When to respond and when not to?

[Permastress]

My ex has BPD and we share custody of our 5 year old daughter. He is constantly trying to start texting wars with me bc of something our d5 said or did. They are normal 5 yr old things! like being scared at night or being whiny and crying sometimes... .everything is always my fault. I respond very calmly and rationally, making sure I'm not sounding attacking and placing the blame, I don't curse at him or call names, I have completely disengaged in that kind of behavior after about 2 years of being broken up, and realizing being angry and sarcastic to each other was not working. So I do feel better now because we hardly talk, or text I should say(he doesn't want to hear my voice or see me in person bc of how awful I am) and when we do I keep it short and direct. He has been talking to me a lot more these last few weeks, and not bc he wants to discuss something about our daughter but to bicker with me and try to get me angry. Sometimes I feel like yelling at him "what do you want from me!" bc he is constantly trying to pull me into his rage and argue with me. It has gotten to the point where I get anxiety when he texts me bc I'm afraid of what he's gonna say now.

I guess my question is when do I respond and when do I not? My friends tell me just to ignore him and don't pay attention or let it bother you but it still does! Today for example, he asked me " so does ***** still not have a bed?" and of course our daughter has a bed but she's been wanting to sleep in my bed lately bc she saw a scary movie... and he obviously knows she has a bed, but is mad bc he says that I "disable" our daughter bc I let her sleep in my bed. Now I understand kids need to be independent and I don't even let her sleep with me often... .maybe once a month she will crawl in bed with me, and I think that's ok. Bc our daughter is scared I am some horrible person and baby her too much. Idk, these past few weeks have been driving me crazy and I don't know how to tell if its necessary to reply to that. Does me ignoring him make me seem bad bc I don't want to get wrapped up in his craziness?

[Swiggle]

I know how hard it can be when you recieve texts like that and it is great that you've disengaged in the negative behavior. One thing my T helped me understand when it came to my ex was that the more I tried to explain, defend and rationalize the more it made me look like I wasn't confident in my abilities or decisions.

One of the hardest things when trying to co-parent is that we aren't always going to have the same rules. The motto I use is "my house My rules", Dad's house, Dad's rules. I really try to be pretty close but there are thigns that he does that I totally don't agree with. It sounds like you are doing something that he doesn't agree with. If you are confident in whatever it is then try not to worry about what he thinks. Your rules aren't right and his wrong, they are just different. That can be confusing for a 5 yrs old, you can use that as a chance to talk about this type of thing with you DD. Maybe you say "it sounds like you have a hard time in your own bad when your with Daddy", can you tell me why that is"? "Wow I know it is hard when daddy won't let you sleep with him and I know I do sometimes, but it is important to respect Daddy's rules about this when you are iwth him". As her mom you don't have to agree iwth dad on this but you can let her know that she should respect dad's decision. Helpf her problem sovle ways of not feeling scared when she has to sleep alone at dad's, maybe a speical bear, nightlight, or positive things she can think about when she goes to bed.

I can relate about the co-sleeping arrangment. My ex from the day I moved out, before he got a GF, was ALWAYS sleeping with our then 7 and 3 yr old. It was brutal when they would come to my house because I would not let them sleep with me and for a while it was a battle. But I had to learn to deal with the rules at his house in a way that was consistent with my thoughts. So I had "sleepover" nights with my kids once a month. Of course if they were sick/bad dream they would come to bed sometimes but I made sure to not let it become a habit. My kids equate feeling loved by dad because he was always letting them sleep with him. It was the only time they really got his undivided attention, while snuggling before bed or watching toons in the moring. Now it all backfired on him when he got a GF and then never wanted the kids to sleep with him when GF was around, but I digress.

I realized it wasn't my job to parent in a way I didn't feel good about just to make my ex's parenting easier but I also had to learn to think that about him. As much as I didn't think co-sleeping with my kids was a good idea, I knew I couldn't "make" him stop. I think the best thing you can do is be confidnet in your sleeping arrangement with your DD. If you aren't 100% confident then make some minor changes, for you and DD though, not dad. If he text bombs you don't respond, you are under no obligation to explain yourself to him but you can have a discussion with your DD about what might be going on.

Swiggle

[Matt]

My first suggestion would be to use e-mail not texts, because they leave a better record, and it's easier to take your time before answer.  Pretty often, if you let it sit a little while, you'll find it easier to not respond.

If he asks a good, sensible question - he's asking for information - something about your daughter - a practical matter - then you can just give him the information.  Like if he says, "What do you give her for a headache?" you can respond, "Ibuprofen."  Simple.

Or if he makes a good suggestion - "I'd like to bring D5 home an hour later tomorrow so we can see a movie first." - and you decide it's a good idea, then you can just reply, "OK".

Anything else - anything emotional, any blaming or accusations, anything vague or hypothetical - ignore it all.

[Permastress]

Thank you for your responses, I have been so busy with work I haven't been on here. I attempted to use an online parenting website to use for co parenting but he won't sign up for it. I don't know how to make him start using email only... he isn't making communication very easy, which I'm sure you understand...

[Panda39]

Tell him you will only communicate via email.  If he texts you instead (unless it is an emergency) don't respond.  Only respond to legitimate emails about your kids.  Ignore the rest. Keep the email as a record you never know when you might need some documentation.

Don't feed the drama if you don't he will start looking for someone else who will (this does not mean that he will not continue to test your boundaries every so often)

these past few weeks have been driving me crazy

I've found with my SO's uBPDxw that sometimes she will try to escalate contact with him when some other area of her life is out of control.  Not sure if this is what your ex is doing but you might just want to watch for patterns when his contact with you starts to rise it may be something else going on in his life and actually have nothing to do with you.

Just keep up those boundaries!  I know you can do it 

[Matt]

Tell him you will only communicate via email.  If he texts you instead (unless it is an emergency) don't respond.  Only respond to legitimate emails about your kids.  Ignore the rest. Keep the email as a record you never know when you might need some documentation.

Don't feed the drama if you don't he will start looking for someone else who will (this does not mean that he will not continue to test your boundaries every so often)

these past few weeks have been driving me crazy

I've found with my SO's uBPDxw that sometimes she will try to escalate contact with him when some other area of her life is out of control.  Not sure if this is what your ex is doing but you might just want to watch for patterns when his contact with you starts to rise it may be something else going on in his life and actually have nothing to do with you.

Just keep up those boundaries!  I know you can do it 

Yeah, this is the approach that has (usually) worked for me.

Except I don't state my boundaries, like only using e-mail.  I just do it, and let my BPD ex deal with it however she will.

[david]

I got rid of texting altogether and let her know. Once she learned the new behavior I turned it back on. She has never texted me since. If she did I would not respond.