Luckyone,
Are you still living together? Can I ask what boundaries you placed and how? Mine is gone and so far wants little or nothing to do with me. I got a "poke" of a text recently telling me I should check my computer for a virus as he got an email from me but thats it so far. Though your story might be useful to learn from in my situation.
Re: What can I do to make him stop painting me black?
Quote from: hurting300 on Yesterday at 02:27:29 PM
Quote from: Indyan on Yesterday at 12:53:36 PM
Quote from: hurting300 on Yesterday at 12:45:16 PM
Yeah I shouldn't have to learn how to deal with someone. I told her what I thought was wrong straight up. Maybe that's why she left.
I can tell you that's why MY BPD left.
Because I told him he was ill, and because he had somehow to "punish" me when admitting he had a problem.
I never told her she was mentally ill. But I did call her a liar, user and cheat. I did not validate bad behaviour. I even ask her if we both could go to counselling to work on things. She told me she didn't need it.
YES, we're still living together. Hanging on, for dear life.
For the last 38 years. 32 years married. Very bumpy road! Some smooth sailing too.
Boundary No. 1 (Top Boundary) : No further discussion - on potentially hurtful things
When she asked what I was studying when she saw me reading some of the BPD Family articles, I told her I was working on myself. To make myself a better person. It's true, as well. That's all - no further discussion. She liked that.
I started a new study yesterday on the DBT self help site of Marsha Linehan, and read a few articles about pwBPD, by properly qualified (academic) and experienced (research tested) PhD's. BPD family website is spot on - 100 %. Actually it was through them, that I found this other site. So this is a great site, as far as I am concerned.
And, I believe the people who run this site, are amazingly courageous, and truly concerned for the mental health welfare of others. Many, many THANKS for that!
We, those still learning, all just need to take note, that BPD is a truly, horrific, real, genuine sickness. Life threatening sometimes, to the person with it. And most probably really damaging and severely painful emotionally, to those staying in the relationship with the pwBPD. Sometimes confusing and frustrating, as well.
So, that we, are trying to find a way to continue to live with our pwBPD, says "SOMETHING" about our STRENGTH and CHARACTER. This we should NOT let slip past, our awareness.
Boundary No 2: My Strength & Character - NOT discussable. With anyone.
Boundary N0 3: Never discuss her illness. With her.
Boundary No 4: Never Ever say, there is anything wrong with her. Especially emotionally
Boundary 5 : Only talk about non hurting things. Otherwise NO TALK!
Boundary 6: Do NOT discuss what I'm learning on BPD Family with her. When she showed
some interest, I gave her the web address. That's all.
Boundary 7: Never take what she says, personally. (I used to)
Boundary 8 : When she gives me the Silent treatment (quite often) - Ignore it. Give her the
space. In other words "Keep quite" (give her, her silent treatment back- but
not vindictively). Wait for her to talk first. Only answer her question or what
she is talking about. Don't be too interested, only enough to validate.
I've only been doing the above since I became a member last month, 8th September.
I've just been through a three month silent treatment episode with her, in my own home.
Glaring looks, raging body language, bumping doors etc.
I just ignored it all.
She started smiling and talking to me again, two three days ago. Don't know why!
Still no hugs and kisses though.! She won't allow it. But I miss it.
Some we WIN, some we DON'T !
