Why did he ask me if it's his weekend to take the kids?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My BPDexH sent me an email saying, "Is it my weekend to take the kids?  My parents won't be home."  In the past, I have told him that I prefer they be there, and for a brief period this summer he was under supervised visitation and they supervised.  He KNOWS it's his weekend to take the kids, as I had them last week.    He lives with his parents, which is a reason I'm a little more comfortable with him taking our young kids.

I would think he's looking for an out, for me to tell him no, don't take them - however,  he sent me an email like this once before, and I told him not to take them, and he still wanted to take them (and his parents were home anyway; he had lied).  My T thinks that people with anxiety, like him, need validation.  T thinks my ex wants me to say I believe he's ok to take care of both of them without his parents there.  But... .part of me thinks this is legal strategy, so that he can tell the court someday that he watched them alone all weekend and that I knew he took them without his parents being there, if it ever comes to it.  Obviously I feel better when his parents are home. 

I know no one can get into his head, but what do you guys think?   Why is he asking this question?

[momtara]

My BPDexH sent me an email saying, "Is it my weekend to take the kids?  My parents won't be home."  In the past, I have told him that I prefer they be there, and for a brief period this summer he was under supervised visitation and they supervised.  He KNOWS it's his weekend to take the kids, as I had them last week.    He lives with his parents, which is a reason I'm a little more comfortable with him taking our young kids.

I would think he's looking for an out, for me to tell him no, don't take them - however,  he sent me an email like this once before, and I told him not to take them, and he still wanted to take them (and his parents were home anyway; he had lied).  My T thinks that people with anxiety, like him, need validation.  T thinks my ex wants me to say I believe he's ok to take care of both of them without his parents there.  But... .part of me thinks this is legal strategy, so that he can tell the court someday that he watched them alone all weekend and that I knew he took them without his parents being there, if it ever comes to it.  Obviously I feel better when his parents are home. 

I know no one can get into his head, but what do you guys think?   Why is he asking this question?

[Swiggle]

This feels so familiar! It is like a game of rock, paper, scissors trying to figure what their next move will be and/or why they are doing something. And it is sad that we have to think the way we do but if we don't it will bite us in the ass someday.

I would agree that it is him letting you know his parents won't be home but framing it with wondering if it is his weekend. If he just emails you to say "my parents aren't going to be home" it is almost like him saying "can I still have the kids" opening the door for you to ay "no". The way he framed it makes you out to be the bad guy in more than one way.

1. if you say yes it is your weekend but since your parents aren't home you can't keep the kids, then you are the bad guy... .regardless if he truly wants them. He gets to be a victim. Had he said oh by the way my parents aren't going to be home you and you say no you can't get them, then he can't be a victim because he in a way asked you.

2.If you say yes it is your weekend and then let him keep them, it makes you look less credible down the road if the time comes for a legal batttle.

3. The last reason he could have framed it this way is because he wants to engage you in a fight. You say no to him having them when he really wanted them, then you've got a disagreement on your hands that you have to debate.

In the beginning I would react to things like this sometimes trying to do the opposite of what I think he wanted so he wasn't "winning". I learned to let that go and think of it, like I've said before, from "what is best for the kids". If you are reacting from a place of wanting to figure out what he wants so you can do the opposite then I would have you look at your motives. In reality what he wants the outcome to be doesn't really matter, what matters is what works best for everyone involved.

Maybe you keep them this weekend since that is what makes you more comfortable and then he gets them the next two weekends when his parents are home. That also shows the court that you are not trying to "block" him from the kids but are doing it in a way that is safer for the kids.

Without wondering about his motives, what do you want the outcome to be? Once you answer that question you email that back very matter of factly.

Swiggle

[momtara]

Well, his parents are probably around this weekend and he's not telling the truth anyway.  Who knows if they'll be home the next two weekends.  That's true, though, maybe he wants me to be the bad guy or have a fight.

I just told him that it is his weekend.  I said if he's not feeling well or can't take the kids for some reason, that's fine too.  I didn't engage him much.  He gave me the times he's taking them - the usual times.  So that was that.  I don't know why he asked.   The less I engage him, the better.  But I still want to monitor his behavior a bit.