Co-Parenting w/BPD and very young child

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My BPD X's, rages, cheating, lying and stealing left me little choice to be done with her when my daughter was less than year old.

She's now 3. I love her and i know she's mine but i don't feel connected to her. I only see her one weekend every couple of months as the BPD mother had to move back to her hometown which is 8 hours away from me. My relationship with her mother started quickly and ended very quickly just as quick as started and i never reallly loved her but just tried to do the right thing when she told me she was pregnant. I had my reservations about the mom's character even back then and did take a paternity test just for my peace of mind.

I'm not sure exactly how to fell about the situation. Here is this beautiful little girl who calls me daddy and is just a joy to be around but deep down in my subconcious i dont know if i really want this. I would like to have a normal family one day, meaning a child or children and a respectable wife, but i don't see how i will ever be able to make that happen financially as after my child support obligations i just barely get by. I know it's terrible to feel this way but one can't help but wonder.

Anyone in a simlar predicament or have any advice?

[clydegriffith]

My BPD X's, rages, cheating, lying and stealing left me little choice to be done with her when my daughter was less than year old.

She's now 3. I love her and i know she's mine but i don't feel connected to her. I only see her one weekend every couple of months as the BPD mother had to move back to her hometown which is 8 hours away from me. My relationship with her mother started quickly and ended very quickly just as quick as started and i never reallly loved her but just tried to do the right thing when she told me she was pregnant. I had my reservations about the mom's character even back then and did take a paternity test just for my peace of mind.

I'm not sure exactly how to fell about the situation. Here is this beautiful little girl who calls me daddy and is just a joy to be around but deep down in my subconcious i dont know if i really want this. I would like to have a normal family one day, meaning a child or children and a respectable wife, but i don't see how i will ever be able to make that happen financially as after my child support obligations i just barely get by. I know it's terrible to feel this way but one can't help but wonder.

Anyone in a simlar predicament or have any advice?

[Indyan]

Hi,

just to say you never know what life will bring. You may never have other kids you see.

You'll find it easier to connect when she grows, small kids have little memory but you're still very important to her.

As she grows things will get better and better, you'll be able to chat over the phone for example.

Do you take her for holidays?

[clydegriffith]

Yes I do get her on holidays but with the distance and given that I have to take a couple of days off from work each time those visits are few and far between. As troubled as her mother is she does not try to keep her from me so I'm thankful for that.

[momtara]

I agree that things may get better when she's a little older and you can talk on the phone, etc.  You'll also know more of her personality then.  It's ok to not feel connected.  Dads sometimes feel that way if they aren't as involved - and you're not even near them.  You can still have a family someday.  A reasonable woman would understand.  It's good that your D knows she has a daddy and gets to see daddy here and there - so keep that going.  It's better than not having one. 

[ForeverDad]

Would her mother allow more extensive visits during the summer or other convenient times for you, above and beyond vacation time?  If not, then you ought to at least use the maximum of your allowed vacation or "extended" time.

Do you take advantage of all the vacation time allowed by the court?  Typically it's at least a couple weeks.  In my county, the court's guideline states up to 3 weeks per calendar year with 2 weeks being the maximum length.

Is it possible for you to relocate and find a job closer?  It doesn't have to be in ex's city, but much less travel time than 8 hours would surely help.

[clydegriffith]

Would her mother allow more extensive visits during the summer or other convenient times for you, above and beyond vacation time?  If not, then you ought to at least use the maximum of your allowed vacation or "extended" time.

Do you take advantage of all the vacation time allowed by the court?  Typically it's at least a couple weeks.  In my county, the court's guideline states up to 3 weeks per calendar year with 2 weeks being the maximum length.

Is it possible for you to relocate and find a job closer?  It doesn't have to be in ex's city, but much less travel time than 8 hours would surely help.

The BPDx does not keep my daughter from me and i believe she would let me see her when i pleased. The problem is the distance. I only get X amount of vacation days per year and have to use 2 or 3 each time i see them because of all the distance (we do meet half way) and because i don't have any family where i live to help out with my daughter so i could work and not have to use all my days.

I've contemplated relocating but given my current financial situation it would not be feasible right now.

[Skip]

How far is it?

[clydegriffith]

How far is it?

6 hour drive

[Rubies]

Please put your daughter a priority in your life, she will need her Daddy.  Right now she's still babyish, many men do have difficulty connecting with that and it changes. Once little girls can state what's on their mind and potty on their own, the bonding begins with hesitant daddies.

BPD parents are great playmates for younger children because they have the same maturity level.  As your daughter grows up and develops a personality of her own, asserts independence, there will be trouble.  It will be hell for her when she hits puberty, the biggest threat to BPD moms.  I knew a few BPD moms.  None of their kids lived with them past 13 years old (abuse).   Daddies made all the difference in the world in who these children became as adults.  Not all of them made it.

Please don't leave your daughter at the mercy of BPD, other men and social services.