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Author Topic: living in your head is a waste of time  (Read 395 times)
maxsterling
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« on: October 16, 2014, 03:01:25 PM »

I've gotten the whole cycle of up/down/back/forth/push/pull the past few weeks.  Her losing her job.  Wedding planning stress.  Her complete inability to live in the present tense.  Vacation.  Money.  One night a few weeks ago she was worrying left and right about money and losing her job.  The next day she went out and spent 300 on face cream.  I don't like telling her what to do wither own money and life, but at that moment I told her that her behavior was extremely irrational, that I was worried, and to call her doctor.  She had been skipping her therapy appointments.  And she did call her doctor, but didn't have a chance to go until we got back from vacation.

Other worrisome behavior - she would sit at home, buy two boxes of sugared cereal, sit on the sofa and eat them all day until she was sick, then I would come home, and she would instruct me to take the unfinished second box out of her hand and throw it away.  Then hours of comments about how much weight she has gained and how ugly she is, swearing to never do it again, then go do the same thing the next day. 

Over vacation she brought up the face cream again, saying it was stupid and that she won't do that again, and asked if I trusted her.  This week, she found out officially that she will lose her job, she's been depressed and frantic.  She called me up crying, saying she now feels really guilty about the 300 dollar face cream, begging me to help her come up with a plan of what to do next with her life, freaking out about money.  An hour later, she was sending me text messages saying she was thinking of spending $100-200 on makeup. 

Yesterday before work I mentioned that I will see her after her therapy in the afternoon.  She remarked "I guess I have to, huh?"  Grr.    Well, she went, and when she got home her mind was racing and projecting with all kinds of future scenarios regarding money.  10 minutes later, she was asking me when we would want to start trying to have a baby ?  I had previously told her while on vacation that I still would want to have a child someday, and I guess now this is her obsession.  I told her *maybe* a year from now.  She then got upset, nearly completely dysregulated saying "Well that's no different than you have always said!  I'm sure a year from now you will tell the timing still isn't right and for me to wait another year!"  I simply responded that she just lost her job, she has NO income, we have NO extra money, debt to pay off, and until some kind of financial plan falls into place, I won't have a child. 

I then went to an al-anon meeting to cool down, decided I need to be much more forceful with her on boundaries and telling her NO.  I came home and she was once again obsessing with trying to find work, find her next career path, projecting way out into the future, trying to persuade me to get a second job... . 

She was the same way this morning.  I went to work and was living in my head so much about what's going to happen when I start being firm with boundaries.  I couldn't concentrate.  I tried to organize myself and decided the first thing is to be firm with her that she *needs* to not skip therapy again tonight.  First things first - she needs to go to therapy and all those other issues can't be worked on unless she can learn to calm her brain.  I spent an hour in my head debating how to bring that up with her in a way she understands without being overly invalidating and leading to dysregulated chaos.  I wasted most of my morning thinking about this, couldn't sleep well last night because I was thinking about this, felt angry at people this morning because I was thinking about this... .

And then she called after she went to a babysitting job interview.  She told me it went well, and that someone called wanting another interview this afternoon, but she told the person she has to re-schedule for later this evening because she has a doctor appointment.  SHE THEN TOLD ME THAT SHE NEEDS TO GO TO THERAPY!  Here I was wasting my energy on how to approach her and convince her to not skip therapy, and I really didn't need to - she decided on her own she needs to go.

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MissyM
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« Reply #1 on: October 16, 2014, 04:19:14 PM »

LOL!  I have definitely been there.  These days I spend a lot more time letting go of the things that are out of my control.  I can have a boundary but the rest just isn't up to me.  I certainly have a lot less stress than I used to!
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Rockylove
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« Reply #2 on: October 17, 2014, 07:29:16 AM »

... .I wasted most of my morning thinking about this, couldn't sleep well last night because I was thinking about this, felt angry at people this morning because I was thinking about this... .

Here I was wasting my energy on how to approach her and convince her to not skip therapy, and I really didn't need to - she decided on her own she needs to go.

I find myself doing the very same things... .wasting my much needed energy on things that may not even happen    I'm glad you posted this... .I think I needed to see how fruitless (and frustrating) this is for me to do.
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maxsterling
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« Reply #3 on: October 17, 2014, 10:08:45 AM »

Well, she decided to not go to group therapy, and decided to go to the job interview for a nanny position instead.  Okay.  I told her I had already made plans to go out, hoping that she may reconsider (she stays home from therapy if I am home).  But, she still didn't go to therapy, I cam home and she was depressed on the sofa, not waning to go to the interview, claiming they have two babies and that she may not be able to handle it.  She was also sad over the loss of her job, and something her dad had said to her, calling him a D-K.  She wound up going to the interview, I went out with friends for an hour, then when she got home said the interview went well.  Then later she said that she may not be able to handle being a nanny because she would be around people who have what she wants.  I tried to get her to just watch TV and put her mind on other things, and she did for the most part.  About 1 am she woke me up crying for a bit, then claiming she wanted to die.  I held her, told her to take an allergy pill for her congestion (and to help her sleep).  She fell asleep asking me to not go to work today.

Boundaries - detachment.  I need it.  The BPD universe seems completely opposite of the one I live in, where people learn to work on themselves to get what they want in life.  In the BPD universe, it seems like their actions are almost always contrary to the direction they claim to want to go in. 
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maric
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« Reply #4 on: October 17, 2014, 12:18:10 PM »

Then later she said that she may not be able to handle being a nanny because she would be around people who have what she wants.

What do you think she meant by that? Like a family with babies?

I ask this because I always had the feeling that my pwBPDex envied their friends for having heterossexual rs. Once one of her best friends got pregnant. She told me that when the girl told her about the pregnancy, she started to cry, because she really wanted that... .
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maxsterling
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« Reply #5 on: October 17, 2014, 01:01:37 PM »

Then later she said that she may not be able to handle being a nanny because she would be around people who have what she wants.

What do you think she meant by that? Like a family with babies?

Yes.  She had an abortion about a year before I met her.  She's been obsessed with having a baby since.  And being almost 39, the biological clock plus the BPD is creating toxic mess. She's told me before that she wants a baby so that way she will have a purpose in life (gives her an identity).  She DESPERATLY wants some kind of family and/or stability (what she really wants is an internal FEELING of security, and that is independent of her situation in life).  The problem is the BPD prevents her from seeing she already has some of that, and prevents her from seeing the steps necessary to get the remainder of what she wants.   So rather than seeing the progression - work on yourself to become a good partner -> attract a mate -> date -> get married -> get financially secure -> have a happy and healthy baby, she's tempted to circumvent the whole process and go to the sperm bank or sleep around, live as a single poor mother, then complain about her life. 
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #6 on: October 17, 2014, 07:57:54 PM »

max,

I completely get that you don't want to have children with her right now in financial and emotional chaos. I wouldn't either.

However I do wonder... .how much do you want to have children yourself? And when do you want them if you do? Men's biological clocks are more flexible than women's, but that doesn't mean they don't count down too.

Just the same... .reading your story... .Your gf sorting things out enough for parenting to sound like a good idea before her biological clock runs out sounds iffy. If this disagreement over kids is resolved by a stalemate until it is too late, your gf will have good reason to be pissed at you over this.

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waverider
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« Reply #7 on: October 18, 2014, 04:19:20 AM »

yep you can waste to much of your life planning away their life. They are just thinking aloud yo yoing from one extreme to another. At times fishing for you to give them reasons to not do what they know is the right thing.

My partner cant stick to an arrangement or plan she made an hour ago. It is one series of impulsive behavior after the other.

The binge eating is a depressive form of self harm as she doesn't feel worthy enough and deserves to be fat and ugly.
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« Reply #8 on: October 18, 2014, 07:11:36 AM »

 

Max,

Do you mind sharing about her job loss?  Do you know any details about what happened?

Has this been repetitive thing?

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maxsterling
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« Reply #9 on: October 18, 2014, 09:01:59 AM »

The job- well, she was put on admin leave a month ago because she didn't list her previous employer on her job application.   The state considers it fraud.  Her school district then investigated, offered to either let her resign without damages, or keep her job but only as a substitute teacher, keeping her same pay and same benefits.  The downside is that it will only be temporary-no contract, and she will be "on call" no in the same classroom she was before.  She decided she can't handle the stress of being a substitute, so she plans on resigning.  That means we may have to get married before our wedding so she can have health insurance.  I don't feel comfortable with that, but kinda hard to say no because we are planning to be married in 5 months anyway.

BUT - I did something good for me yesterday.  Up to this point in this r/s, I've tried letting her life be her life, and avoid giving her invalidating advice even if she asks for it.  In general, I don't like telling others what to do with their personal business.  I hate it when people do it to me, so I try to not do it to others.  But now that we are getting married, her lack of job *is* my issue.  So yesterday when she told me over the phone what her options were, I told her to get her options in writing and ask a few questions before deciding.  I clearly stated that continuing on as a substitute teacher would be the best option for us financially considering our future plans for next year, but also validated that I understand how that may be difficult for her to go back at this point, and that the decision was hers.  She then told me that she has already decided to resign.  Okay.  She then asked me if we are going to break up over this.  I told her no, but this does cause me additional stress and I need to learn how to handle it, but financially we will be okay, we just have to watch our spending.  So good for me in that I effectively communicated to her my feelings on this issue. 

I came home to her feeling depressed and laying on the sofa without pants on.  I told her to get her pants on so I could take her to an AA meeting.  Another good for me.  I don't want to force her to go, but I would rather force her than her not go.  And she went and got something out of it. 

Obviously she picked up on the vibe that I need to see her do more to take care of herself and more to help contribute if this marriage is to work.  We watched a show last night where the main character was worried her husband would leave her because she racked up so much credit card debt.  When the show was over, my fiance then began crying that I am going to leave her because she can't take care of herself, that she has ruined my life, that I will have to work two jobs because of her.  She also said we should never have a baby because we will always be too poor and that she is too crazy... .There is a kernel of truth into all of that (especially the last statement), but I reassured her that I want to be with her and we can work through things.  The crying was bad - more than just crying.  Probably one level below self harm like hitting or cutting, but it was frantic, scared, hyperventilating.
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« Reply #10 on: October 18, 2014, 10:02:33 AM »

Is it a good idea for the marriage to go ahead without this question answered clearly?

max,

I completely get that you don't want to have children with her right now in financial and emotional chaos. I wouldn't either.

However I do wonder... .how much do you want to have children yourself? And when do you want them if you do? Men's biological clocks are more flexible than women's, but that doesn't mean they don't count down too.

Just the same... .reading your story... .Your gf sorting things out enough for parenting to sound like a good idea before her biological clock runs out sounds iffy. If this disagreement over kids is resolved by a stalemate until it is too late, your gf will have good reason to be pissed at you over this.

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maxsterling
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« Reply #11 on: October 18, 2014, 10:26:04 AM »

Yes, i would still want children, but would be okay if that never happens.  I am willing to work towards that goal.  Right now i need to focus on the short term, one issue at a time.  I feel like i need to set clear and firm boundaries about what i need from this r/s and let her react accordinly.
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« Reply #12 on: October 18, 2014, 10:43:48 AM »

Have you given your fiancée the opportunity to tell you if she would be o.k. with no children?

Am I wrong in getting the impression that you are being less than direct with her because you are afraid she will leave you?
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maxsterling
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« Reply #13 on: October 18, 2014, 12:07:57 PM »

Have you given your fiancée the opportunity to tell you if she would be o.k. with no children?

I think she wrestles with this internally.   Actually, I know she does.  There were a few moments where I could possibly have delved deeper into her thoughts on this and told her that I will love her whether we have children or not, but I don't know where her internal struggle is coming from on this.

Am I wrong in getting the impression that you are being less than direct with her because you are afraid she will leave you?

On the most basic level, yes, I would be sad if we broke up.  But I would feel that for any r/s.  But intellectually and somewhat emotionally I have gotten to the place where I don't fear her leaving.  I haven't yet gotten to the place where I say "here is my boundary, now do what you want", mainly because of another fear.   The truth is, I truly care about and love her.  It wasn't so much that way in the first year of the r/s, but now I feel a special bond and friendship with her.  I'm okay with us not being together romantically.  It may hurt for awhile, but reality would set in quick and I would know if it was for the best.  My fear instead is not having her romantically, or even as a friend, but her harming herself.  Last night was a good example.  I was open and honest with her that her not having a job is additional stress on me.  A few hours later that twisted in her head to that she is ruining my life, that I will leave her, that I won't want to marry her.  She was in a VERY bad place.  I can live with and accept a mutual breakup, but I don't know if I could live with her hurting herself.   

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« Reply #14 on: October 18, 2014, 04:23:39 PM »

Have you given your fiancée the opportunity to tell you if she would be o.k. with no children?

The problem is she may think of having children in an abstract sort of way without having a real feel for the consequences. Add to this what she wants today is not always what she wants tomorrow.

What does someone really want when they dont have a strong sense of self?
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« Reply #15 on: October 18, 2014, 05:37:12 PM »

A baby?  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I just fear this issue will become the stick she beats you with in the years to come. (And maybe there's no remedy for that.)
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« Reply #16 on: October 18, 2014, 08:30:50 PM »

A baby?  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I just fear this issue will become the stick she beats you with in the years to come. (And maybe there's no remedy for that.)

But there is huge value in identifying the issue that will be used... .understanding the issue will help you connect the emotions surrounding that issue... .that will help you validate... and avoid invalidating.

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