How do I let go and move on?

[frizz]

I understand my uBPDg doesn't hurt me intentionally. She cares, and she's trying, and with counseling and hard work on both of our parts, our relationship is completely different from what it was a couple years ago. I am proud of her, and I'm proud of myself. We've come a long way.

Unfortunately, there's already been a lot of damage done, and it makes it hard for me to look forward. How do you let go of the names she's called you and the memories of past violent outbursts and the fear that she's still acting inappropriately with the still-orbiting admirers she insists she no longer sends sexy photos and messages to anymore?

How are you not bitter? I am struggling to maintain my happy face.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[frizz]

Here I am, replying to my own post. I'm thinking this through.

The hardest part for me is being wholly responsible for patching up those hurt feelings within myself. In other relationships, there's been a more mutual process of reconciliation - one party says they're hurt, and the other acknowledges and apologizes. Granted, that won't happen 100% of the time with anyone, but with a pwBPD, we don't get the "I'm sorry" we need, but a "no, YOU... ." instead. Not only that, but my own "I'm sorry" when I screw up (which I do sometimes! ) is most often rejected.

It's no wonder it feels like everything is left wide open. Do you struggle with actually resolving conflict so it feels like nothing is ever resolved? I think that's more specific to what I'm feeling right now. It's frustrating and starting to really get me down.

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, frizz &  

I know what you are talking about, and it really can cause us so much angst and pain and frustration when we feel like no matter what we do to try to "fix" things, we can't get it done... .And besides that, we seem to never get that "I'm sorry" after the dysregulation, and then have to come around and forgive and forget anyway  

Have you read the links to the right-hand side of this page yet? Please take some time and check out the Lessons for Members Staying and Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner, where you will learn how your girlfriend's mind is working, why she says and does what she does, and how to deal with it better. You will find out, like I did, that detaching from the hurtful things she says during a dysregulation and not taking them personally--because in the end, it's not about you actually--is one way to get untangled emotionally from the episode.

We've all been there, frizz, and it's not easy, but you really can learn the communication tools and techniques that can help your girlfriend's buttons from always being pushed, and help you stop the pain and confusion you are going through. Keep reading on this site, keep telling us your story, and let us know what you think of the links to the right-hand side of this page. We want to help  

[frizz]

Thanks so much for the response! You've perfectly described my internal struggle in your first sentence, and it helps a lot just to hear it from somebody else.

I'm a bit embarrassed to admit that if this site were a paper book, it'd be dog-eared and yellowed by now  Prompt validation helped a lot at first, but its power has started to fade. I'm still getting stuck in Catch-22 questions and everything gets topsy-turvy real quick when we're having an episode. My first boundary was "If I am feeling out of control, I need to remove myself," so I have taken to leaving the house when I start to feel it (my doorknob is gone, and a bookshelf behind my door does NOT keep her out when she has a point to make). That also has been helping after the first set of extinction bursts.

It's hard, though. I have only recently reached a turning point to where I respect myself enough to even put some of this into practice. I'm still having a hard time.

So far, the most helpful has been from her family, believe it or not. They're aware of the issues, which far predate our relationship, and while she's officially a "u"BPD, I suspect her therapists may not be sharing everything with her. She's been making noticeable progress with DBT at a clinic that specializes in N/BPD. There would be no point.

You know, it's starting to sound like maybe I just need to be validated, myself 

[Rapt Reader]

Ah... .I do validate your experience, frizz 

We've all gone through it, or are going through it still. It takes time to deal with dysregulations and tribulations in an easy manner, and sometimes it even can't really be done as effectively as we would like it to although we have lots of experience with it 

I'm glad you are finding this site helpful, and are learning what you can--it's a process and although I've been on this site since April 2013, I'm still learning myself and still struggling every now and then when certain things happen with my Husband that I don't expect or understand fully. But it's better, gets better every day, and I've learned so much that I'm a better person than I was before... .

You've got some great things going for you: Your wife is in Therapy, learning DBT, and seems to have a Therapist who cares and understands her. And you have her family as a support system to catch you when you fall. And your turning point really is a milestone for you; respecting yourself to value your own well-being enough to try to do what's best for you and your relationship is a great hurdle to have jumped. I do think you are on the right track, frizz (how that for mixing metaphors?   ).