Anyone Else Have Problems w/ Assertiveness? Advice Please?

[jmanvo2015]

Please feel free to be brutally honest with me on this - even if you think it may be tough for me to hear because I'm really struggling with assertiveness and boundaries right now.

Does anyone else struggle with being assertive as the result of being raised by a BPD parent?  How have you dealt with this?  What have you done to improve your assertiveness and ability to get your own needs met in relationships, both personal and professional?

I was never able to express to my uBPD mother that her behavior hurt me because she always denied it, told me I was crazy, told me I was the problem.  She turned it back on me and would rage at me.  So, I learned to be afraid to be assertive.

Now, I find that I seem to attract people like my mother.  Recently, a work colleague did something I thought was wrong. I pulled away from him because it seemed like he was being very manipulative with many people and that made me nervous.  So, I said to him in an email very, very gently, "I heard that you made a promise to Jane and then you didn't follow through.  :)id I hear wrong?"  It was that gentle, but his response was, in essence, a rage back at me.  It was a disproportionate response and I felt attacked.  Suddenly, I felt like I was dealing with my mother all over again.  He wrote back that he was going to "quit" and was "tired of doing things for other people and getting this kind of return" etc, etc.  It was my mother all over again.  Instead of taking responsibility he totally turned it around.  

Also, he was a married man, but had hit on me and I had gently turned him down, but when I saw his response, I realized that I think he had deeper feelings for me than I understood.  I seem to have really upset and offended him and ruined our friendship.  OK, so now I guess this is a boundary issue, right?  I got too close to him and since I'm just learning about setting boundaries I didn't even realize it until it was too late.

Now, I'm in a situation with a colleague who took an idea of mine and presented it as her own.  This and other things prompted me to resign from a board position that I actually really wanted to do.  I was so angry at first and then hurt and then angry again.  I blocked her from my Facebook page, but kept her on LinkedIn. I have been grizzuring over whether or not to confront her, or to let it die, but if I don't tell her I'm replaying a pattern of mine in not confronting people when they hurt me and then running away or cutting them off (definitely a behavior I learned from my uBPDm).  But often, I genuinely feel like I'm giving too much and then being taken advantage of.  But why do I feel the need to give so much and to help so much and other people seem so much better able to take care of themselves instead of others?  I am really grappling with this behavior pattern right now.

I drafted this email, which I haven't sent.  I sure could use some feedback and advice on this particular situation and just generally being more assertive.   Please let me know if you think I should send it?  I am wondering it it sounds too childish? Perhaps I should just let it go?  I don't know.  Very confused!   

Dear K,

I wanted you to know that I was disappointed at our last board meeting that you didn't involve me in the classical music event, or mention it was my suggestion.  I’ve noticed things like this a few times.  It's not that I'm looking for "credit," but I believe in colleagues empowering and championing one another’s ideas and accomplishments, and I’ve done that for you. Perhaps I'm being over-sensitive, but I told you this performance was one of my favorites.  

It’s offputting because I’ve given you my full support and have freely provided tools and advice to help you succeed – an email list for fundraising, advice on donor databases, training on Wordpress, reviewing emails and grant applications. I've introduced you to people, including Jane Doe, who I learned invited you to be an arts commissioner for the City.  I connected you with my friend Kay and even sent a fundraising appeal to my list.  Frankly, now, I kinda feel like a chump ….

Did I inadvertently do something to make you feel threatened, or that I wasn’t supporting you?  I’m an idea person and I’ve been doing this work for 23 years, so the ideas come quickly and it’s never my intention to “show” anyone up.  Any successes I’ve had, were always preceded by lots of rejections, failures and hard work, but I’ve always shared freely with those around me.  Right now, if I promote myself or my business, it’s because not only do I need to support myself, but I’m likely going to need to give financial assistance to my family.

I’m not interested in undermining your success, and when I have a problem with someone, I tell them directly, so this can stay between us.  This isn’t the primary reason I left the board, but whether or not it was intentional, you’ve left me wondering if we were really ever on the same team.

Sincerely,

[pessim-optimist]

Hello jmanvo2015,

You are definitely not alone in your struggles regarding assertiveness and boundaries. Those are some of the main issues (among others) that people who grew up with BPD or NPD parents struggle with.

And it's tough, feeling like people around us know and have the skills they need and we are just feeling our way through the dark... .

I have noticed that I had the tendency to give-in too much and then over-do it in the assertiveness department when it all became too much. The trick is to find the right balance, the right boundaries/assertiveness level from the start.

For me that meant to be more assertive/upfront sooner, but in a more gentle and more sophisticated manner.

Also, learning about boundaries in general helped me tremendously. This is probably the best book I have read on the topic: Boundaries

I am really sorry for what has happened to you with the lady that took your idea and used it as hers... .Are you still working with her in some manner even after you have resigned?

What is your goal in sending this letter?

[jmanvo2015]

And it's tough, feeling like people around us know and have the skills they need and we are just feeling our way through the dark... .

I am really sorry for what has happened to you with the lady that took your idea and used it as hers... .Are you still working with her in some manner even after you have resigned?

What is your goal in sending this letter?

Hi pessim-optimist,

Thank you SO much for responding.  You just hit the nail on the head.  I am totally in the dark when it comes to assertiveness.  After I sat on this letter, I realized how foolish it would be to send it. There's nothing to gain. I am still involved with the organization as a member, and I will see her at networking events because it's a small business community here where I live and everyone knows everyone, so I didn't want her to badmouth me.  My original goal was just so she'd know why I removed her from Facebook (really immature on my part, I know, but also she was seeing everything I do and since she's super competitive I didn't want to give her any more good ideas!) I can't blame someone else for me setting myself up like a bowling pin.  She was smart enough to see what she could get and she took it!  Now, I have to learn from this situation.  I read the Boundaries book years ago - perhaps it's time for a re-read.

[pessim-optimist]

My original goal was just so she'd know why I removed her from Facebook (really immature on my part, I know, but also she was seeing everything I do and since she's super competitive I didn't want to give her any more good ideas!) I can't blame someone else for me setting myself up like a bowling pin.  She was smart enough to see what she could get and she took it!  Now, I have to learn from this situation.

The FB - there may have been a more mature way to handle this situation, on the other hand, you felt violated and this was your way of voting with your feet and protecting yourself in the future.

Also, I think that sometimes we tend to sabotage ourselves in that we don't know how to properly protect ourselves and confront another person, so we remove ourselves altogether. It IS better than to stay and continue to endure abuse or have our boundaries continually violated, so that is a good thing. It's a step towards progress.

In the past I used to see situations like this as my failures and it made me feel really bad about myself on top of what happened (not helpful - it plunges our self-esteem/self-worth even further). Yet this is the exact pattern we were taught in our FOOs.

It was liberating for me to really grasp the idea that we learn through our mistakes and failures. NOT in the sense of fearing them and avoiding them, because they are so humiliating and painful, but in the sense of  gained insight on how things can be done better, having the experience and confidence in knowing what works and what doesn't. It is really hard for someone coming from our background to change the outlook towards "failures" as it is connected to so much pain from the past.

Now, if I have a situation like this, I try to look at it as a learning opportunity: and tell myself - ok, this is not the end of the world, there will be more opportunities in the future; now what can I learn from this?

This way, learning and becoming wiser and more mature through experience makes this whole scenario into something positive - if I hadn't gone through this, I would not have gained the wisdom.

So, in this light, try to envision this situation: trying to be more assertive earlier on, and looking at your letter (some really good stuff in there), what do you think would have happened if you confronted this lady either face-to-face, or by a short letter before you resigned?