeks never knowing where or when the next mood shift will occur and what the upheaval around me will be.

Of course... .it is HIGHLY concerning... .and (as is her MO) she refuses to discuss with me OR give me any inclination or description as to what is up/wrong.

That said... .no matter WHAT she rages about... .she rages AT me... .and adds to it extreme vitriol about ME and ruminates about us being together for all these years ... .etc... .etc...

So ... .I keep telling her that I care for her... .realize she is very upset... .want to simply help... .love her... .etc... .

And simply ASK if she is OK... .She explodes and says... ."this is NOT ABOUT YOU... .you seem to think everything is about YOU... ."... .(HUH?)

She has spent the better part of 2 weeks RAGING at ME... .BLAMING ME... .verbally abusive to ME... .

I GET that perhaps she is dealing with things not "about me"... .but she is SCREAMING that I am to BLAME!(?)

AND it is SO off the wall... .am I NOT allowed - as the spouse... .and as it is EXPLODING and creating CHAOS in our family/house... .to ask to discuss?

What is the logic here? WHY does a BPD actually do this?

WHY ... .if not about any of us inthe family... .cant she then Let us KNOW what is bothering her... ?

IF someone is ruminating or upset abut something - they certainly have the right to keep that to themselves... .

BUT - if that upset (be it work, friends, health, life in general) is bothering them and the LASH OUT ... .threaten... .irrationally blame... .on a loved one. Then I feel that - at a minimum they need to explain.

Any thoughts please... .

Right here myself right now, 2 weeks also.  So much going on in her life right now but all of it being projected onto me me.  Even the potential natural disasters she is soon to face.

[nightmoves]

Thank you Grey... .

Love the last sentence.

The uptempo of concerning behaviors and statements and moods... .are really disconcerting.

House a mess... .kids issues ... .going unattended to... .meals frozen pizzas and takeout... .

certainly depression... .certainly inner turmoil... .and seems to turn anything and everything she is feeling

into MY fault... .

It is almost like she is LOOKING for ANY little thing to rage at me... .not matter HOW preposterous the link to me is... .

In many ways... .it is like projecting responsibilities of HERS on ME.

No matter WHAT ... .admonishment I heed to ... .

"Leave me alone"... .I do then its "You are AVOIDING me"

If I try to talk about plans, chores, various items to discuss... .she DOES NOT want to.

If I try to attend to the various above... .she rails at me for "leaving her out of things and not sharing"... (?)

it is just too much sometimes... .

I find I leave the house with my mind all turned upside down... .and I return ... .to a 180 world ... .again... .and again... .

[Indyan]

Yes, it's hard. My BPD has been like this with me for over a month and now he's talking about court.

It seems that nothing can stop them painting us black when it's our "turn".

[maric]

And simply ASK if she is OK... .She explodes and says... ."this is NOT ABOUT YOU... .you seem to think everything is about YOU... ."... .(HUH?)

I got the same thing going on once. Just to share: I had just moved to another country to be with her (been there for about 1 month) and I had a terrible migraine crisis one weekend. She took care of me on Friday, but on Saturday she had a birthday party to attend to. I said that I would like to go, but I could not do it because I was in so much pain.

She left for the party. I was ok with it, we were supposed to meet the day after. The same evening I received an email from her telling me that we could not see each other because she would like to spend the weekend by the lake with friends. Of course I got upset about it, but I said it was ok and that we could see each other on Sunday. Friday night, she got completely drunk and came home riding a bike; she falled out of the bike and hits her head in a sidewalk. Next day she tells me about it. I got worried but she said she was fine, and I let it be.

Monday I decided to take some time for myself to work on some projects. She then calls me crying saying she needs to go to the doctor to see what happened to her head. I got really worried about it, left whatever I was doing to be with her. When I got to her place, she was totally out of herself, crying. When I tried to say: What do you want me to do (for you) to make you feel better? I heard: It's ALL ABOUT YOU! ALL THE TIME! This time I need it to be about ME!

I shut up and hold her and did whatever I needed to do to take care of her with a smile on my face and silent. But I never truly understood what was that about until I read about BPD.

You see, I got the feeling that this rage they feel... .it's like when you're a child, and you are very tired and sleepy, and then you feel like just putting up a tantrum. You don't know why you are doing it, you just do. Like some kind of inside agitation that only goes away after you get completely exhausted of crying and raging. Like some furious kid from that tv show The Nanny.

[Grey Kitty]

If I try to talk about plans, chores, various items to discuss... .she DOES NOT want to.

If I try to attend to the various above... .she rails at me for "leaving her out of things and not sharing"... (?)

I find when I hear dysreguation like that... .I do believe her feelings (She is way-over-the-top upset/angry/whatever).

What I don't do is believe what she is saying about reasons, causes, what I'm doing, etc. etc. I just try not to engage on that part as much as I can.

And as far as keeping the household sanitary, fed, etc. Just do what you can and needs to be done. If she drops the ball on something critical for the household or the kids, pick it up. Don't tell her to do things. Don't tell her not to do things.

Save any discussions or negotiations about division of labor for times without dysregulation.

It sucks. All you can do is avoid making things worse, and try to provide some stability for the rest of the family. That is hard enough!

[Aussie0zborn]

Ofcourse you are being reasonable in asking for an explanation. But your expectation of a pwBPD is in my opinion unreasonable.

She has probably been rejected by a love interest and is angry and upset about that. And the reason it's all your fault is obvious : had you been a kind considerate caring husband she would have not needed to look elsewhere and gotten her heart broken.  Or it can be a variety of reasons but again it's all your fault for the reason stated above. Do you see her behaviour changing any time soon?