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Author Topic: Rollercoaster... down.  (Read 372 times)
Ladylove

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 24



« on: November 02, 2014, 04:58:02 PM »

My uBPDh and I were on a rollercoaster to hell... .it wasn't taking a turn, it was just continuing down.(This was all last weekend and last week) Nothing I did, I mean nothing... .really helped.  He has a concussion on top of this, so I realized I just had to wait it out. 

I was patient, I did my own thing. I was strong. I worked, ate slept, read, kept myself busy, felt TOTALLY ALONE( I didn't get married to be ALONE... .), anywho, finally, the light at the end of the tunnel was there this past Thursday.  He softened up, started being flirtatious, complementary, and began acknowledging me again.

Sometimes I feel like "how could I love him so much and keep hitting rock bottom HARD with him?", and then that flow of love and passion rushes in... .That happened Thursday.  I was looking so forward to making positive steps forward. When he and I start the rollercoaster upward again, something we like to do together is go to the gym, so we agreed today to go to the gym

We were having a totally productive day, and as we were walking out the door to go, he gave himself one last look in the mirror. I said "Come on babe, ya look good." (I've said this before to him, as he has said it to me, and we laugh). Not today.

He 'beaked' me all the way out the door, into the car, down the driveway about how I would have lost my mind if roles were reversed. I said nothing as I was waiting my turn... .but he didn't stop... .so, I stopped the car, drove back up the driveway, stopped the car as he was still talking nasty to me, and before I could speak, he got out of the car, SLAMMED the door, swore at me, and went into the house saying "have fun at yoga"

I parked, went in and asked what had just happened. He blasted me again for saying that. I told him I said that cause he did really look good... .I got blasted again (cause he read into my tone and assumed it was sarcastic)

I said I wasn't being sarcastic, but trying to be lighthearted as things had been looking up lately.

I got TOLD again

I said "look, I love you, I don't want to fight today", and then I said "I'm going to the gym, okay?"

He mumbled

I went to the gym, I sat in my car, and just sat there, and thought, how can I do this?(then I went to yoga, bought a book on meditation and felt a whole lot better about me... .until I got home)

How do nons control their excitement when things are looking up?... .I had no idea, no warning that this was going to go back down and so fast.

We haven't done anything physical in weeks(very rare for us), and when I get my hopes up that something might happen between us... .this happens.  I am so incredibly alone. It sucks. It hurts, and I don't want to open myself up to someone else who will begin to give me the attention and the rush, but everytime this happens, he loses me a little more(and then he tells ME when this happens that I'm losing him... .)

I'm running out of ideas and motivation to keep spending time alone when I got married for the opposite reason. I know a little bit of independence is good for everyone, but this isn't what I had in mind.

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Grey Kitty
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #1 on: November 02, 2014, 07:58:41 PM »

  Sounds really tough on you.

As you said, this isn't what you signed up for when you got married.

Reading your other posts, it sounds like this happened pretty quickly with him. How long a "honeymoon" did you have with him? (either before or after getting married?)

Have you read any of the lessons on how to better deal with a pwBPD here?
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Ladylove

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 24



« Reply #2 on: November 02, 2014, 11:47:35 PM »

GK

The honeymoon was when we first met.(we've been together almost 4 years... .married for 1) I'd say the honeymoon lasted about the first 8 months of our relationship, and then I met his mother, and the rest of his family.  Everyone seemed to have something going on.

Mom was really up and loving one minute and then emotionally abusing him over texts the next.  Dad was distant and defensive when he didn't like what he heard, and his brother was slowly losing his wife and kids due to his major depressive disorder. We don't live near any of them, but it would all affect him tremendously from a distance.  Then, I realized something seemed off in him too... .the rages started happening. We'd get in huge arguments because he read into something I said or did the wrong way.  He started assuming everything... .assuming i would leave, assuming I would cheat, asking why would I want to marry a monster like him?  Then telling me that he would kill himself if he couldn't have me in his life. I had no idea what this was, but I loved him and remembering that first 8 months with him kept me afloat... .sometimes we would get that rush back, only to watch it be crushed in front of me because I made a funny face.

This past year was awful. Awful... .A fight every second or third day about menial little things and then an apology and an "I'm #$%%ed up" would come out of his mouth. A total rollercoaster and mind %$&& for me.

Criticism about little things that I did ie- using a steak knife to cut vegetables instead of a newer 'sharper' knife.

I went to therapy, and I set a boundary and told him to go too.

My therapist and I sat there trying to figure me out because I felt like I didn't know who I was or what I had become, but then when she started prying into my relationship... .we figured out that I was walking on eggshells and being emotionally abused. I knew deep down inside my mind that something was wrong with him and how could someone who loves me so much(so he says) enough to leave a great successful bachelor life for me, do this to me?

I have no idea what he's doing in therapy, and I'll let him have his privacy in that.

I kept researching, and then, I found this site.

I have read some of the stuff here on coping. I read the book Stop Walking on Eggshells( in about 2 evenings), and i found peace in knowing that this was not just his personality, but something out of his control right now.

I'm devastated now though. I literally don't know if and how long I can do this for.

I'm trying some of the techniques to deal with him(SET), and he literally thinks I am the enemy- thinks that my caring nature is all BS and keeps telling me that I'm not being genuine.  Ever been between a rock and a hard place?

I'm really trying to hold it together, but I have a 6 year old to raise on top of this who sees me crying and sees him tense.  I read others posts on here, and I'm like "wow, that persons tough"... .I'm hoping I can get there, but I think I'm still mourning the loss of a really simple fun-loving, happy-go-lucky life that he once showed me and that I thought we had in store.

In every situation that comes up lately, I imagine myself just putting a "hard hat" on and repeating to myself to be tough be tough, set a boundary, empathize, sympathize, boundary, boundary, and then he responds good sometimes, terrible the next. 

I'm going to keep trying, but this is really exhausting
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Grey Kitty
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #3 on: November 03, 2014, 07:19:04 AM »

  My story took a lot of different turns than yours. Today I'm feeling very close to a point where I turned myself around from where you've been.

My first step was enforcing boundaries about abuse. I started leaving when the verbal abuse started. Ending the conversation or leaving when the accusations started. When the circular arguments started.

That was key. It had crept up on me over a lot longer... .I was at the point of wondering if what she was saying about me was true, even though it clearly felt wrong. I was getting worn down by the crazyness of it. As I stopped getting into it, I started finding more strength and resolve.

There was less I could do about the silent treatment, the unspoken anger or loathing. I did get better at going out about my own stuff, did less worrying about what she was thinking and when it would get better. That was very slow progress for me.

I got immediately to work stopping my own invalidation. Not JADEing

As those things cemented in me, I started working on validation, or using tools like SET.

In every situation that comes up lately, I imagine myself just putting a "hard hat" on and repeating to myself to be tough be tough, set a boundary, empathize, sympathize, boundary, boundary, and then he responds good sometimes, terrible the next. 

I'm going to keep trying, but this is really exhausting

When you are exhausted, you don't have to empathize, or sympathize, validate.

You don't have to stay in a conversation when you are having to work really really hard not to take it personally, and validate him while he's saying hurtful things.

If you take good care of yourself, especially over time, you will naturally find the strength to do these things. That is the time to do it.

When you are feeling hurt, confused, exhausted... .dial back to damage control. Don't make things worse. Don't say hurtful or invalidating things to him. Don't JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain). Give yourself permission for a time-out for any reason or no reason.

Hang in here, and keep posting. This community was a lifesaver for me. Still is.

 GK
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Ladylove

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 24



« Reply #4 on: November 03, 2014, 08:03:55 AM »

When you are feeling hurt, confused, exhausted... .dial back to damage control. Don't make things worse. Don't say hurtful or invalidating things to him. Don't JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain). Give yourself permission for a time-out for any reason or no reason.

Hang in here, and keep posting. This community was a lifesaver for me. Still is.

 GK

Thank you GK. You're very right about taking a time out and not JADEing. I have to work on this. I do a lot of a lot of the E - I try explaining myself in 100 different ways.  Usually something clicks with him around explanation #97, but yes, the cycle goes on and on, and we both end up exhausted, and resenting eachother.

Good advice. I am going to do my best to apply and I will definitely keep posting

Thanks again
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takingandsending
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Married, 15 years; together 18 years
Posts: 1121



« Reply #5 on: November 03, 2014, 10:14:18 AM »

Hi Ladylove.

Explaining ourselves is a natural reaction, but for a pwBPD, it's often felt as an invalidation of their feelings. If feelings=facts for the BPD, then any time you try to present facts from your point of view, they experience it as invalidating their feelings.

Grey Kitty is right. I have noticed that the more I have taken care of myself, the more strength I have to actually be with my uBPDw in an empathetic and helpful way. I have two sons, 3 and 9, so I really understand how difficult this all is when you are trying to be a parent to your child and also somehow cope with a dysregulating spouse. We just managed another Halloween this year - a time that should be fun for little kids, yet for my wife it triggers all sorts of security issues. Because of the communication tools and help I have received from this site, I was able to validate my wife's feelings while maintaining some boundaries that would allow the kids to still enjoy their time. It's not what I want. It's not what I signed up for. But I am happy for even the smallest positive steps, or mostly the absence of the extreme negative blow ups.

Keep working on the communication tools ... .not for times of dysregulation, but for the less stressed moments when you can both hear each other. Work on the boundaries for the times of dysregulation.

Re. "Come on babe, ya look good.", it's impossible to know, but a guess would be if your husband wasn't feeling good about himself at that moment, and if he was having some insecurity about how he looked, even that simple statement becomes an invalidation of his feelings. And trying to explain that wasn't your intent only further invalidates his feelings. Sometimes, a quick, "I'm sorry. I can see how hurt you are. I would feel hurt too if I thought you made a mean comment about my looks." might keep the train from coming completely off the tracks. My rule of thumb is to give SET/validation one try, and then begin self-care and boundaries.

Keep posting and let us know how maybe these tools are working for you. 
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Ladylove

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 24



« Reply #6 on: November 05, 2014, 11:58:09 AM »

My rule of thumb is to give SET/validation one try, and then begin self-care and boundaries.

Going to try this takingandsending... .I like this idea because if I try once and it doesn't work, there is a healthy back up plan rather than my usual trying to JADE.

I think I will feel better about myself walking away and taking a time out, knowing that I attempted the validation

I really have to start trying to get over the fact that he is not thinking like I'm thinking, and the explosion in that moment seems okay for him even though it's completely unreasonable to me.

So, I have been taking care of myself, and done my own things since that blow up Sunday.

Is this typical for BPD's: Because he sees that I am okay and able to take care of myself, he told me Monday via text that he had a good day but he's embarrassed about his reaction on Sunday (good, acknowledging the issue), he then went back to 'stable us' yesterday-very comforting, helpful, asking me about my day, and I gave him love back and acknowledged his helpfulness, but I continued to have my time- ie- yoga last night, bubble bath, glass of wine... .meditation... .me time

I went to bed, we cuddled, fell asleep, and today he gave me the silent treatment on the way out of the house leaving for his day- gave me a 'side hug' and said 'see ya'... .I'm not sure what happened between last night and this morning that I am unaware of... Do I leave this alone?

Did I spend too much time by myself?  I need to take care of me... .  I'm still deep down inside trying to 'let go' of the nastiness two days ago, along with trying to maintain a healthy balance of giving him the love and attention he needs right now.


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takingandsending
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Relationship status: Married, 15 years; together 18 years
Posts: 1121



« Reply #7 on: November 06, 2014, 03:44:25 PM »

Hi LL.

It sounds like you handled things very well, taking care of yourself.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

I wouldn't delve into what's bugging him. For me, with my wife, if it is something that is really bothering her, she will bring it up sooner or later. If it is something bothering her in the moment, and I don't engage in her rudeness (i.e. don't take the bait), then it usually dissipates.

A better way of saying this, give him the chance to figure it out himself. That's his job, not yours. The less rescuing I do with my wife, the more empowered she seems to become. All good.

And, by the way, I am so glad that he was decent to you when he asked about your day and acknowledged his poor behavior over the weekend. Those little things that build any positive regard are critical. Sorry that he derailed again. Maybe in time, you can watch him on the roller coaster and feel empathy as you wait with your feet firmly planted on the ground. That's my goal!   Smiling (click to insert in post)
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