tired of covering for uBPDh

[LilHurt420]

Do you cover for your BPD in front of others?

Last night his friend stopped by the house (I've known him as long as I've known uBPDh, they were college roomates when we met in college 10 years ago).  We were talking and somehow the conversation got to gifts and my H mentioned how he brought me a few purses and I never wear them.

I don't wear them because he threw them all away in a rage when he got rid of most of the stuff he's ever brought me in the last 10 years and some things he didn't even buy me but knew I liked!

I tried giving him "the look" and said... ."I used to use them... .I just haven't been able to lately" and he just looked oblivious to it and acted again like I was too good to use the bags he got me.

I hate when moments like this come up and I have to cover for what he's done.

Do you ever find yourself covering for their behavior in front of others?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ColdEthyl]

Yep. Mine hides from phone calls from his family, and I cover for him. Mind you, on the side I've told them what's what, but yeah... .I still cover for him.

He hasn't destroyed anything of mine for a few years, but in the beginning I used to lie/cover up for him quite often. I've noticed lying just sort of comes as natural as breathing to them. I'm not sure if it's just from practice, or if they believe some of the nonsense they say (I've read that they lie to make their feelings match their words)

[Fatherwith2girls]

I believe this is a huge issue for most spouses. I have covered for her outbursts with family, dropping friends, being mean and so much more. I feel like I'm the only reason people she has known for a while still maintain a relationship.  She would have dropped all of them over time and have no one if we didn't help by covering for bad behavior. It's exhausting and you have to tell yourself that they didn't mean it, which they don't because usually she is remorseful later but won't accept the responsibility of apologizing.  I have to fix the problem and hope I make it good enough to keep friends and family close.

[Determined1]

Yup especially if we had plans to go see my family (they do not know that she has BPD) and if we have a fight before going, she will refuse to go. I don't want to abadon her and go alone plus it will look awkward (although I have on one or two occasions). I just call and say that I am too tired (I work overnight so it is believable), one time I said that our dog was sick and sometimes, it is car trouble.

[MammaMia]

If pwBPD misbehave, the responsibility should be theirs. If they choose to act badly, let them own it.

When nons cover for them, they are perceived to be enablers, and no one is being fooled.

The only other viable option is to explain that he/she has BPD and often says and does inappropriate things because of an inability to control their emotional responses.

When people are aware there is an illness involved, they are much less likely to be offended, and you will not find it necessary to do damage control all the time.  You may even gain some much-needed support for yourself.

[ColdEthyl]

The only other viable option is to explain that he/she has BPD and often says and does inappropriate things because of an inability to control their emotional responses.

Thank you, MommaMia that is more like what I was trying to say. However, it's important to note that saying that in front of them isn't a good idea. It will hurt them, and cause dysregulation. I cover for him to a certain extent. However, his choices not to call his parents or not join me in family events I simply remark on the BPD or anxiety issues.

[MammaMia]

Absolutely... .never speak about a pwBPD as if they are not there.  Any communication with others about their disorder must be done in private.

[Fatherwith2girls]

I have told a select few people because I didn't want to cover and I wanted them to understand that niceness, meaness, rudeness all come in waves.  It helped my neighbors a lot because my wife wanted to stop talking to them because she thought the didn't like her. I couldn't get her to understand she was perceiving things that weren't reality so I told my neighbors about her extreme reactivity. They are much more understanding and caring now. It really helped, but a lot of people just don't want to put up with the behavior because they don't have to.  I wouldn't expect everyone to be so understanding.