can't seem to turn corner on getting over BPD ex

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I just got out of a relationship with someone I believe to have BPD... the constant text messsages... the love bombing... .The accusing of cheating... Granted I had errors in judgment and are sometimes let my mouth say stupid stuff but I stand by the fact I never cheated and loved her with every fiber of my being... yes it was exhausting and yes I displayed a lot of physical symptoms of stress among others while we were together and now once we are apart.

We split in June and I moved out I had just about finished packing when she broke down crying in hallway of our apartment building saying that she didn't want this to be the end and I responded with I don't either I was exhausted from moving and the emotions from the prior day so I said let's work on things and believed in my heart of hearts that we would be back in no time .

I immediately went about righting and fixing things she wanted to me to fix we saw each other for that week and then it got to the point where I needed to know and she said she couldn't take me back yet I didn't have anywhere else to go so o packed my stuff and went to visit a friend out of town thinking OK this will be a matter of time...

long story short after countless hours of begging and convincing she dropped me... she had a new friend whose number I found in her call log I wasnt one to snoop but I had a feeling I confronted her and she said it was just a friend.

Turns out he was my replacement and much like I've read about BPD the new person I wasn't jealous of I was sick to my stomach with the fact that he is nearly 20 years older and needless to say is no Brett favre when it comes to looks department. He is the command master chief at a base in Florida so the man has money and after strugging to get by with me admittedly had some hard luck the last couple years but always kept fighting and keeping the dreams we shared alive even when we didn't have two dimes to rub together.

It took me about a month to come across pics of them together and to confront her with the findings ... she attempted to call about 8 times in order to explain I assume but didn't answer the call ... and when I actually did speak to her she said how in love she is and how he is this and that splitting me black and him white.

I have made headway but can't seem to permanently get around the corner. I spoke to her today about the dog we adopted together to see how the dog is doing and it went well she was engaging and seemingly business like asking questions and such... said that the dog was still with her and then get notified that the dogs microchip is registered to someone else I'm very tempted to call her out on it but I figure what's the point  any help that I can be would be greatly appreciated ... at this point i still can't be rid of myself the image of the woman I fell in love with but increasingly growing agitated and I suppose this helps but just seems frustrating that she would lie about the dog I mean if she doesnt want it why do that? Oh thats right to hurt me

[emancipated]

I just got out of a relationship with someone I believe to have BPD... the constant text messsages... the love bombing... .The accusing of cheating... Granted I had errors in judgment and are sometimes let my mouth say stupid stuff but I stand by the fact I never cheated and loved her with every fiber of my being... yes it was exhausting and yes I displayed a lot of physical symptoms of stress among others while we were together and now once we are apart.

We split in June and I moved out I had just about finished packing when she broke down crying in hallway of our apartment building saying that she didn't want this to be the end and I responded with I don't either I was exhausted from moving and the emotions from the prior day so I said let's work on things and believed in my heart of hearts that we would be back in no time .

I immediately went about righting and fixing things she wanted to me to fix we saw each other for that week and then it got to the point where I needed to know and she said she couldn't take me back yet I didn't have anywhere else to go so o packed my stuff and went to visit a friend out of town thinking OK this will be a matter of time...

long story short after countless hours of begging and convincing she dropped me... she had a new friend whose number I found in her call log I wasnt one to snoop but I had a feeling I confronted her and she said it was just a friend.

Turns out he was my replacement and much like I've read about BPD the new person I wasn't jealous of I was sick to my stomach with the fact that he is nearly 20 years older and needless to say is no Brett favre when it comes to looks department. He is the command master chief at a base in Florida so the man has money and after strugging to get by with me admittedly had some hard luck the last couple years but always kept fighting and keeping the dreams we shared alive even when we didn't have two dimes to rub together.

It took me about a month to come across pics of them together and to confront her with the findings ... she attempted to call about 8 times in order to explain I assume but didn't answer the call ... and when I actually did speak to her she said how in love she is and how he is this and that splitting me black and him white.

I have made headway but can't seem to permanently get around the corner. I spoke to her today about the dog we adopted together to see how the dog is doing and it went well she was engaging and seemingly business like asking questions and such... said that the dog was still with her and then get notified that the dogs microchip is registered to someone else I'm very tempted to call her out on it but I figure what's the point  any help that I can be would be greatly appreciated ... at this point i still can't be rid of myself the image of the woman I fell in love with but increasingly growing agitated and I suppose this helps but just seems frustrating that she would lie about the dog I mean if she doesnt want it why do that? Oh thats right to hurt me

[Skip]

Thats really awful. Are you going to try to reclaim the dog?

[antonio1213]

You need to go NC. It is the only way. I am in a kind of similar situation. Me and my exBPDgf were living together and in love. She loved me so much, we were even going to consider getting a dog together and made plans for marriage and kids. One day she just told me she needed a break. Long story short once you go down a path like this there is no turning back.

It has been 1 month since she broke up with me. She has tried multiple times to contact me and I haven't answered a single one. It is really really hard but in the end it is helping me out a lot. I was so broken up but I am recovering well. I think about her a lot and really do miss her.

My advice is this: go full NC, find something else to do, and give yourself time to dwell on the past but not too long. I know it is hard for me to compare to you because its only been one month post b/u for me. But NC is the way to go. If I was talking to her every now and then I would be a mess. Talking to her is only making it harder for you. Especially since she has a new man. Mine kept telling me she still wanted me in her life, I just plain out told her no. She freaked out and cried and I walked away and cried on the way home and haven't talked to her since. It is the only way to move on. And the only way to get over her.

[emancipated]

Skip... Im not sure what I'm gonna do... if the dog has a new home and is being taken care of and being loved especially if kids are involved then I might cause more pain that way I loved the dog and wish i took her with me although I didn't know initially where I would go... i texted her back and in a non confrontational way made it known that I know aboutbthe microchip. She has lied so much since everything ended and makes me wonder how much of it actually was real... .I can't prove nor can I contact these people directly so essentially the dog is at the mercy of that woman if she decides to find a soul. And I am well aware of needing to go nc and have no problem returning to it ... she still weighs on my mind heavily a lot and I like getting advice and I am getting back to being me slowly and fortunately figuring out my existing feelings for her is what's keeping me from jumping into something else... I know she doesn't feel the same way about me... she is trying to plug and play someone in the same spot whereas I need to reconcile it was her spot and get to that point where I am no longer concerned with it... a lot of my concern at this point is the dog and really to try and mentally prepare myself emotionally if the day were to come where she tries to suck me back in... which is why I was seeking  feedback... I'm glad that u were successful in ur attempt at no contact and staying strong I really admire that

[antonio1213]

Skip... Im not sure what I'm gonna do... if the dog has a new home and is being taken care of and being loved especially if kids are involved then I might cause more pain that way I loved the dog and wish i took her with me although I didn't know initially where I would go... i texted her back and in a non confrontational way made it known that I know aboutbthe microchip. She has lied so much since everything ended and makes me wonder how much of it actually was real... .I can't prove nor can I contact these people directly so essentially the dog is at the mercy of that woman if she decides to find a soul. And I am well aware of needing to go nc and have no problem returning to it ... she still weighs on my mind heavily a lot and I like getting advice and I am getting back to being me slowly and fortunately figuring out my existing feelings for her is what's keeping me from jumping into something else... I know she doesn't feel the same way about me... she is trying to plug and play someone in the same spot whereas I need to reconcile it was her spot and get to that point where I am no longer concerned with it... a lot of my concern at this point is the dog and really to try and mentally prepare myself emotionally if the day were to come where she tries to suck me back in... which is why I was seeking  feedback... I'm glad that u were successful in ur attempt at no contact and staying strong I really admire that

Yeah that stinks about the dog but if the kids love it and get attached it may be for the best.

And yeah NC does wonders. But it doesn't solve the problem completely, I still can't get her out of my head I always think about her and the thing that sucks the most is I have dreams about her all the time and it is torture! Getting back to you is the best thing. Reasearching them helps too and learning what happened and why they did the things they did as well as why you put up with it. Goodluck with everything. I am one month out and feeling better every day! (Just wish I would stop having dreams about her)

[emancipated]

Hey Antonio

And yea I can't do much about the dog... if the new people are taking the time to change her microchip then they probably aren't gonna be the types to abuse her I just hope not anyway... I can't win with her especially seeing as she can't be honest when she claims she is happy in a new relationship . the dreams are tough I'm not gonna lie and when we first split and was certain we would reconcile especially after all the abuse i absorbed about always being badgered about women I work with.or are at the gym when I go. The dreams do eventually become less frequent although from time to time u will again... I had One recently that was so real . the times that were the worst  is when i would have an anxiety attack thinking about them being together and and how could I have been replaced by a disgusting old man . I am curious however when they say it doesn't matter ... ur looks... money... whatever they always repeat this is there no end game for them... in short being painted black sucks but I am beginning to see the light moremore more ... and I agree that nc is best but talking to them from time to time when they are as toxic and venomous as she is has helped as it has helped knock a lot of the shine off their halo. And lastly I am wondering if nons can adapt to a type of splitting ... wat has helped me is realizing that the person she was for me and the person she is are very different... so now when I do talk or think about her I think of her more as the woman she made herself out to be and the person she is... because the girl I knew wouldnt start humping the homely elderly no matter how much money he had

[JohnLove]

Hi EBNF. I feel for you mate. It is all awful. The chameleon way they are with others is something I really struggle with. It all comes back to the absence of their true identity. This is why it is mental illness. It's almost like THEY don't exist. I find this aspect particularly disturbing.

And lastly I am wondering if nons can adapt to a type of splitting ... wat has helped me is realizing that the person she was for me and the person she is are very different... so now when I do talk or think about her I think of her more as the woman she made herself out to be and the person she is... because the girl I knew wouldnt start humping the homely elderly no matter how much money he had

I feel you are on to something here. This is what I have been practicing. A form of detachment. Fighting fire with fire?. I believe that your techniques shows great self awareness and is very good for staying grounded, and appreciating reality. It feels uneasy inside my relationship because it is in direct contrast to developing the relationship... .but it is peaceful and helps to protect my heart.

All the abusive behaviour that I have endured has certainly "taken a shine of their halo". A very apt description when it seems they feel they can do no wrong. It certainly makes it easier when the endorphins for them are exhausting and you can view their behaviour more logically. That's when you can see it doesn't make sense... .and that there is an absence of real love on their part.

It's that last sentence in your last post that seems so brutal. It is the truth. It's what made me post this reply. If my dBPDgf ever thought of doing something like this. I want my armour on.

Some of their behaviour is so hard to understand at times... .and that's simply because it's NOT UNDERSTANDABLE. It doesn't make any sense except to a disordered mind. That's the simple truth. I want everyone who is struggling to realise this.

Keep well, my friend... .you've done everything you could do. Even perfect would not have been enough.

[emancipated]

Hey john

Thanks for the kind words and to answer a lot of ur sentiments from your response it has been tough.especially the old man... when I found the number and cross referenced and then googled him I thought OK there is no way she could do that and then a month later After her constant denials I found out and it was like being punched in the face... I could see the writing on the wall even before she officially split... talking about going hiking and camping and kayaking and all these other things she would have never done when we were together guess what... Its all the things he likes to do ... we spoke  the other day and she was asking me a lot of personal questions andnshowing interest almost to assume she was seeing where I was at and determining if she wants to recycle. I might be getting a job out west and asked me about why my Facebook says married me and my estranged wife are attempting to reconcile and things are going well but I mostly changed it because I know how much she seemed to hate my wife because well she was my wife and for a long time she was the Mistress which come to find out a lot of borderlines are drawn to these relationships and come to find out the old man is still legally married I contemplated reporting him to the navy as he is senior enlisted and stands to lose a lot but thought better of it because I don't need the karma and if she is being friendlier chances are after four months and about 2 months of living together that they thought he would want my shoes and she was sure he could fill them and they are both seeing the difficulty in doing so