Forced Interactions

[LilHurt420]

Does anyone else force their interactions with their BPD?  Since things have been really calm lately, I feel like I just go through the motions of what a "normal" loving wife should be doing for their husband.  I don't feel genuine in doing these things because of the hurt and abuse I've dealt with in the past with him, but because things are calm I do these things to keep the peace.

Sometimes I want to scream... .but I hold it all in and act as though things are ok.

Just this morning I had to stop myself from losing it after uBPDh lied to me about putting gas in my car.  He took my car to go watch football last night.  I needed gas and before I got in he mentioned him putting $30 in the tank.  Only my car tells me how many miles of gas are in it and there was only 50 miles.  $30 routinely gets me at least 200 miles.  He still swore he put $30 and blamed it on the price of gas... .still there should have been more than 50 miles.  So I said well you must have driven 150 miles then.  He said no he just went 10 mins into town.  I was feeling myself loose my cool so I just ended the conversation by saying "ok none of that makes sense but whatever you say... .I'm not going to argue with you about it"

I feel like I've lost my identity and ability to voice anything I'm feeling or see wrong.  Sometimes I hate the life I've created.  When we lay in bed and he keeps saying I love you, I will always repeat it.  I write him notes daily in his lunch and I'm pressed and forced to come up with something nice to say most of the time.

I'm just rambling now... .but I'm just feeling hurt today.  On a calm day... .but never the less I feel turmoil inside myself.  Does it ever stop?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Fatherwith2girls]

I am definitely in the same spot. I feel like I'm empty inside and yes we have a history with fond moments, but they are so clouded by bad memories and anguish. I don't understand the need to continually cover their tracks and change stories. They never want to accept a mistake even when it is SO obvious. I will readily accept responsibility and it is to end a situation rather than draw it out and create mistrust.

I don't know if it will ever stop. I'm undecided on staying or not so I don't know if I can help, but I've been married over 8 years and up until the past two months my spouse never wanted to change or accept responsibility for her actions.  Only now, at the end of my compassion is she trying really hard. Everything feels forced and I don't know how to move forward either.

[formflier]

 

Keep forcing it... .

While doing that... work on lessons... .work on yourself.  Work on sorting out your values.

Once you have your values clearly sorted out... .then you can put your energy into improving areas that directly affect your values... and not waste time on "sideshows".  pwBPD tend to create a lot of those... .(sideshows)

Anyway... .for this post... .sorting out a value would be whether or not the gas matters... .and if the gas matters... .where it ranks with other issues you are dealing with.

My suggestion is to not let it matter... it is most likely a sideshow... but each person has to decide for themselves.

[vortex of confusion]

 

I am right there with you on this.

I feel like I am going through the motions more often than not. I can't remember the last time I had genuine feelings with him that weren't forced or at the very least highly filtered. Yes, I love him because he is the father of our 4 children but that seems to be where it stops. I feel like keeping him happy is doing a huge favor to the kids. When he is grumpy and in his moods, the kids tend to be the ones that suffer the most.

I have no idea what to even talk to him about any more. I don't feel like starting conversations because I feel like I know that the outcome is going to be him making it about him or simply not hearing what I am saying. I would so badly love to be able to tell him how much he has hurt me. When I have tried, it seems like he is oblivious to it. I might as well be telling him that I stubbed my toe.

Now, my only goal seems to be keeping things somewhat peaceful. All the while, I have this huge inner turmoil and I just want to jump up and down and scream and tell him that he is a mean and horrible person.

[maxsterling]

Oh I can certainly relate.  I think the pwBPD often goes from white to black to white much faster than we do.  So after a bunch of nastiness, sometimes I feel like I am having to "fake" having a good time for awhile, even though my brain is still racing with hurt.  Forcing the smile or interaction often feels wrong, but it does seem to actually help me get over it faster.  But probably more importantly it helps keep the peace so that I can deal with the hurt on my own.

The hard one is sex.  It hasn't been much of an issue with my current r/s, but in a previous r/s with a BPD/NPD partner, there were a couple of times she demanded I have sex with her and I complied simply to get her to stop raging (it didn't work - she complained about my "performance" and kept raging, demanding I satisfy her... . uggh.)

[EaglesJuju]

Keep forcing it... .

While doing that... work on lessons... .work on yourself.  Work on sorting out your values.

Once you have your values clearly sorted out... .then you can put your energy into improving areas that directly affect your values... and not waste time on "sideshows".  pwBPD tend to create a lot of those... .(sideshows)

Anyway... .for this post... .sorting out a value would be whether or not the gas matters... .and if the gas matters... .where it ranks with other issues you are dealing with.

My suggestion is to not let it matter... it is most likely a sideshow... but each person has to decide for themselves.

Absolutely well stated.  While working on yourself, figure out what truly hurts you. Is it his lies, invalidation, etc?  Once you can figure out the underlying cause of your hurt, it is easier to not let the little things affect you.

[LilHurt420]

I am definitely in the same spot. I feel like I'm empty inside and yes we have a history with fond moments, but they are so clouded by bad memories and anguish. I don't understand the need to continually cover their tracks and change stories. They never want to accept a mistake even when it is SO obvious. I will readily accept responsibility and it is to end a situation rather than draw it out and create mistrust.

I don't know if it will ever stop. I'm undecided on staying or not so I don't know if I can help, but I've been married over 8 years and up until the past two months my spouse never wanted to change or accept responsibility for her actions.  Only now, at the end of my compassion is she trying really hard. Everything feels forced and I don't know how to move forward either.

We've been together 10 years (married 2) and it's only been the past 2 months also that he's really wanted to change.  I'm pregnant and the entire first half of this pregnancy he made a living nightmare for me and now I'm having a really hard time forgiving the things that have been done.  Over the last 10 years he's done a lot, but I was always able to come back from it as long as he was calm and not dysregulating.  This time it feels so different.  I sense he sees that, and that's why he's been calm for so long (I really think this is the longest ever in the last 10 years... .sadly) because he knows one more wrong move and I'm out.  It still doesn't stop the small lies and stories in between.  After the whole thing with the gas (though I realize how insignificant it is) I realize, he must just need to lie just to lie or something.  There was no reason for him to even mention to me about how much gas he put in.  When I got in to go to work this morning I wouldn't have cared at all if he didn't specifically say something. 

[LilHurt420]

Keep forcing it... .

While doing that... work on lessons... .work on yourself.  Work on sorting out your values.

Once you have your values clearly sorted out... .then you can put your energy into improving areas that directly affect your values... and not waste time on "sideshows".  pwBPD tend to create a lot of those... .(sideshows)

Anyway... .for this post... .sorting out a value would be whether or not the gas matters... .and if the gas matters... .where it ranks with other issues you are dealing with.

My suggestion is to not let it matter... it is most likely a sideshow... but each person has to decide for themselves.

Thank you.  That's what I'm trying to do.  Just forcing it so I can keep the peace and work on myself.  I think what hurts so much is that I know he's lying and he's lied so much in the past (about way bigger things than gas) that even a little lie brings me back to that place.  I guess I know it's a sideshow, but in the back of my mind I'm thinking... .a side show for what?  There was no need to even mention to me that he got gas.  If he didn't say anything at all and I got in the car for work with 50 miles of gas I would have been happy because it was more than I had left when he took the car.  The fact he went out of his way to lie about something he obviously didn't do just boils my skin and makes me think he's lying to throw me off of something else (did he really go to the bar to watch the game with work friends?... .stuff like that).  Though it's bothering me inside... .I'm still forcing it so things can be ok and I can work on myself. 

This is so hard!

[LilHurt420]

I am right there with you on this.

I feel like I am going through the motions more often than not. I can't remember the last time I had genuine feelings with him that weren't forced or at the very least highly filtered. Yes, I love him because he is the father of our 4 children but that seems to be where it stops. I feel like keeping him happy is doing a huge favor to the kids. When he is grumpy and in his moods, the kids tend to be the ones that suffer the most.

I have no idea what to even talk to him about any more. I don't feel like starting conversations because I feel like I know that the outcome is going to be him making it about him or simply not hearing what I am saying. I would so badly love to be able to tell him how much he has hurt me. When I have tried, it seems like he is oblivious to it. I might as well be telling him that I stubbed my toe.

Now, my only goal seems to be keeping things somewhat peaceful. All the while, I have this huge inner turmoil and I just want to jump up and down and scream and tell him that he is a mean and horrible person.

Yes! that is how I feel too.  I just keep the peace so that he doesn't explode.  There are days (like today) I wish I could just jump up and down and scream too and it feels so hard to keep it all in and pretend that everything is ok.  I wish I could love him like I used to.  I really do... .it would make things so much easier.  For years I was able to "forgive and forget" the things he would do, but after the last few times I feel myself just not being able to anymore.  Everything he does gets on my nerves in some way (maybe that's pregnancy hormones too ).

Hang in there

[Rapt Reader]

Just this morning I had to stop myself from losing it after uBPDh lied to me about putting gas in my car.  He took my car to go watch football last night.  I needed gas and before I got in he mentioned him putting $30 in the tank.  Only my car tells me how many miles of gas are in it and there was only 50 miles.  $30 routinely gets me at least 200 miles.  He still swore he put $30 and blamed it on the price of gas... .still there should have been more than 50 miles.  So I said well you must have driven 150 miles then.  He said no he just went 10 mins into town.  I was feeling myself loose my cool so I just ended the conversation by saying "ok none of that makes sense but whatever you say... .I'm not going to argue with you about it"

I don't know what kind of car you have, but we just got a new Toyota Prius a few months ago, and for the first time have a car that tell us how many miles we have left in the car to go. What we've found is that this feature doesn't work properly when we don't actually fill the tank up, though... .If we are driving and have like 25 (or whatever) miles left in the tank, and only put in several gallons worth in order to get gas cheaper somewhere else, the feature keeps telling us that we only have 25 miles left to go. It's like the feature isn't "tripped" unless the car gets a full tank and can start calculating its mileage from there. The only way we really know that we have more miles left than that is by looking at the gas gauge showing how far from Empty we are... .

Since you say that it was telling you that you had more miles left than when he took the car, maybe the discrepancy has something to do with just putting in $30 and filling up the tank? The only reason I mention this is, just in case it might be what happened, maybe you wouldn't need to be so upset about that part, at least 

[LilHurt420]

Just this morning I had to stop myself from losing it after uBPDh lied to me about putting gas in my car.  He took my car to go watch football last night.  I needed gas and before I got in he mentioned him putting $30 in the tank.  Only my car tells me how many miles of gas are in it and there was only 50 miles.  $30 routinely gets me at least 200 miles.  He still swore he put $30 and blamed it on the price of gas... .still there should have been more than 50 miles.  So I said well you must have driven 150 miles then.  He said no he just went 10 mins into town.  I was feeling myself loose my cool so I just ended the conversation by saying "ok none of that makes sense but whatever you say... .I'm not going to argue with you about it"

I don't know what kind of car you have, but we just got a new Toyota Prius a few months ago, and for the first time have a car that tell us how many miles we have left in the car to go. What we've found is that this feature doesn't work properly when we don't actually fill the tank up, though... .If we are driving and have like 25 (or whatever) miles left in the tank, and only put in several gallons worth in order to get gas cheaper somewhere else, the feature keeps telling us that we only have 25 miles left to go. It's like the feature isn't "tripped" unless the car gets a full tank and can start calculating its mileage from there. The only way we really know that we have more miles left than that is by looking at the gas gauge showing how far from Empty we are... .

Since you say that it was telling you that you had more miles left than when he took the car, maybe the discrepancy has something to do with just putting in $30 and filling up the tank? The only reason I mention this is, just in case it might be what happened, maybe you wouldn't need to be so upset about that part, at least 

Thanks   I have an Acura RDX, but it's always accurate even when filling up no matter how much you put in.  I had a newer rental car when my car was hit a few month ago that did the same thing as your Prius.  I thought the gas station ripped me off one day and even went in and complained! LOL