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Author Topic: Gained some insight talking to my mom  (Read 422 times)
Blimblam
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« on: October 25, 2014, 07:08:23 PM »

My mom has BPD and I don't talk to her too often because she hurt me so many times in the past and I realized she had been lying to me her entire life to manipulate and control me as her love object.  While I do believe she does love me her mind is twisted.

This last conversation she talked to me about all these things she did because she was hurt to hurt other people and how she got reactions out of them. All I could really do was listen and not give advice.

I realize with me ex it's when I started taking an active role in helping her things went to crap. Well not all of a sudden but led there. I suppose it gives me insight into their need to feel in control. It's not easy to be around. Thanks for reading this. I don't know where I'm really going with this.
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jmanvo2015
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« Reply #1 on: October 25, 2014, 08:16:21 PM »

I can relate to this.  I really love my uBPD mother no matter how damaged she is, but I've always held to the belief that no person has ever hurt or abused me as much as she has, so it's really a hard dichotomy.  It's great that you can see connections between your relationship with your mom and your other relationships.  I'm starting to see these patterns too.  In terms of "manipulation and control," I'm right there with you.  I just began to realize about five years ago (and I'm 45) how much my mother lies to me.  A few months back she asked me to sign bank papers because she wanted to "put some money in an account for me."  I questioned this at the time and she got defensive, so I signed the papers.  I learned a few weeks ago that she didn't open an account, but rather took out a 10,000 loans in both of our names.  I haven't confronted her about it because, well, what's the point?  I already know what he reaction will be.  She'll get angry and defensive and then she'll remind me that she's been helping me out financially.  Because of that she feels entitled to do what she did.  I also know that when she sells a condo she's trying to sell she'll pay off the loan and will never ask, or expect, me to pay her back.  In fact, when it comes to money my mother and stepfather have been incredibly generous and I'm very grateful for this and for the fact that they are both responsible people.  However, as you know, that's not really the point.  The point is that the decision involved me and should've been discussed with me, but that will never happen because my mother is completely incapable of relinquishing control and money is one of the tools she uses to keep me dependent on her. I'm trying very hard to break free from this and be financially independent, but I've been "trained" to be dependent on her, so I have to work against a lot of fears and insecurities to establish my independence.  BPDs really get you good!
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Louise7777
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« Reply #2 on: October 25, 2014, 08:40:33 PM »

Blimblam, it caught my attention the "they need to be in control". To me it means having things their way. But thats not related to BPDs only, I have noticed many control freaks who are PAPDs, for example.

What do you think of that? Is this need of control part of the emotional imaturity they display? Its plain selfishness? Why such a need of control?

Im asking because it really annoys me when dealing with them, maybe I have PTSD, I just want to run from them and never look back, Im exhausted! Its tough to deal with toddlers (emotionally speaking) and I have no energy left.
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Harri
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« Reply #3 on: October 25, 2014, 09:30:14 PM »

Hi blimblam!

Excerpt
I don't know where I'm really going with this.

I love posts like this where you don't really know where you are going so you just go.  I find if I just let it go wherever, I end up right where I need to be.  So keep poking.   Smiling (click to insert in post)

I know my mother loved me very much too, but it still hurt and was incredibly messed up.  I think it is good that you can see that.  While suppressing anger is unhealthy, so is denying that we feel love for them as well.  One thing I would often remind myself of is that just because I feel love for someone, it does not mean I need to act on that love.  It helped me to detach and then remain detached.

It is good that you did not try to give your mother advice.  Do you think their resistance is all due to control or perhaps it is combined with the pain and subsequent refusal to see their own self? 

Okay, enough rambling for me!   Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Blimblam
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« Reply #4 on: October 27, 2014, 09:48:33 AM »

Thanks for the responses.

For a long time I avoided my mom because I was afraid of getting hurt. Then when I was vulnerable and wanting to talk about my ex I got this funny feeling and stopped myself. I knew it would be used as leverage against me at some point.

I am now stArting to get into a place to reconnect outside of myself the forums and small circle of people I stay in touch with. It's been hard to to trust issues and people not understanding.

With the circles of people I know I am typically the only one that sees certain things usually while watching a movie or something deep on tv.

Anyways as far as my mom goes she has a level of self awareness as far as what her needs are. She tells me what she needs from me which is nice and when I provide that for her acknowledges and appreciates.

In general I nottice that many people in general want to feel in control they want to be the leader the alpha. They play games for doninanCe or resort to aggression or passive aggression.  I do not see this limited to people with PDs at all but more a part of the human condition and how we relate to others and ourselves.

Essentially while most people have a sense of self I don't think they know who they are. I think it comes down to the same as BPDs which is carpmentalized shame and the avoidance of confronting that shame. The issue I am working on is to stop trying to help people become aware of this. It's a part of my fixer mentality. This sort of hope that when someone projects at me I can share about myself and my perspective and hope they would do the same. But this comes back to control. My need to control the situation by projecting my hope they will see what I am expressing when they display that they are in a fixed positions of judgement. Perhaps I was read the book green eggs and ham too often as a child.

There was a brief period in my teens I got sick of taking people's crap and decided to win the games. This was durring my period of teen rebellion I got good at it really good at it. In high school a lot of people were playing games trying to one up or look cool so my game was to satirize everyone doing this. Anytime someone pulled tier projection oneupmanship game I would turn it into a joke on them often without their knowledge. It was like an inside joke and I could pretty much best anyone at this game. Then I decided that I had become the very thing I didn't like and decided to change.  This is when I met my first BPD ex and she destroyed me.

I remember the thrill of being narcisistic to work a crowd and have everyone laughing. People would comply and fall into line this is what i was trying to show people though that to do that was bullcrap. It corrupted me, the power of it.  and I went very very far in the other direction of looking inward to figure myself out.

A friend of mine and my ex also want me to become a narcisist again because of my humour but the power is intoxicating and I want to find ballance and become whole. I don't want to have to rely on a defense mechanism to control my surroundings. I am tempted though as my trying to seek understanding thing hasn't seemed to work. I know there is another way a way of compassion and being present yet detached. I want to get to that point. Being the part of the fool is fun to satirize and mock people's illusions of grandeur but it goes to the head and avoids my own issues I want to work on.
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Blimblam
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« Reply #5 on: October 27, 2014, 09:59:05 AM »

What I think it comes down to is people want to feel in control of themselves and seek to do this through external means of controlling their environment and creating boundaries but these very same internal boundaries are where our own issues dwell. Our inner shame and pain. It's like Pandora's box we project our demons into the world and our own hope is trapped in this box within but to get to it we would have to face our own demons and shame and experience the pain. It's much easier to project our shame onto the world outside ourself and control it in this manor. PDs just tend to be an extreme case of this. We all do it though to an extent.
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