Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 09:15:44 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Things we can't ignore
What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship
Why We Struggle in Our Relationships
Is Your Relationship Breaking Down?
Codependency and Codependent Relationships
93
Pages: [1] 2  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: What can I do to make him stop painting me black?  (Read 954 times)
Indyan
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated for 15 months, court 4 months ago
Posts: 812


« on: October 15, 2014, 09:27:28 AM »

On one hand I have to protect myself (legally, financially, emotionnally) but on the other I'd like to leave a chance for improvement.

But BPD goes on hating me for no reason.

He's not totally giving up on us though, he even arranged MC 2 weeks ago (I know that's a long time... .  )

but his attitude towards me is unchanged. No physical contact, he's very agressive, keeps threatening of anything he can think of (lawyers... .).

I'm sick and tired of all this.

Is there anything I could do to help him get out of this?

I want to say that I've worked LOADS to stop living in FOG - and it's starting to work. I'm not afraid of his threats anymore, they do make me sad though. I try not to feel obliged to do anything, for I've proposed mediation and he hasn't replied so far. And I'm certainly not guilty (anymore), as I've decided not to pay attention to his false accusations (essentially that I don't let him see his baby, which is all rubbish).

Logged
PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Indyan
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated for 15 months, court 4 months ago
Posts: 812


« Reply #1 on: October 15, 2014, 11:44:27 AM »

A BPD friend advised me to keep my r/s with BPDh to a minimum at the moment (meaning, talking about things relating to our baby), to ease the "pressure" on him and leave him space to move forward if he wishes to.

I kept trying... .too much maybe. I'm confused. I thought that keeping our r/s to the minimum would only make him feel even more rejected.

Has anyone managed to ease the blackpainting in one way or another?
Logged
AnnaK
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Posts: 234


« Reply #2 on: October 15, 2014, 12:05:14 PM »

Ignore the negatives and distance out.  If you have any idea how to validate - try to validate.

I do not know what initially happened, but they can act hostile out of fear or guilt, too. And unless you say it first - they will keep denying it
Logged
Grey Kitty
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #3 on: October 15, 2014, 02:35:37 PM »

First, off, his painting you black or painting you white is a part of his BPD. It has nothing to do with you, and therefore, you can do very little to change it.

Of course, he may decide to paint you white, and act as if you were never painted black. As I said, you have very little (if any) control over that.

Second, when it comes to your r/s, he's going to continue with the push-pull... .also a symptom of BPD. You cannot expect him to consistently work toward either breaking up or getting back together.

That leaves you--what outcome do you want? Do you want to get back together with him?

I kept trying... .too much maybe. I'm confused. I thought that keeping our r/s to the minimum would only make him feel even more rejected.

Rebuffing his attempts to contact you are probably going to be interpreted as rejection. (But don't let that be more important than your safety!)

Other forms of low contact... .not chasing after him, not trying to get him into therapy (i.e. trying to control him), and not getting in big fights with him... .those would be working against your r/s if you did them, so stepping back there can only help.
Logged
Indyan
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated for 15 months, court 4 months ago
Posts: 812


« Reply #4 on: October 15, 2014, 03:54:02 PM »

Other forms of low contact... .not chasing after him, not trying to get him into therapy (i.e. trying to control him), and not getting in big fights with him... .those would be working against your r/s if you did them, so stepping back there can only help.

Yes, that's exactly what my BPD friend told me.

I'll try that then.

I kept thinking that I needed to send "I'm staying" (subtle) messages. But I can't say that it has helped much.

You cannot expect him to consistently work toward either breaking up or getting back together.

That's strange because he used to push/pull at a lower pace, like every month or so. Then, after a year into the r/s it slowed down, it was every 3 months, even less, for another 8 months. But now he seems to be painting me black almost all the time. July/August, he painted me black for about 4 weeks, then 4 days of idealizing me, then back to blackpainting for 3 weeks, then 2 days idealizing me, black again 3 weeks, white a few days and black again for the last 2 weeks.

I have enough!
Logged
Grey Kitty
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #5 on: October 15, 2014, 04:03:37 PM »

I have enough!

You sound very frustrated. And this situation merits it. I think it is time for you to change something... .do you know what you want?

I think I'm reading both a desire to get back into a r/s with him and a desire to keep a safe distance from him.

Choose which of those fits your values and the life you want better--trying to do both at the same time will involve tradeoffs. Knowing where your limits are and what is most important will keep you centered and make you more comfortable with the difficult choices you will have to make.
Logged
Indyan
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated for 15 months, court 4 months ago
Posts: 812


« Reply #6 on: October 15, 2014, 04:11:00 PM »

do you know what you want?

I think I'm reading both a desire to get back into a r/s with him and a desire to keep a safe distance from him.

Precisely. I really want the r/s to work but not at any cost.

Today the cost is huge: my D10 fears him, I'm coming out of FOG, I had to work hard to try and protect myself financially etc.

My priority is to not be FOGGED anymore. Never ever. I refuse to feel trapped in any way.

But I'd like our r/s to get better, because it used to be beautiful, even if today he paints it black too.

Logged
formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #7 on: October 15, 2014, 05:47:17 PM »

 

Indyan,

You are well on your way to employing strategies to make you r/s better.

One thing to point out... .look at the title of your thread.

"making" a pwBPD do things... is not a good strategy.

You need to focus on making wise decisions for yourself... .that will cause him to change his behavior.  We don't know exactly what he will do... .but I would be shocked it his behavior stays the same.

Can you describe how this is different from "making" him do something?

Logged

Grey Kitty
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #8 on: October 15, 2014, 08:16:34 PM »

In your shoes, I'd focus first on physical, financial, and emotional safety for yourself and your children, and building a good life for yourself separately.

At the same time, work on avoiding things that actively harm your r/s with your H. (The biggest one is stop being invalidating / JADEing)

Once you feel like you won't get stuck in the FOG, and know you can enforce boundaries well to protect yourself and your children, then you can start working more actively on your r/s with him, if he is still interested.
Logged
hurting300
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1292



« Reply #9 on: October 15, 2014, 09:27:07 PM »

Just stop talking to him. Seriously, he's being triggered somehow right? Just back off for a few weeks or so and give him space.
Logged

In the eye for an eye game, he who cares least, wins. I, for one. am never stepping into the ring with someone who is impulsive and doesn't think of the downstream consequences.
Indyan
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated for 15 months, court 4 months ago
Posts: 812


« Reply #10 on: October 16, 2014, 01:05:35 AM »

You need to focus on making wise decisions for yourself... .that will cause him to change his behavior.  We don't know exactly what he will do... .but I would be shocked it his behavior stays the same.

Can you describe how this is different from "making" him do something?

Yes, my question wasn't well formulated, I'm aware that I can't "make" him do anything.

Thanks for your reply, wise as always  Smiling (click to insert in post)
Logged
Indyan
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated for 15 months, court 4 months ago
Posts: 812


« Reply #11 on: October 16, 2014, 01:08:09 AM »

In your shoes, I'd focus first on physical, financial, and emotional safety for yourself and your children, and building a good life for yourself separately.

At the same time, work on avoiding things that actively harm your r/s with your H. (The biggest one is stop being invalidating / JADEing)

Once you feel like you won't get stuck in the FOG, and know you can enforce boundaries well to protect yourself and your children, then you can start working more actively on your r/s with him, if he is still interested.

I am already concentrating on my safety, I've donne everything possible to protect the kids and I financially and legally.

And emotionnally, but that's a lot more difficult.

I have to stop "counter attacking", it's hard.

I'm seeing my T today (haven't seen him since MC), I think that may help.

Thanks Grey Kitty  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Just stop talking to him. Seriously, he's being triggered somehow right? Just back off for a few weeks or so and give him space.

I can't see how to give him EVEN MORE space. He's staying away, I don't send him messages. We don't talk on the phone.

I've stopped talking about BPD and stuff for weeks now. I haven't mentionned MC since we went there 10 days ago.

Logged
anxiety5
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 361


« Reply #12 on: October 16, 2014, 01:27:29 AM »

I think you should just get out. I'm about to do this myself. Mine is rapidly cycling more and more through these episodic periods and also lacks the physical contact. I love how they shun you physically. I know it's done intentionally but it's really a flaw in their attempts to manipulate. That lack of physical intimacy has made it EASIER for me to detach from this person. As time has passed, she has helped ME because she doesn't even feel like a girlfriend anymore. She's just this ranting raving lunatic who is a dormant volcano one week and Mount St. Helens the next. Without any physical contact, I don't even feel attached to her anymore. It's starting to feel like a stranger is yelling at me rather than a significant other. But I digress, I have read that these cycles of irregular behavior are sort of the end phase if you will wherein, like a sputtering engine, they eventually settle down into a full black out of you indefinitely. The way to make him stop painting you black is to stop letting it affect you.

On a side note, the transactional interaction thing, where you keep all contact to subject matter only and refuse to bite on anything else? That works. It may piss them off temporarily, but it conditions them. They eventually become less intense and less frequent. Sort of like training a puppy. You don't reward his bad behavior with the validating attention it seeks. I know this because this is exactly the way my BPD's ex husband interacted with her the entirety of our relationship. Long before I had a grasp on any of this. What a stoic guy. He NEVER bit once on her attacks. Eventually, she gave up. And delusional and for triangulation reasons (I assume) halfway into our relationship, could only say great things about him. What's amazing is the fact that she genuinely had no concept that she drove him mad. She used to suspect he was gay, because as she said "I was the perfect wife" Creeps me out even thinking about the depths of their delusion.
Logged
Indyan
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated for 15 months, court 4 months ago
Posts: 812


« Reply #13 on: October 16, 2014, 02:08:57 AM »

That lack of physical intimacy has made it EASIER for me to detach from this person. As time has passed, she has helped ME because she doesn't even feel like a girlfriend anymore.

The way to make him stop painting you black is to stop letting it affect you.

I agree with both statements.

One thing though is that I feel that the day it doesn't affect me anymore at all, there won't be any chance of going back together again.

The thing that motivates me still a little bit is the little family we had built around our baby of 9mo and my D10.

If (like you?) we had no child together, I would move further away, week after week, month after month.
Logged
AnnaK
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Posts: 234


« Reply #14 on: October 16, 2014, 04:04:04 AM »

When I am being painted black (it regularly happens), I am like "okay, okay, personal time - and dear, it's okay that you hate me, but when you are done hating me, please come back!"

As it has already happened many times, that I am painted and repainted, I am trying not to worry about it too much... .even he seems to be accustomed - although he seems to be quite sincere in periodically thinking that I am utterly obnoxious and impossible to live with - somewhere in the back of his mind he seems to be aware that "this too, shall pass" - and I will still be there.
Logged
Lucky One
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 164



« Reply #15 on: October 16, 2014, 06:33:01 AM »

Just stop talking to him. Seriously, he's being triggered somehow right? Just back off for a few weeks or so and give him space.

Agree with that. My uBPDw got triggered about something, two and a half years ago.

She's been painting me black ever since. We still live in the family home, our home,  together.

Like I've said before, I've been "learning how to change my tactics on this website" for the last month and a bit.

I try this, I try that. Support, empathy, truth, validation, listening more attentively etc.

But I DO NOT talk about or respond to her accusations. Actually I DO NOT even ask her anymore - "How are you feeling". It's only going to open up, a can of worms!.

Actually the less I talk, the better.

So after  these three months of her silent treatment, and me doing the things I'm learning on the BPD website, over the last month, she seems to be getting less agitated and anxious.

She's even started to smile  at me yesterday.

So I'm just going to carry on like this for a while, take some time out, which I really need, because my nerves are shot, talk about NOTHING SERIOUS, and be as pleasant as I can.

And TAKE NOTHING SERIOUSLY, nor PERSONALLY. Say what you like - I'm not worried, type of attitude - but I still show some interest, so long as it doesn't cross the new, UNSPOKEN boundaries, I've set.

It seems to be getting us somewhere.

As soon as I know or find out, where this somewhere is, I'll let you all know!





Logged
formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #16 on: October 16, 2014, 06:38:14 AM »

  I know it's done intentionally but it's really a flaw in their attempts to manipulate. 

A bit of a disagreement here... .we'll never know if it is "intentional" or "part of the disorder" (as in something they can't help).  So... since it is not knowable... .skip it and move on to something that you can put energy into and get results.

Like using lessons and getting yourself healthier.

The thing that is knowable is that there is generally an order to the disorder.  Learning that order will give power and hope back to those of us that are stayers... .

Logged

Indyan
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated for 15 months, court 4 months ago
Posts: 812


« Reply #17 on: October 16, 2014, 08:28:08 AM »

But I DO NOT talk about or respond to her accusations. Actually I DO NOT even ask her anymore - "How are you feeling". It's only going to open up, a can of worms!. LOL



Actually the less I talk, the better.

So after  these three months of her silent treatment, and me doing the things I'm learning on the BPD website, over the last month, she seems to be getting less agitated and anxious.

She's even started to smile  at me yesterday.

So I'm just going to carry on like this for a while, take some time out, which I really need, because my nerves are shot, talk about NOTHING SERIOUS, and be as pleasant as I can.

And TAKE NOTHING SERIOUSLY, nor PERSONALLY. Say what you like - I'm not worried, type of attitude - but I still show some interest, so long as it doesn't cross the new, UNSPOKEN boundaries, I've set.

It seems to be getting us somewhere.

As soon as I know or find out, where this somewhere is, I'll let you all know!

Cool stuff, I'll do alike  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
Logged
hurting300
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1292



« Reply #18 on: October 16, 2014, 08:37:11 AM »

But I DO NOT talk about or respond to her accusations. Actually I DO NOT even ask her anymore - "How are you feeling". It's only going to open up, a can of worms!. LOL



Actually the less I talk, the better.

So after  these three months of her silent treatment, and me doing the things I'm learning on the BPD website, over the last month, she seems to be getting less agitated and anxious.

She's even started to smile  at me yesterday.

So I'm just going to carry on like this for a while, take some time out, which I really need, because my nerves are shot, talk about NOTHING SERIOUS, and be as pleasant as I can.

And TAKE NOTHING SERIOUSLY, nor PERSONALLY. Say what you like - I'm not worried, type of attitude - but I still show some interest, so long as it doesn't cross the new, UNSPOKEN boundaries, I've set.

It seems to be getting us somewhere.

As soon as I know or find out, where this somewhere is, I'll let you all know!

Cool stuff, I'll do alike  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

I know you are hurting... believe me. The people I hired are experts at this and told me flat out to not react... they said to disappear also. So I made a choice to deactivate my Facebook and change my number... I will not play this game... people with BPD are kinda like an old hound dog that loves to run away... but if you wait it out they'll come back. I feel for you, please please focus on yourself. Love is hard i know.
Logged

In the eye for an eye game, he who cares least, wins. I, for one. am never stepping into the ring with someone who is impulsive and doesn't think of the downstream consequences.
Lucky One
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 164



« Reply #19 on: October 16, 2014, 08:56:18 AM »

  I know it's done intentionally but it's really a flaw in their attempts to manipulate. 

The thing that is knowable is that there is generally an order to the disorder.  Learning that order will give power and hope back to those of us that are stayers... .

I really like this. This is the best. "Learning that order will give power and hope"... .

That's why I've personally started doing a DBT self help course, on the Internet.

I want to know what this order to the disorder is. And put it into practice. DO IT.

Thanks Formflier - once again!

Logged
anxiety5
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 361


« Reply #20 on: October 16, 2014, 12:00:39 PM »

All it took for me to get her to snap out of these moods was to begin to become autonomous again. I would never text her or call her, but I would respond to her texts and pick up when she called, if that makes sense. I gave zero indication that I was desperate. And when she would say things that were intended to pick on me, I would emotionless respond with "why are you saying this right now?" Or if I knew she was triangulating me by being all giddy telling me a story about her ex, I would laugh with her, ask questions about the story and say "that's awesome" It was funny, she would end up annoyed that I liked the story. My point is, I would shut down all of her attempts to pick fights, I'd occupy my time. Start planning stuff with friends, etc When she started to see me begin doing my own thing, she would stop all the bad behavior and come back to her other self again.  Obviously this is not ideal or sustainable, just sharing ways I made the painting black stop. Many of these people have a sadistic side to them, so when you latch on, become clingy, cry, etc they almost attack more. You are empowering them.  To take that power away, stand up for yourself without fighting back. If they are rude say something with dumbed down language. Something short and direct like "I don't think you are being nice right now. I'm going to leave. If you want to hang out and not say mean things to me, give me a call" And leave. If they need space, give it to them. And don't hover waiting for them. Just move on doing things yourself. It's a win win because it will cause them to snap out of it, and worst case if they don't you already have a head start doing healthy things to get your own life back.
Logged
formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #21 on: October 16, 2014, 12:01:30 PM »

 

For me... .I found this site helpful when I first started learning... .but I sort of had a "take it or leave it attitude"... .sort of thought I'd try it out and see.  I still thought "logic" was the best way to deal with my r/s issues.

Well... luckily I learned about boundaries and extinction bursts.

I learned that I shouldn't try a boundary until I knew I could hold it.  Well... I finally tried one... .about passwords for computer and phone.  I had read about extinction bursts... .so I knew it would get worse... .before better.

Well... it played out exactly like the lessons and the senior people this board said it would.  Exactly!

It ended by her playing like it was never a big deal to her in the first place.  I didn't challenge this assumption... .I just moved along.

After that... .I started re-reading everything... .I think became a "devotee" of the lessons and methods taught on this site.

They don't guarantee an outcome... .but they do guarantee that it will be better that ignoring the lessons and invalidating a pwBPD.

And... .better... is... .well... .it's better.  Improvement gives hope for the future... .

Logged

hurting300
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1292



« Reply #22 on: October 16, 2014, 12:45:16 PM »

Yeah I shouldn't have to learn how to deal with someone. I told her what I thought was wrong straight up. Maybe that's why she left.
Logged

In the eye for an eye game, he who cares least, wins. I, for one. am never stepping into the ring with someone who is impulsive and doesn't think of the downstream consequences.
Indyan
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated for 15 months, court 4 months ago
Posts: 812


« Reply #23 on: October 16, 2014, 12:53:36 PM »

Yeah I shouldn't have to learn how to deal with someone. I told her what I thought was wrong straight up. Maybe that's why she left.

I can tell you that's why MY BPD left.

Because I told him he was ill, and because he had somehow to "punish" me when admitting he had a problem.
Logged
formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #24 on: October 16, 2014, 02:19:15 PM »

My wife had similar reaction to any suggestion that it was her.

She is ok with working on herself and being worked on individually for the good of the r/s.  But... anytime it gets anywhere close to you (my wife) have a problem... .she gets prickly.

If she has a problem "because of me... "... then that is ok.

Logged

hurting300
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1292



« Reply #25 on: October 16, 2014, 02:27:29 PM »

Yeah I shouldn't have to learn how to deal with someone. I told her what I thought was wrong straight up. Maybe that's why she left.

I can tell you that's why MY BPD left.

Because I told him he was ill, and because he had somehow to "punish" me when admitting he had a problem.

I never told her she was mentally ill. But I did call her a liar, user and cheat. I did not validate bad behavior. I even ask her if we both could go to counseling to work on things. She told me she didn't need it.
Logged

In the eye for an eye game, he who cares least, wins. I, for one. am never stepping into the ring with someone who is impulsive and doesn't think of the downstream consequences.
Lucky One
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 164



« Reply #26 on: October 17, 2014, 03:14:02 AM »

Yeah I shouldn't have to learn how to deal with someone. I told her what I thought was wrong straight up. Maybe that's why she left.

I can tell you that's why MY BPD left.

Because I told him he was ill, and because he had somehow to "punish" me when admitting he had a problem.

I never told her she was mentally ill. But I did call her a liar, user and cheat. I did not validate bad behavior. I even ask her if we both could go to counseling to work on things. She told me she didn't need it.

When she asked what I was studying when she saw me reading some of the BPD Family articles, I told her I was working on myself. To make myself a better person. It's true, as well. That's all - no further discussion. She liked that.

I started a new study yesterday on the DBT self help site of Marsha Linehan, and read a few articles about pwBPD, by properly qualified (academic) and experienced (research tested) PhD's. BPD family website is spot on - 100 %. Actually it was through them, that I found this other site. So this is a great site, as far as I am concerned.

And, I believe the people who run this site, are amazingly courageous, and truly concerned for the mental health welfare of others. Many, many THANKS for that!

We, those still learning, all just need to take note, that BPD is a truly, horrific, real, genuine sickness. Life threatening sometimes, to the person with it.  And most probably really damaging and severely painful emotionally, to those staying in the relationship with the pwBPD. Sometimes confusing and frustrating, as well.

So, that we, are trying to find a way to continue to live with our pwBPD, says "SOMETHING" about our STRENGTH and CHARACTER. This we should NOT let slip past, our awareness.





 

Logged
waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #27 on: October 17, 2014, 04:04:25 AM »

You dont need head on conflict to stay out of the FOG.

If he has illogical nonsense going on in his head than openly trying make sense out of it can be felt as undermining, by highlighting it as nonsense.

I find I make most headway not by saying, or inferring the problem is "you", the problem is the disorder. As much as possible i try to make it obvious the I dont believe she is a "borderline", but rather she is a person who suffers with "borderline personality disorder". Ie she is not the disorder. If you make the disorder the "bully" and the person a "victim" then that is more palatable and fits in with BPD thinking.

Being clear, consistent and not reactionary while they are fluctuating in chaos around you will help YOU feel better if nothing else. If you feel better than you are less likely to be triggering unecessarily
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
Indyan
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated for 15 months, court 4 months ago
Posts: 812


« Reply #28 on: October 17, 2014, 04:33:54 AM »

Waverider, my BPD does not accept any diagnosis at the moment. He needs to hear it from a respectable psychatrist I guess. Our T as advised him to see a well-known P, but I'm not even sur he'll do it.  :'(
Logged
waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #29 on: October 17, 2014, 05:26:47 AM »

Waverider, my BPD does not accept any diagnosis at the moment. He needs to hear it from a respectable psychatrist I guess. Our T as advised him to see a well-known P, but I'm not even sur he'll do it.  :'(

A diagnosis is not essential, it is awareness that he has "issues'. Once you introduce the idea that the issues are not him per se, but something that is affecting him. It makes him more open to the  idea there is a problem, It is blame/responsibility they dont want to accept.

The more you learn about it the easier it is to link "symptoms", the more validating it is to them that you are "on their side"
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1] 2  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!