P tells me I am not BPD

[hope2727]

So thank you to everyone who has shared their stories here and responded to my posts. I was feeling so lost until I found al of you.

Brief history engaged to pwBPD and BPII (most likely he is in treatment and starting to use a lot of DBT, BPD and BP terms but has me mostly shut out NC). He left me last year and then returned and then was back and forth all year until the same week in 5 months ago this year when he totally lost it and left me again. I knew little to nothing about BPD and have been on a rapid learning curve. He is NC or LC with the occasional lashing out or meaningless text to poke me and see if I respond. I still love and respect him and want to reunite and work together but at the moment he is entrenched in painting me very black and a major smear campaign. I am doing better everyday but still immensely sad. I was so stonewalled and gaslit that I felt I was the pwBPD and sought therapy from a phd psychologist who specializes in it.

Examining my relationship and past marriage and FOO I have definitely got a stack of pwBPD (dad)  and other mental illnesses (sibling and ex husband)  in my life. I knew this but didn't see it in my fiancee until after more than a year in (almost 2 years). Then a switch flipped and he turned into a different person. Luckily he flipped out at work and was ordered into care. This included inpatient, a psychiatrist, psychologist and group therapy. He (last I heard) was on effexor but drinking heavily and projecting all his crappy behaviour onto me. So by the last blast from him I though I was BPD. Off to therapy I marched, paid out of pocket and did the darn DBT. Hmmmmm.

Today psychologist tells me I am not "crazy" his words or BPD and that I love unconditionally but need to learn to quit relationships that aren't working sooner. Last week he told me I wasn't co-dependent or I wouldn't have stood up for my core values and would still be in the relationship. So I am feeling a bit better but admittedly pretty sad. He says I am supposed to. So here I am crying my eyes out and writing to all of you. I can't thank you enough for listening and being supportive. I still love my guy. I know I always will. I forgive him. I won't tolerate one more ounce of bad treatment from him. However if his therapy is effective (he currently seems to be lying his face off and slipping by) and he wants to try again I will but ONLY with the help of either his therapist or mine or better yet both.

So thanks all. Any suggestions on how to be patient and wait for him to show signs of getting well? I am feeling really hopeless at the moment.  :'(

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

  Off to therapy I marched, paid out of pocket and did the darn DBT.

What did you think of DBT?

Today psychologist tells me I am not "crazy" his words or BPD and that I love unconditionally but need to learn to quit relationships that aren't working sooner.

I might suggest altering this advice a bit... .for a "stayer". 

I think that many stayers have made unhealthy choices or compromises (before learning about BPD) out of "fear" of what will happen to the r/s.  Making decisions out of fear is generally not a good thing to do in life.  Making decisions out of fear in a r/s... .is bad.  In a r/s with pwBPD traits... .it's disastrous... .

So... I would modify that statement to say that people on the staying board need to quit making unhealthy decisions about their r/s with the full knowledge that their partner may choose to leave the r/s.  Most likely the partner that displays BPD traits will not leave... .but that is a chance... .and that is their choice.  We need to send them staying signals... .without any "static" or distractions... .what they choose to do with those signals is their business.


Once you can detach yourself a bit to be able to make the a choice such as this... .you now have power back on your side in a r/s.  That power will build confidence even more/

Last week he told me I wasn't co-dependent or I wouldn't have stood up for my core values and would still be in the relationship. So I am feeling a bit better but admittedly pretty sad. He says I am supposed to.

This is good.  How do you feel about your core values?  Can you identify them... .talk about them... explain why the are core values?

[hope2727]

DBT was ok. Much of it I already did just as part of learning to be less bad tempered long ago. It wasn't called the same name but basically its the same premises. Lots of it is I think just being an adult. DOn't panic and ride every emotional wave that comes along so to speak.

Yes I agree that staying is a legitimate choice but making the relationship start to work better is critical. I think my therapist was referring to quitting trying the same thing over and over again and expecting the different results. He DID NOT recommend reaching out to my pwBPD. The therapist felt it would just be unproductive and that if my pwBPD was in therapy (he is) and getting well (he doesn't appear to be) he will contact me with something significant when he is ready. I agree it just sucks because I miss him a great deal. HE can be a wonderful person when he lets himself be himself and stops trying to emulate other people.

My core values are unchanged. We talk about them in therapy regularly. They include honesty, fidelity, honour among others. I found myself whittled away at in this relationship and despite wishing he could get well and come home I am relieved to be beginning to like feel myself again. It would be harder for someone to chisel away at me now that I understand this disorder better. I have always stuck to my core values with my fiancee. Sometimes he rages and sometimes he pouted but then he respected them. Until he finally couldn't manage his dysregulation anymore. Then he just raged and cut me off. So we shall see. Perhaps therapy and meds will make the difference. Perhaps not. I don't know. I can only keep living my life and hoping for him to find his sense of self.