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Author Topic: oh MY WORD Help please -  (Read 472 times)
nightmoves
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« on: October 14, 2014, 07:09:50 PM »

SO ... .have been struggling with trying so desperately to learn how to deal with my BPDw... .for SO long.

I JUST want peace... .predictability... .sanity... .calmness... .

So the past few weeks have been completely... .and absolutely... .one of the worst spells of irrational behavior... .rages... .verbally abusive tirades... .vulgarity... .unpredictability... .and attacks on me for EVERYTHING and ANYTHING... .

I have been far better than in the past thanks to this site and reading and learning about this... .but... .the past few weeks have been REALLY REALLY worse than I have seen in a while.

At me... .at the kids... .at anyone.

The blame at me ... .while I far to easily take (Mr. Nice Guy)... .and codependent tendencies... .has been off the charts. So implausible and so much a reach ... .that even I shake my head.

The hurtful... .vulgar... .vitriol at me has been just awful.

Yet I get home... .go on to our computer to print something... .and find that she has spent the better part of the day on sites on how to deal with verbal abuse... .(?)... .sites about narcissism... .emotional abuse... .etc... .etc... .

I was almost ill... .

I HAVE to tell you ... .that I am NOT verbally abusive... .I never swear at my wife... .I get QUIET... .when the chaos and rage begins from her.

I am a very empathetic person... .VERY... .caring... .VERY supportive... .very selfless... .and HAVE BEEN for her!

I have noticed in th past... .that the MORE dysregulated she gets... .the MORE she accuses me of being "mean"... ."emotionally abusive"... .etc... etc...

I used to just shudder from her even SAYING that... .but now ... .understand it is SO SO untrue... .I need to stop letting it devastate me.

SO ... .WHY ... .woudl someone SO incredibly verbally abusive... .so FRAUGHT with all the emotional havoc and horror that she throws out there in this house... .

WHY or HOW ... .could she possibly be seeing that as someone being abusive or narcissistic to HER?

IS the some strange twist of a pwBPD?

IS this projection gone MAD?

Please help... .i am devastated... .

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EaglesJuju
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« Reply #1 on: October 14, 2014, 07:26:14 PM »

SO ... .have been struggling with trying so desperately to learn how to deal with my BPDw... .for SO long.

I JUST want peace... .predictability... .sanity... .calmness... .

So the past few weeks have been completely... .and absolutely... .one of the worst spells of irrational behavior... .rages... .verbally abusive tirades... .vulgarity... .unpredictability... .and attacks on me for EVERYTHING and ANYTHING... .

I have been far better than in the past thanks to this site and reading and learning about this... .but... .the past few weeks have been REALLY REALLY worse than I have seen in a while.

At me... .at the kids... .at anyone.

The blame at me ... .while I far to easily take (Mr. Nice Guy)... .and codependent tendencies... .has been off the charts. So implausible and so much a reach ... .that even I shake my head.

The hurtful... .vulgar... .vitriol at me has been just awful.

Yet I get home... .go on to our computer to print something... .and find that she has spent the better part of the day on sites on how to deal with verbal abuse... .(?)... .sites about narcissism... .emotional abuse... .etc... .etc... .

I was almost ill... .

I HAVE to tell you ... .that I am NOT verbally abusive... .I never swear at my wife... .I get QUIET... .when the chaos and rage begins from her.

I am a very empathetic person... .VERY... .caring... .VERY supportive... .very selfless... .and HAVE BEEN for her!

I have noticed in th past... .that the MORE dysregulated she gets... .the MORE she accuses me of being "mean"... ."emotionally abusive"... .etc... etc...

I used to just shudder from her even SAYING that... .but now ... .understand it is SO SO untrue... .I need to stop letting it devastate me.

SO ... .WHY ... .woudl someone SO incredibly verbally abusive... .so FRAUGHT with all the emotional havoc and horror that she throws out there in this house... .

WHY or HOW ... .could she possibly be seeing that as someone being abusive or narcissistic to HER?

IS the some strange twist of a pwBPD?

IS this projection gone MAD?

Please help... .i am devastated... .

Hang in there Nightmoves.  She is projecting her own feelings on to you.  It is very frustrating.  This is especially frustrating since you are a co-dependent. You feel angry and unappreciated. I am too and have heard the same thing before.  You are letting your emotions eclipse the rational thoughts. Calm down and take a deep breath.  You already realize how absurd her behavior is.  Once you calm down, tell yourself, she has BPD and has the emotional regulation of a child. I suggest, when she calms down talk to her using one of the communication tools. 
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« Reply #2 on: October 14, 2014, 07:39:54 PM »

It is all projection. She can not deal with her own behaviors and must have others to dump it on. Trying to get them to see reality is futile.

My BPD would swing through cycles like a pendulum, going through a series of behaviors until he was out of control. Then there was calm, but he would start the pattern all over again. I noticed when the calm would come it was because he felt in complete control of everything/everyone around him. 

If only there were a way to break the BPD pattern and keep them in the normal stage. 

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123Phoebe
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« Reply #3 on: October 14, 2014, 07:40:54 PM »

Yet I get home... .go on to our computer to print something... .and find that she has spent the better part of the day on sites on how to deal with verbal abuse... .(?)... .sites about narcissism... .emotional abuse... .etc... .etc... .

Is your wife seeing a therapist?  Any chance she's reading up on this stuff to get a better understanding of her childhood, not necessarily about you?

I HAVE to tell you ... .that I am NOT verbally abusive... .I never swear at my wife... .I get QUIET... .when the chaos and rage begins from her.

Maybe she feels that you're withholding?  

Just trying to throw other avenues out there... . 

It's hard not to be bothered by finding something like that.  

Would your family like to go out for ice cream? Smiling (click to insert in post)

Take care of yourself
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maxsterling
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« Reply #4 on: October 14, 2014, 08:28:26 PM »

I can tell you with almost certainty, that deep down she knows what she is, and just cant face it.  Thats what is truly sad.
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nightmoves
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« Reply #5 on: October 14, 2014, 08:40:18 PM »

Thank you all. SO very much.

This may be the MOST difficult day in a long time for me.

This AM... .I asked her again ... .please tell me what is wrong? WHAT are you so angry about ?

I am worried about you.

Her response.

THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU!

Not everything revolves around you!

My word... .I was NOT thinking anything was "revolving around me"... .

She has been almost out fo her mind unpredictable... .angry... .irrational... .AND THAT was upsetting me even more than the hate and anger thrown at me... .

I was GENUINELY concerned for HER... .and truly UNEASY about the tone tenor and ferocity out of nowhere.

It was like a12 on a 10 scale - but I could not even figure out a 2 sized event or issue!

SO NOW after the AM hearing her RAGE AT ME... .(just fore showing heartfelt concern ... .NOT ... What the heck is UP?)

AND her saying

THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU!

Not everything revolves around you!

I come home to find she is once again on this I am an emotional abuser, etc... etc... .

Its ALMOST that she goes there to feel BETTER about the angst and upside down she is in?

I do NOT get this?

Is it like she is DESPERATELY SEARCHING for some premise that can "explain" her absurd behavior and thoughts ... .and thus allow her to NOT look at or inside of herself?

I swore I would not be one of those posters ... .who gets on and shows thier desperation and pain... .but... .here it is... .






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jcarter4856
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« Reply #6 on: October 14, 2014, 09:04:59 PM »

Her response.

THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU!

Not everything revolves around you!

Mine says exactly the same. I mean: word for word the exact same thing. In fact, when she gets to the point she is uttering these words it is generally a sign that the episode is nearing its conclusion and things will be back to "normal" soon. So I like to hear those words Smiling (click to insert in post)

Best not to try to JADE against this (avoid arguing "hey this all started with you telling me how much I suck so how can it not be about me?... .).
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nightmoves
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« Reply #7 on: October 14, 2014, 09:37:31 PM »

Thank you JCarter.

This ... .

"hey this all started with you telling me how much I suck so how can it not be about me?... .).

Made me smile.

My BPDw is the most resistance to looking at herself as anyone I have EVER seen.

She will literally rewrite things said ... .IN THE SAME DAY... .so as to NOT allow me to LOGICALLY showcase or recount what happened.

It is literally both mind boggling ... .and almost eerie.

Erie that she ACTUALLY believes  - I guess - that she can completely rewrite what happened - and I will just go ... .ok - yea... .that's it... .


I asked her a bit ago... .

OK... .so this AM ... .you said your mood., anger, etc... .all this is not at all about me... .correct?

She said ... ."correct"... .

I said ... .OK... then WHY have you yelled, raged, and swore and blamed and came at me the entire day?

She said nothing... .then said... .

YOU SHOULD KNOW ALL THE ISSUES THAT ARE AFFECTING AND BOTHERING ME!

AND that you don't know ... .in itself makes me angry too!

I said... ."I certainly understand all the things that you are struggling with and may be angry at"... .but when you go from a happy day... .to the next day at NUCLEAR ANGER... .most all exiting on ME... .

IS not not possible to SHARE what it is ... .that is NOT ME... .that you are angry about?

She (as she always does when I got too logical for her to answer... .walked out of the room... .)




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nightmoves
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« Reply #8 on: October 14, 2014, 09:46:17 PM »

It also hits me... .that after she RAILS on me ... .for countless things... .and THEN when i ask about and want to to talk about that ... .she  goes into her  ... ."YOU think everyone revolves around YOU mode"

CRAZY.

She THEN ... .THINKS ... .I am a NARCISSIST... .for her believing that my wanted to talk about her raging at me all day... .!

Oh MY WORD!


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maxsterling
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« Reply #9 on: October 14, 2014, 10:29:24 PM »

Take a look at her FOO.  Something with my fiance's FOO (especially her BPD mother) created a worldview where good is not to be trusted, the world is our to get her and good=bad.  Maybe this is where your wife is coming from?  My fiance has quite literally vocalized this - that for awhile she did not trust that my intentions were good, that I was being narcissistic, or pretentious.  And if I look at the way she was raised, the people she chose to hang out with and date prior to me, I can see where her worldview can flip to the opposite. 

Me being nice and not screaming or yelling back at her?  Everyone she grew up with yelled and screamed and cursed.  To her that means i am showing her up for being better than her and controlling.

Me having hobbies?  Everyone she grew up with was constantly preoccupied with each others' business.  So me taking an interest in myself and not caring about others personal crap must mean I am a narcissist and full of myself.

Same goes for my family.  My family tends to take care of their own business and expects everyone else to.  They don't talk much.  They tend to be quiet and have their own interests.  She's didn't grow up with that, doesn't know what that means, so her interpretation is that my family are all self absorbed and full of themselves.

I'm guessing this is where your wife may be coming from here... .not much you can do about it but be yourself.
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« Reply #10 on: October 14, 2014, 11:31:22 PM »

Excerpt
THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU!

Not everything revolves around you!

I think she is in pain and you can’t help her…I think just living and breathing feels emotionally abusive to theses folks. Don’t personalize it no matter what…it’s her experience of living on this earth in a body that is painful.  We all get irrational and cranky when we are in extreme pain.  :)on’t personalize it…it just makes it worse. Take care of yourself with some boundaries.  If she were in labor and called you horrible names in the worst part of it…you wouldn’t personalize it or try to have a logical discussion about it.

Excerpt
She (as she always does when I got too logical for her to answer... .walked out of the room…)

They don’t understand their pain very well, either…so they aren’t good reporters about it or what to do about it.  It’s not the kind of pain you can point to and say…here…it hurts, please get me a band-aid.  There is nothing ‘logical’ about the free floating disconnected dysphoria and dysregulation they feel.  

One thing is for sure.  It’s NOT about you.
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nightmoves
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« Reply #11 on: October 15, 2014, 12:07:08 AM »

Thank you MaybeSo.

I have read and re-read "One thing is for sure.  It’s NOT about you."

And have been told that ... .more often... .than ANY other thing... .

AND I WANT to believe that - and absorb that to its core

But it is almost like  I find I cannot seem to.

It may be that ... .even when i KNOW that... .I am quite SURE of that... .

at the end of the day... .

does it really matter if SHE ... .SHE... .THINKS that?

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Theo41
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« Reply #12 on: October 15, 2014, 12:51:03 AM »

Nightmoves, it's a part of the syndrome. Don't know why, but it is. I noticed this strange characteristic years ago ... before I had any knowledge of BPD. I thought it was bizarre that she would accuse me of behaving in ways that she behaves but I don't! Then I learned about "projection" here and perhaps in SWOE.

Ok, so what do I do?  I do not engage with it. When the disregulation  starts... .if I can control myself (which is most of te time but not always -I lost it this week- what I do is distance myself from it.) You can't have a rational/ productive conversation with an emotionally disregulated person. I stop talking and start walking. May go to the bedroom or take the dog for a walk, rent a hotel room etc. Frequently she becomes alarmed: " you can't leave me her like this" my response is: if you can get over it and be nice I will stay but I'm not going to engage in all this arguementation. When faced with my departure she usually gets a grip and stops the bad behavior. (They are also very fearful of abandonment.) Hope that helps. Theo
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« Reply #13 on: October 15, 2014, 12:57:57 AM »

the world is out to get her

There were some very good answers here.

My ex truly believed was that the world was out to get him. From what I have read on the forums, it sounds like 95% of BPD people think that way.

My BPD partner was extremely jealous that I didn't have the same warped belief system that he had. He displayed a lot of anger over that.

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nightmoves
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« Reply #14 on: October 15, 2014, 03:06:39 AM »

Thank you everyone.

I think deep down - i truly get it.


But I am also keep coming back to ... .whe she is painting me black... .

I am then at great risk that she BELIEVES I am a bad person... .and believes that she hates me... .etc... .

SO end of the day... .she will in this place she is in her mind... .seek to end this.

ALL for erroneous perceptions.

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Cat21
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« Reply #15 on: October 15, 2014, 06:11:32 AM »

Take a look at her FOO.  Something with my fiance's FOO (especially her BPD mother) created a worldview where good is not to be trusted, the world is our to get her and good=bad.  Maybe this is where your wife is coming from?  My fiance has quite literally vocalized this - that for awhile she did not trust that my intentions were good, that I was being narcissistic, or pretentious.  And if I look at the way she was raised, the people she chose to hang out with and date prior to me, I can see where her worldview can flip to the opposite. 

Same goes for my family.  My family tends to take care of their own business and expects everyone else to.  They don't talk much.  They tend to be quiet and have their own interests.  She's didn't grow up with that, doesn't know what that means, so her interpretation is that my family are all self absorbed and full of themselves.

I'm guessing this is where your wife may be coming from here... .not much you can do about it but be yourself.

Mine too, max! Nightmoves, this sounds plausible to me. Like max, my uBPDh has also talked about how his FOO (in particular, his mother) has created this world view of paranoia; why doesn't that person like me? They hate me! I don't trust anyone... .that sort of thing. I am called selfish by my H often; selfish, childish, etc. Projection out the window.

I'm sorry for you!
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« Reply #16 on: October 15, 2014, 07:27:38 AM »

Its the push/pull, help me/dont tell me(control) thing.

She is angry at you for not being able to fix her/she is angry at you for butting into her issues.

When someone is in total dysregulated state staying well back is the best you can do. Logic has no place in it.

You being calm just highlights her own lack of control. Hence your being calm is seen as hostile. Logic is a threat and invalidating to the unstoppable illogical thoughts that are running rampant.>BPD defense stratagy is all out attack

Think of this analogy: when you are covered in pimples and rashes and generally feeling pretty ugly, the last thing you want is a model come stand next to you... you feel resentment towards that model, even though your pimples have nothing to do with that model. You might accuse that model of being anorexic and sickly (projection). With pwBPD multiply this by 100
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Aussie0zborn
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« Reply #17 on: October 15, 2014, 08:44:41 AM »

You haven't mentioned children which is a good thing. I have felt your level of frustration. It's pretty tiring, isn't it? No matter what you do, you are not going to change any of this unless you're qualified and it's pretty obvious you aren't.

Try some of the coping tools on this site. When you've decided you've had enough and come to the realisation that your quality of life is suffering from the abuse, run as fast as you can. Plan your escape meticulously and if there's a chance she'll call the cops and fabricate an assault claim, be sure to record her while she's raging. Good luck.
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« Reply #18 on: October 15, 2014, 03:20:56 PM »

Let me be one more person to say it. It absolutely is NOT about you!

If you have started enforcing boundaries to protect yourself, the normal reaction on her part is an extinction burst... .which is the result of ramping up the crazy to get the reaction she is used to getting from you, until she realizes it isn't going to happen, and finally stops pulling some of this stuff on you.

I have read and re-read "One thing is for sure.  It’s NOT about you."

... .

It may be that ... .even when i KNOW that... .I am quite SURE of that... .

at the end of the day... .

does it really matter if SHE ... .SHE... .THINKS that?

Does it matter? Yes, it does matter, at least when she thinks that. OTOH, she will be thinking the absolute opposite, and believe she never even thought that way later. This matters too!

Do you need to do anything about her thinking this? No, you don't. More importantly, no you can't. It has to be incredibly hard to live inside her head. What she is spewing out at you is likely the tip of the iceberg compared to what she is dealing with internally.

The hours of YOUR life spent worrying about what she is thinking won't improve anything, and cannot be taken back and spent on something useful!
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nightmoves
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« Reply #19 on: October 15, 2014, 03:41:43 PM »

Grey Kitty... .

My utmost and sincerest thanks.

That one line... .

"The hours of YOUR life spent worrying about what she is thinking won't improve anything"

Profound.

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123Phoebe
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« Reply #20 on: October 16, 2014, 05:01:15 PM »

Grey Kitty... .

My utmost and sincerest thanks.

That one line... .

"The hours of YOUR life spent worrying about what she is thinking won't improve anything"

Profound.

Yep, step away from what she might be thinking, worrying about it.  Work on bringing yourself back to your base-level contentedness, breathe and stop thinking.  Feel what's going on in your body... .  Are your shoulders tight?  Roll them around.  Stretch.  Turn it all off for a few.

I really like HALT --  Are you hungry, angry, lonely, tired?  How can you get your own needs met by taking care of yourself?

Amazingly enough, when we step out of their brains and into our own bodies, change happens!

Then go do something nice for yourself, your children, her... .(like get ice-cream!)
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