Interactions with other children

[catclaw]

It about SS7 again (obviously).

This weekend we had friends from further away over who have a 10 y/o son. We thought it might be good for SS to have someone to play with, they have similar interests and stuff... I watched them interact for like an hour - SS7 has so much trouble making friends and now I understand why.

- He sets up rules for games and changes them whenever it pleases him ("you can only move the stone once" and one second later, when it's his turn "but I can move the stone twice if I want to, but that's only an exception for this round" - no wonder playing with him gets boring for the other kids). If the other kid doesn't agree, he just keeps on playing on his own like he doesn't even seem to care. One minute later he comes up with some other invented game.

- If the other kid doesn't join in, he gets clingy. No, I mean, really clingy. He's literally hanging on the other kids' body and not letting go saying things like "cuddling! cuddling!" so that the other kid can't even move. The boy said "I can't breathe, let go now", SS7 started doesn't seem to even listen but hangs on even harder.

- That cuddling thing was even seen by his teacher. She advised us to talk to him to keep cuddling and hugging a family-thing that doesn't belong in every playing situation with other kids. He doesn't understand that. I tell him every now and then, when kids are over (they tend to come over only once or only stay for max. 2 hours before they want to go home again) and I see him clinging to them "remember what we talked about the other day?" and then he's offended and goes away.  10 Minutes later, same thing. His former best (and only) freind over here avoids him on the playground, because his friends are already mocking him for "having a little lover". He had 2 firend ever since, both friendships didn't even last a week. He just doesn't learn...

His mother sees it as normal, like "he's so sensitive and needs so much warmth and he's so cute when he does this", I see it as a real problem for his social development. She doesn't see the need for a social skills training (a kind of therapy his pediatrician prescribed to him), be cause she says it's just a character trait that she likes a lot. I feel like I'm getting insane over here ~.~

Any thoughts on this?

[scraps66]

I have a ton of thoughts.  My S10 has been diagnosed Asperger's.  We, me and exuBPDNPDw, still disagree with the significance of his behavior that is very similar to what you've written and observed.  My ex is without a doubt enmeshed with S10.  They, S10 and ex, have very similar coping skills with denial being at the top of the list.  S10 also has concerning skills.  For instance, ex has made him out to be so brilliant that I feel he is afraid to show that there are some things he cannot do.  Example, ex has him playing viola, and I can tell from all the texts I get about when he needs to be practicing, that, since this was HER idea, S10 WILL be brilliant at viola.  But maybe S10 doesn't think so.  So, instead of practicing to be brilliant, when I ask him to practice, instead he tells me, and instead of actually practicing, he says to me, not acknowledging practicing, but also not practicing, he says, "oh, dad, I'm writing music now, I'm writing this little tune that I've been humming."  On and on, resistance to practice the instrument, but is writing music.  He's already mastered playing the instrument and now he's moved on to writing music.  This is just one example, but I see it with other things that he is not good at, like baseball, won't practice hitting, but he'll get up to bat and try to bat opposite hand.  In this way, he's always got a fall back, "oh, heck, no I didn't get a hit at today's game, but I was switch hitting... .since I've already mastered hitting with my dominant side." 

Does SS7 have a diagnosis of any kind?  I am begin fought right now with social skills as well.  My S10 has an IEP at school which opens him up to some additional services.

   

[catclaw]

He hasn't been diagnosed with autism, he's got a retarded development of higher cognitive functions (i.e. concentration, emotional problems, social skills) he's going to see the therapist for. The therapist (a kind of play-therapy, linked with diagnostics and stuff) was shocked after asking about all the important points of his vita and said that (regarding his past and his actual behavior) he might be traumatized and that she will try to figure out if a trauma-therapy will be necessary. They offer group-therapy to kids with problems in interaction and even therapy with their specially educated therapy-dog. As he loves animals (more than he loves humans i think... ), I think it was the right choice to take him there... .Step by step... .We'll see what the diagnostics bring up. He's got so much stuff to cope with right now, the play-therapy is just thought to be an aid for him not to feel like an alien to the other kids... .afterwards the therapist's plan is to reduce his terrors and his anxiety as well as his lack of concentration/ tendency to be distracted way too easily.

[scraps66]

Hopefully this will help.  Play Therapy was just strongly recommended to me for my S10 who has problems sustaining friendships and issues of anxiety brought about by the divorce, and IMO, the conflict his mother keeps him in around him.  Because talk therapy has not worked well, it's thought that play therapy may do much better.  I read conflicting things about play, that it takes a long time to see benefits and is expensive as it is not recognized by healthcare.

[catclaw]

where I live, we have it covered by healthcare. so this is one amazing thing on the pro side talk therapy (from where we are right now) might just bring him more into loyalty conflicts (he never ever talks about what happens at mom's). next week, the therapist will try to get a first impression on how he's doing. i will post the progress every niw and then if you like.