Newbie

[wayfarer]

Hi,

Male 48, previously divorced.

Just broke up with girlfriend/fiancee of 2-years. Had broken up about 6-months ago and got back together again.


Don't know what much else to say. Was auto-prompted to introduce myself. So many things are happening: emotional and otherwise.

The whole thing is sad. I thought the first time that she may have had BPD, but then convinced myself I was being dramatic and paranoid. My ex-wife, whom I was met in '94 and separated from in 2009, she, well I think she has similar traits. Perhaps NarcissisticPD.

I go from feeling guilty to feeling ashamed, to feeling free and hopeful, to feeling like I just not a good judge of things and maybe a lot of this is all self-generated in my head.

Anyway, I found what I consider to be the most balanced information on BPD here. ... .not some misogynistic rant, but not BPD-enabling or -apologist.

I feel stupid as well. And also really damaged. I am an introvert at heart. I'm embarrassed at a lot of what I felt and done with regards to perhaps being drawn to women with BPD. But at the same time, and I know logically it was time to get out before I crashed and burned, I am also emoldiended and enlightened by my relationship with this woman. Stopped drinking alcohol altogether. Lost 60+ pounds. Learning to become I really great home-cook. I have to remind myself all the time that I did those things myself. I did them, and they happened maybe as a response to what was very often a tortuous situation. Own it as they say.

Any thoughts? Perhaps leads to threads I could look into. Or questions that can help me think through things. I am very isolated. I have a therapist I see for an hour and that can be as much as every two weeks (or every week if I get someone to sit my son). But I have distanced myself from family. I feel I should call on someone but I'm embarrassed. I mean I went through this in detail with some of them before.  

Well that was supposed to be a couple of sentences  

Perplexed

****P.S. - I'm leaving this here for now but realize it is probably not the thread to be in. It is only here because the classification was based on me not being out of a relationship for a month or more. It is not meant to be a comment on anyone who is in a manageable situation and trying to improve things. Things were really crazy for me. There were times in the last two years when I would retire to a lockable washroom while at work, lock the door and hide for up to an hour. Just lie on the floor and cry or sleep. All for now.****

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[joshbjoshb]

Hey sir.

Good for you that you have moved on.

Most of us here - at least those who are more regulars - are people that knows how to look at the reality with open eyes. We are not afraid of someone who broke up with their BPD spouse / mate / friend.

One thing is very important for you to realize at this point is that you have a lot of work to do on yourself.

I read your post and see that you feel guilt, ashamed, embarrassed. But why? You did nothing wrong. You were only attracted to someone who happened to be BPD. Why are you so upset with yourself?

I am going to guess that you have a lot of internal feelings you have to deal with. Perhaps you are co-dependent and you were really attracted to the first trait of BPD, that idealization she made you as if you are the best in the world. Perhaps you are so desperate to be in a relationship that you ignored all warning signs. Maybe it's something else.

All of those who ever improved their relationships with BPD had to do some self searching at some point.

You are not with a BPD GF anymore, but you still need to do the same - at least to prevent you from a similar fate in the future.

Good luck, go and make yourself happy today

[wayfarer]

Thanks so much!

I am moving on (present tense  ). Trying to set strict boundaries. We did live together formally for over a year. So, there are loose ends to tie up. For instance, I am in the process of getting her off my lease. We may meet to talk over lunch today. I know some people suggest cutting off contact altogether but I don't think that is practical at this point.


I will do something nice for myself today 

Thanks

[Grey Kitty]

  wayfarer!

It sounds like you have a pretty good idea what you want to do. Good for you.

Can you describe your living situation with regard to her?

Has she moved out already, or is she staying in your apartment? Sleeping in the same bedroom? Does she have a temporary place to stay? A permanent place to stay?

Are there other joint things, like phone plans or shared accounts?

[wayfarer]

Hi, thanks.

Again, I think maybe I should move to another forum eventually with a link to this thread.

She has her own place with her own lease. About a mile from here tops. She is on campus. I work on campus and she does work and study there as well.

I live in an apartment and my son is here 1/2 time. Almost all her stuff is at her other place. She got it when I broke up with her in May-June.

Her name is still on the lease here. I'm getting the paperwork to change that tomorrow and she will comply. She will not give me the keys back until then. She hasn't been her to sleep since last Tues even. We haven't had sexual relations since the Friday before that at her place. (and crazily I can't remember if that was 1+ week ago or 2+ weeks ago.)

She phoned on Halloween evening after midnight and then just showed up at 2:00. I eventually had to basically kick her out to get her to leave. We have no other things jointly besides the lease here and her safety deposit box.

So, the apartment manager is on board and we can finalize the lease thing next week when I don't have my son. We will get my name off her safety deposit

Me her today for lunch which was cordial although also long (4-hours) and tortuous in many ways. On the walk home I was angry and confused at the things she said occurred in her therapy> basically I don't trust what she said.

Basically she said the psychologist she saw only this friday got her into see a specialist saturday who agreed with psychologist #1 that she doesn't have BPD, but rather multiple trauma PTSD. It is totally treatable in 6 (to 9 months). He will confirm that diagnosis next time, but otherwise it is certain.

Keeping boundaries for now. Did not kiss and hug.

Very confused.

What is the difference between PTSD, and ct-PTSD? I did a quick google and that left me confused.

I now have very definite trust issues. We've set up boundaries and not specific expectations except that we will work on ourselves independently, seek counselling, maintain separation (for the foreseeable future), and hopefully good things will happen in the future (unspecified)>

Yes, I guess I did not cut the cord completely. I just couldn't do it. but i will. I thought I should meet first and get my keys back and the lease changed> I am in limbo> She is on my facebook, etc.

I guess I should be patient for now? It seems if that I suspect things could never get better in our relationship in a reasonable amount of time. I have lost faith I guess. But I feel it better to do this without potential craziness and when it can be done cleanly and then move on>

?

Should I post somewhere else? I'm busy today (the 4-hour lunch and check-in did that with a circle of endless talk - some pleasant, some confusing, tortuous - but congenial but what left me exhausted).

Advice? Suggestions? Questions. A million things I could tell you... .

[Grey Kitty]

First, I'd like to explain my version of why to post on the "Staying" board:

We post here because we are committed to making things work better for us within the relationship we have.

Not because we are committed to stay together forever. Some members are intending to leave, but for logistical or financial reasons cannot for a while. Many aren't sure if they will ultimately make it or not. I bet all of us have wondered if we would make it at least once!

So in your case--I'd recommend you stick around here and get advice at least long enough to have a (relatively) smooth exchange where you get her off the lease, and get her keys back.

Second thought for you:

  You sound confused as heck by what she's been doing to you.   

You could post on Staying, Undecided, or Leaving about that. We've all been through it. You will be supported here on any of the boards.

And yes, it IS that confusing. She lives in a world where her feelings, RIGHT NOW, are what she always felt, past, present, and future. A world where any facts which don't agree with those feelings are wrong. And then when her feelings shift 180 degrees, her past, present, and any facts as needed shift with them.

It is natural to believe someone you love, but your reality doesn't shift like that, and it drives you batty.

Don't spend too long trying to imagine how it is living in her head, but I'd safely guess it is a worse place than yours!

Whatever... .stick around. Read the Lessons (in the right sidebar --->> > Keep posting. Share what is driving you absolutely nuts. Ask questions about what you could do better in one of the many crazy situations you expect to get in.

And lastly... .BPD, PTSD, or ct-PTSD? I really couldn't say... .but I think you will do better thinking about her behavior than her diagnosis.

For me, a better question was this: Do the Lessons and Tools here help me behave in ways that improve living with my wife? My answer was a resounding YES.

Hang in there!

[wayfarer]

Thanks. That is great advice> I will keep an eye out here and of course invite all questions, suggestions, advice.

I won't post again here again today but may check in.

I have also repost here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=236316.0

The introduction thread. So I will keep up on both. So glad this resource is here. I just need to figure out what to ask and say first. Also, get the general idea of how things work on the board.

Thanks so much!

[Turkish]

Hello wayfarer,

Grey Kitty has a good point about focusing on the behaviors rather than the dX. You came here because she exhibits behaviors that indicated BPD, and in this we can support you. Take a look.at the lessons at the top of the board, particularly Lesson 3 which civers the communication tools (which are good to use on anybody, actually, a difficult person or not). I have been learning a lot about validation, which helps me deal with my young children as well...

You sound like you're hsndling the situation well so far in your remaining interactions with her. You can certainly post to Leaving later to help you detach and make sense of the r/s. As you mentioned balanced resources, we also seek to understand our role in the r/s.

You sound like you've been taking great steps in taking care of yourself, and I'm glad you joined us.

Turkish

[wayfarer]

Hi all,

Well in a sense it doesn't matter, except that I have trust issues and really have sort of decided I'm not of the constitution to deal anymore with this relationship. So, in trying to stick to the decision to break things off in the kindest and safest way possible, I did want to know about the prognostic differences between the two.

I have symptoms of mild-panic/anxiety disorder, which has resulted in some depressive episodes over my lifetime when I get overwhelmed.

The interaction between us is like oil & water.

So when I initially thought it was BPD I looked at the current DSM criteria it seemed overwhelming clear, at least to me, that she has BPD.

I actually presented this to her and she agreed after doing some reading on it.

Now, (apparently) she has a therapist that say she has cPSTD, which from what I gather is highly related, but has a much better prognosis.

She has apparently done a lot of research on it. I think her behavior in sessions lead to that initial diagnosis (if that was the diagnosis, if any specific one was given by the therapist). She is highly intelligent. She is getting her PhD right now. The plans that were presented to me including us deciding to get married. When she graduated we would move to the USA (her home) together and find good jobs. I would make a new custody arrangement for my son and we would have him the whole summer and major holidays.

But although we talk in detail about how this would work, we never have ever seemed to make definite plans or get professional immigration or child-custody advice. She should graduate in 6-months, the time she say therapy for cPTSD takes.  barfy She is extremely possessive of me, with my son and even myself. She has often been jealous of my son and sometimes paranoid about him. Other times she is loving and so giving and supportive of him. They are actually great friends.

But in the two years together we have I've had 5 vacations with her (short or large) and one by myself the first time we split (that time she actually went crazy as she had no way to contact me when I was in the wilderness for a couple of days fishing). None with my son although we talk about what we could and will do all the time.

I don't know what is real or self-delusional with her love for me anymore and vice versa. I have little faith if it did work out in the US that seeing my son would actually be welcome giving past behaviors. AND I AM NOT ABANDONING MY SON>  angel

Also, after I finish putting her through college, she could just leave me. Change her mind impulsively. Or we could get to the states and before I even had a green card it could fail.

I've lost my faith and moreover the trust it takes to commit to a real relationship I believe. I feel suckered by all the promises of wealth and fame and love and dreams fulfilled that are destined in our future because we are a great team, that we are besherts, we are each other's persons> I can't take the walking around on eggshells, changing my personality as things go on, my core -- and all the rest of the roller coaster.

I love her and she loves me> I don't know if that is rational or real or crazy, but my gut tells me to get some gumption and stop this crazy train.

My brain and heart are often confused and hesitant and second guess everything. They are also embarrassed and ashamed and feel stupid.

She has the vast majority of the symptoms of BPD. No self harm as far as I can tell or risky behavior per se but her impulsiveness takes other forms.

Our relationship reads like a textbook example of how these relationships can form>

So I not really concerned with the label I put on it necessarily. I was using that to understand the behaviors, watch for behaviors, think about possibilities for change if any, etc. I know she has had traumatic episodes in her life, but all the other criteria and other hallmarks of BPD are there. And I'm not going to literally risk my well being, and life and future to be in an unhappy relationship wherein my partner is ultimately unhappy as well>

I think I'm out good people. my baggage See I qualified it! I will be around for knowledge and support and hopefully in the future I can give others great advice like what I'm getting myself.

In the next few weeks and months I want to do what is best for me. Take care of me. And I truly believe it will help her get help. I want nothing but the best for her. She has actually helped me grow in so many ways, despite the chaos and the fact that some of it was 'unreal'.

I will be around to look in. I will have more to say when I can run the new developments past my therapist.

I have already rambled on. I wish there was live-chat here (?).

Got her to sign the lease change. Hope to get the keys back this week. Then get off her safety deposit box. I'm looking forward to not pretending I think it might work (although I never say that!). I say we need some space and individual therapy and good things will happen.

When I can stop pretending I will feel free.

Doing the right thing

bfn