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Author Topic: Trust as a negative number  (Read 358 times)
JohnLove
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 571



« on: October 24, 2014, 03:50:32 PM »

Earlier this year my BPDgf was found having a long emotional affair with her stepbrother.

That caused a catastrophic blow up between us that lasted days, the circumstances around that, and the emotional cost to me was huge and ended with us in her T's office. That was eventually resolved by her agreeing to cut ties with this stepbrother (who REALLY only had incestuous ideas). T said when shown evidence "it appears that he is grooming you for sex"... .she was like "Wha?... .I didn't see him that way". Trust was demolished. Almost completely. It wasn't good. I made it quite clear to her we were now in a relationship without trust. She just seemed to accept that... .?. I, on the other hand, was nervous.

Fast forward to a couple of nights ago when something must have triggered her and she said she wanted me to trust her. She said it was really bugging her that I didnt trust her. Fully. Just like that. No earning trust. No fully opening yourself up. No transparency. Just stark raving mad "trust". I didn't get into how we could rebuild this trust when... .

BAM!. She is having a big problem at work. Some of the staff have begun to be very abusive. I accompany her to her job placement provider for support and assistance in articulating this very difficult matter.

Next thing. I find myself being asked to leave the meeting. I had never laid eyes on this woman before. She said she feels uncomfortable with me in the room. What?. I left but not before I overheard (out of sight) the woman say to my BPDgf "He's a real c*&t isn't he?" to which my BPDgf replied something to the effect that she would be in trouble now. I didn't do anything. Literally, I didn't do anything. My BPDgf acted to this woman like I was an abuser or abusive or had said something to her on another occasion... .or something?.

We broke up yesterday. She did it. Because I called her out on her abuse at the meeting.

(She told me for years she loves me so completely and wants to spend the rest of her life with me).

When I overheard that extremely offensive remark about me to my BPDgf this caused my blood to boil instantly. When I heard my BPDgf interact like that in a completely innappropriate way. She did not have my back. Why this woman thought she could give opinions or relationship advice, I do not know?.

Problem is we had almost zero trust before... .and now after this... I think she is playing the victim or something... .actively roping people in, and causing trouble, or triangulation... .how can trust be expressed as a negative number?.

What the heck is going on?. I need help processing this very important lesson. I'm still not quite confident that I've got it... .
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formflier
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



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« Reply #1 on: October 24, 2014, 07:17:20 PM »

 

johnlove,

Their feelings tend to drive their reality... .they will overlook facts... .

So... .when she feels like you should trust her... ."facts" that would indicate otherwise... .get ignored...

It's good that you are in touch with what makes your blood boil and your emotions.  Once you are aware... .now you and develop strategies to better deal with those emotions.

Hang in there man... .times of self reflection like this can be tough... .in the long run... they can be rewarding... .when you look back on them and can see personal growth as a result.  Seeing that now is pretty much impossible.

 
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