I need a sanity check

[tired-of-it-all]

This may sound petty but I need a sanity check.

I have suffered decades of abuse from my BPDwife.  Several years ago, I was driving home on a hot day and I pulled off my wedding ring and my watch to let my hands cool.  When I reached home, I almost got out of the car without my wedding ring.  I panicked because my wife almost saw me without the ring.  I then realized that this was another area where I gave her too much control.  I left the ring off and quit wearing it.  The only time I would wear it is if we went on a date together.  

We had lots of other ups and downs including a time that I left her for nearly a year.  I continue this practice with the ring.  I am back in the house with her and I wear my ring if we go out together or when we go to church.

In the last few months, she took a job and she got a lot better.  Her behavior is a lot better than it has been and I have actually enjoyed being with her.  I was hopeful that our lives were improving and that the whole family was doing better.  All of a sudden she has quit wearing her rings.  Ever at all.  It is like she is trying to balance the scale with me.  What she doesn't accept is that the scale will never balance.  She has been so ___ty and cruel to me through the decades that I don't owe her anything.  She owes me so much it will never be right.  And yet, she is gigging me with this ring issue.  I am pissed but I am trying to not give her control of my happiness.

Again, I know this whole thing seems petty but this is one of the few areas where I could get her attention and make her see how unacceptable her behavior has been.  Yet she thinks she is getting even by not wearing her rings.

What do you guys think?  Please be brutally honest.



Thanks

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[takingandsending]

Hello tired. What does it mean to you when she has taken off her ring? Is it going against something that you hold very dear and important in who you are?

Can you tell us more about what you think her intentions are?

[frizz]

My BPDg has so many defense mechanisms in place, she doesn't understand how her behavior affects others even when confronted directly about it. If it means something to me, like if it helps me remember my (independent) values, I'd do something like removing a wedding ring. But it's not up to me to show her how unacceptable her behavior has been, and I know something as subtle as that wouldn't do anything on her part but trigger a rage.

It's a struggle. I so badly want to teach her a lesson, to make her understand how awful it is to be abused. I can't stand the righteous indignation that accompanies a rage when there's been so much hurt done to me in the past that she doesn't even acknowledge. I struggle to accept that things are the way they are and that the behaviors of the pwBPD in my life are completely up to them, but I have to do it. I can see that doing so makes me feel better about my own life because I'm not constantly fighting, swimming against the current.

Do what you do to be strong for yourself, but don't be surprised when she rails against it. She will. I can't get caught up in that tit-for-tat stuff, and I absolutely cannot try to get her to see the error of her ways or change her behavior. All that has to come from her. In the meantime, I do what I need to to take care of myself.

[MissyM]

I am somewhat confused by your story.  I can imagine that if I quit wearing my wedding ring regularly that my dBPDh would do the same, or vice versa.  It would be a very significant thing for us, so I am not quite sure why you would be surprised that a BPDw would have a severe reaction to you not wearing your ring all of the time.  Maybe you can further enlighten me?

[tired-of-it-all]

MissyM,

I guess I am surprised that she started doing it right after things started to go well.  She behaved horribly for years.  I could never make her see how bad things were.  I stopped wearing my ring (most of the time) and I left her (for a time).  This seemed to start to crack the venire.  She recently got a job and that seemed to change her behavior for the better.  Very much for the better.  Now all of a sudden, she stopped wearing her rings. 

I don't understand why now.  Why when things were just starting to be good?  She is not acting badly or combative.  She is being reasonable and emotionally mature.  I have not mentioned it because I don't want to engage in a big fight.  I don't want to give her that control over my serenity.

Frizz,

I like what you said.  I think that is why I have not mentioned it to her.  I barely care anymore.  I don't care at all much of the time.  I don't want a tit for tat.  Even if I did, I am many, many tats down.