Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 07:21:52 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
99
Could it be BPD
BPDFamily.com Production
Listening to shame
Brené Brown, PhD
What is BPD?
Blasé Aguirre, MD
What BPD recovery looks like
Documentary
Pages: 1 [2]  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: So what do you do when SET pisses them off  (Read 953 times)
hurthusband
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married (3 years) Together (11 years)
Posts: 616


« Reply #30 on: November 07, 2014, 01:34:01 PM »

ok so this week has been pretty solid considering her mother has been in hospital for surgery that went bad and they trying again today and her father had triple bypass with valve replacement... .

but... here comes the weekend.  Every weekend is a nightmare now.  I literally feel sick and while she wants to die because of her own misery on weekends, I want to die because of the misery she puts me through...

Well here we are... Friday... just got the first salvo... text saying she cannot handle all of this anymore.  no trigger that i am aware of on it.  I am suddenly gripped with fear... i offered to talk to her.  I am starting to have my head swim.  I feel queezy, and paralyzed with fear.  She said she cannot talk to me cause talking to me is like beating her head against a wall.  she obviously is projecting all her anger onto me and my fault for all of this.

I told her i love her and she has been great this week.  I want to work with her, and I am trying to be better.  To keep my problems to myself through this difficult time for her and help her, but i cannot handle another weekend like the past few.  I would rather die.  If she feels this is me and this will happen i will stay in my car this weekend.  I then followed that I am thankful for her hard work and her kindness this week and i love her...

she said she is leaving and i can stay... my hands are shaking... i feel light headed.  my vision is shaking...   I feel like im leaving my own body.  I just want all thought and everything to stop.  I dont to exist... I just want to go and everyone to be happy which wont happen I know.  There is no help out there... I want help though. 

Logged
Grey Kitty
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #31 on: November 07, 2014, 02:10:27 PM »

Oh man... .

Words fail me.

If she does go away, (if just for the weekend) you may find a little peace.

Or at least a safe place to curl up in a little ball and wait for these feelings to pass.

Find as much space as you can, and take the best care of yourself that you can!

 GK
Logged
waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #32 on: November 07, 2014, 04:06:41 PM »

Have you ever considered physical separation?

Since being here you have become increasingly overwhelmed. You may have to pull that safety fuse, as you are not going to protect yourself with subtle tweaking.

You need some substantial respite from all of this. To come home without worrying about what is waiting, and to be able to choose when to engage and when not. This is not going to happen whilst you are under the same roof.

You can't help anyone else if you are struggling to stay afloat yourself.
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #33 on: November 07, 2014, 05:53:39 PM »

You need some substantial respite from all of this. 

You can't help anyone else if you are struggling to stay afloat yourself.

I agree with this bigtime!
Logged

hurthusband
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married (3 years) Together (11 years)
Posts: 616


« Reply #34 on: November 08, 2014, 10:03:20 AM »

well... last night my sister in law went to the hospital to check on her father who was doing much better and moved to a regular room and her mother who had a routine simple 1 hour procedure.  when she got there, she discovered her mother was not in her room.  After a search, she found out her mother was in the ICU and the procedure went horribly wrong.  Her mother is on a babys airtube... they cant explain what went wrong


... just got off phone with wife.  I keep asking about coming down and helping her but she says no.  I do not know what to do.  Just 30 minutes ago she told me to move out.  So does going down there make it worse?

She just got told that her mother has a mass behind her throat and she can never breath again without a air tube or or a trachiatomy.  She can also never eat again.  They also apparantly lost her DNR...

a. How the ___ does nobody get contacted about a woman being moved from routine procedure to ICU?

b. How the ___ do they go in to do a supposedly routine procedure on her throat and not know about a mass there?  They know she has thyroid and lung cancer. They went into her throat just 2 months ago to remove some cancer.  How the ___ does this happen?  All they did was make things worse and now they say they have to keep finding out what happened?

So my wifes mother is going to die.  Her father is in the hospital still... she just started a new job and they fired her helper on top of her only coworker on her job having to leave for pregnancy early.  All this stress is unfair to her and hurts me to see her go through this.  I am picking up slack and doing everything, but selfishly i know that this means all her pain is going to be thrown at me.  If I am ready to kill myself from the stress she throws at me and abuse from her job, what is going to happen when her mother dies?

How can i leave and run right now when her mother is dying and she is going through this?

What do I do here?

What is fair?

I certainly cant kill myself now with her already having to deal with this, but i cant handle the abuse neither that is coming cause I cant handle the now.  She is screwed...

Any advice on how to handle this?  I mean its balancing being a husband and a caring person with taking care of myself
Logged
formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #35 on: November 08, 2014, 10:57:34 AM »

 

Do you have an individual counselor you can talk these things through?   If not I think you should seek this out ASAP.

You obviously want to help you wife... .this is good... .please realize that you need help... .to be able to help her.

This is normal... .I needed this... .many on this board have needed this.

Hang in there!     
Logged

Grey Kitty
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #36 on: November 08, 2014, 12:54:48 PM »

Geez, this is tough. No getting around that, only through it. 

My advice: Take care of yourself. If you fall apart (which you sound dangerously close to doing!) you can't help anybody else, your wife, kids, etc.

Believe that letting your wife abuse you is not supporting her.

It may be her favorite coping mechanism. She certainly has more to cope with than usual.

You can step out from it any time you need to.

Logged
waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #37 on: November 08, 2014, 04:03:49 PM »

If your wife flips out over this, she may place the "system' in the role of persecutor rather than you. Do not depress yourself prematurely worrying about what might happen. Rather than what is happening.

Same rules about taking abuse applies whatever is happening, as it is an unhealthy coping behavior and is not healing for either of you.if she wants your support rather than your resentment, then she still has to obtain it the appropriate way.

Who is informing you about what is actually happening in regards to the medical situation?
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
hurthusband
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married (3 years) Together (11 years)
Posts: 616


« Reply #38 on: November 10, 2014, 10:23:52 AM »

If your wife flips out over this, she may place the "system' in the role of persecutor rather than you. Do not depress yourself prematurely worrying about what might happen. Rather than what is happening.

Same rules about taking abuse applies whatever is happening, as it is an unhealthy coping behavior and is not healing for either of you.if she wants your support rather than your resentment, then she still has to obtain it the appropriate way.

Who is informing you about what is actually happening in regards to the medical situation?

right now my wife's sister is completely shell shocked and cant do anything while her father just had bypass and is shocked.  My wife is having to handle everything.  We still as of yet have not had ONE single of her 6 doctors check in. 

They told us Saturday they had no choice and nothing could be done.  They said they advised pulling breathing tube and she would probably die within 15 minutes.  Well we removed it and after 3 hours nothing.  In fact she started improving and seemed fine yesterday.  We are told any minute her windpipe would instantly close and kill her... So it is a mess.  They all want her to go home but if she collapsing violently choking to death while where she is at it will slowly add morphine as she loses oxygen and will die peacefully...

wife new job she is having to miss over this and they now have nobody to handle things in her department cause other person had early complications with pregnancy... its just a mess.  She is doing great with it considering.  Even though her sister accused her of trying to kill their mother...

its all sick and messed up...
Logged
hurthusband
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married (3 years) Together (11 years)
Posts: 616


« Reply #39 on: November 12, 2014, 09:10:47 AM »

ok... well crazy few days...

Saturday we are told she is going to die and pull the tube which we do.  She actually gets better.  My wife is handling everything cause my sister in law is inept and her husband just had triple bypass.  My wife is scared for her job from dealing with all of this

Saturday she told me to come up with a budget in a violent outburst at me in middle of the night which I checked into and had been eating at me for days because its just not sustainable.  55% of our income is taxes and medical.  That does not include mortgage, food, transportation, or anything else.  therapy alone is more than mortgage!  Nevermind we have another 12% of income giong to MINIMUM credit card payments because over the past 2 years she has wracked up mega debt.  I say her because it is mostly her.  It is about $175 a month on just itunes and little stuff alone.  Nevermind the large purchase and trips.

she keeps pestering me on what is on my mind and i explain she has too much on her table and i will deal with it.  I refused to until she seemed calmer and explained the situation, but that we will figure something out.  It did not help that over the past month i have handled EVERYTHING with the house. I have entertained her work stuff and have not done a single thing that i wanted for myself.  Just obligations and the kids were ungrateful and the fighting had been constant.  I am just worn out, but I am sure she is worn out to so really not sure how to handle this all.

Anyways... .last night she explodes on me at 2 am.  Out of no where and dead sleep.  I am totally disoriented and start freaking out.  How we will not work and she has to give up everything for me... on and on.  How dare I bring that up with all she has on her plate... She demands to be out of our miserable house within a year. 

a. 6 months ago we had half the debt we had now and in order to get a home on par with what she wants it HAD to be lowered by 66%.  Now my cards are almost maxed... No way I am getting a loan

b. our house is a wreck from half started remodels of her.  No way it will sell in current condition, but we have no money to fix it

c. what about a down payment?  we been in our home for 5 years so not alot of room

she says she is moving out.  She is quitting therapy...

To make matters worse her mother is demanding to be released from hospital.  Nobody has sent her mother flowers yet.  Not her brothers, mother, work, friends, nobody.  So then my wife tells me to tell my mother to send her flowers today.  My mother has offered to take them all to thanksgiving this year and help out through this hard time despite the fact they that my parents and her parents have been in same room together about 5 times in 10 years... now I am supposed to tell my mother to send flowers?

It seems rude like a demand on somebody.  Am I right in that?

What do I do here?  I can honestly say, I want to be the one on a morphine drip in hospice at this point.  Its selfish but i sometimes feel i am literally leaving my body the stress is so high.  I do not want to discount my wife's stress and I  am trying to keep it bottled right now, but what about me? 

I feel sick.  I am so behind on work.  I am miserable all the time.  My family and life are falling apart.  I feel the only option at this point is pretty much bankruptcy and fleeing.  Honestly, the best option is my death accidental.  There is enough life insurance to fix house and  pay it off and let her and the kids get out of this mess.  She may get things ___ed up again, but at least all the ___ with me is clean.  I can die knowing I was a good man, and I will have peace.  I do not see any peace ahead.  with our without her
Logged
Grey Kitty
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #40 on: November 12, 2014, 11:32:04 AM »

I agree--It isn't your job to tell somebody else (your mother) to get her mother flowers.

You can't handle fighting with her. Step out of the fights. Do you have any friends or family members who would offer you a couch or guest bed to crash on without much notice?

It would do you wonders to just walk out the door, drive somewhere, turn off your phone, and sleep for one night.

Last thought... .if she wants to move out... .she can do it. I guarantee it would make your house a LOT more peaceful!
Logged
hurthusband
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married (3 years) Together (11 years)
Posts: 616


« Reply #41 on: November 12, 2014, 11:38:41 AM »

the hard part is that what she is going through right now would make even a non-BPD act like one.  So do I put up with more?  I would if she was normal through this. 

I cannot sleep.  I went into another room.  no sheets nor covers... freezing.  I kept waking up every few minutes thinking I heard her opening the door to come yell at me.  The only place I could stay is my mothers and that is a complete mess at the moment too.  I really have nowhere to stay.

She could stay at her fathers or sisters...   I just am terrified.  Even when things are normal and I am not having to be terrified of her, the crap i have let her get me into is piled up so high i cannot handle it neither... .

yea i could declare bankruptcy but then stuck in this nightmare of a house and still have to pay off crap.  I despise the idea of bankruptcy.  Its not right.  I knew what I was getting into but I did it because I was in the fog. 

I feel I have become an extreme example of what happens when you let a BPD go too far.  Everything has been sucked out of me.  I just do not want to go on.  She does not want to go on.  Each time she says that I feel like saying "yes, the best thing for both of us is to die.  We both want it", but I am just supportive and use SET... meanwhile I am dying inside and terrified it wont be enough to keep her from tearing off my head
Logged
Grey Kitty
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #42 on: November 12, 2014, 11:46:11 AM »

Geez. Sounds like you would sleep better in your car, parked in a walmart parking lot. (With blankets or a sleeping bag!)

You might want to seriously consider that!
Logged
hurthusband
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married (3 years) Together (11 years)
Posts: 616


« Reply #43 on: November 12, 2014, 03:17:05 PM »

Geez. Sounds like you would sleep better in your car, parked in a walmart parking lot. (With blankets or a sleeping bag!)

You might want to seriously consider that!

done that too.  I have a Ranger XCab so not much room with alot of my work documents i store in there, but I did it.  The problem is like tonight its 29 degrees.  I gets kind of miserable.  That and then showering and shaving for work means going back too.  Its illegal here to sleep in car, but that does not worry me too much. 

Thats main problem though... 110 degree summers and 25 degree winters... only choice is to leave car running to handle it, but then you attract police who find you. 

Logged
hurthusband
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married (3 years) Together (11 years)
Posts: 616


« Reply #44 on: November 14, 2014, 10:30:59 AM »

ok so yesterday the hospital says they are going to transfer my wife's mother to another hospital in another city.  At same time, my wife's boss is taking away all her work and leaving her without a job.  She tries to contact her and finally my wife's boss starts screaming at her saying she has no idea the stress she (meaning the boss) is under and she is tired of all her employees drama be it people dying or anything else.  She went off yelling at my wife for 5 minutes about everything about everyone but my wife.  Cursing my wife calling her names... etc.  My wife actually started using SET on her and did not get upset.  I was shocked.

Her boss settled down and apologized and explained herself.  My wife expressed she just wanted to talk about her work and what she can and cannot do since her boss just assumed to take all her work.  The boss ended up taking away her jobs still and tossing her new stuff that my wife still did not want without asking, but it was better...

my wife for next 6 hours cried and was upset and felt just like i do after one of her BPD episodes. she couldnt grasp it.  she was hurting and wanted to be mad. she wanted to quit her job.  I kept trying to reassure her and her friend came over to help too.  After 6 hours of this... we all went to bed and friend went home.  Wife though when friend left went total meltdown abuse on me... i slept on couch

this morning bright and early my wife has been panicking and everything is a mess.  No clue what now
Logged
formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #45 on: November 14, 2014, 10:56:42 AM »

   

Hang tough!
Logged

Grey Kitty
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #46 on: November 14, 2014, 11:08:58 AM »

 

Excerpt
Not my circus. Not my monkeys

Logged
hurthusband
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married (3 years) Together (11 years)
Posts: 616


« Reply #47 on: November 14, 2014, 11:42:14 AM »

   

Hang tough!

i helped my wife write an email to her boss (they were friends before she went to work for her) being kind and thoughtful but expressing how it hurt and that she is scared and nervous about working with her now.

Boss immediately called... screaming at her... telling her how she didnt sleep last night and how she has ruined her weekend cause of this.  This same boss that my wife gave up her cleaning for and we invested in equipment for the job with money we did not have... then the boss started talking to herself saying she ruined another employee and ruined her life...

my wife basically has no job now, mother dying, dad just out of hospital...

i have all of this to deal with... now i cant afford to keep us afloat alone... she will be angry with me...

I am the only thing left keeping her around but i am dying...

I want to die right now... and that will lead to more grief for her... for the kids... for everything.

I cant work... I cant work even...

This boss is obviously BPD also... she has killed us all
Logged
waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #48 on: November 14, 2014, 03:31:09 PM »

This boss is obviously BPD also... she has killed us all

This is projection

You have both gone into victim mode, painting the boss as persecutor. Your problems existed before and without the bosses input. The issue with the boss is the consequence of the drama not the cause. Jobs come and go, they are not the be all and end all of life.

The poor health issue with the parents happens to many many people, its harsh but it happens. The real issue is that the family unit is completely dysfunctional when coping with stress, compounding external factors with internal factors. Hence the overload situation you are in now.

Your wife will continue to meltdown if she is allowed to. If you continue to allow her to flame all over you, she will continue to do so. She will not heal and neither will you. Regardless of mitigating circumstances you need to put a stop to this.

Staying as you are, you are drowning by default.

If you are the only thing left she has, then why does she have the power? You have the power she has no options, you have. You are choosing not to exert them.
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
hurthusband
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married (3 years) Together (11 years)
Posts: 616


« Reply #49 on: November 15, 2014, 10:36:32 AM »

Went with my wife to her doctor last night.  I mean my wife actually used SET and other things on her boss which settled things down, but... .

Her doc says the boss is probably BPD or bipolar.  She is completely unstable and is probably not safe to work for.  It should be noted that this boss confided in my wife that she was put in the foster system by her parents at 13 years old and both her kids have severe mental issues.  One kid's doc told her that her child would not get better in therapy unless she also went into therapy.

My wife says this might be able to be dealt with if she was not the only person dealing with her mother and her hospitalization, but she is scared to leave the job because we have invested several thousand in equipment for this job and she gave up the last of her cleaning last week at the encouragement of this boss.  We are broke and need income... she scared it will be viewed as her ___ing up again, and she is paranoid she could have done something.  Basically she feels like I feel dealing with her, but with her boss.  She says she does recognize this

So this whole boss thing actually is not her fault for a change.  I witnessed it, and her doc says so.  Now that doesnt change the fact she is completely abusive and bad to me which is my fault for putting up with it.  Its just now the financial stress going up, and o well... i dont know what... .its just something new each day

and of course the weekly finding of how my "newly remodeled" house which we bought 5 years ago was done by a shady guy and is falling apart.  This week... all my air vents fell off as we discoved they were screwed into shims rather than into actual studs or boards
Logged
momtara
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2636


« Reply #50 on: November 17, 2014, 10:29:47 AM »

wow, you always have a perfect storm of s--t going on!   haven't checked back with you in a while, but it's tough.  you are a genius for hanging in there.  so here's a ((hug)) because not much else I can do to help.  glad you are at least keeping your head up.
Logged
hurthusband
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married (3 years) Together (11 years)
Posts: 616


« Reply #51 on: November 18, 2014, 09:26:05 AM »

well father in law went back into the hospital with blood clots and doctors cannot figure if the operation can work or kill my mother in law... thats a mess

my wife's boss still refuses to email her or call her or respond to anything and my wife let her know she was going into work today and it appears her boss is so intent on avoiding her that she is not going into the office today...

plus... my wife leased an art studio from her and it appears that she being the only person with a key has gone through her stuff and somebody added beer to her refrigerator along with some broken art now

this is all strange... wife been doing well with it all considering though

Logged
hurthusband
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married (3 years) Together (11 years)
Posts: 616


« Reply #52 on: November 18, 2014, 01:28:31 PM »

so wife goes into work today and her boss says hello to everyone but her and then locks herself in her office when my wife goes to talk to her.

she then goes to talk to another employee but refuses to talk to her and locks the door.

my wife needs something and knocks 3 times and she refuses to let her in until another employee lets her in

my wife goes to get something and while her back is turned the boss runs out the door to avoid her.  my wife finally calls her and she refuses to answer before calling back.  my wife says that they need to set down and talk which she has been saying for days.  the boss refuses saying anything concerning work you can say right here on the phone and i will not meet you in person. 

So my wife says that she that since she is unwilling to communicate with her and give her feedback or any courtesy basically, that she is going to have to resign.  my wife then thanks her for her kindness and for her time and opportunity.  the boss then lights into her again going off before my wife has to shut down the conversation...

This lady recruited my wife... had her quit her other job and give up everything on top of having her invest thousands into equipment to come work for her and then because flips on my wife... for once my wife does things right and this happens

this pretty much destroys all her therapy... this pretty much puts us in a financial mess.  this is on top of two parents in the hospital.  My wife's doc said this would all play out this way last week and said that this is all because her boss is embarrassed by her behavior and is going to find a way to blame my wife for her own guilt... ___ing BPDs...

of all the ___ing times... when my wife actually for once did what her therapist said and handled things well.  I mean my wife tried to to talk to her about 12 times over 5 days... .

in retrospect should have known... .i had heard she was just like my wife is to me to her bf.  I know both her kids have issues and their doc said they cant get better until she got better which is when she fired him.  I know that she was put in an ophanage at 13 years old.  Figures... ... my wife would find a BPD to work for...

I cannot rescue or do anything for my wife here.  That hurts... but you know what... .this affects me too and i am pissed off...

I cannot take anymore of this ___.
Logged
momtara
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2636


« Reply #53 on: November 18, 2014, 01:41:01 PM »

Too bad she resigned - what a weird boss and what weird behavior.  I am sorry you're in a financial hole again now.  I guess your wife can't get any kind of unemployment, right?
Logged
Grey Kitty
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #54 on: November 18, 2014, 04:16:52 PM »

Financially unemployment would be better. Considering the circumstances of her resignation, she might still have a case for it. Dunno.

It should be worth millions to have your wife not working in THAT kind of environment!

Hang in there--your wife still has incredible stressful things to deal with.

The best thing you can do is validate her now, while she's dealing with tough stuff.

You can't make medical decisions for her parents. You can't deal with her job or job search.

Hang in there, and take care of yourself!

 GK
Logged
hurthusband
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married (3 years) Together (11 years)
Posts: 616


« Reply #55 on: November 20, 2014, 09:01:13 AM »

Financially unemployment would be better. Considering the circumstances of her resignation, she might still have a case for it. Dunno.

It should be worth millions to have your wife not working in THAT kind of environment!



 GK

This is an excellent point.  My wife really had a ton of respect and cared for the lady a ton.  Even when she was getting yelled at I heard my wife saying to the lady how she cared about her and just wanted some communication on what was going on.  I have a feeling some of it might have been that the lady had two graphic designers... my wife and another girl.  The other was about to leave on maternity and my wife while was getting the work done did have all this work with her parents.  I think the boss might have also panicked and hired another person, but then when my wife was doing the work she was a bit too cowardly and embarrassed to talk about the situation and basically tried to get her to quit.  My wife's doc said that after the argument the lady based on behavior and what it sounded like would most likely feel intense shame and start to rationalize it was not her fault and basically try to force my wife out which is exactly what happened so I suppose it lets me know the doc is competent.  Just a shame.  Doc also stated its probably my wife seeks out people like that because that is what she is familiar with.

The lady really did have alot of good qualities, but you could tell had alot of personal demons she wrestled with that tormented her much like my wife.  I could tell after about 3 weeks that she too had BPD, but she seemed more under control than my wife has been

That being said, my wife has actually done much better thorugh all of this.  She had made peace with her family and is really doing well to feel and absorb her feeling of pain and shame rather than venting them in anger which is good.  She also reached out to people she had in the past been angry with out of shame.  In a way this might be a major breakthrough for her.  I suppose it was a rock bottom

I mean all in all I am still now baffled on how to solve the real problems, but at least i do not have to deal with non rational problems for now
Logged
Rapt Reader
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: married
Posts: 3626



WWW
« Reply #56 on: November 20, 2014, 02:35:56 PM »

Staff only

This thread has reached its post limit, and has been locked. This is a worthwhile topic, and you are free to start a new thread to continue the conversation. Thanks for understanding 

Logged

Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: 1 [2]  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!