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Author Topic: I won't leave him for anyone or anything  (Read 407 times)
christoff522
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« on: October 20, 2014, 10:53:40 PM »

Interesting new turn up for the books. I had a massive row with my BPD today. I massively over-reacted, I was tired and lying in bed, I'd sent her a song on facebook message and I wanted her to listen, anyway she asked me why I sent it and I lost the plot.

My bad.

Anyway the argument continued throughout the day, she said she didn't want to talk to anyone except her bf, and I mentioned someone I'd been on a date with in retaliation... eventually she deleted me. So anyway, she went cold on me, and I continued talking, trying to get why she deleted me, then she mentioned the girl I'd spoke about in retaliation.

It turns out (not that she'd say) that she'd deleted me because I'd mentioned her, she was jealous. I noticed she began being a bit more clingy. Then the topic turned to her bf again and she said the thread title. She wouldn't leave him for anyone or anything.

I told her I understood. But she doesn't realise what I understood. A BPD will not leave anyone they're with, goodness me no, they won't leave until they see signs of rejection. So yeah I get that.

Another thing, she doesn't seem to get what love or care is, she sees it as an exchange, one thing for another, she even sees that from her mum as if her mum doing stuff is because she owes her, or in order to receive payment for a debt or whatever.

Very strange. I've persisted anyway, and she's re-added me. She's also made a massive playlist for me to listen to. Lots of songs, some happy some sad, but all in some way relating to love and relationships. It seems to me, a BPD's sole focus is to be loved, or to experience love. It's so sad, but honestly, today has been the most progress we have made since the discard, I don't know what it is, but i feel that when she really honestly truthfully thought I was gonna have someone else, she freaked. I think I hit her jealousy core. She even made out like she WANTS me to be with this girl, knowing I'd have to soothe her or reject her. Tbh I was scared myself, I thought that was it tonight and I was black. Thankfully I recovered the situation.

I know that we're probably never gonna get back together, but I don't wanna lose her, I do feel better with her around, it gives me a bit of a confidence boost knowing she's there. I'm willing to play the friend game for a bit, but i'm STILL going on dates with this other girl, shes wonderful. But I'm not having a relationship, not yet. The idealization intensity is high with my BPD and her bf right now - which will only lead to devaluation in the end. It's like they're at the pinnacle, and I can't see how this lad can keep it going, he works a lot, and he's starting another job in the fire service soon, which means he's gonna be pretty unavailable. He's either gonna have to dump her, or start acting weird, which will trigger rejection anxiety and lead to a break up.

I hate thinking like this, but right now it's all I have.

Does anyone have some advice?
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Infern0
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« Reply #1 on: October 20, 2014, 11:31:45 PM »

They all say this kind of thing and it's absolute bollocks. 
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christoff522
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« Reply #2 on: October 21, 2014, 06:50:29 AM »

They all say this kind of thing and it's absolute bollocks. 

Yeah i thought this later. Why even say that? That should be a given. 1 month ago shes lying on top of me kissing me, and suddenly he's everything... this is the disorder though.

Gonna keep distance for a while now and let her speak to me.
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Chasing_Ghosts
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« Reply #3 on: October 21, 2014, 07:06:57 AM »

Just remember that above all else "expectation is the root of all heartache."
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christoff522
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« Reply #4 on: October 21, 2014, 07:12:36 AM »

Just remember that above all else "expectation is the root of all heartache."

Honestly, i dont know what i want or expect anymore. I joined this forum after she left. 308/9 posts later shes gotten back with her ex, broken up, got a new guy. I feel restless - Hence me not speaking to her til she speaks to me.

I guess i expect to be crapped on from a very great height.
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Chasing_Ghosts
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« Reply #5 on: October 21, 2014, 07:39:21 AM »

Just remember that above all else "expectation is the root of all heartache."

Honestly, i dont know what i want or expect anymore. I joined this forum after she left. 308/9 posts later shes gotten back with her ex, broken up, got a new guy. I feel restless - Hence me not speaking to her til she speaks to me.

I guess i expect to be crapped on from a very great height.

Yea thats what i did. The whole not speaking to her till she speaks to me. I expected the worst as well. And through all this patience i had a chance to get back with her and recycle in the end. But after this experience i saw all her manipulations, i saw how she just says what i want to hear. Idealizes me and essentially just generates a clone of my existence. And i gotta say it all just started to repulse me/turn me off. The magic was gone. The fantasy long but dead and buried. Its just not the same for me anymore. After all the cheating and the amount of other guys she tells this too when she tells me she loves me i honestly just dont feel it anymore. This was the point where i finally realized i had no future with her anymore. I couldnt keep projecting my fantasy into her reality. Love shouldnt be that way in the first place. Yahweh made true romantic love to be an unconditional bond between a man and woman. Love is patient love is kind, it is gentle and does not boast. And sadly that is the exact opposite of what we have with our exes... tragic really because if she got help id be with her as she is a wonderful person deep down but again thats my ideal scenario not hers unfortunately... at least atm.
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christoff522
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« Reply #6 on: October 21, 2014, 08:17:40 AM »

Yea thats what i did. The whole not speaking to her till she speaks to me. I expected the worst as well. And through all this patience i had a chance to get back with her and recycle in the end. But after this experience i saw all her manipulations, i saw how she just says what i want to hear. Idealizes me and essentially just generates a clone of my existence. And i gotta say it all just started to repulse me/turn me off. The magic was gone. The fantasy long but dead and buried. Its just not the same for me anymore. After all the cheating and the amount of other guys she tells this too when she tells me she loves me i honestly just dont feel it anymore. This was the point where i finally realized i had no future with her anymore. I couldnt keep projecting my fantasy into her reality. Love shouldnt be that way in the first place. Yahweh made true romantic love to be an unconditional bond between a man and woman. Love is patient love is kind, it is gentle and does not boast. And sadly that is the exact opposite of what we have with our exes... tragic really because if she got help id be with her as she is a wonderful person deep down but again thats my ideal scenario not hers unfortunately... at least atm.

This is encouraging, I honestly thought I had no chance, now I see I may. It's sad though, it's like I'm waiting for a disorder to act up so I can swoop in there and take her for myself.

Like you say "wonderful person deep down", there is sweetness, light there. I've gone up and down on my rollercoaster of emotion, and I just want that chance to get the full deal, a proper relationship with her like she has now. Not the push pull games we've seemed to have, and her obsessively texting whilst keeping me and at a distance. Yes you're right about what God wants for man and women, he wants one flesh til death do we part. I like how you say "if she got help", rather than "if she'd let me help her". Nice quote of 1 Corinthians 13 btw
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SlyQQ
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« Reply #7 on: October 21, 2014, 08:18:20 AM »

good luck in not showing signs of rejection when she cheats on you lies to you disses you to people its a game you cant win
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waverider
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Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
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If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #8 on: October 21, 2014, 08:28:46 AM »

If she swings back to you again why will she not swing away again?

Once the pendulum starts its hard to stop it once she knows it is not a deal breaker boundary.
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christoff522
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« Reply #9 on: October 21, 2014, 08:46:21 AM »

good luck in not showing signs of rejection when she cheats on you lies to you disses you to people its a game you cant win

I'm aware of this, this is something that's been holding me back emotionally. I know it'll never work out, but I just want to have the relationship for however long it lasts.
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christoff522
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« Reply #10 on: October 21, 2014, 08:47:19 AM »

If she swings back to you again why will she not swing away again?

Once the pendulum starts its hard to stop it once she knows it is not a deal breaker boundary.

Maybe I'll reject her before she rejects me? Boundaries are something I'm working on, this is why we had the argument. I just need to work out whats important and what isn't when it comes to boundaries.
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waverider
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If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #11 on: October 21, 2014, 09:06:43 AM »

If she swings back to you again why will she not swing away again?

Once the pendulum starts its hard to stop it once she knows it is not a deal breaker boundary.

Maybe I'll reject her before she rejects me? Boundaries are something I'm working on, this is why we had the argument. I just need to work out whats important and what isn't when it comes to boundaries.

Separating boundaries you are will to stick to, from wishful thinking is a very important place to start. Not an easy thing to do though
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