What if a pwBPD get's on this site and get to read about themselves?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am just curious to know if anyone here have an answer ?

[guy4caligirl]

I am just curious to know if anyone here have an answer ?

[Raybo48]

I'm sure they are nuts enough to try and look, but none of us mention any names so it would be hard to prove. 

I had mine go over my twitter account, my ex-wife's LinkedIn account, and my Facebook.  Course when I looked at her Facebook and would comment about a post after she defriended me I would be called a stalker and psycho.   

[Skip]

guy4caligirl,

On the rare occasion that an ex finds their way to posts about themselves on this site, this is what has happened:

1. They found the posts because their partner told or hinted that they were here.

2. They become offended/angry when they found false or vile information posted about themselves.

3. They contact the staff or confront their partner with the inaccuracies or exaggerations or inappropriate disclosures (e.g., graphic descriptions of poor genital hygiene).

When the staff has been involved, which has sometimes involved a members therapist, the claims or inaccuracies or exaggerations or inappropriate disclosures were almost always true.

What can we all learn from this?

Skip

[Lucky Jim]

Sure, it happened to me.  My BPDxW got on my laptop in the middle of the night and somehow combed through my History and hacked into my bpdfamily.com account.  I'm still unsure exactly how she did it as my Username and password were unknown to her, as far as I know, but somehow she figured out how to read my posts, which she then printed out.  The next day, she confronted me about it.  I admitted it yet pointed out that the site is anonymous so in my view it was no harm, no foul.  Needless to say, she didn't see it that way.  On some level I suspect pwBPD are paranoid that they will be exposed for who they really are, which in a sense is what I did.  She didn't like it -- to put it mildly -- that I was putting it out there on the web, albeit anonymously, an accurate description of her behavior.

Skip summed it up pretty well.  The question, I agree, is what can we learn from all of this?

Lucky Jim

[clydegriffith]

If the BPDx were to come on here she would probably know right away as what i've publicized, well, i'm sure she knows there probably insn't another person int he world in the same predicament she's in. My username is also the a character from one of my favorite books

She would never come on here though as she only acknowledged she had a problem after one of her major episodes and i threatened to leave. Then the same thing would happen again. I even tried giving her the book walking on eggshells. She took it and said she would read it but i highly doubt she did it. We broke up and she's repeated the cycle with a few other replacements.

[Raybo48]

Unless they get help as you know their cycle will forever be the same with anyone they are with.   If my ex saw me on there she would probably try and disprove everything I've said about her, but there are some things you just can't make up.   

[Lucky Jim]

Agree with you guys, Raybo and clyde.  One time I flipped my lid and called my BPDxW's family to relate some incidents of her bizarre and outrageous behavior.  She denied and repudiated everything I said.  When her brother called me on it, I said, "Well, it would be hard to make up this s***!"  To which he replied, "I know, that's why I believe you!"  As Raybo put it, there are some things you just can't make up.

Lucky Jim

[clydegriffith]

Agree with you guys, Raybo and clyde.  One time I flipped my lid and called my BPDxW's family to relate some incidents of her bizarre and outrageous behavior.  She denied and repudiated everything I said.  When her brother called me on it, I said, "Well, it would be hard to make up this s***!"  To which he replied, "I know, that's why I believe you!"  As Raybo put it, there are some things you just can't make up.

Lucky Jim

I also let her family know a lot of the crazy thing's she's done and i know they believe me because i am in frequent contact with her mother as she is now the intermediary between me and my child.  However, i do recall the BPDx always telling me that nobody in her family believed anything i said and that they all thought i was crazy. After b/u she moved in to her mom's and her mom ended up kicking her out within 8 months.

[Raybo48]

My BPDx would always tell her friends all kinds of bad things about me, which I found out later from some of her friends in confidence.  She did the same thing with her family.  That was always confusing because here is a girl who told me she loved me and missed me all the time yet she couldn't wait to make up stuff and throw me under the bus with friends and family.   I guess I shouldn't think too hard about anything she did because no way you can climb into that behavior and understand much.

[fred6]

I could care less if my ex came here and read every word that I've posted. I don't personally know anyone here. No one here has any real vested interest in my relationship with my ex. As far as I'm concerned, everything that I've posted is accurate with exception of normal small inconsistencies. The content as a whole is extremely accurate. In the end, I'm posting my story. I'm sure she has her own story. But I'm here for support, advice, to vent, and to help others if I can. If she wants to create a username and participate, more power to her. I have this site, my depression, and lonliness to deal with. She has new supply and all the things that were taken from me. Fair trade? Not even close. But that's the cards that I was dealt for being a "nice guy" and trying to help her. 

[Aussie JJ]

I think about this a fair bit... .

Reality, the inconsistencies i have in my  version of events is to protect her and primarily

OUR sons privacy.  If called on it im happy to correct events and totally open up.  I don't think she will ever come on this site as it would be acknowledging a problem she wants to deny.  If she ever did i would have to sit down and explain myself and how i felt about it all and i think that would be to much for her.  

I am afraid one day she will ask for total disclosure.  When that happens its her choice and that is different to accidental disclosure.  No one here hates or wants harm on there ex, if they did come here it would cause some harm so what do you do, change details leave them out and remember this is your resource not to be shared.  

Sorry for spelling on phone... .


AJJ.

[guy4caligirl]

I am just wondering don't you think that some of them know exactly what they're doing read about their illness aware of it pretty well , like my ex she knows a lot about her mental illness she is also have ADHD ,bipolar the whole shebang !

if she reads all this which is I will never tell her about this site of course this is healing site .

I will guaranty you that she would see herself in herself to the T ... .I did .

But of course if we talk she will deny it  because "she never lies !

[rickdeckard]

If the claims were terribly inaccurate or exaggerated too much I wouldnt think the ex-partner would recognize themselves in what the poster is saying. My ex could find me here (if she were looking) by my statements about what happened, if I made up something different she would just think "well, thats not me because that isnt what happened". Too many stories are too similar to allow much deviation without it possibly being someone else.

[TwoCents]

Well Skip, I can tell you in my case that the nasty accusations and representations of me that I found on your site, posted by my ex, were highly exaggerated or just completely false.  I responded but to no avail.

Your staff of moderators, instead of allowing me to respond in kind immediately shut me down, removed my posts and told me to go to he11.  Then they deleted my account and blocked my IP.  Not that any of that stopped me from participating here.  Just that I had to get on the Tor browser and create a new account.  So I lurk now but what I read is still meaningful to me.

While I'm sure you'd like to think that everyone here who characterizes themselves as dealing with someone having a personality disorder is a victim, many are clearly not.  Have you not read the myriad crap posts here where someone spouts and clearly has emotional issues that were the root of the problem, rather than their ex?

What can we learn from this?  Your site is designed more as an outlet than for real therapy.  It is a site seemingly run to appease those who join rather than to really try to get to the root of whatever issues trouble couples.  Certainly there is very little effort to question the accusers and the discussion here can sound like an echo chamber.  Or didn't you notice?

You know, normally I read what you write and I feel you are amazingly on point but that comment you wrote above was just some sad, self-serving cr@p.  I'd like to see you really answer that question rather than wrench your arm patting yourself on the back.

Or delete my account, like usual, and then I'll just pop up under another user name and you can deal with my response that way.  But seriously, I'd like you to give a meaningful response to how does a person who has never been diagnosed with a personality disorder and is vilified here deal with that?  Don't just tell me just look the other way.  Allowing your members to libel and defame others for the sake of their therapy is wrong.  Maybe you feel that a higher cause is served despite that, but it's still wrong in my book.

At least that's my two cents.

[Blimblam]

Two cents

I can relate to your frustration. Breakups are a painful process especially when BPD or BPD traits are involved and leaves both parties confused. Bpd is not something the vast majority of people are aware of and it is tragic to the sufferers and the people that love them. This is a space created for those that love or loved a BPD sufferer enough to feel the pain their loved one does to a degree and we are trying to makes sense of it. We are here because ultimately we have compassion for BPD sufferers and in a way share in your pain.

I am sorry for you pain and suffering.

I hope you understand the anger and percieved hostility is just a phase in our grieving and find that compassion for suffering within you that we all share in common.

[TwoCents]

Blimblam, thank you for your empathy.  I do appreciate you responding to me.  And honestly this site, despite having found myself the subject of numerous threads highly critical of me (vis a vis my ex's posts), is still a great resource for reading and understanding my own experiences.  It was not my first relationship and my prior relationships were much better understood through the lens of comprehending personality disorders.  For that I am appreciative.

"Compassion for BPD sufferers?"  Are you kidding me?  Those with BPD are vilified here like no site I've ever visited.  How is that compassion?  The reality is that the best place to find black and white thinking is right here.  Perhaps it is helpful to some but it is done at the cost of those who are dissected and discussed here.  Fortunately for most of them they remain unaware, but for those who become aware of this site, their treatment and examination here is the most vile and visceral of mistreatment one could imagine.  :)o you have any experience finding out that you've been the subject of much discussion and ridicule and then suddenly become aware of it?  Because if so, please relate that experience.  Otherwise, it's merely theoretical to you.

[Lucky One]

guy4caligirl,

On the rare occasion that an ex finds their way to posts about themselves on this site, this is what has happened:

1. They found the posts because their partner told or hinted that they were here.

2. They become offended/angry when they found false or vile information posted about themselves.

3. They contact the staff or confront their partner with the inaccuracies or exaggerations or inappropriate disclosures (e.g., graphic descriptions of poor genital hygiene).

When the staff has been involved, which has sometimes involved a members therapist, the claims or inaccuracies or exaggerations or inappropriate disclosures were almost always true - can't think of a case where they weren't.

What can we all learn from this?

Skip

What can we learn from this:



1.) Be discreet, don't tell or hint that one is here on this site.

2.) Only be truthful about one's situation, and don't magnify it.

3.) Try to keep language and descriptions at an acceptable standard.

4.) Do the above to protect oneself and the staff at bpdfamily.

5.) BE WISE.

[Blimblam]

Blimblam, thank you for your empathy.  I do appreciate you responding to me.  And honestly this site, despite having found myself the subject of numerous threads highly critical of me (vis a vis my ex's posts), is still a great resource for reading and understanding my own experiences.  It was not my first relationship and my prior relationships were much better understood through the lens of comprehending personality disorders.  For that I am appreciative.

"Compassion for BPD sufferers?"  Are you kidding me?  Those with BPD are vilified here like no site I've ever visited.  How is that compassion?  The reality is that the best place to find black and white thinking is right here.  Perhaps it is helpful to some but it is done at the cost of those who are dissected and discussed here.  Fortunately for most of them they remain unaware, but for those who become aware of this site, their treatment and examination here is the most vile and visceral of mistreatment one could imagine.  :)o you have any experience finding out that you've been the subject of much discussion and ridicule and then suddenly become aware of it?  Because if so, please relate that experience.  Otherwise, it's merely theoretical to you.

My ex did a smear campaign against me at the end of our rs. It was extremely painful and heartbreaking.  It made me want to curl up Ina ball and die. I loved her more than anything in this world. As she ran away from her shame she ran to people that used her and didnt really care about her and in her shame she bad mouthed me.  

Look the people who get hurt as badly as the people on this forum are the ones that loved a pwBPD the most.  I hope you realize that. There's plenty of people that use them and never love them enough to be as devestated as the folks on these boards.  As we try to make sense of things we go through an experience not so unlike that of a pwBPD. Fleas as they are called and as you know it isn't easy regulating and making sense of that sort of pain.  Most of us have no comunity of people that understand then pain as we do here. If you are a BPD sufferer than you know this pain all too well. Now we do to to an extent.

[TwoCents]

> Look the people who get hurt as badly as the people on this forum are the ones that loved a pwBPD the most.  I hope you realize that. There's plenty of people that use them and never love them enough to be as devestated as the folks on these boards

I hear you there and can relate.  Hadn't really thought it through that way so thanks for helping me see that.  Sorry you went through that kind of treatment.  You know, I'm fairly well at peace.  I've managed to find my way through a few intense relationships and the bits of wisdom I've found here were informative and helpful.  The question posed, however, resonated with me and I felt it hadn't been given the proper treatment so I chimed in.  I've no axe to grind here, just wanted to speak up when it seemed a question wasn't really addressed.  LuckyOne gave some concrete examples of how to manage participation here and while that's not a full answer to the question at hand, the advice does seem to provide a way to help preclude the scenario that I experienced and that had been inquired about in this thread.

[antelope]

I am just curious to know if anyone here have an answer ?

pretty simple: anger, denial, maybe some projection, ambivalence, and a circular argument ending with you being the bad guy... .then of course, the disappearing act

(see page 2   )

[Lucky One]

>  LuckyOne gave some concrete examples of how to manage participation here and while that's not a full answer to the question at hand, the advice does seem to provide a way to help preclude the scenario that I experienced and that had been inquired about in this thread.

The question posed:

What if a pwBPD get's on this site and get's to read about themselves?



There are many possibilities, and that's the problem. Who can really identify what they will do, because each one could react / respond in any of many different ways.

Maybe the experts / professionals would include some of the below on their lists, but don't take my word on it. I'm also an academic, but NOT in medical or mental health.

1.) Go into denial.

2.) Become aggressive with the member and BPD staff.

3.) Take legal action.

4.) Cry.

5.) Do nothing.

6.) Go into a rage.

7.) Curse everyone.

8.) Devalue everyone.

9.) Maybe, just maybe accept the truth and try and go into treatment

10.) Etc.Etc.

But I certainly don't think, it's at all wise, to get a TRUE / PURE pwBPD onto this site. I'm not thinking of someone with a few of the traits.

Proposed Answer to Question Posed:



I would almost certainly think that they would get triggered, to no-ones benefit.

[Aussie JJ]

I agree in part with your comments about finding the ultimate in black and white thinking here.  No denial there. 

I myself am guilty of that like no other, I had a thread removed on me where I was going absolutely crazy and then some at one point.  There are people that use and people that abuse.  I agree it is very one sided to say all pwBPD are horrible and the devil re-incarnate.  It is simple not true.  However to say that the whole anger and understanding it all processing it isn't healthy.  Well, that's another story.  There are so many threads on here about finding a therapist and not hating your ex's being neutral etc.  I've got to the point myself where I cant for the life of me participate in threads where it is just a smear campaign against peoples ex's.  BPD or not they are people. 

Take it or leave it there are different opinions about everything and everyone.  For what my ex has done to me, the smear campaign, alienating me from our son, re-parenting our son, false accusations at court that I now have to deal with.  Why shouldn't I be angry at her? 

End of the day, I have processed that anger, I am over it and it was healthy for me to do so, I did it here and with a psychologist not putting it onto my ex like she has done with me.  My 1/2 of the relationship wasn't pretty either.  Now go across to the parents with a son/daughter with BPD and for that forum alone this site is worth it for the support that those parents get with assisting their children. 

Those that stay in the anger phase in my opinion are lacking some emotional maturity themselves.  I sure as hell was before I came here, before i processed that anger.  So I'll put my hand up, I have said things I regret about my ex here and things I am not proud of.  I have also learnt from that. 

I have this site in part and the reading on here along with outside of this forum that I have done to thank for allowing me to understand. 

For the record, the posts that I get the most reward out of, those that brings a smile to my face and make me have hope amongst all the stories of despair.  When a poster comes along in the new members forum and says, hey I have BPD, can I have some help with this?  I along with everyone here at the start of our relationships wouldn't have run away if we were told by our now ex's that they had BPD, we would have tried to manage it with them and been there for the long haul. 

My only hope is that for every angry person here there is someone in the future for all of our ex's that they have a healthy relationship with.  Someone who they have the trust to open up too and express the torment that they are going through and who can be there for them when they go and ask for help.  When that person is in there life, I hope they find there way here and participate in the staying board and this site supports them with there relationship with there BPD partners. 

Sorry you had to experience the equivalent of a smear campaign here yourself.  As someone who has been through it and still is going through it I know it isnt pretty. 

[Pingo]

Beautifully put Aussie JJ ^^

I think it's like we are 'growing up' here.  We start out here generally in such a place of shock, our wounds exposed so deeply, that we can't help but say things here that perhaps are immature and bitter and self-righteous.  For many our sense of self has been destroyed.  But as time passes we grow, we start to come out of that phase and realise that there is more to the story, always something to learn about ourselves.  Of course there are some that never do come out of that phase.  Some that never take advantage of this moment in their lives to self-reflect and gain emotional maturity.  I guess it depends on what phase the person is in when the pwBPD finds this site, how they will react by what they see. 

If my ex came on here and read things I've posted he'd go into denial like he has with anything I've called him on.  He has no accountability.  I'd doubt he'd ever find me on here, we never discussed BPD, I didn't learn about it until after we split.