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Author Topic: What to say when they catch you crying  (Read 409 times)
Ladylove

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 24



« on: October 16, 2014, 10:02:23 PM »

Soo, I'm at a point with my uBPDh where when my eyes are red from crying(about him) and he finds me like this and asks me what's wrong... .I respond like porky the pig... .ubida ubiddda ummmm, uhhhhh... .and this erks him even more. 

We know about the offense that can be taken if you tell the truth(you never know the consequence of telling the truth), but now I'm at a point where I'm lost for words completely... .I won't lie, but I also won't tell him that I'm struggling with his behaviors, 'cause then I'll see the behaviors.

What's the best plan of action?

Do I just make it vague, blunt with no detail?(I'm sad because sometimes you make me sad)... .I've done this before and he is condescending... tells me I'm playing 'victim'.

It's tough... .emotions are natural things, and tears sometimes just flow... .especially when you love someone.

He just came home and I've been secretly reading a book about BPD that describes him to a T, so naturally, I'm emotional. I dried the tears before he walked into the house, but it's tough to hide red eyes.
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This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Caredverymuch
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« Reply #1 on: October 16, 2014, 10:14:16 PM »

Soo, I'm at a point with my uBPDh where when my eyes are red from crying(about him) and he finds me like this and asks me what's wrong... .I respond like porky the pig... .ubida ubiddda ummmm, uhhhhh... .and this erks him even more. 

We know about the offense that can be taken if you tell the truth(you never know the consequence of telling the truth), but now I'm at a point where I'm lost for words completely... .I won't lie, but I also won't tell him that I'm struggling with his behaviors, 'cause then I'll see the behaviors.

What's the best plan of action?

Do I just make it vague, blunt with no detail?(I'm sad because sometimes you make me sad)... .I've done this before and he is condescending... tells me I'm playing 'victim'.

It's tough... .emotions are natural things, and tears sometimes just flow... .especially when you love someone.

He just came home and I've been secretly reading a book about BPD that describes him to a T, so naturally, I'm emotional. I dried the tears before he walked into the house, but it's tough to hide red eyes.

Lady love,

I am sorry your are in such pain. Everyone here understands the pain partners feel. The heart is not often as strong as the mind, especially in  r/s with a loved with with BPD.

You are correct in that there are ways to communicate with a BPD partner that wont trigger the hurtful behaviors.  This is one area I can not give you advisement on as I had no knowledge of BPD when I was in my r/ s and I openly showed my emotions, especially feeling safe to do so when my heart hurt.  I can recall the times I was very hurt.  Often I would be received with projections and there were times he would comfort me. 

I would like to defer to our members with better working knowledge on the best communication techniques to promote receptivity in expressing your feelings  and to not trigger. 

Please know you are not alone.  We all care here.
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Ladylove

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« Reply #2 on: October 16, 2014, 10:24:45 PM »

I can recall the times I was very hurt.  Often I would be received with projections and there were times he would comfort me. 

I would like to defer to our members with better working knowledge on the best communication techniques to promote receptivity in expressing your feelings  and to not trigger. 

Please know you are not alone.  We all care here.

I appreciate the support so much. What you said- "Often I would be received with projections, and there were times he would comfort me." - this is the biggest struggle... .What to expect.  I want the sensitive guy all the time darn-it :'(

I really didn't think I'd get to the point of saying nothing at all... it's so not like me... .but I just got too exhausted shooting fire balls back and forth, and then being chastised for what "I" had said that hurt "HIM" so much.

Boo.

Thanks again
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AnnaK
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« Reply #3 on: October 16, 2014, 11:41:25 PM »

There are times I need to cry. There are times I need to distort the reality and to have a "self-pity hour". "I am all alone, nobody cares about me buaaaaa... ." (that's not true - lots of people care about me, even excluding my partner, who also cares in his way)

I am aware that in such moments I distort the reality - with the purpose of crying Smiling (click to insert in post) . I am aware that I do not want to be returned to reality - nor do I specially need compassion. What I need is... .well, to cry - and I am doing it already... .so I don't need to be helped... .and I don't need to be reasoned, comforted, consoled etc. etc. ... .I will just cry it out.

So I just told the truth - "I am not like an iron lady - at times, I do cry... .but I when I cry - I cry alone"

That pretty much worked - when I am having my "crying hour", he does not seem to be specially disturbed... .nor do I blame him too much for my stress - it's my life, it was my choice to stay with this man, I'm mature enough to handle.


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takingandsending
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« Reply #4 on: October 20, 2014, 05:01:03 PM »

Hi Ladylove,

There are times that  we all feel grief over our RS, especially as you are now just beginning to learn about BPD. And the grieving is important so that you can begin the process of letting go of what you hoped for and start working with what is present. I, too, have been questioning what to tell my uBPDw about the classes I attend (NAMI family peer mentoring) or books I am reading or self care work that I am doing (SWOE workbook, individual T). But when she questions me about it, I find that SET is most helpful to me.

I let her know that I can understand her feeling anxious or fearful, and I would feel the same if she was suffering and I didn't know why, but then I share my truth, "I am doing grief work out of self-love and out of the desire to make our RS stronger and out of love for her." The truth is, your feelings are your feelings. And it's okay how you take care of them or express them, provided you aren't harming someone. The enmeshment occurs when someone makes those feelings about them or projects their confusion or discomfort on to another. Can you think of a way to use SET to lovingly let him know that it's okay for you to have feelings?
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ColdEthyl
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Relationship status: Married 2 years
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« Reply #5 on: October 20, 2014, 05:10:40 PM »

Hello, Ladylove!

I struggled with this at first too. I didn't know what was going on, and the exact wording from him... .I was playing the victim, or his favorite is "I'm nailing myself to that cross"

The thing is, almost any emotion they have it seems turns to anger first. Anger is easy. Self preservation tells them to fight. So when you cry, the guilt/shame they feel because of it... .or what my husbands says his inability to make me NOT sad... .actually makes them angry. They HAVE to put it back on you so THEY don't have blame.

Because accepting blame is accepting fault. They cannot accept fault, at least not during a dysregulation.

What does that mean for you? Well for me, anytime I feel like I need to cry, to throw myself my little pity party, I do in fact sit in the bathroom to cry, or run to the store and sit in the car. The occasions for me to do that are getting fewer, the more I understand him and his condition, the less things hurt me.

When we decide to be in this kind of r/s, we do choose to make some ridiculous sacrifices Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

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frizz

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« Reply #6 on: October 20, 2014, 06:28:44 PM »

Feeling safe with my feelings is important to me, so I had to set a boundary. When I'm upset, my BPDg ABSOLUTELY HAS TO KNOW WHY. And of course, when I tell the truth, she ABSOLUTELY HAS TO DEFEND HERSELF. Even things that have nothing to do with her end up in arguments because she interprets them to mean I don't like her anymore. So confusing. Anyway.

I can't just draw lines in the sand, so I compromised. I will tell the truth (instead of "I don't want to talk about it right now," which is a super-trigger), and she has a chance to respond. Then it ends. I won't be expected to agree with her justifications/rationalizations/reflections/denial, and I won't engage in an argument. If it's a big issue we need to talk about, then we will talk about it later -- and we actually will. If it's a small issue (one time I got blueberry juice on my shirt and she was upset that I was irritated), it's up to me to determine that, and I will say so directly, and we will drop it.

It's a hard road. It doesn't work super well, but we've only had a couple opportunities to try since this came up last week. We'll see how it goes in the future. I am lucky my partner is willing to work for change.
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Ladylove

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« Reply #7 on: October 20, 2014, 07:06:27 PM »

. Can you think of a way to use SET to lovingly let him know that it's okay for you to have feelings?

Thanks Everyone

It empowers me just to know I'm not on my own facing these battles.

I can definitely practice SET with him.  I am still in that place where I want to defend myself so badly, because sometimes he has made some outrageous assumption about why I am a little quieter than usual... .there seems to be big problems when there is silence... .I just have to, HAVE to, wrap my head around breaking the cycle and turning things around from this point forward.

I will also try and recognize whether I'm just feeling like having a pity party, and then , yes, definitely take a drive or a walk, take a bath and mourn the loss of what I thought I had, do some readjusting to reality, and some seriously hard work to pull through and support him.

Thanks again. You're all awesome
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takingandsending
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Relationship status: Married, 15 years; together 18 years
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« Reply #8 on: October 21, 2014, 12:10:49 AM »

You are very welcome LL. And apparently I needed to re-read all of this conversation because my wife was triggered all over the map tonight when I was upset with my S3 having napped 2hours in the late afternoon and not going to bed until 10:30 p.m. as a result. My wife got very angry with me because she felt I was blaming her.

And so it goes. No big emotions allowed except hers. I pick and choose my battles, but apparently, I have let this one slide too far. I can't be healthy and not express some feelings some times.

Soo, if you figure out that SET, let me know and I will definitely steal a page out of your play book. 

Thanks.
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ColdEthyl
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« Reply #9 on: October 21, 2014, 12:29:58 PM »

No big emotions allowed except hers.

One of the things that frustrates me the most.

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blueeyes567

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« Reply #10 on: October 24, 2014, 07:04:48 AM »

I am sort of in the same boat. I do not know if it is okay to express to my wife how I am feeling. There was infidelity the other night physically. Prior to this episode of down this there was only sexual emails with multiple guys in the past. Now it seems as though she is wanting to be sexual with me and I did become sexual with her the other night. It seemed as though she was but I would rather it be me than another stranger she needs off the internet. I don't know what to say to her and I don't know if by giving in to the sexual urges if I am were hurting. Prior to this break down she is having we were very sexual together and had a healthy relation ship but once the spiral started happening it had been almost 6 weeks since we were intimate before this happened the other night. I want our relationship to work. I am here for her but I sometimes think that I am being naive. I wonder if I should be preparing for a divorce rather than a new beginning because I have no idea what is going on in her head.
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