How I have changed in the past year.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Disclaimer first - please don't read this thinking things are happy and perfect now.  They aren't.  They are just better, and I see positive changes in me over the past year.

A year ago if she had an outburst, I would be confused and down for weeks afterwards.  I'd question myself, frantically think of ways to try and fix her, feel depressed, hurt, and resentful. 

Today - I am much better at taking things for what they are.  Yeah, her angry words still sting a ton.  But a day or two later, most of the resentment and hurt is gone and I can function and have fun again. 

The difference?  I have accepted and understood BPD for what it is.  I understand that it isn't about me, at all.  I understand that she is going to be who she is.  I understand I can't change her or fix her.  When she rages, I get out of the way.  Rather that worry about potential future situations, I do my best to tell myself that I need to handle the moment when and if it comes.  Threaten suicide?  Call the police.  Abusive?  Get out of the house.  The other night I spent 100 bucks for a hotel room.  Worth it in order to get some sleep. 

Like I said, things are far from perfect.  But I am living with much less fear.  I used to fear not being able to handle certain situations.  But in reality, that anxiety is my biggest fear.  Validation helps.  Building good outside relationships helps.  Techniques like SET help.  But none of them solve the problem, and I think it is important to not expect the lessons to solve the problem.  The techniques only help us to manage the problem better, to give us some space and confidence that things aren't completely out of control.

[maxsterling]

Disclaimer first - please don't read this thinking things are happy and perfect now.  They aren't.  They are just better, and I see positive changes in me over the past year.

A year ago if she had an outburst, I would be confused and down for weeks afterwards.  I'd question myself, frantically think of ways to try and fix her, feel depressed, hurt, and resentful. 

Today - I am much better at taking things for what they are.  Yeah, her angry words still sting a ton.  But a day or two later, most of the resentment and hurt is gone and I can function and have fun again. 

The difference?  I have accepted and understood BPD for what it is.  I understand that it isn't about me, at all.  I understand that she is going to be who she is.  I understand I can't change her or fix her.  When she rages, I get out of the way.  Rather that worry about potential future situations, I do my best to tell myself that I need to handle the moment when and if it comes.  Threaten suicide?  Call the police.  Abusive?  Get out of the house.  The other night I spent 100 bucks for a hotel room.  Worth it in order to get some sleep. 

Like I said, things are far from perfect.  But I am living with much less fear.  I used to fear not being able to handle certain situations.  But in reality, that anxiety is my biggest fear.  Validation helps.  Building good outside relationships helps.  Techniques like SET help.  But none of them solve the problem, and I think it is important to not expect the lessons to solve the problem.  The techniques only help us to manage the problem better, to give us some space and confidence that things aren't completely out of control.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[itgirl]

clap clap.   

I have seen been following your story and yes you are brave and working things out.  I can try the lessons till I'm blue, my problem is ME.  I just cant help to REACT.  and that steps right in the trap.

good luck with your fiancé.  Keep up the positive thinking.

[maxsterling]

I just cant help to REACT.  and that steps right in the trap.

I already come from a personality that would rather leave a situation than engage.  So that probably makes it easier for me.  I think it is very important not to get defensive when they get enraged, but sometimes hard not to do.  Monday was a great example.  I let her rant until I could leave, get a hotel room, and turn off my phone, while her dad kept defending himself - even into the next day.  Her dad defending himself clearly made the problem worse, and clearly left him more hurt. 

Reality?  Monday night was probably the scariest moment of my life.  Yet I am proud of myself for doing what I had to do.  And yesterday - I had a great day...  

[Inquisitive1]

Good on you Max improving you ability to cope with a difficult situation. I've found your threads and posts very helpful, Thanks.

I'm starting to really understand that idea that the "techniques only help us to manage the problem better", they don't make the problem go away. A sobering thought, but important to get your head wrapped around.

[ydrys017]

... .if she had an outburst, I would be confused and down for weeks afterwards.  I'd question myself, frantically think of ways to try and fix her, feel depressed, hurt, and resentful. 

Today - I am much better at taking things for what they are.  Yeah, her angry words still sting a ton.  But a day or two later, most of the resentment and hurt is gone and I can function and have fun again. 

The difference?  I have accepted and understood BPD for what it is.  I understand that it isn't about me, at all.  I understand that she is going to be who she is.  I understand I can't change her or fix her.  When she rages, I get out of the way.  Rather that worry about potential future situations, I do my best to tell myself that I need to handle the moment when and if it comes.  Threaten suicide?  Call the police.  Abusive?  Get out of the house.  The other night I spent 100 bucks for a hotel room.  Worth it in order to get some sleep. 

Like I said, things are far from perfect.  But I am living with much less fear.  I used to fear not being able to handle certain situations.  But in reality, that anxiety is my biggest fear.  Validation helps.  Building good outside relationships helps.  Techniques like SET help.  But none of them solve the problem, and I think it is important to not expect the lessons to solve the problem.  The techniques only help us to manage the problem better, to give us some space and confidence that things aren't completely out of control.

This is my aspiration!  I too am far more prone to disengage and avoid conflict, and now that I have 'back pocket strategies', I'm not as fearful... .  It's liberating, eh?   

[nightmoves]

Max... .I applaud all your HARD work on all of this... .I REALLY do.

And - I am aware that you love this woman.

I have enormous empathy for all of that and you.

So don't take this the wrong way... .and all the posters... .don't go on the attack... .;-)

Max... .the thing I keep having RESONATE in my head is... .

YOU ARE NOT YET MARRIED... .

Max... .ALL this happening... .including the latest Suicide threats/police/hotel rooms/etc... .

And ... .YOU ARE NOT EVEN MARRIED YET.

Max... .i so appreciate you - like SO many of us... .doing your VERY best to work with this BPD chaos.

BUT... .SO many of us ... .had the chaos come at us AFTER marriage... kids... .life... .

Max... .please... .do you please tell me you KNOW that this will continue after marriage and perhaps your whole married life... .correct?

Again... .I am so sorry to even write this... .but am even MORE sorry if I did not.

I was once... .a VERY VERY long time ago... .with someone who in retrospect was certainly BPD. (but wrote it off to just STUFF to deal with)

Well ... .had a LOT to deal with.

In the throes of trying desperately to make it work... .I had someone say to me... ."ok... .lets add a bunch more onto this stuff of hers theoretically... .now... .do you STILL want to be with her?"

My answer was... ."of course... I love her"... .

The person gave me a look that I still to this day clearly recall.

It was both astonishment... .AND... .recognition... .that I was part of the problem in my own right for being willing to do that... .

I remember that I had NO idea why the look back then.

I DO now.

BTW... .I ended up NOT marrying that person as some little shred inside me had just enough voice... .to resist. (and we were planning the wedding)

I say all this ... .NOT ... .advocating that you not get married.You are going to do whatever you want.

I am though asking you to examine IF there is any shreds trying to speak to you inside. If there is... .pay attention... at least enough to figure out why... .

[Grey Kitty]

  Way to go, max!

You are right--all your changes won't fix anything for her.

She will make her own choice to work on her issues... .or not.

You can, however, give her a better environment to work on her own issues, and that is exactly what you are doing. You are reducing the chaos and fights (just by not fighting). By supporting her, instead of enabling her, you are giving her a chance to see the areas where she has things to work on.

Trust me... .everything you are learning here will serve you well interacting with a world full of people, whatever happens to your r/s in the future.