wanting validation for everything

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've noticed, that no matter what my fiancé is talking about, she often finishes her statement with a "you know?" or "do you understand?".

And most of the time I *don't* know, because I can't relate to what she is talking about, or it is a subject where there really is nothing to know.  But, I say "yes" anyway. 

"The mailman is always late. You know?"  I don't know, I'm not home when the mailman comes.  Yet it seems like she is wanting some kind of validation of her statement here. 

"My phone doesn't work well.  You know?"  No, I don't know.  It's not my phone.

Anyone else experience this?  She doesn't just do this with me, it's like she needs someone else's input or validation on nearly everything.  I think this is part of the lack of identity and inability to know who she is.

[maxsterling]

I've noticed, that no matter what my fiancé is talking about, she often finishes her statement with a "you know?" or "do you understand?".

And most of the time I *don't* know, because I can't relate to what she is talking about, or it is a subject where there really is nothing to know.  But, I say "yes" anyway. 

"The mailman is always late. You know?"  I don't know, I'm not home when the mailman comes.  Yet it seems like she is wanting some kind of validation of her statement here. 

"My phone doesn't work well.  You know?"  No, I don't know.  It's not my phone.

Anyone else experience this?  She doesn't just do this with me, it's like she needs someone else's input or validation on nearly everything.  I think this is part of the lack of identity and inability to know who she is.

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[Rapt Reader]

That is so interesting that you bring that up, max... .

Before my son completed the Dual Diagnosis Program that diagnosed and treated his BPD, he'd done that continuously, starting in his teens (when his BPD probably blossomed from his undiagnosed ADD that caused him so much trauma since he'd started Kindergarten). It drove everyone crazy!

He would end almost every sentence with "You know what I mean?" or "Isn't that right?" or ":)oesn't that make sense?" I never knew why that was, but when he got home from his DDx stay, he explained it to us: that he'd needed constant validation of all of his thoughts and feelings because he was never sure if he was right or not    If others didn't validate him, he was either sad or angry or confused about himself and what was going on in his head and feelings... .

I'd forgotten all about that because he doesn't do that anymore now that he's in recovery... .

[empathic]

My wife also seeks validation a lot. Not quite in the form you describe "you know", but by running a lot of things by other people. It can be annoying, because some things I'd like for me and her to decide on our own, to me that would deepen the connection.

I often hear her talk about this kind of thing on the phone to her mother, brother, friends. It's like she'll panic if she does not make the decision 100% right. It also makes some decisions take a lot longer than needed.

I mean, sure, you can ask some people that are knowledgeable, but maybe then you need to make your mind up yourself. It's also in the way she asks, like she puts it on the other person to make the decision. Low self esteem is probably behind it.

[vortex of confusion]

I came here to post something about how frustrated I am with my spouse because now that he has found a new sponsor and has gone to therapy recently he seems to be wanting something more from me. I am guessing that it is validation or praise or something. Yes, I am glad that he is taking positive steps to help himself but I do not want to praise him for it nor do I want to validate every little thing he does. I don't feel like I need to notice, praise, validate his every action and every word. Sometimes, it seems like that is what he wants.

He made an appointment to get the oil changed in the car. Before he ever made the appointment, he talked to me for several days about whether or not to make the appointment for Friday or Saturday. After he made it, he told me about it three or four times. Every time I spoke to him since he made the appointment, it has been "I don't know if I told you but I made the appointment." Um, yeah, you told me about three or four times already. And he responds, "Oh, I couldn't remember if I told you." It is weird because it is like he is trying to get me to praise him or fall all over myself because he did it.

I did have another thought about the checking for understanding. I am not sure if it applies. Isn't your partner a teacher? I bring this up because I am a college instructor and I tend to follow up instructions or explanations with phrases like ":)oes that make sense?" or "I hope that helps" or something along those lines as a way to check for understanding and let the students know that I am willing to provide further clarification if necessary. There have been times when I have used those phrases on my spouse as a way to see if he is listening to me because there are times when it feels like he is not listening to a single word that I say.

[123Phoebe]

I've noticed, that no matter what my fiancé is talking about, she often finishes her statement with a "you know?" or "do you understand?".

And most of the time I *don't* know, because I can't relate to what she is talking about, or it is a subject where there really is nothing to know.  But, I say "yes" anyway. 

"The mailman is always late. You know?"  I don't know, I'm not home when the mailman comes.  Yet it seems like she is wanting some kind of validation of her statement here. 

"My phone doesn't work well.  You know?"  No, I don't know.  It's not my phone.

Anyone else experience this?  She doesn't just do this with me, it's like she needs someone else's input or validation on nearly everything.  I think this is part of the lack of identity and inability to know who she is.

Hi max,

Maybe it's a habit more than anything or a conversation starter, ya know? 

"Huh, what time has the mailman been coming around?"

"What seems to be the matter with your phone?"

Those are the questions that came to mind to ask if she were to say those things to me.

Sounds like small-talk, which can be fine and dandy and easily validated simply by listening and responding in kind.

[LilHurt420]

Reading your posts sometimes I swear you and I are the same person LOL

I was literally thinking this last night as I laid in bed trying to get to sleep.  Anytime I try to talk to my H about my day, something I'm interested in, just something stupid that happened, etc he barely pays attention.  He's always "too busy" doing something else.  Yet I listen to him for countless hours go on and on about his job, his friends, how great he is (though he talks about that by telling me how great others think he is and how he doesn't agree, but it's just his way of getting me to tell him he's great).

It's annoying.  Everything is about him. Whether it's good or bad.  Even when I'm explaining something medical about the baby he will barely listen and just reply with a "good" or something along those lines.

Things have been very calm lately between us, but I find myself forcing my interactions with them to make things good.  I'm not sure if it's me being pregnant or just over it all.

[maxsterling]

Interesting comments!

Rapt - that's very interesting!

And regarding just a habit/conversation starter or her being a teacher - I'd thought of that, and that may be a factor.  But knowing her, I think the root of the issue is her feeling that nobody cares about her or listens to her.  The statements may be a habit, but they are rooted in a real issue for her, and if one doesn't respond to those statements, she does get upset. 

And Phoebe - those responses are good advice!  I know if I respond in total honesty that I don't understand, that often irritates her.  There are also times where this is clearly not an attempt at "small talk", but instead a rather important subject, but still one that does not need further discussion (in my mind).  To me, the "do you understand" question in those cases feels more like she is treating me like some kind of nincompoop who can't possible understand what she is talking about.

[ColdEthyl]

They not only want it, they need it.

I see a lot of people getting frustrated with this, and I did myself at first. Still do in fact if I'm tired, stressed etc. But the thing is... .think of how it would feel to be in a fog of insecurity ALL the time. I can't imagine not even trusting my own thoughts.

They are a complete paradox... .they hate themselves, yet need someone to tell them they are smart, worthy and awesome. They NEED it.

My husband is obsessed with politics and 'survival'. Like everyone here yes I will hear the same thing over and over again, and validate that yes... you are correct. Yes, I believe you can keep us alive in a survival situation, etc.

The very best way to combat this for me I've found, is what I think of as parroting. When he says something, even things I've heard 100 times before, I nod and repeat back to him what he just said. Most of the time, I don't even stop what I was doing. Sewing, reading, etc. If I already know the story he's repeating, it's even quicker.

Ex. Him: "... .there's a water source nearby. I can make that trip twice a day. We have land near the shed we can use for growing food. I'm pretty good at growing potatoes"

    Me: *reading and nodding* "That's a great idea. You are really good at gardening"

Now, for me there's plenty of times he's talking about new things. I enjoy talking with him. We can talk for hours on all matters of things because I like to learn anything. So if he's talking about military helicopters, the French parliament, or gardening... .it's all interesting to me. I know that's not the case with everyone though

[123Phoebe]

I know if I respond in total honesty that I don't understand, that often irritates her. 

 

I know that I'm not responsible for what might irritate my partner by not understanding what he's saying.  If I don't understand, I don't understand and would like some clarification.  It's when I assume to understand to appease or don't want to be bothered, that problems arise because things don't get settled, then my mind takes over trying to fill in the blanks completely missing the opportunity to get in touch with each other.

There are also times where this is clearly not an attempt at "small talk", but instead a rather important subject, but still one that does not need further discussion (in my mind).

Can you give an example of an "important subject" that does not need further discussion?  Is it because it has been settled already and both of you feel comfortable with it?  You have a boundary of not discussing this topic anymore?  Agree to disagree?  Just curious.

To me, the "do you understand" question in those cases feels more like she is treating me like some kind of nincompoop who can't possible understand what she is talking about.

"I realize this is important to you and can hear your frustration; I really want to understand.  I'm not sure how to answer your question though... .  I feel like I'm being treated like some kind of nincompoop who can't possibly understand what you are taking about, although I'm sure that's not your intention."

[formflier]

I don't feel like I need to notice, praise, validate his every action and every word. Sometimes, it seems like that is what he wants.

What happens if you try to take a few days and try to validate every action... word?

Ever tried that?


In my r/s I find myself trying to balance my needs and abilities... .with what my wife needs/wants.  Lately it's generally been working out pretty good.  Several times lately when I felt bad... .didn't feeling like validating and being on top of my game... .I think it contributed to some backsliding or grumpiness on her part.

Generally wasn't too bad to "clean up" the next day... .or whenever I felt better. 

My point is that I think most of us can see a direct link between behavior of the pwBPD traits in our lives... .and the amount of validation that we can give them.

That doesn't make us responsible for their behavior...

That does give us a powerful tool that can be used to improve our r/s