My vow to not become angry...

[Unlikelytarget]

Okay everyone... . 

In my quest to manage volatility in my relationship with my dBPDw, I came to the realization that she has done several things in the past few days that really upset me.  I am trying to accept that she is mentally ill and there is no indication she will ever stop saying or doing these things.  I can't think of any reason why she would.

So, for my quest for "radical acceptance" of my wife, I made a list of recent upsetting behavior that I would try not to get upset about next time the occur.

This is what I wrote:

Realizing that the expectations I place on my wife are too demanding, I commit to not allow myself to become disappointed or act negatively toward her when she:

1.  Changes plans that affect me and/or the family without informing me.

2. Lies to me and tells me it is my fault.

3.  Makes promises and breaks those promises immediately after (even if she breaks the promise within seconds of making it).

4.  Ignores me when I ask her a direct question.

5.  Claims she said something she didn't say.

6.  Claims she didn't say something she did say.

7.  Claims I said something I didn't say.

8.  Claims I didn't say something I did say.

9.  Makes outrageous "factual" claims without any evidence to back up those claims.

10.  Refuses to acknowledge facts despite overwhelming proof validating those facts.

11.  Takes back apologies, no matter how old.

12.  Gets upset with me retroactively for crimes committed against her (e.g., I have been mean to her for 6 months, but she told me nothing was wrong during that time.  After realizing she feels wronged now, she becomes retroactively upset about past events she previously had no issue with.)

13.  Refuses to discipline her son.

14.  Ignores her son's bad behavior.

15.  Changes her son's punishments or takes them away after they have been given.

16.  Says ridiculous stuff and expects me to believe it.

17.  Refuses to look at evidence (audio, video, written notes, eyewitness accounts, etc) that prove she is being hurtful to me and the kids (e.g. lying, going back on promises, contradicting herself, etc).

18.  Shows no empathy for hurting others, inconveniencing others, or making life difficult for others.

19.  Places greater importance on someone wronging her, years ago, over how she is hurting people today.

20.  Says nonsensical things that confuse a conversation, then says she doesn't want to talk anymore because I am confusing her.

21.  Tells me what I am thinking.

22.  Tells me what I am feeling.

23.  Tells me why I am (really) doing something and arguing with me when I disagree.

24.  Argues with me when I tell her what I am thinking, feeling, or why I am doing something.

25.  Says something over and over, despite the fact that I have acknowledged her.  (e.g. she says, "I'm not angry" and I say, "I didn't say you were, I just don't appreciate the tone you are taking with me"

26.  She doesn't pick up the phone when I call.

27.  She doesn't respond to text messages.

28.  She ignores my questions or things I say and pretends that I didn't say anything.

29.  She denies she has any sort of emotional problems or mental health issues, and says I am messed up in the head.

30.  She denies that she is currently experiencing any emotional difficulties.

31.  She makes claims she is "cured" or "almost cured".

32.  She avoids accountability for her harmful actions by changing the subject to how she is being/has been wronged.

33.  She leaves the room in the middle of the conversation while I am talking.

34.  She starts talking over me (to someone else) while I am talking to her.

35.  She claims she doesn't know something that she claimed she knew yesterday.

36.  She goes back on promises she made yesterday based on something that happened a month ago.

37.  She grabs her head and covers her ears while screaming and sobbing acting like I am yelling at her (when I am calmly talking).

38.  She asks me a question and won't let me answer it by interrupting and talking over me.

39.  She asks me a question or makes wild accusations at me, then leaves the room before I can respond.

40. She leaves the room in the middle of a conversation with no warning.  When I follow her, she grabs her head screaming, "Go away! Leave me alone!" like I am attacking her or something. She gives no warning.  Her first request is delivered by screaming.


By the time I reached  item 40, I realized that I haven't even gone back a full week in time... .Just looking at the list upset me.  I realized how dysfunctional my relationship with my wife is and always was.  We went through years of counseling and everything has always been on me to change and never on her.  Now it seems even more the case... .now that I realize it's not just refusal to work toward a healthy relationship... .she lacks the capacity.

I'm sure you can read my list and extract a bunch f stuff that I am doing wrong and criticize me for my approach/expectations, etc... .please be kind.  I don't have all the answers and I am coming here to get help (but I also appreciate the opportunity to "vent" and get at least a little validation that I am not just a jerk and that the treatment I receive from my wife is not normal).

Can someone give me some helpful tips on how to deal with this?  How do I process this?  How can I be okay with this?

For the past four years of my marriage (except during a short separation), I have devoted 10-30 hours a week to improving my marriage.  I would read books, go to (personal) counseling, join accountability men's groups, buy flowers, bake cakes, cook meals... .During that whole time she has done nothing to help our marriage and admits it.  She is too preoccupied with herself.  I spend at least 5-10 hours every week planning conversations, so I can avoid saying anything that will upset her.  I am the one who stays up until 2:00 AM on forums trying to find anwers.  On the other hand, she says what she wants, when she wants.  She doesn't care to read about how to stop hurting people or improve our marriage.  She's in bed now... .she will be sleeping when I get up.  When I am helping the kids with homework, she will be playing sudoku on her iPhone. 

I just wish I could get a little credit for trying so hard, even if I'm a miserable failure... .

:'(

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[anxiety5]

Can I ask you something honestly? I've been in this hell for a couple years. Not married no children. Read the thread I just wrote in the separating/ending relationship forum called "hope that never was"  If you read my passage i there, knowing what you know now. What would you tell me me? Would you tell me to make these same lists that you are posting here? Or would you tell me to leave her now before I get any more involved?

On your thread: I don't know if yours is like mine but I'm sorry, I don't buy into this radical acceptance nonsense. You are being emotionally abused! A pedophile is a mental illness, does that mean a child, as their victim should learn ways to subject themselves to sexual molestation to appease them? The child would say just as we do that we love them. That's because we are being abused by them. Here is my main reason for saying this. My uBPDgf will purposely test my limits. If I give, she will reward me like a monkey and give me a banana (praise) only next time, I just do whatever action I was previously praised for and there is no banana, it's now my responsibility and duty to do it. I get one banana, but endless bouts of shame/rage when I don't do that previous task that wasn't even my responsiblity wrong even one time.

Point being: She purposely tests my limits. The more I give in, the more I appease her = the more I validate her controlling manipulative disrespectful non reciprocating moody self into confirmation that she is right I'm wrong. This further erodes any boundaries and I lose myself even more. This radical acceptance nonsense is in my opinion a pathway to psychosis FOR YOU. It's akin to emotional rape. Having everything stolen from you, and being told whatever was stolen, quit crying because it wasn't even good.

I suggest you start the path I'm starting down now. (Which has inspired me to take a journal of each day to hopefully help someone else) I'm a mess, I'm going to be a mess, I'm going to get much worse before getting better, but by god ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I'm leaving her. If I have to quit my job, move away from my family, leave town, call the cops, I don't care. I'm leaving. It may kill me to to leave her, I'm not sure of that yet. But I'm POSITIVE it will kill me if I stay.

[Unlikelytarget]

Thanks for your words... .

You got me motivated to get of my butt and take some action!

But... .

Then someone else will say something about how I should be kind and understanding... .

Then I feel guilty about my angry and independent thoughts... .After all, she can't help herself.

Anyone who is reading this... please chime in... .what are you thinking?

There is a great book called "Wisdom of the Crowds" that proved that in almost any given situation, "the crowd" is right 80%+ of the time.  That's why people trust Yelp, Amazon reviews, etc.  Not that I will blindly follow what people on a forum say... .But if 90% of people say I should get on my knees and beg for forgiveness, it will give me something to think about!

Can anyone make a good, strong argument supporting why I should stay in this relationship?

I really feel like FOG is the only REAL reason why I am doing this... .maybe a little sex too.

[123Phoebe]

Anyone who is reading this... please chime in... .what are you thinking?

I'm thinking that way too much time is 'devoted' to her issues, while less time is being spent on your well-being.  Your well-being does not depend on solving her issues.  That puts almost 100% focus on her, that everyday interactions are reduced to a list of how you can accept these things about her without feeling upset or angry.

Accepting our icky feelings can be a good catalyst for change.  Don't deny them, try to recognize them without adding fuel to the fire that's already spreading... .  There's lots of info available on how to do this.

Also, the way "we interpret" what our SO's are saying is on us; the way we behave, respond and react to this information speaks to who we are, where we're at.  And now we have ourselves a 'dynamic'.

Just some quick thoughts before work!

[jcarter4856]

I did a few years of radical acceptance. It helped, in that there was relative peace during those times. However it began to destroy me. I suggest you read this book (immediately) : www.amzn.com/1442238321 it is the only book I've found that addressed my situation (sounds similar to yours) in a productive and positive way. Read it twice!

[Unlikelytarget]

Jcarter, thanks, I'll check it out.

Phoebe, I'm not quite sure I understand what you are saying. I am abused several times a day, every day of her life. I am trying to deal with my response.

I can't just ignore it. She won't let it happen. When I have to drop my work in the middle of a project (making me miss critical deadlines impacting my life) because she decided she doesn't want to take the kids to ice skating lessons, but didn't find the need to inform me, even though she promised she would two hours earlier... .How do I deal with that?

I'm not sitting in a room, focusing on her. I'm trying to struggle through my life.  When my kids come to me crying because her son harasses them at school, or when he threatens my son with a knife, I have to deal with it. I can't just ignore my kids' cries for help.

When I go to sit down with her to discuss it, she starts screaming and crying, telling me I'm "out to get" her son.  She refuses to discipline him and removes any discipline I give him (e.g., I say "no xbox, and she lets him play while I am gone and goes out and buys him toys. The other kids who have done nothing wrong want to know why they don't get toys too)

Last night, her son made a physically threatening gesture to my son at the dinner table. I clearly saw the whole thing. She refused to address it because she "didn't see it".  I can't address it because it just makes him resent me.  He constantly reminds the other kids that, "mommy said that he isn't in charge of me. He's just my step-dad"

Yes, having 50+ similar things happen makes me upset. I am fully aware of my feelings and how they impact my health and my life. For years, I made the mistake of calmly know how she is not respecting me (or the Kids) or that she is violating my boundaries.

My boundaries aren't really boundaries though... .She crosses the line without regard for how it affects me.  Before I tried just letting me know that she is hiring me.  Then it would be something like "I won't engage in a conversation with you while you are talking abusively." We would go weeks without talking (because she won't be told how to talk). She would agree to be respectful, then sprinkle every conversation with lies, wild accusations, and mind reading.

Am I making any sense here? I am trying to take the focus off her. I am trying to live my life. I am fully aware of my feelings. This isn't just about my coping skills.  I'm trying to manage the practicalities of raising a family. A simple task like making dinner becomes very complicated when I discover we don't have food because she lied about going to the store.

I don't have time to "research various resources" on how to deal with this.  As it is, I only get 2-3 hours a sleep per night and I'm running around cleaning up the messes she causes. I'm 80+ hours behind on work.  I can't stop and take a breath because kids have to be fed and bills have to get paid.

The most perfect time I'm my adult life was when I was separated for her.  She says I blame all my problems on her.  I never thought about it in those terms, but now that I think about it, life was pretty freaking wonderful without her.  The kids were never happier too.

[waverider]

Radically accept yourself. You are entitled to be disappointed and angry. To deny yourself this is to put her needs higher than yours.

The difference is in the way you handle it. Commit to trying not to be reactionary. That is most of these issues repeat themselves, many of them are the same issue (eg abuse and disrespect). If you dont break them down into so much detail there will not be as many, and hence not as many thought through consequences needed on your part. Neither will the list seem as insurmountable or endless.

As the core behavior is repeating itself, you have plenty of time to think through what you are going to do next time a particular issue happens, rather than reacting in the moment.

If you wish to pull her up on something, dont make it about the issue(ie details), but the behavior principle, otherwise you get dragged into arguing side issues. If something makes you angry or disappointed say so, rather than just acting so.

Radical acceptance is about accepting things you can't change, in particular things that are not what you would consider "normal". You can't change being disappointed or angry, hence accept this, the radical bit is that you have to accept that you need to show/manage it differently as a result of the disorder.

Abuse is abuse, and is not to be accepted. To accept it is to validate it and feed it. Years of getting away with it probably means it is entrenched and will take hard work to reverse.

I get angry, and I get disappointed, but the sky no longer falls in when I do as i communicate it better. I no longer get abused as she will spent some serious alone time if she does. Her own abandonment fears enforce this.

Silent anger and dissapointment can trigger a pwBPD almost as easily as reactionary anger. It is the fear of your anger, or perception of it, that is fuelling them into a strike first attitude. If you learn to clearly state how you are affected then it takes the preemptive second guessing away from them.

It is no use telling her how she is hurting you, that is her intent. She will put a tick next to that action as a "use again'.

If she wont meet responsibilities, dont give her any. Dont let her pick when she can and cant have them. She needs to earn them like anyone else, dont assume she can do them until she proves otherwise.

She cant discipline her son as she cant discipline herself

Before you can do any of this though you need to ask why are you with her. Is it a choice or an obligation? This one was a very hard one for me to find a definite answer to without making excuses to myself

[123Phoebe]

Unlikelytarget, reread waverider's post, let it really sink in.

Before you can do any of this though you need to ask why are you with her. Is it a choice or an obligation?

I'd like to add to this, to ask where and to whom your obligations lie... .  Your children?  Yourself, so that you can be the best Dad possible in their formative years?  Or your wife who you say abuses you several times a day, every day?

For the past four years of my marriage (except during a short separation), I have devoted 10-30 hours a week to improving my marriage.  I would read books, go to (personal) counseling, join accountability men's groups, buy flowers, bake cakes, cook meals... .During that whole time she has done nothing to help our marriage and admits it.  She is too preoccupied with herself.  I spend at least 5-10 hours every week planning conversations, so I can avoid saying anything that will upset her.  I am the one who stays up until 2:00 AM on forums trying to find anwers. 

Through your own words it's stated that between 15 and 40hrs a week, your time is being devoted to improving your marriage.

I don't have time to "research various resources" on how to deal with this.  As it is, I only get 2-3 hours a sleep per night and I'm running around cleaning up the messes she causes. I'm 80+ hours behind on work.  I can't stop and take a breath because kids have to be fed and bills have to get paid.

In what other ways could you be spending an extra 15-40 extra hours per week?

Can anyone make a good, strong argument supporting why I should stay in this relationship?

This is the Staying Board that you're posting on, so I am to accept that you wish to stay married.  Your wife isn't in this conversation to give us her side of the story.  We can only work on ourselves here.

[Indyan]

If you dont break them down into so much detail there will not be as many, and hence not as many thought through consequences needed on your part. Neither will the list seem as insurmountable or endless.

I thought the same.

Lots of points in your lists are about your wife adjusting facts to her emotions: what people said, what happened, what she felt some time ago etc ; and about her difficulty conversing in a respectful and constructive manner.

[Wrongturn1]

... .I'm sorry, I don't buy into this radical acceptance nonsense. You are being emotionally abused!

I think anxiety5 may be misunderstanding the concept of radical acceptance.  The way I understand it, practicing radical acceptance means tossing out the expectations that you have been holding onto about the relationship and the BPD person and accepting the reality that the BPD person has a severe mental illness that interferes with their ability to have healthy behavior and healthy relationships.  Notice that this has nothing to do with accepting abuse from the BPD person.  You can practice radical acceptance while still maintaining boundaries against emotional and physical abuse.

Note that one possible outcome could look like this: you achieve radical acceptance and establish boundaries against emotional abuse; your BPD person increases the BPD behavior in an effort to put you in your place and go back to the old ways of accepting the abuse; you keep your boundaries firm and refuse to accept the abuse; the BPD person then either chooses to seek treatment for their condition since they no longer have the emotional "balm" of abusing you - or they choose to end the relationship.  Neither of these is a bad outcome.

[Indyan]

Notice that this has nothing to do with accepting abuse from the BPD person.  You can practice radical acceptance while still maintaining boundaries against emotional and physical abuse.

Indeed

[anxiety5]

... .I'm sorry, I don't buy into this radical acceptance nonsense. You are being emotionally abused!

I think anxiety5 may be misunderstanding the concept of radical acceptance.  The way I understand it, practicing radical acceptance means tossing out the expectations that you have been holding onto about the relationship and the BPD person and accepting the reality that the BPD person has a severe mental illness that interferes with their ability to have healthy behavior and healthy relationships.  Notice that this has nothing to do with accepting abuse from the BPD person.  You can practice radical acceptance while still maintaining boundaries against emotional and physical abuse.

Note that one possible outcome could look like this: you achieve radical acceptance and establish boundaries against emotional abuse; your BPD person increases the BPD behavior in an effort to put you in your place and go back to the old ways of accepting the abuse; you keep your boundaries firm and refuse to accept the abuse; the BPD person then either chooses to seek treatment for their condition since they no longer have the emotional "balm" of abusing you - or they choose to end the relationship.  Neither of these is a bad outcome.

Perhaps I was indeed confusing it. One problem in the theory of making things work I found is this though. Boundaries include not being a rescuer, but being supportive and letting them fix their issues. It's also common place that these women are beautiful and that many men have rescuing fixations. Then comes the triangulation aspect that again is common along with the fact they are prone to impulsive behavior.

In my view (and what I experienced) If I were to keep boundaries as they are defined, into place she would end up devaluing me as not "anticipating her needs" which would easily trigger the rescuer in some other triangulated relations she has at work, etc and the idealization of someone else who is willing to do these things for her. Her impulsivity would kick in and boom, you are left or cheated on.

You can call a train wreck a technical misalignment of track and train wheel, or label it whatever you want. You can try to manage it for a period of time, but in the end it's still a pile of twisted metal and unrecognizable destruction with the only caveat being your own ability to jump off before explosion.

Dating these people is playing with fire, and the fire is your soul.

[Wrongturn1]

... .these women are beautiful and that many men have rescuing fixations.

I agree with you here - those are probably some of the reasons that ended up married to a borderline gal.

In my view (and what I experienced) If I were to keep boundaries as they are defined, into place she would end up devaluing me as not "anticipating her needs" which would easily trigger the rescuer in some other triangulated relations she has at work, etc and the idealization of someone else who is willing to do these things for her. Her impulsivity would kick in and boom, you are left or cheated on.

This is certainly a plausible scenario.  It sounds like you are trying to control her behavior, however, and that's not what boundaries are about.  Boundaries are about what behaviors you are willing to accept; you enforce them by controlling things you have the ability to control.  For instance, one of your boundaries might be "I will not be in a relationship where the other person cheats."  Since you cannot control the other person's behavior, your only option to enforce the boundary is to end the relationship if your significant other cheats. 

It is possible that the ultimate result of your set of boundaries (for instance, "I will not accept emotional abuse", along with "I will not be in a relationship where the other person cheats" might be that you choose to end the relationship.  If that happens, you have not done anything wrong, or anything unfair to the person with BPD, or anything unfair to yourself. 

[waverider]

... .I'm sorry, I don't buy into this radical acceptance nonsense. You are being emotionally abused!

I think anxiety5 may be misunderstanding the concept of radical acceptance.  The way I understand it, practicing radical acceptance means tossing out the expectations that you have been holding onto about the relationship and the BPD person and accepting the reality that the BPD person has a severe mental illness that interferes with their ability to have healthy behavior and healthy relationships.  Notice that this has nothing to do with accepting abuse from the BPD person.  You can practice radical acceptance while still maintaining boundaries against emotional and physical abuse.

Note that one possible outcome could look like this: you achieve radical acceptance and establish boundaries against emotional abuse; your BPD person increases the BPD behavior in an effort to put you in your place and go back to the old ways of accepting the abuse; you keep your boundaries firm and refuse to accept the abuse; the BPD person then either chooses to seek treatment for their condition since they no longer have the emotional "balm" of abusing you - or they choose to end the relationship.  Neither of these is a bad outcome.

Perhaps I was indeed confusing it. One problem in the theory of making things work I found is this though. Boundaries include not being a rescuer, but being supportive and letting them fix their issues. It's also common place that these women are beautiful and that many men have rescuing fixations. Then comes the triangulation aspect that again is common along with the fact they are prone to impulsive behavior.

In my view (and what I experienced) If I were to keep boundaries as they are defined, into place she would end up devaluing me as not "anticipating her needs" which would easily trigger the rescuer in some other triangulated relations she has at work, etc and the idealization of someone else who is willing to do these things for her. Her impulsivity would kick in and boom, you are left or cheated on.

You can call a train wreck a technical misalignment of track and train wheel, or label it whatever you want. You can try to manage it for a period of time, but in the end it's still a pile of twisted metal and unrecognizable destruction with the only caveat being your own ability to jump off before explosion.

Dating these people is playing with fire, and the fire is your soul.

What you are describing here is powerplaying in order to lever you to provide what she wants. Much the same as you might play off one contractor against another to get the best deal done when you want some work done. This is not triangulation. It is  "V"(only two sides of the trianfgle

Triangulation is a dynamic whereby 2 people who otherwise have no issues with each other are played off as rescuer and persecutor, often having the roles switched so that these two people start to have issues between them that have been stirred up via distorted truths passed through the central "victim". . eg the way kids can do this to parents to the degree the parents start warring with each other. It is a closed 3 sided triangle.

If she decides despite all her attempts to get what she wants from you, she needs to find it elsewhere, then your boundary is that you wont expose yourself to this type of situation. She will either have to comply or you walk. pwBPD will test your boundaries for sure, they simply wont take demands or threats on face value.

How do you protect yourself from being left or cheated on? By clearly stating your boundaries and taking control of the consequencies. You cant stop either of these happening but you can stop yourself living under the threat or fear of it.

There is another common turning point members have often reported that you may want to think about:

"Things wont improve until you are a prepared to let go if need be".

This is the point where you have discovered your own self worth and have put a value on it, this is the begining of empowerment

[anxiety5]

... .I'm sorry, I don't buy into this radical acceptance nonsense. You are being emotionally abused!

I think anxiety5 may be misunderstanding the concept of radical acceptance.  The way I understand it, practicing radical acceptance means tossing out the expectations that you have been holding onto about the relationship and the BPD person and accepting the reality that the BPD person has a severe mental illness that interferes with their ability to have healthy behavior and healthy relationships.  Notice that this has nothing to do with accepting abuse from the BPD person.  You can practice radical acceptance while still maintaining boundaries against emotional and physical abuse.

Note that one possible outcome could look like this: you achieve radical acceptance and establish boundaries against emotional abuse; your BPD person increases the BPD behavior in an effort to put you in your place and go back to the old ways of accepting the abuse; you keep your boundaries firm and refuse to accept the abuse; the BPD person then either chooses to seek treatment for their condition since they no longer have the emotional "balm" of abusing you - or they choose to end the relationship.  Neither of these is a bad outcome.

Perhaps I was indeed confusing it. One problem in the theory of making things work I found is this though. Boundaries include not being a rescuer, but being supportive and letting them fix their issues. It's also common place that these women are beautiful and that many men have rescuing fixations. Then comes the triangulation aspect that again is common along with the fact they are prone to impulsive behavior.

In my view (and what I experienced) If I were to keep boundaries as they are defined, into place she would end up devaluing me as not "anticipating her needs" which would easily trigger the rescuer in some other triangulated relations she has at work, etc and the idealization of someone else who is willing to do these things for her. Her impulsivity would kick in and boom, you are left or cheated on.

You can call a train wreck a technical misalignment of track and train wheel, or label it whatever you want. You can try to manage it for a period of time, but in the end it's still a pile of twisted metal and unrecognizable destruction with the only caveat being your own ability to jump off before explosion.

Dating these people is playing with fire, and the fire is your soul.

What you are describing here is powerplaying in order to lever you to provide what she wants. Much the same as you might play off one contractor against another to get the best deal done when you want some work done. This is not triangulation. It is  "V"(only two sides of the trianfgle

Triangulation is a dynamic whereby 2 people who otherwise have no issues with each other are played off as rescuer and persecutor, often having the roles switched so that these two people start to have issues between them that have been stirred up via distorted truths passed through the central "victim". . eg the way kids can do this to parents to the degree the parents start warring with each other. It is a closed 3 sided triangle.

If she decides despite all her attempts to get what she wants from you, she needs to find it elsewhere, then your boundary is that you wont expose yourself to this type of situation. She will either have to comply or you walk. pwBPD will test your boundaries for sure, they simply wont take demands or threats on face value.

How do you protect yourself from being left or cheated on? By clearly stating your boundaries and taking control of the consequencies. You cant stop either of these happening but you can stop yourself living under the threat or fear of it.

There is another common turning point members have often reported that you may want to think about:

"Things wont improve until you are a prepared to let go if need be".

This is the point where you have discovered your own self worth and have put a value on it, this is the begining of empowerment

Great stuff. Thank you. I always had the sense she would say things to purposely make me jealous. I found too, there were certain times that she would reveal the truth. I have a very good memory and I retain things (thank god) Early on after one such incident she said "I think it's cute you got a little jealous about me saying this about so and so" It was indication A) she did so. B) she obviously had awareness that this dynamic was at play C) she saw the slightest cues in me to recognize it. D) The fact that she did not misinterpret this as anger, or I had a bad day, or I was mad at her about something else and instead accurately remarked that she read jealousy indicates to me the reaction was provoked, and mentioned when the response was given.

She would say things though sometimes (usually when things were great) that I read as trying to get me to think I'm not up to par when mentioning someone else and this or that. I know her ex (who left her and is a good guy) wants nothing to do with her and is stoic in his transactional approach to communicating because they have a child. He is NO threat. He is a guy much like me but farther along trying to pick up his life. I used to sometimes let her believe whatever she said about him made me jealous without going overboard and verbally showing it. I did this because I knew he wasn't a threat and I felt that if I gave her, her fix it may as well be one that's harmless. The fact I was dating someone who I had to basically play mind games of chess tic for tac in order to avoid being made to feel inadequate is revolting enough in itself but writing it out on here makes me realize how thick into this situation I really was.

Why do they do this?

[waverider]

Why do they do this?

Immature emotional management. Jealousy is a sign that they are popular/wanted, they find it validating. It is to a degree wired into females in nature throughout the animal kingdom. Competition for "breeding rights" ensures strongest genes are passed on. Young girls often (not always) display this behavior (there is many a young boy who has been on the end of this) deliberately using male jealousy as an attractant. Most grow out this.

pwBPD have simply magnified this to a destructive level.

It is a trait that has driven males mad for as long as there has been life on this planet.