When not having individuated... become YOUR fault...

[nightmoves]

So... .had perhaps one of the "best" conversations in a while with my BPDw.

She has been in a long standing paint me (and everyone) black place for a weeks now.  Rage, fury, blame, anger... .

When I have tried to discuss with her what is "wrong"... .and why she is deriding me on a day by day besis... .she has gotten angry at me for even asking. And although she is BLAMING everything on ME... .she they says... ."this is not about YOU!... .and claims I am being selfish and narcissitic by beign concerned (huh?) and asking what is wrong... .

Soo... .

She has also virtually complete abandoned most ANY part of attending to us ... .our family. Plannning non-existent. Conversation... .non-existant.

So this AM - I awoke and just said to her ... ."what things can we do ro plan that would make you happy?"... ."waht things might I do or attend to that would make you happier or life easier"... .

I was SO sincere and genuine. I really hate seeing her so angry all the time... .

So ... .she actually said... ."I see that as nothing more than a threat!"

I was like... .(huh?)

I was speechless... .a threat?

So I head into work... .and I send a very nice text... .saying how much I love her... .that I was sorry if what I said bothered her ... .and maybe we could just talk later... .

In the talk... .when I miraculously found a way to get her to stop attacking me... .a VERY interesting thing emerged... .

She was lambasting me and called me her "so called partner in quotes"... .

And that really got to me.

I said ... .I am not a partner in quotes... .I AM your partner... .and I work SO hard to be a good partner... I take being your partner very seriously ... .and I try every day to be the best aprtner for you that I can be.

So she then said... "well you are not one"... .(that hurt)

So - not sure where I got this to ask ... .but I asked... .

"do you think you are a good partner?"

She thought for a minute and said... ."no... .I don't think I am being a good partner"... .and then she added "and I don't care either"... .(wow... .)

While that comment hurt... .I said "well... .then we are in very different places... .It KILLS me to hear you say that I am not a good partner to you"... ."but you... .say your are NOT one ... .and you do not even care"

It prompted a discussion as to why she is OK with that.

AND... .how it is perhaps one of the deep reasons for a lot of what is going on.

Overall ... .one of the more stunning things was that she claimed that she was not yet an "individual".

I have read that most with pwBPD... .get arrested in their development and the individuation process or the building of an ego... .does not really occur... .most likely this process begins getting stalled around about 4.

NOw here is the thing.

She was blaming ME for her lack of individuation/ego. (she did not use those words... .but )

She added the kids. The marriage. The "partnership".

And because she was blaming the above... .she was angry at the above ... .and did not even CARE that she was not being a "good partner".

WOW. For me ... .this was an enlightening moment.

I think this is akin to the many here whose pwBPD scream out that the non has "ruined their life!"

My word.

I have known - from DAY ONE... .that her parents (mostly Mother) has indeed MANY issues and as such has likley done this to her. She does TO THIS DAY!

Is it possible that I (ME!) am being cast as the "person" in her life that she is "pushing back on" to gain her individuation... .AND... taking (or transferring) the target that should have been there LONG ago... .to ME?

Has anyone heard of this or can relate to this?

Thanks you

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[maxsterling]

Interesting.  A couple of quick comments:

1)  I've faced what you are facing, but for my fiancé it usually boils over in a day, and never longer than a few days.  I think it is the same thing, that somehow I am preventing her from being her.  But that has nothing to do with me or what I did or didn't do. For example, one of her coping mechanisms has been to sleep around with both men and women.  It's an addiction.  Being with me means that coping mechanism is gone.  Maybe that is what your wife is facing - the feeling that she must conform to something if she is with you, and being non conforming is her coping mechanism and her identity. 

2) If my fiancé is nasty when I ask her what is wrong, I quit asking.  I wait for her to come to me.  Actually, I've learned my lesson here to simply let her emotions be her business.  A while back someone offered the suggestion when you are getting the silent treatment to offer the pwBPD a glass of water or coffee, and their response to the offer can give you a clue as to whether they are ready for communication.

3) as for your last paragraphs, I agree.  Sometimes I feel she is pushing back against me like a teenager against her father.  She sees me as her enemy she must get through to get what she wants.  She doesn't often understand how to work *with* me.  Example?  The potential of having a child.  I've told her from day one that I won't have a child with her unless we are married, and I won't have a child with her unless we have a financially stable household, and I won't have a child with her if the relationship feels emotionally unhealthy.  She takes this as rules I am imposing against her instead of motivation to get a job, go to therapy, or split the housework 50/50.

[MissyM]

I had an interesting bit of information from a BPD friend today.  She said that for her being connected to someone means having to do what they want her to, which makes her angry and resentful.  Sadly, it has nothing to do with the other people.  It is her perception and resentment.  Since she doesn't know what she wants, she usually goes along what they want for periods of time and then rage builds within her and she lashes out.