Tonight I'm depressed

[Indyan]

I'm sad. And I'm fed up with all this... .with the chaos since July.

I have enough of being alone with the kids, and constantly struggling.

Tired of keeping a home together while BPD is trying to destroy things from afar, tired of being the strong one, the patient one, the kind one etc, when all what he does is threaten me and accuse me.

I have enough of this crazy chaotic life and seeing all these people in their normal lives.

I'm tired and down.

It feels the struggle is neverending, and knowing it's just the beginning freaks me out.

I do tell myself we've moved toward a diagnosis (at last) and he may finally see the right doctor... .but at what cost? We sacrificed our family, what we had built together, the trust, the love, everything.

As if he had to punish me when beginning to admit he's "not well".

I have enough of having the bad role, when in fact I'm the one who's been left to deal with everything: kids, house, papers, tax... .

With absolutely no support from his lousy family.

I feel destroyed, hurt, betrayed and fooled.

Yes, fooled. He fooled me into believing he was that nice, cool and romantic guy when in fact he's a calculating, manipulative monster with no emotions.

He's done everything he could to hurt me.

My therapist asked me 2days ago whether "I still love him". I can't even begin to answer this question. I used to believe that when I love it's for ever, that it doesn't just cease. But here I don't know anymore, for the first time in my life. I know I'm not a masochist. On the other hand, I know he's ill, but still, it hurts.

I'm lost and confused in lunaticland.

I wasn't prepared for all this, I had never heard of personality disorders in my life. And in two years, here I am, with a new baby (gorgeous btw) and a crazy man who says "we're done", while accusing me of leaving him.

I left a 10-yr relationship for this chaos? What a clever choice!

I wonder if I'll find peace one day, now that M. lunatic has entered my life.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[wendy109]

  I know how you feel. 

[peiper]

I can so relate. Mine left blaming it on me and is living with the guy she was cheating  with. It does get better, keep posting.

[hope2727]

Sending you all the support I can muster. Mine left and blames me for all his misery. Mind you he is still miserable without me.

Your posts inspire me to keep going. Thank you.

[formflier]

Yes, fooled. He fooled me into believing he was that nice, cool and romantic guy when in fact he's a calculating, manipulative monster with no emotions.

Did he fool you... .or did BPD sneak up on you?

"we're done", while accusing me of leaving him.

This part of the disorder... .being accused of what they are actually doing... .is very frustrating.  When this gets better... there will be less accusing... but they they will "suggest" things that you think... .then it gets better... .and then they just "ask" odd questions about things that you aren't doing... and don't think.

Just focus on responding appropriately... .looking for an emotion to validate... and move along.  Challenging them on this behavior is not a good strategy.[/quote]

I left a 10-yr relationship for this chaos? What a clever choice!

Would you like to tell us about this choice?

[vortex of confusion]

Wanted to send you a great big hug! 

I have had a lot of the same thoughts as you.

[formflier]

 

     

And a follow up hug from me!

[takingandsending]

Hey Indyan. 

So sorry you are feeling low right now. I am completing a peer to peer family living with mental illness class. And it's is just a rough go for us. In the class, it was described as a two edged sword - the person with mental illness loses qualities that we valued and they gain added qualities that are difficult to deal with. So we lose both ways, which makes us feel lost, overwhelmed, responsible and exhausted.

With so much chaos going on, it's critical to do positive things for yourself, to find ways of getting support, soothing and any moment of relief that you can. Is there anything that you can do for yourself right now that will bring a moment, a respite from the pain? A walk, a talk with a friend, a movie?

With a baby, it is difficult to make time for yourself, even with an engaged and supportive partner. But, sometimes, you can imagine giving to yourself even as you give to your child. And when you see them filled up with happiness, imagine that you are giving to yourself as a child and that you are filled with that happiness, too. It's called reparenting, I think, and it has worked a bit for me when I remember to try it.

 

[flowerpath]

Hi, Indyan.

I’m so sorry about what you are going through. To be on the receiving end of BPD behaviors is a difficult place to be.   It is very trying to feel like you are the only strong one, level-minded one, kind one, patient one, and responsible one. 

I like what Formflier asked.   

Did he fool you... .or did BPD sneak up on you?

I can say that BPD snuck up on me, and yeah, it felt like an awful trick.   Early on in a relationship, most people put their best foot forward and there is a lot of validation coming from both sides, which helps to keep some of the worst traits of BPD at bay. Maybe some of the traits are subtle, possibly infrequent, and love can even turn a blind eye.  Even if you see them, you may not recognize that they are part of a bigger picture, especially if you have never heard of BPD.   All it takes is the straw that breaks the camel’s back, and then BPD can wipe nice, cool, and romantic right off your husband's face. 

On one of these threads I was given the advice to learn as much as I can about the disorder and how to protect myself from it.  I can honestly say that knowledge is power, and acting on that knowledge is even more powerful.  It hasn’t made things “normal”, at least not for me, but trying to understand where my husband is coming from in the things he says, recognize when it's the BPD talking and the perspective it's coming from, and changing how I respond - usually with the S.E.T.  or just removing myself from the behavior if necessary - has made things calmer. 

[Indyan]

Thanks to all of you 

This morning I'm feeling a little better. Seeing him is always hard for me, and week-ends are tough because I know he's coming visit.

Right now I'm trying to focus on the positive points. At least this week he stopped threatening me, and with no reaction on my part, he's eventually calmed down.

He demanded nothing from me, and even suggested baby needed breastfeeding yesterday (when the week before he skipped breasfeeding time and told me it didn't matter).

So, his manners have improved but he's still so cold towards me.

I'm exhausted and constantly tired.

TakingandSending, I went to McDon and to the movies with my D10 yesterday. Last time I'd been there was with BPD a year ago. I enjoyed it, but realized it's hard for both of us not to think and talk about BPD after we've seen him. And hard to relax for me when I know he's alone with baby.

[peiper]

Glad your feeling better 

[Indyan]

I don't "know" what to feel anymore.

I cry every day, at other times (like tonight) I feel angry.

I feel like telling BPD "Ok, fine, you don't love me, nothing will happen again between us."

On Sunday, I was feeling sad and nostalgic of the good times and sent him a song along with the words "We miss you".

I don't know whether I'm holding on in the storm or if I'm clinging to a love that is gone forever.

I don't know if I'm wrong to love him still or if I should start hating him for all the terrible things he's put me through.

I'm totally lost and confused. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not starting to lose my mind like him.

[vortex of confusion]

I don't "know" what to feel anymore.

I cry every day, at other times (like tonight) I feel angry.

I feel like telling BPD "Ok, fine, you don't love me, nothing will happen again between us."

On Sunday, I was feeling sad and nostalgic of the good times and sent him a song along with the words "We miss you".

I don't know whether I'm holding on in the storm or if I'm clinging to a love that is gone forever.

I don't know if I'm wrong to love him still or if I should start hating him for all the terrible things he's put me through.

I'm totally lost and confused. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not starting to lose my mind like him.

Sending you some more hugs. 

I know exactly how you are feeling. I am all over the boards these days because I don't know how to feel about anything. I feel flakier than a pie crust at times. I know I will be staying long enough to get myself in order. Not sure what will happen after that.

I know how hard it is to not know what to feel about the things that they have said and done. It is weird because nobody in my real life would ever guess that I was going through such inner turmoil. I take care of the kids, the household, and everything else without batting an eye most of the time. Inside, it feels like I am slowly dying. 

[hope2727]

Indyan

I so understand. I am all over the place too. I want to call him and reach out and tel him how loved he is but it always ends up being taken so negatively and turned against me that whats the point. I am sitting here trying to make myself go out for dinner and all I really want to do is crawl under the covers and cry. You are not alone. Just be true to yourself is I think the best you can do.

[Indyan]

Thanks to both of you.

Yes Vortex, often I tell myself "I'm dying inside", followed by "I mustn't let myself become like him."

I've come up with a few statements that help me get on:

"He has more to lose that I have"

"Truth will come out eventually"