Is it OK to let her think it's me?

[jedimaster]

Hi, I tried to search for this topic but there's so much here and I'm new.  If it's been discussed feel free to point me there.  After 33 years of marriage I'm just now discovering that BPD is what's been going on all this time with my wife.  Like many pwBPD (I'm learning to use the acronyms), she insists there's nothing wrong with her and it's all my fault.  I've been in counseling for about 5 months and this week I was "sent" there with instructions to get some meds and/or help with "my" bipolar disorder.  Thankfully I recently found out about BPD, and reading the list of behaviors was certainly an eye opener!  How have I missed all these psychs living in my house watching us argue? 

After talking to my T, he agreed with my assessment of the situation although since he doesn't treat my wife he preferred to stick with the term "tendencies" rather than diagnose her on my say-so.  Fair enough, but he got the idea. 

From all I have read so far, I'm given to understand that it can be counterproductive to tell someone they have or you suspect they have BPD.  I can certainly see that backfiring in my house.  So for the moment I have described my discussion with my T in general terms and am allowing my wife to assume that we are dealing with MY behavioral disorder (I am not using the term BPD) and I am trying to get a handle on MY anger issues, etc, which of course she has determined I have.  I even showed her some DBT handouts, etc, and allowed her to assume they are for me to use in working out my issues.

Given that I don't foresee her owning up to her issues and asking for help any time soon (or ever), is this a wise or safe course to take?  I am trying to be careful not to admit to actually having a disorder, but to couch things in terms of "getting help to improve our marriage," just in case we ever get to the point where she is willing to seek help.  It seems to at least validate to her that I am willing to admit there is a problem between us and I am taking some kind of steps to make things better.  In her view I'm going to "get fixed," while in my view I'm getting some much needed help in coping with her uBPD. 

Has anyone else taken this tack with their spouse and has it worked?  Am I asking for trouble or just doing what I have to do?

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[maxsterling]

Well, she will think it is you (or her family, or her co-workers, or the guy in the drive thru, or the woman walking a dog down the street... .) no matter what you say or do.  That's almost the #1 rule of BPD - it's NEVER their fault.  Immediate reaction is to blame the external. 

But this website will caution you about invalidating the invalid.  And by going along with her delusions that you have a serious mental illness, that is exactly what you are doing.   Going to therapy for yourself is strongly encouraged for anyone dealing with a BPD partner (I do), but you don't have to let her know about what you discuss with your therapist.  You can just tell her that you are working on old issues, trying to be a happier person, etc. 

It's true that you can't force her into therapy.  And that is our frustration - we know therapy could help them, yet they can't see they have a problem that needs a therapist.  I'm lucky in that my fiance actually knows she has major issues.  The problem is, now that she is diagnosed, she uses her diagnoses as an excuse.

I suggest continuing therapy, but know you are going for YOU.  And you can tell her that - that you are going to improve you, not to fix anything between you two.

[jedimaster]

Thanks.  That's kind of the direction I've been going with the conversations, but I wanted some feedback on how far to let things go.  Your response was very helpful.  Good luck with your fiancee, hope it all works out.