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krishna80

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« on: November 01, 2014, 09:28:43 PM »

Very nice to discover this site and realizing that I am not the crazy one.

I have kept a journal of all the ups and downs in my relationship over the last year and a half. I recently moved out into my own place away from my gf about two months ago. I actually went to a counselor to help me decide what action to take. My counselor within 30 min told me I was codependent and she had BPD. I was encouraged to move out and never speak to her again. I tried, but I wasn't strong enough. It took me several attempts. One time I was writing a security deposit to a renter and I began to cry and said I couldn't do it. Whats wrong with me... .

I truly love this woman, but it came a point where I couldn't take the abuse anymore. I found myself walking around work crying and always hurting. Most mornings I would wait for her to get home making myself late for work, she would kick the door open and not even look at me or push me away. Then if I wasn't there waiting for her it was even a bigger problem.

I moved out and told her things don't have to end but I cannot live in this environment. Now the argument has changed to "you moved out to hook up with girls, and I don't trust you". Its funny because I have always been honest and an open book with her. I love her so much, I don't think or even look at other girls. I've caught her more than once texting other guys, and once on a dating site talking to guys. She claims, "im not cheating on you I just needed an ego boost". This is just a tip of the iceberg honestly.

Our last fall out (which is constantly) was when she said I don't do anything for her. (I have compiled a list of things with little in return) We left our date and she raced me home in her car and told me to get out. Needless to say, I haven't talked to her in two days and the viscous cycle begins again. 

This cycle has been repeated over the last year and a half. It started within the first week of meeting her. I was setting up lights on our bicycles so we could go on a night ride. She sat in the other room then came out and said,"I can tell you're not even in to me." Then she ran out the door. Of course in the beginning I used to chase her upset and wonder what I did wrong. She will break up with me and then the next day regret it and call me back. So far, I've just been telling her that I love her and I'm here for her when she feels differently. I don't think I can continue to live my life this way... .Like I said, these are just the simple things that have happened. There are some really out in left field things that have happened as well that would take forever to type. On the other hand when she is normal, life with her is amazing. It does seem however that the bad outweighs the good. Just when I think Im getting good at "dealing" with her, I get hurt so deeply again, then back to relief when she's sorry, like nothing ever happened. Advice? 
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« Reply #1 on: November 02, 2014, 04:49:53 PM »

Hello and welcome!

You asked for advice. I'm going to start with a very simple piece: You said this. Hang on to it as if your life depends on it.

I am not the crazy one.

Really. Her reality is one where her feelings cause her to re-write facts to match how she's feeling this moment. Then the next moment she is feeling something different, and she will re-write the facts the exact opposite way so that match her new feelings.

Don't let her sell that version of reality to you.

Also, learn more about this disorder, and not just what it does to her, but how it impacts you, and how you react to it. We've got a LOT of material on this site, go and read more of it.

Lastly, stick around and keep posting stories about what you are going through, or questions about what you can do. It really does help.

 GK
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krishna80

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« Reply #2 on: November 03, 2014, 02:24:13 PM »

Thank you for the response.

So, a few days went by and she texted me inviting me to a movie. We sat at dinner and she constantly repeats that she cannot trust me since I moved out. I haven't done anything to break her trust other than moving out i suppose. She still thinks I moved out to see other girls. I've repeated that the true reason that I moved out is because she couldn't be nice to me. So, after dinner she walked three steps in front of me then said that she should have just gone with her new roommate. I did something I don't normally do and said,"ok,thats fine go ahead and go with her if that is want you want to do."  Then she began to just drama it up and I ended up cutting her short and walking inside my apartment.

When at dinner I brought up that she creates arguments. First it was a girl commented on a facebook post. I deleted my FB account. Then it was I had one two many female followers on Pinterest. I blocked all followers except her. Then I went to a new gym. She suggested I went there to meet girls. I didnt go to that gym ever again. It goes on and on. I try to fix the problems she suggests exist and a new one arises. I suggested couples counseling it took over three months to finally get her into a counselor. Then she said the lady was a quack and wouldn't go again. How can I restore trust with her? Things seem to be getting really ugly and end in an argument constantly.
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« Reply #3 on: November 03, 2014, 04:43:06 PM »

 Welcome

I think you've already figured out that it will be an endless cycle of this. She has shown you what, and who she is, and short of her getting in extensive therapy, and possibly getting on medication, this is HER. In a way, loving someone with BPD, can be a life sentence for us. We just have to love and accept them, and if you read enough here, you'll learn about radical acceptance. Boundaries help, somewhat, but I think bad cases of BPD almost see boundaries as a challenge, or a total affront to them. My uBPDh sure does. He can't even understand the concept of boundaries being meant to protect, he always insists it's about punishment. Even his own grown son has tried to explain that boundaries are a healthy thing, yet he just refuses to see any view outside his own. Of course, my husband also has VERY strong narcissistic traits as well.

WE can never truly make them happy, because 1) that is not our job to make them happy, and 2) this is their issue, and only they can seek help or face it(sometimes with our help if they so desire). I often tell my husband that it isn't his job to make me happy, but if he could work on his dysregulating, it would help me be happier, because who can live with the constant drama, anger, mood swings, and "off" thinking? Of course I don't say "dysregulating", but he does know what I mean. My husband has sought help finally, and is on medication. He was told he has intermittent explosive disorder, but I'm sure he'll eventually get diagnosed with BPD, because he was told by his psychiatrist that he has "traits of a personality disorder".

I also went to this same psychiatrist for help with my anxiety/depression, and was told that my depression is SITUATIONAL. I knew that, but it was a relief to hear it. I purposely chose the same psychiatrist that my husband goes to, because he wanted me to. When I came out, my husband clearly expected me to tell him it was ALL ME! He just can't face the fact that this isn't all me. He is classic BPD in that he projects everything onto me. I think having someone impartial, and qualified, tell him that my issues, are in large part being set off due to HIS acting out, didn't go over too well, but in the long run, may help.

The best we can do is to take care of ourselves, and give them clear boundaries, and let them work on their own issues. The hard parts are, we are never really able to share our worries, concerns, hurts or have any emotional expectations from them. I keep forgetting this, and it always turns out badly. He sees it as an attack, or something. He hates taking responsibility for the "how" of why I feel certain ways. He told me he "doesn't know if he wants to be married, finds other women super beautiful", and also loves leaving me in limbo about our marriage(if he'll stay or not)... .divorce threats were used to control, and scare me. Yet he doesn't see why I now have a few insecurities? It's like they can't face the truth, and admit they said or did anything that led us down this path.

If I'd known how hard this would all be before I married him, I'd have run. You are being shown what your life will be like. You did a smart thing by moving out, and getting into counseling. Do some serious thinking about staying in this relationship, no matter how much you love her.

Hugs to you. Keep us posted.
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« Reply #4 on: November 03, 2014, 07:01:19 PM »

 Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) You are getting some important things right here! Keep working on it!

I did something I don't normally do and said,"ok,thats fine go ahead and go with her if that is want you want to do."  Then she began to just drama it up and I ended up cutting her short and walking inside my apartment.

Great job there.  Turning the drama back down is VERY difficult, and often fails even with the best efforts. Ending it by leaving like this is very effective. Smiling (click to insert in post)

In addition, all the nasty things that you and she were likely to say 5 or 30 minutes into the drama never got said, and don't need to be forgiven!

Excerpt
I try to fix the problems she suggests exist and a new one arises.



First, her lack of trust in you has nothing at all to do with you. It is all in her head. Likely she doesn't believe that she deserves anyone trustworthy, and it comes out this way.

Second, when you give in to her demands like that, it isn't making her trust you. Because, again, her lack of trust isn't about you or your actions.

What can happen is that if you acquiesce to all her demands, you will have no friends and no other outside contact besides her. And this is very unhealthy for you!

Excerpt
I suggested couples counseling it took over three months to finally get her into a counselor. Then she said the lady was a quack and wouldn't go again.

Counseling for a pwBPD is tricky, and a subject of its own... .you can find more info in the lessons here.

Excerpt
How can I restore trust with her? Things seem to be getting really ugly and end in an argument constantly.

You can behave in a trustworthy way. You cannot make her trust you. It sucks.

What you can do is minimize the damage of the arguments... .by ending them quickly.
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krishna80

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« Reply #5 on: November 03, 2014, 09:04:53 PM »

Ceruleanblue: Yes this seems to be exactly what I have been going through. I at first went on xanax because when she would take off and leave me wondering, it would put me in a floor pacing state of anxiety. I no longer need it.

I can explain for 20 min how I "feel" and she typically just says, "I feel the same way". Which is frustrating. Other times I sit down and try to have a conversation she takes it as a threat. I have tried to explain that her actions cause a recoil reaction from me. She doesn't get it. Ex. She comes in the door and tells me we are over/done. So my son and I leave for the weekend camping without her.  Then when we return she is mad because we left her behind. She always says, "I cannot make you happy".  I like your response that it is not their job to make you happy.

She has been diagnosed  with being Bipolar years ago and has been on several different medications; Latuda, Topomax, Gabapentin. Her latest psychologist said she may have "parts" or a type of schizophrenia, leaning towards BPD. This Dr. she called a quack and refused to see her again. Latest I hear however is that she's found a new psychologist.

Grey Kitty:

Thank you for the advice here! I see what you're saying here about the lack of trust and it makes perfect sense, ha. In the future if there is one... .I will try to defuse the arguments and NOT play the game. It seems like I can change the subject before it becomes a mess. I've tried to recite the, "I'm sorry you feel that way, and I can see why you think that, but... ."

I realize I have put all my eggs in one basket by isolating myself from the world and it was most noticeable last weekend when I had nothing to do, or anyone to talk. I will reform healthy relationships and continue living in a trustworthy manner, just to take care of myself.

I texted her today and said that I was sorry I missed the movie. She said she cried during and it was a release for her to go by herself. I asked if she wanted to attend counseling with me and she said she felt we were to far gone.

Our relationship has an extra strain because our work schedules are totally opposite. She works nights at the hospital I work days.

I have read walking on eggshells quite some time ago, and I will also read the lessons here for a better understanding. Thank you.
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« Reply #6 on: November 03, 2014, 10:45:05 PM »

Ceruleanblue: Yes this seems to be exactly what I have been going through. I at first went on xanax because when she would take off and leave me wondering, it would put me in a floor pacing state of anxiety. I no longer need it.

I can explain for 20 min how I "feel" and she typically just says, "I feel the same way". Which is frustrating. Other times I sit down and try to have a conversation she takes it as a threat. I have tried to explain that her actions cause a recoil reaction from me. She doesn't get it. Ex. She comes in the door and tells me we are over/done. So my son and I leave for the weekend camping without her.  Then when we return she is mad because we left her behind. She always says, "I cannot make you happy".  I like your response that it is not their job to make you happy.

She has been diagnosed  with being Bipolar years ago and has been on several different medications; Latuda, Topomax, Gabapentin. Her latest psychologist said she may have "parts" or a type of schizophrenia, leaning towards BPD. This Dr. she called a quack and refused to see her again. Latest I hear however is that she's found a new psychologist.

Grey Kitty:

Thank you for the advice here! I see what you're saying here about the lack of trust and it makes perfect sense, ha. In the future if there is one... .I will try to defuse the arguments and NOT play the game. It seems like I can change the subject before it becomes a mess. I've tried to recite the, "I'm sorry you feel that way, and I can see why you think that, but... ."

I realize I have put all my eggs in one basket by isolating myself from the world and it was most noticeable last weekend when I had nothing to do, or anyone to talk. I will reform healthy relationships and continue living in a trustworthy manner, just to take care of myself.

I texted her today and said that I was sorry I missed the movie. She said she cried during and it was a release for her to go by herself. I asked if she wanted to attend counseling with me and she said she felt we were to far gone.

Our relationship has an extra strain because our work schedules are totally opposite. She works nights at the hospital I work days.

I have read walking on eggshells quite some time ago, and I will also read the lessons here for a better understanding. Thank you.

She is needy and seeks validation. So she makes a claim, you react by changing something in an attempt to appease her, this validates her view. So she makes another claim you react again... .It is not the individual issues that are the problem. It is the needy/validation process.  This will continue it until she no longer gets the validation fix by being able to provoke you into reacting in attempt to fix the trigger.

To stop the cycle you have to break it by not feeding it.

eg She says you moved out to see other girls, that is her problem, why defend it.

It is easier to deal with pwBPD when it is a choice, you are more aware of it being choice when you actually have options. This is clear to you when you are not isolated and have other interest outside the RS. pwBPD have insecurity issues so they will remove your choices (which are a threat to them) and isolate you with pressure. You loose your sense of choice and control. which they have taken from you. You values and self esteem go with it.
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krishna80

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« Reply #7 on: November 04, 2014, 09:07:16 AM »

Waverider:

Good point, I can see how I've been feeding into her. I made this point to her last night which may have been the wrong thing to do. I told her that every time she makes an allegation I correct it and she just comes up with a new one for me. Over the last 30 days I tried to correct everything in attempts to make her feel more secure and it didn't change a thing. I do feel much stronger as a person today than I have over the past few months and I plan to take care of myself and do things i want to do. Become me again.

I can see the insecure issues. She goes to hot yoga twice a day, runs four miles every day, lives off of cereal alone with no other food (no kidding), and she still claims she is overweight, and unattractive. She's beautiful and looks absolutely amazing.

I just got finished reading the No Contact portion of the lessons. Very interesting, because it seems like we go for about one week at the most before I break down and contact her.

The last time this happened, she told me she didn't want a relationship anymore and she was fine with being a crazy cat woman minus owing any cats. She suggested I leave her alone and that she needed space because she didn't trust me. This seems to be part of the cycle so I just told her I love her and I'm here for her when shes ready. I attempted to call and text a few times with no response from her. About five or six days went by and a friend contacted me Saturday afternoon to inform me my GF was seeking a relationship on Plenty of Fish, the dating site. That's when i picked up the phone, she answered and I confronted her. "So you don't trust me, but you would trust someone on a dating site?" She says that I wasn't talking to her. Then she said she was talking to guys online while she was at work for an ego boost. She was very apologetic and closed the site. 

I have found that when she is in control of things, everything is ok and she can treat me like garbage. When she is not in control things are different. I do find it amazing that neither of us have totally given up. I do however feel like we are growing tired of hurting and may fizzle out sooner than later.
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« Reply #8 on: November 04, 2014, 03:49:16 PM »

I told her that every time she makes an allegation I correct it and she just comes up with a new one for me. Over the last 30 days I tried to correct everything in attempts to make her feel more secure and it didn't change a thing.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Yup, you have figured out how well this works!

Here's what happens: When she makes an allegation like that, it isn't about you, and it isn't about the facts, or even about reality.

It is about her feelings. She is feeling something (insecure, for example) Feeling like she is worthless. Feeling that she doesn't deserve you.

Then in her mind, reality morphs to support those feelings. Thus you are cheating on her when you go to the gym, or want to cheat on her which is why you go to the gym.

No, it doesn't make sense to you!

Then what happens if you explain that reality doesn't match her conclusion? You are telling her that she is wrong. And whether what you say is true or false, correcting her is invalidating to her.

We say try not to JADE in response to things like that. Don't Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain against this sort of accusation. Because it doesn't work--it invalidates her, and she acts crazier, not healthier.

It is unnatural feeling, but easy to learn... .you will get constant reminders   --Whenever you DO start JADEing, she will just get more spooled up until you need to take time out from it. And looking back you see when you started JADEing and what happened from there!
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krishna80

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« Reply #9 on: November 04, 2014, 04:46:33 PM »

We say try not to JADE in response to things like that. Don't Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain against this sort of accusation. Because it doesn't work--it invalidates her, and she acts crazier, not healthier.

What would you suggest instead? I can try to change the subject or just give her a hug and assure her that I love her.

Its interesting how test book the BPD act, and how everyone here has a similar story
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« Reply #10 on: November 04, 2014, 06:39:48 PM »

What would you suggest instead? I can try to change the subject or just give her a hug and assure her that I love her.



Pretty much, plus tell her you hear what she is saying. That way it is not dismissive (invalidating) Stay away from saying you understand, you dont, and it can come back at you.

Its interesting how test book the BPD act, and how everyone here has a similar story

True but each person is an individual, you can fall into the trap that they are all the same and one response suits all. The things you read on here are things to consider not golden rules that apply to everyone. Just guides to give you some ideas to start with. assumption can make things scarier than they need be.
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« Reply #11 on: November 05, 2014, 12:05:31 PM »

Ok, I watched the lesson on validating but it isn't easy as it appears to be. For the most part it will be hard to quickly think of a validating statement. Up until today my BPD GF an I haven't been talking very much. When I give her space she usually comes back around.

Here is our morning text conversation she just got home from a 12hr night shift. I sure could use some feedback.

GF: "My biggest fantasy is of having your baby and us being married and living in a condo in the city together".

Me: Wowzers ok.

GF: I will mostly miss when you're swishing my hair when we sit close together"

Me: I love swishing your hair and being close to you lounging around.

GF: Me too, but I know you've talked and possibly touched others now.

      Ok... .here is where I tried to validate because I could see where this         conversation was leading.

Me: I hear what you're saying. Some people may think of that as being the best of both worlds. I however have an intense love for you. I have been waiting for you.

GF: You eye f**k every girl in clubs love. It's ok. Jealousy is stupid. You are not mine anywhoo

Me: I'm sorry you feel that way. I like to think that I am yours and you are mine.

Silence... .

Me: I love you, get some rest.
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« Reply #12 on: November 05, 2014, 01:00:09 PM »

It is amazing how textbook they are, I wish that textbook had an answer how to fix everything to!  My ex GF was exactly the same way only did not matter where I went that she felt challenged by other women, even the grocery store to buy food, she said I went there to meet women, same thing with stopping for a cup of coffee,  I have a hands-free headset for my cell phone and I would talk to her while running into a gas station to get a cup of coffeeand if the cashier was a female I was in trouble. Because when the cashier asked Will that be credit or debit And it was a females voiceit was painfully obvious to her that I start at this specific gas stationfor a cup of coffee to meet this ___!  It got worse and worse as time went on, every time we would argue because I did something like go to the grocery store which people have to do all the time to buy food, that meant that there were ___s there to and I was cheating so she would go right on a dating site!  That would happen all the time! When I tried to prove to her mother this is true I would go to the house and pick her upand take her to the grocery store with me which kind of backfired because females work there and females also shop therebecause they need food too! Her seeing the females in the store proved her theory correct to her that I was going there to meet women and all women are ___s, but not her of course, did you get the am a good woman thing to?  Mine would always say I'm a good Christian woman!  I don't know how exactly true that could be with these traits, I do not mean to offend anybody by mentioning a religion though, that's just what mine would say, feel free to insert your own religion in that slot!  But you're not alone Here! Plenty of fish was her site of choice as well!  And your text message interaction that you showed here I have millions of them!   My choice was to stay away from her until I feel she is serious about taking on her own issues!  I'm still waiting but feel if she does not want to do that then I don't have anything for a relationship anyways!  Good luckAnd if you find something that works let me knowand I will do the same
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« Reply #13 on: November 05, 2014, 03:41:35 PM »

Yes, validation is really hard.  Here's a critique of what happened:

GF: Me too, but I know you've talked and possibly touched others now.

What she was expressing was a fear that you were talking to and touching other girls.

Validation would acknowledge that you heard her concern. My first attempt would be:

"You sound afraid that I've touched other girls already."

Excerpt
Me: I hear what you're saying.

This is a decent start. If it were more specific about what you heard it would have been better.

Excerpt
Some people may think of that as being the best of both worlds.

I think the wheels fell off here.

This seems out of the blue, and is accusing of her of getting away with something... .and trying to deflect the fact that you are making the accusation by saying "some people."

Excerpt
I however have an intense love for you.

This is intended to reassure her, but it is invalidating, especially in this context.

She is NOT feeling loved by you right now. Her reaction will not be to feel loved and reassured once you say this. Instead, she will feel like you aren't listening to her / don't care about her, and are telling her that her feelings are wrong.

Excerpt
I have been waiting for you.

Same as the last sentence. I know you intended to reassure her, but it would feel invalidating to her too.

... .at this point, nothing was going to save this conversation... .which was pretty obvious by her next response.
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krishna80

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« Reply #14 on: November 05, 2014, 08:21:58 PM »

GF: Me too, but I know you've talked and possibly touched others now.

What she was expressing was a fear that you were talking to and touching other girls.

Validation would acknowledge that you heard her concern. My first attempt would be:

"You sound afraid that I've touched other girls already."

Lets say she just responded to this above with I just don't trust you. How would you reply? My first instinct would be to say, I have been completely faithful to you and you have my complete loyalty. This would defy the "JADE" rule though. And I cannot say, "I understand you don't trust me" because honestly, I don't understand why.

At this point I was afraid to ask any questions like "you sound afraid... ." about the subject all together to avoid a full out argument.  I realize it is more or less her insecurity over her actually thinking I'm messing around.

After I said, (continued from earlier post.)

Me: "I like to thing that I am yours and you're mine" she replied with.

(She woke up from sleeping before she starts her workout routine and replied.)

GF: That was a nice thing to say,beautiful. But on Sunday, did we not say things had changed?

(Sunday at dinner she left the date early stating she couldn't trust me and that she should have went to the movie with a friend. I cut the conversation off and basically said, ok if thats what you choose to do. I walked away and let her leave.)

Anyways, I had to try my hardest not to tell her she flipped out, and decided she didn't want to attend the movie with me and went with a friend instead.

Me: Sunday, you wanted to go to the movie with a friend.

GF: No, choose to meet up with you when I could have gone with her.

(again, i wanted to pipe in and say, well no, you walked out on our date early because you insisted you couldn't trust me and created an argument, and said you should have just gone with someone else.)

Me: That was very nice. It was good to see you even if it was only for a little while.

I feel like I defused the bomb for now. I would like to learn how to validate better. I can bite my tongue, and it seems like winning an argument by losing the argument is what it boils down to. Am I wrong?

And again, Thank You for your advice.
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« Reply #15 on: November 05, 2014, 10:17:14 PM »

GF: Me too, but I know you've talked and possibly touched others now.

What she was expressing was a fear that you were talking to and touching other girls.

Validation would acknowledge that you heard her concern. My first attempt would be:

"You sound afraid that I've touched other girls already."

Lets say she just responded to this above with I just don't trust you. How would you reply? My first instinct would be to say, I have been completely faithful to you and you have my complete loyalty. This would defy the "JADE" rule though. And I cannot say, "I understand you don't trust me" because honestly, I don't understand why.

At this point I was afraid to ask any questions like "you sound afraid... ." about the subject all together to avoid a full out argument.  I realize it is more or less her insecurity over her actually thinking I'm messing around.

Have you read our workshops on validation yet? There is a very subtle but important point. Validation is not agreement.

You don't understand why she doesn't trust you, so don't say that.

If you tell her that you are trustworthy, you are invalidating her. Don't do that either.

You could ask why she doesn't trust you. That could be read as an accusation (invalidating) or an honest interested question (validating). In person, non-verbal cues and tone of voice would make it clear which you were doing. In a txt, I wouldn't do that. "Help me understand why you don't trust me." would be better.

You could also validate her feelings. It must be hurt to not trust somebody who has been an important part of your life for a long time. It sure does hurt to feel betrayed. If you are sure she's feeling that way. (If you have any doubt, read my recent threads!)

This is really hard. It is often even harder to do in real time. Txt gives you a little while to respond which helps. It also masks the non-verbal reassurances, which doesn't help.

Practice helps too.
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« Reply #16 on: November 06, 2014, 01:00:56 AM »

"It makes me feel sad that you feel you dont trust me"

>its the truth

> you are telling her you hear what she is saying, without defending yourself or judging her

>You are telling her your truth as you see it, It makes YOU sad.
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« Reply #17 on: November 07, 2014, 02:53:52 PM »

Thank you for the responses.   

I watched the 60min video on validation previously but it was still confusing.

I have memory banked the validating responses you guys replied with and I will again read the lesson on validation.

I haven't been online for the past two days. Life with my BPD Gf has been fabulous so im soaking it all in while the getting is good. 

I need to see my daughter for her birthday this weekend (three hours out of town). I have prepped my BPD GF a week in advance even invited her (even though I know she has to work) and I kinda expect another s_it storm when i return. Uhh... .
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« Reply #18 on: November 07, 2014, 03:59:08 PM »

 Welcome

When you get a chance, browse the old threads. All of us have had these experiences, and you will find good examples. SET is not easy at first. The tiniest way you say something can change the outcome. And hey... .we are human sometimes we are going to accidentally trigger that dysregulation.

It's a challenge, but I promise you have a ton of support here! One thing though. It's not a good idea to let her know about this site or that you are on it. It will most likely cause a dysregulation.



Thank you for the responses.  

I watched the 60min video on validation previously but it was still confusing.

I have memory banked the validating responses you guys replied with and I will again read the lesson on validation.

I haven't been online for the past two days. Life with my BPD Gf has been fabulous so im soaking it all in while the getting is good.  

I need to see my daughter for her birthday this weekend (three hours out of town). I have prepped my BPD GF a week in advance even invited her (even though I know she has to work) and I kinda expect another s_it storm when i return. Uhh... .

Yeah, sometimes you know when something is going to cause a dysregulation. Hopefully, you can pick up some SET skills before then to soothe her when you return.
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« Reply #19 on: November 07, 2014, 05:10:58 PM »

I watched the 60min video on validation previously but it was still confusing.

I have memory banked the validating responses you guys replied with and I will again read the lesson on validation.

I really consider validation to be step three in coping with this illness, because it is subtle and difficult.

Step one is to protect yourself from verbal and emotional abuse. Enforcing boundaries works wonders.

Success at this lets you breath a little easier. You start getting stronger.

Step two can be almost in parallel. That is stop invalidating your partner. When you do invalidate your partner, dysregulation is coming next. So learn how to avoid it.

In addition, if you give your partner a bunch of validation... .but let just one little invalidating thing slip in there when you aren't paying attention... .it blows the whole thing up. It as if you hadn't even done all the good work validating!

So make sure you have that down first.

Once you are solid in those two, you will be in much better shape to work on how to be more validating.

Good luck and enjoy the honeymoon while it lasts!

 GK
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« Reply #20 on: November 07, 2014, 06:34:22 PM »

Step two can be almost in parallel. That is stop invalidating your partner. When you do invalidate your partner, dysregulation is coming next. So learn how to avoid it.

Agree with putting stop invalidating above trying to actually validate. It teaches you less is more, and is inline with the principle of stop making things worse before you can make them better. Your default is to say nothing rather than saying something wrong. It gives you time to pause and observe the real issues
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« Reply #21 on: November 08, 2014, 07:34:56 PM »

 

I still feel "clumsy" sometimes when trying to validate.  Also seems to be harder when I'm tired... .because I don't really want to think.

So... at night when the weird questions come... .I focus on not invalidating... and leave it at that.

Then... .in morning... I can usually snuggle... .validate... .validate... and head off to my day... .and she is usually in pretty good shape for her day
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« Reply #22 on: November 11, 2014, 10:23:29 PM »

Yep, you called it dysregulation.  My BPD gf sent me a rude text about 15 min before I arrived at my daughters birthday party. I haven't been able to see my Gf since. She has replied to a couple of my texts, but has been real short with me. Guess I get to wait around until she becomes lonely and misses me.  Until then I've been reviewing the lessons and trying to figure it all out. It still hurts in the mean time. : /
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« Reply #23 on: November 12, 2014, 05:48:19 AM »

 

How did you respond to those texts?
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