I want to go. No, I dont. Yes, I do. Well, no, I don't...

[Mr. Solo]

... .dBPDw plays this game every time I plan something with our three kids. Saturday, I planned to take our kids to the state fair about two hours away. I invited dBPDw along but she said she didn't feel like going. I kept inviting her throughout the day and she declined every time. The kids were at her place so I swung by there to get them. As soon as I drove off, I started getting texts saying she wants to go. I told her I would turn around and she said not to. So, I kept going. I started getting more texts saying she changed her mind again and wants to go. I tell her again I will come get her. She again says never mind. She kept asking me where I was at on the way and once I basically got far enough away that I didn't think it made sense to go back (45 mins away) she asked me to come back and get her. When I said we were too far away she started saying she felt like she did when she was a kid and wasn't allowed to go to the fair (she grew up in foster care). I felt like that was a guilt trip for sure. Then she started saying for us to just go have a good time and not worry about her because she is okay and she is just going to cry herself to sleep. She didn't go to sleep but started texting saying she should have just came when I picked the kids up. Duh! I realized she has always done this. I am not sure what I am supposed to do? Make her go? I have even told her before she knows once we leave she will want to go so just come on but she always waits until we are gone.

Something I am concerned about, as well, is dBPDw has started having more run-ins with D14 and S12. Just about every time we go somewhere dBPDw ends up causing drama between her and D14 or S12. What is so frustrating is dBPDw gets to a certain point in the argument and then turns to me and asks why I am not backing her up or she will ask me if she is being ridiculous. I am supposed to answer that question sitting at table in front of our three kids? I believe in honesty but the few times I have told the truth, it was bad. Then I was accused of degrading her in front of the kids. She asked for goodness sakes. It is a tough situation to be in because D14 has asked me before why I don't intervene when dBPDw is acting out. Situations like this usually end with one of the kids crying and my wife in a hot rage.

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[takingandsending]

Hi Mr. Solo.

I can relate to this BPD phenomena very well! 

My uBPDw similarly could not decide if she wanted to go for a hike with my two sons and me yesterday during our unseasonably nice weather we are having. She wasn't feeling well (in retrospect, think she was mildly dissociating as she asked me to place weights on her legs whilst lying down to "ground" her). But she still kept waffling - "I really want to go", but then take no action to actually make it a reality. Over and over.

My mistake is that I just didn't go. So the boys and I lost out because I couldn't have a decent boundary. It is very frustrating. And yes, your wife was very adept at reading when you were past the point of no return, so that she could make you responsible for enacting the ritualized abandonment that they must create to make their inner world stay functioning.

Would you consider next time just planning your excursion without her? What would that feel like? Let her know in advance that you will be back, that you care about her but you want some "you time" with the kids. You will let her know when you arrive, and when you are returning but not plan on answering texts/phone while away. That type of defined boundary might help her regulate her day. More importantly, it will help you have your experience without all of the strings pulling at you throughout the day.

Re. what to do in front of the kids ... .I think the best you can do, particularly if she is dysregulated and the kids are escalated too is to create separation. Validate to your wife that you see her upset. State you will come back to her to discuss when you can. Then remove yourself and your children. If your kids don't agree to leaving, then maintain your own boundary and leave yourself. These dynamics are like a watch - they require winding to keep operating. Removing your energy reduces the duration the dynamic keeps ticking by one person. If you are genuinely worried that her rage will be harmful to the kids, then I'd revise that to not abandon them if they choose not to leave, but still work to create separation and safety for them.

[Grey Kitty]

I think consistent boundaries and behavior on your part is best. Know that she may not like it, and may blow up at you.

I am not sure what I am supposed to do?

I'd just tell her that you are going with the kids and she is invited. Say something when you make plans. Say something in the morning when you are getting ready to go. Then tell her you are leaving.

If she txts you about wanting to go once you've left, either don't reply (when you are driving!), or just tell her that you aren't coming back for her now. Then spend your time out focused on your kids, not texting her.

Chasing after her, trying to convince her to go, and offering to turn around and get her is invalidating, rather than helpful. She is an adult; where they impact only her like this, let her make her own choices, and live with them.

Something I am concerned about, as well, is dBPDw has started having more run-ins with D14 and S12. Just about every time we go somewhere dBPDw ends up causing drama between her and D14 or S12. What is so frustrating is dBPDw gets to a certain point in the argument and then turns to me and asks why I am not backing her up or she will ask me if she is being ridiculous. I am supposed to answer that question sitting at table in front of our three kids? I believe in honesty but the few times I have told the truth, it was bad. Then I was accused of degrading her in front of the kids. She asked for goodness sakes. It is a tough situation to be in because D14 has asked me before why I don't intervene when dBPDw is acting out. Situations like this usually end with one of the kids crying and my wife in a hot rage.

I'd suggest two things. First, decide when dBPDw's treatment of the kids is over the limit for you. When this happens, remove the kid(s) from her.

Until this happens, try not to get in the middle of it. When your wife asks you a no-win question (back her up or say she's ridiculous), just say ":)on't ask me that." And stick to it.

You can later explain that she's put you in a no-win situation--you can speak the truth as you see it (which would undermine her, and you do not want to do). Or you can lie, which you won't do.