Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 09:47:44 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
Pages: 1 [2]  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: She now has put an ultimatum in front of me.  (Read 859 times)
itgirl
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: 4 years living together
Posts: 195



« Reply #30 on: November 06, 2014, 11:00:06 AM »

Sounds True Deepening Intimacy

Creating A Truly Mutual Relationship with Dr. Stan Tatkin

#2 Interview in the series.  It’s free.

www.live.soundstrue.com/deepeningintimacy/player.php?media_id=2sts1&sa=1&ptype=media_link_watch

Thank you for the above video link.  I watched it and I really enjoyed that.  I will show my partner this once the dust has settled. 
Logged

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Grey Kitty
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #31 on: November 06, 2014, 02:20:01 PM »

MaybeSo you have really hit a chord here.  It must be super weird that I cut ties with other friends except this one friend. I would be very suspicious if it were the other way around. 

I think that is wise, upon reflection.

I'm also going to suggest you try working against the suspicion by turning the situation upside down.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Take back the other friendships you gave up for her. You dropped them because of your SO's objections. Those objections will of course return, so you have to be strong in the face of it. Once you get used to it, it will feel good for you. Your SO will probably get used to it too, eventually.

And then you will have a fuller, better life for yourself. And perhaps even an easier go at reclaiming time with this friend then... .when it isn't quite so "special."
Logged
MaybeSo
Distinguished Member
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Together five years, ended suddenly June 2011
Posts: 3680


Players only love you when they're playing...


« Reply #32 on: November 06, 2014, 04:58:08 PM »

Excerpt
Update on things.  My partner did move out eventually.  And you guessed it.  She still sleeps every night in my bed.  Last night she admitted she made a mistake by moving out.  So now we paying two households.   huh

these are the days of our lives  grin

Been there. Done that.
Logged

itgirl
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: 4 years living together
Posts: 195



« Reply #33 on: December 04, 2014, 12:51:21 PM »

Well let the following be a lesson to all the new people on this board.  Never budge on your boundaries as it doesn't work. 

So I eventually against everyone's advice buckled under the pressure and didn't keep my boundary.  I agreed to have no more contact with my best friend of 20 years.  It ended up me telling my friend two days after her 7 hour operation (double mastectomy) that we can no longer be friends. 

It was very traumatic for me.  But I thought it would save my relationship.  My partner was so happy when I told her I cut my friend off.  Happy for about 6 hours.  the next day she stayed but it wasn't the re-action I was hoping for.  My family supported me.  Even my poor friend understood.  Now after about a month of no contact my partner decided that was not enough.  I now have to write a letter to my friend and explain it all again so it is proof to her that it is over.  the fact that I haven't had contact with my friend counts for nothing.  She said in her own words. "you have done nothing".

At first I was hesitant about the letter.  I told my BPDgf that I would write it but it would be a letter to my friend and not FOR my pwBPD.  She doesn't see it that way.  It must be harsh and evil.  I fail to see why open the door to communication when my friend already understood and complied. 

The point I am trying to make or rather what I now know is that the goal post will always move.  It will never be enough.  Now two weeks before our holiday she has truly left me.  And I am bewildered to think what more I could have done.

This disorder is very sad.  And I feel sorry for her.  I would eventually move on but she will never see how I did ALL I could to love her and be enough for her.

So what now?  Do I pursue this troubled relationship.  Write the letter and hope my partner would come around? 

I am at a loss... .
Logged

Grey Kitty
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #34 on: December 04, 2014, 01:14:24 PM »

Your words were that you went against everybody's advice and buckled under the pressure. I think you got a mix of advice, acknowledging that you *did* have a very difficult choice. Sometimes you have to learn what is important to yourself by doing it the "wrong" way first. I know I've learned most of my tough lessons that way. Remember--you can change your mind even if you did make a promise.

You've got options. One is trying to write the letter. I think you know what will come of that.

Here's another option you may not have thought about:Tell your partner something like this:

Excerpt
I ___ed up when I promised to cut contact with my friend, [name]. I thought it would make you happy, so I acted against my own values, and abandoned a dear friend at a time when she needed support.

I still want to make you happy. This is too high a price to pay. I hope you will stay with me even though I cannot do this for you anymore.

Think about it. Those aren't your words, so work out what it would be in your words. Think about whether you want to say something different or offer something different.

Then think about how you would feel about doing this. (And presumably getting back in touch with your friend and apologizing.)

Let me be clear--I'm NOT recommending that you go out and DO this right now. Just think about it and how you would feel, how you would handle your partner's sure-to-be-bad reaction.

You don't have any 'easy' choices in this matter. Anything you do will be difficult. Anything you do runs a good chance of hurting at least one of yourself, your partner, or your friend.

 GK
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: 1 [2]  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!