19 month old having trouble coping

[Eco]

My daughter seems to be having trouble with the beginning and the end of visitation. At first I thought it was parental alienation by my ex ( still might be) but I think its more of my daughter not understanding why she doesn't see me for days and why I have to leave when I drop her off.

recently when I go to get her at daycare she sometimes scowls at me and starts smacking me on the nose when I pick her up, she stops after a few seconds and goes back to her normal self and hugs me. its almost like she is mad at me and saying " where have you been ?"

today we had a great day together but when I brought her back she seemed angry at me and refused to give me a hug and kiss goodbye ( she has always given me a hug and kiss goodbye) and seemed to be in a daze almost. while I was carrying her to her mom and she saw her mom she started sucking her thumb, something she never does with me but my ex has complained that she has started doing it with her.

Sure I was hurt that she didn't give me a hug and kiss goodbye but im more hurt that this is having such a bad effect on my daughter. when she didn't hug me I hugged and kissed her and told her I loved her. Is there anything I can do to help her through this? I try to get extra time but my ex is very cruel and would rather the daycare get my daughter then let me get a few extra hrs in because " its not your day to get her"

thanks for any advice and support

[momtara]

Sorry to hear it.  How much visitation do you have?

Remember that at that age, they do things like that anyway.  You are probably more sensitive and concerned because of all the changes and you're worrying about how they may affect her, and that's natural.  There may be some effect.  However, some of it may just be daily phases.  There may be things you can tell her, like, even though I' not around as much, I always love you and I will see you again in four days... .but I dunno; I'm not a child psychologist.  Which might be someone to talk to.

My daughter is 2 and she just started a phase of saying "I don't love you!" to me for no reason.  A second later she is hugging me.  She does it for the attention.  There are all these little mannerisms that stop and start before age 3.  It's good that you're watching, but try not to be offended or overthink.  That said, it is good to validate her emotions.  Maybe there is a professional who has more experience in this regard.

Anyway, in a year or two you'll be able to explain the situation more so she understands. Hang in there.

[Swiggle]

At her age I don't think she can fully understand. All you can do is continue to reassure her that you will see her in x days and that you love her very much, that you understand how hard it is. I always tried to prepare mine when they were younger and the transition day was approaching, usually the night before or the morning of. I tried to say things like "don't forget tomorrow you will be going to spend time with daddy but even though you are there I love you and will miss you but the great news is I'll see you in x days. I really believe kids can sense our emotions and reactions. If transition day is hard on you, try to not let her see that. Make it a positive experience so she isn't feeling the stress. And as hard as it might be always, always, always, speak postive of spending time with her mom. Things like "it is so important for you to see mommy too, she loves you and wants to spend time with you". If you notice you daughter not hugging/kissing mom when she is coming to you, encourage her to do so. Say something like "Mommy will miss you, I think you should give her a hug/kiss because it is important. It shows your daughter that you care a caring person to her mom and it models good/healthy behavior for your ex. 

Maybe her not hugging/kissing is her way of coping with the transition. Like if she is angry and ignores you it is easier to let you go for the switch. If she does this in front of mom she could be learning at a young age how to not piss mom off by loving you and showing that the transition is bothersome. You never know mom could be making your daughter feel bad by saying things like "when you hug and kiss daddy goodbye in front of me, it really makes me mad/sad/angry or whatever. I hope that isn't the case but we all know what they are capable of.

If possible can you take her to see a T. I know she is young but she is going to have a lifetime of this and the sooner you can learn ways to help her and she can learn ways, the better off she'll be.

I know it is hard but really try not to take it as she doesn't love you. It is her way of processing something pretty big 

[ForeverDad]

We didn't separate until our son was over 3.5 years old.  In many ways he was daddy's boy despite her efforts to win him over.  Once we separated, he would always come running to me and he was never willing to return, and if he was tired or sleepy he was really fussing and crying not to go.  She would even accuse me "What did you do to him?" when clearly he was crying to stay with me.   It was that way until he was about 6 or 7 and to a lesser extent until he was maybe 9 years old.

One thing I've always noticed is that he would get quiet and even tell me to stop talking on our way to the exchange.  In the early months I really think he was mad at me for taking him back, probably true.  Over time when he just got silent and seemed like he was trying to go to sleep in the car I sensed it was him mentally 'transitioning' in some way to life with mother again.  He's 12 and still does it.  So I believe what you're noticing is the way she transitions between parents.

while I was carrying her to her mom and she saw her mom she started sucking her thumb, something she never does with me but my ex has complained that she has started doing it with her.

It could be a bit of regression, probably stressful to her to go back to her mother?

[Hostage1234]

Hey man how are you I'm going through the same thing when it's her weekend and I get him back he's not the same .when it's my weekend he's so happy all weekend

[Panda39]

Good Book about validating children.  Just an FYI... .

The Power of Validation: Arming Your Child Against Bullying, Peer Pressure, Addiction, Self-Harm, and Out-of-Control Emotions.

by Karyn Hall PhD, Melissa H. Cook LPC

[Turkish]

This can be new territory for many of us with kids this small. My r/s started breaking down when our D was a little younger than yours. She's 2.5 now and D2 still acts like this. Last Friday, their mom's day, S4 had a field trip. I took the day off to take him. Siblings were welcome, so I took D2 as well. I work full time, but they had spent the previous 2 days with me per the stipulation. I dropped them off at their grandma's around 2, spent another half hour with them, then left because it was their mom's weekend. S4 was fine, but D2 was mad at me because I was leaving. I told her mommy would pick her up and she said, "noo!" She didn't even want to hug or kiss me goodbye. She was definitely mad, and this was her way of showing it.

The next morning, their mom called me. She said our daughter grabbed her phone and said, "call daddy!" She also told me that D2 was irritable, and had trouble getting to sleep. This isn't the first time. Months ago (their mom moved out in Feb when our daughter was still 1), my ex told me, "I have trouble when I get them back from you until they settle." I have no such trouble.

So I think that at this tender age that this behavior is probably normal. That the other parent is BPD or has strong BPD traits is of course worrisome, but kids at this age are still learning to manage their emotions. BPD aside, seperation s tgh on kids, especially at this tender stage of attachment.

[Swiggle]

This can be new territory for many of us with kids this small. My r/s started breaking down when our D was a little younger than yours. She's 2.5 now and D2 still acts like this. Last Friday, their mom's day, S4 had a field trip. I took the day off to take him. Siblings were welcome, so I took D2 as well. I work full time, but they had spent the previous 2 days with me per the stipulation. I dropped them off at their grandma's around 2, spent another half hour with them, then left because it was their mom's weekend. S4 was fine, but D2 was mad at me because I was leaving. I told her mommy would pick her up and she said, "noo!" She didn't even want to hug or kiss me goodbye. She was definitely mad, and this was her way of showing it.

The next morning, their mom called me. She said our daughter grabbed her phone and said, "call daddy!" She also told me that D2 was irritable, and had trouble getting to sleep. This isn't the first time. Months ago (their mom moved out in Feb when our daughter was still 1), my ex told me, "I have trouble when I get them back from you until they settle." I have no such trouble.

So I think that at this tender age that this behavior is probably normal. That the other parent is BPD or has strong BPD traits is of course worrisome, but kids at this age are still learning to manage their emotions. BPD aside, seperation s tgh on kids, especially at this tender stage of attachment.

This was very difficult with me for both my kids and my step kids.

There is a noticable differnece when my kids come home from their Dad's house. Some of it is that rules in our homes is very different, in my home DSalmost 7 has a bedtime on school nights by 830 and mostly 9 on weekends unless it is a special occassion and he might stay up until 10 (very rare). DD11 has a bedtime of 9 on school nights and 10 on weekends with same circumstances as DS. At Dad's they are both up until 10 somtimes on school nights and I think the weekend is a free for all with bedtime. This lack of sleep at dad's plays into the other issues but just teh transition back adn forth of preparing to have to be with dad. They both feel that dad doesn't love them and that his GF means more to him than they do. He is also really inappropriate with his GF even when the kids are around. Like feeling her up, putting his hand in her pants and GF does the same to him. The kids can't stand it and have talked to dad about it alone and with their T. T finally said it is time we work with the kids on dealing with it becasue dad isn't going to change, he doesn't see anything wrong with their behavior. In the beginning when things would happen at dads and the kids would come to me and maybe act out or whatever I would bring it up to him. His response was always "well I don't have those issues with their behavior thye must not like coming to your house, becasue they are perfectly happy when they are with me". I stopped even approaching things with him, it gave him less opportunity to respond and feel that the kids liked being with him more than me. Then if the kids were angry after a day or so back at dads, becasue they were having to deal with his crap again, he would call and accuse me of doing something to them becasue they were acting whatever way. It was torture for me, I just had to learn to be confident in my parenting, tell myself that it was becasue of dad's behavior that the kids were upset, not engage him or talk about those things with him and to not take, the kids behavior or his negative comments, personally. Easier said than done, I know.


Same sorts of issues ring true with my DH's uBPDex. My SD12 not so much anymore but my SS7 has major transition issues, poor little guy doesn't know up from down most of the time. There are times that things are better and I assume it is when his mother is being a good boss of herself and keeping her negativity to a minimum.

[Eco]

Thanks for all the reply's and input its greatly appreciated.

How much visitation do you have?

right now im in phase 2 which is every Tuesday and Thursday from 4 pm to 6 pm and sat at 2 pm to sun at 6pm every other weekend. in January it moves to every wed from 3pm to 5 pm and every other weekend fri at 6pm to sun at 6pm.

It's good that you're watching, but try not to be offended or overthink.  That said, it is good to validate her emotions.  Maybe there is a professional who has more experience in this regard.

At first I was very worried but now I try to remain calm and think more of how she is feeling. my main worry is that my ex would turn her against me but I think if I just stay consistent and keep doing what ive been doing since she was born we will stay close.

when we go back to court if I don't get primary custody I want to get the judge to allow me to put my daughter in counseling. my ex is afraid of putting her kids in counseling because the truth might come out, her oldest daughter ( 9) is in desperate need of it because she cant speak directly to adults without whispering and usually she will whisper in her moms ear if you ask her a question. In time I was able to have a good relationship with her 9 yr old daughter, we could have normal conversations and she trusted me and she would come to my defense when her mom was raging at me by saying " stop yelling at him" her other daughter ( 4) is a emotional mess as well so I can see what effects my ex has had on them and I fear that for my daughter. the deference is the other 2 dads aren't as involved as I am with their kids and that really angers my ex that im that way.

Maybe her not hugging/kissing is her way of coping with the transition. Like if she is angry and ignores you it is easier to let you go for the switch.

that was my thoughts exactly

If she does this in front of mom she could be learning at a young age how to not piss mom off by loving you and showing that the transition is bothersome. You never know mom could be making your daughter feel bad by saying things like "when you hug and kiss daddy goodbye in front of me, it really makes me mad/sad/angry or whatever. I hope that isn't the case but we all know what they are capable of.

I thought of that as well, my daughter will sometimes blow you a kiss goodbye but last week when I dropped her off she started to and then looked at my ex and stopped. made me think

I know it is hard but really try not to take it as she doesn't love you. It is her way of processing something pretty big  Empathy

I try not to now and try to focus on how my daughter is feeling

One thing I've always noticed is that he would get quiet and even tell me to stop talking on our way to the exchange.  In the early months I really think he was mad at me for taking him back, probably true.  Over time when he just got silent and seemed like he was trying to go to sleep in the car I sensed it was him mentally 'transitioning' in some way to life with mother again.  He's 12 and still does it.  So I believe what you're noticing is the way she transitions between parents

Im sure that's whats going on with my daughter, its a night and day deference between me and my ex, Im laid back, calm, no anger or screaming and no chaos or drama while my ex is chaotic, thrives on drama and conflict and has violent outbursts that include screaming and foul language and you never know when she could have a episode a true jeckle and hyde  with hyde being out the majority. 2 different worlds for my daughter so it has to be very confusing on which is the right way to be.

It could be a bit of regression, probably stressful to her to go back to her mother?

 

im sure, it is extremely stressful being around my ex. my stomach still gets in knots when I have to deal with her, its like going into battle over the smallest of things. I swear I have some ptsd from her

Good Book about validating children.  Just an FYI... .

The Power of Validation: Arming Your Child Against Bullying, Peer Pressure, Addiction, Self-Harm, and Out-of-Control Emotions.

by Karyn Hall PhD, Melissa H. Cook LPC

thanks I will check that out

This can be new territory for many of us with kids this small. My r/s started breaking down when our D was a little younger than yours. She's 2.5 now and D2 still acts like this. Last Friday, their mom's day, S4 had a field trip. I took the day off to take him. Siblings were welcome, so I took D2 as well. I work full time, but they had spent the previous 2 days with me per the stipulation. I dropped them off at their grandma's around 2, spent another half hour with them, then left because it was their mom's weekend. S4 was fine, but D2 was mad at me because I was leaving. I told her mommy would pick her up and she said, "noo!" She didn't even want to hug or kiss me goodbye. She was definitely mad, and this was her way of showing it.

The next morning, their mom called me. She said our daughter grabbed her phone and said, "call daddy!" She also told me that D2 was irritable, and had trouble getting to sleep. This isn't the first time. Months ago (their mom moved out in Feb when our daughter was still 1), my ex told me, "I have trouble when I get them back from you until they settle." I have no such trouble.

So I think that at this tender age that this behavior is probably normal. That the other parent is BPD or has strong BPD traits is of course worrisome, but kids at this age are still learning to manage their emotions. BPD aside, seperation s tgh on kids, especially at this tender stage of attachment.

its awful what the kids have to go through

Same sorts of issues ring true with my DH's uBPDex. My SD12 not so much anymore but my SS7 has major transition issues, poor little guy doesn't know up from down most of the time. There are times that things are better and I assume it is when his mother is being a good boss of herself and keeping her negativity to a minimum.

I definitely see that with my daughter, I can always tell when my ex is having one of her episodes just by looking at my daughter. she is a lot happier and responsive when my ex isn't on a rampage