Replacement in the form of pwBPD's own husband?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi, I'm a new member here; I just posted some of my story on the intro board.

I was "best friends" with an upwBPD. I don't think that she replaced me with another friend once she devalued and discarded me. I think she split her husband white instead. Has anyone had that happen? During my friendship with her, I was confused because she would sometimes tell me her husband was evil and that she hated him with every fiber of her being, and then other times she would say he was a good man but just weak and not the brilliant sort of man she ought to have married. To me he seemed like a decent enough guy, but she told me he was a fake and liar, so I thought she must know better. Looking back, I realized that should have been a red flag to me. It is not normal to have such wildly vacillating feelings about a person.

Anyway... .her moral beliefs are such that she won't cheat on her husband. Instead she has had a steady string of intense friendships with other women over years, most of which have faded or ended abruptly. So I'm wondering, would a religious/strongly moral BPD cheat in the form of emotional "affairs" with friends of the same gender? Because it really seemed like, when she was devaluing and discarding me, she was having a revival of affection toward her husband. I was very confused because it didn't match up with what she had told me about how she felt about him. She was suddenly very defensive about him and began to speak more highly of him than I had ever heard her do before.

It was all so completely bizarre... .I am absolutely sure, though, that even if she did split him white, it didn't last. No doubt they are back to having the same hellish quarrels they've always had.

[PuzzlePieces]

Hi, I'm a new member here; I just posted some of my story on the intro board.

I was "best friends" with an upwBPD. I don't think that she replaced me with another friend once she devalued and discarded me. I think she split her husband white instead. Has anyone had that happen? During my friendship with her, I was confused because she would sometimes tell me her husband was evil and that she hated him with every fiber of her being, and then other times she would say he was a good man but just weak and not the brilliant sort of man she ought to have married. To me he seemed like a decent enough guy, but she told me he was a fake and liar, so I thought she must know better. Looking back, I realized that should have been a red flag to me. It is not normal to have such wildly vacillating feelings about a person.

Anyway... .her moral beliefs are such that she won't cheat on her husband. Instead she has had a steady string of intense friendships with other women over years, most of which have faded or ended abruptly. So I'm wondering, would a religious/strongly moral BPD cheat in the form of emotional "affairs" with friends of the same gender? Because it really seemed like, when she was devaluing and discarding me, she was having a revival of affection toward her husband. I was very confused because it didn't match up with what she had told me about how she felt about him. She was suddenly very defensive about him and began to speak more highly of him than I had ever heard her do before.

It was all so completely bizarre... .I am absolutely sure, though, that even if she did split him white, it didn't last. No doubt they are back to having the same hellish quarrels they've always had.

[PuzzlePieces]

Oh, I forgot to add that she told me that even though we obviously weren't romantic partners, I could supply so much for her that her husband never could. I fulfilled her in so many ways, she didn't know how she lived before me, I reminded her so much of her long lost love (i.e., an old ex boyfriend she had treated badly and dumped), etc. etc. That's why it was so stunning when she turned on me suddenly and got close to her husband.

[SickofMe]

I don't think they can handle being alone, and will recycle whatever's available in the moment if they're busy dumping someone.

I don't know for sure, but it sounds to me like this woman has sexual orientation issues.  I wonder if that's more why she hasn't cheated (with a man) than her morals.  Could be wrong, but those things she said don't sound like a friendship, more like an emotional affair.

[PuzzlePieces]

I would not be surprised if she has sexual orientation issues. She told me that growing up she wished she were a male and didn't know how to relate to other females as friends. She said becoming a mother finally made her feel glad to be female. She also told me that she could see herself experimenting with sex with other women at some point in her life even though she is strongly attracted to men.

[Rise]

PuzzlePieces,

You aren't the only person on these boards who's described a friendship and circumstances like yours. There's not really a huge difference between very close romantic relationships and really close friendships. And when a person with BPD is searching for an emotional fix, it very rarely matters who they get it from. Often they seek it in romantic or sexual partners, but it could just as easily be a friend, or a family member.

You may want to look up the term triangulation. I think it may explain a bit of your situation. Basically, the idea of triangulation is that your friend takes on the role of victim, and casts you as her savior and her husband as the villain. Other than her being the victim, these roles aren't set. Literally anyone can be cast at any time, into any role, depending on circumstances. Friends, husbands, wives, friends, even sons or daughters can be either the savior or the villain. Just a guess but it seems like you and her husband simply traded roles.

Best luck,

Rise