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Author Topic: Do pwBPD sometimes have one person for sex, another for tenderness? Mine did.  (Read 405 times)
wakingfirst
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« on: November 03, 2014, 01:41:06 PM »

Do people with BPD sometimes separate sex and tenderness to the extent that they turn to a different person for each?  I'd really like to know if my story is unique:

My pwBPD & I had sex once, when I was 18 (he was 23).  It wasn't good - I was sexually assaulted at 13 and at 18 was still so frightened of sex I'd dissociate during it.  I fooled around with a few different men in college, and my pwBPD was the only one to notice anything was wrong.  After the first time, we never had sex again, but he became extremely protective of me.

For the next 12 YEARS we had an asexual relationship that was nonetheless physical - when together we often slept together, in each others' arms.  We hugged and held each other a lot.  When not together, we talked for hours on the phone, wrote to each other, sent each other presents (mixed tapes, jewelry).  He told me constantly that he loved me, that I was beautiful and that we had a special relationship no one else would understand.  I told him I loved him and always reassured him when he was sad/upset.

I had no sexual partners during this time.  He had several, including women he was very serious about.  His relationships seemed not to be very affectionate or nurturing, and eventually each of them ended in massive fireballs.  I was there each time to comfort him.  Neither of us thought this was strange - we called our relationship a friendship.

It's only now, years later, that I look back and think we were more intimate and intense than any friendship I've known.  Simply put, I was the source of tenderness in his life.  And I had a man who didn't mind that I was afraid of sex, who just wanted to hold me and protect me all the time.  At the time, that was what I wanted and needed.  Now I think that what we had qualified as a relationship.

Cut to now - lots of therapy and self-work later, I'm much better - able to enjoy loving sexual relationships.  I've realized that I've been carrying a lot of shame and confusion about my relationship with my pwBPD, and I'm trying to let go of that.  I'd be really interested to know if anyone else has had a similar experience.  Did our setup have to do with BPD, or no?  It's okay either way, I'm just trying to understand... .
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Craydar
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
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« Reply #1 on: November 11, 2014, 01:20:19 AM »

Anything is possible as they're not likely to have a firm grasp of the difference between reality and fantasy.  As I was being painted black and primed to walk the plank, she started dating another guy. I was very affectionate towards her, but towards the end I felt like she just wanted hard sex and kinky stuff from me. I'm not sure what role the other guy played, but she may have been making him wait and using me to vent her insatiable sexual appetite.
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wakingfirst
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« Reply #2 on: November 11, 2014, 05:40:40 PM »

 Craydar, sorry to hear about your ex.  That sounds so difficult.  I find myself back at the old question of whether the pwBPD is manipulating me (and you, and us).  I've had a number of people tell me my pwBPD (still a friend of mine) used me, manipulated me to get his own needs met.  Whereas I see it as a more benign thing.  I think he actually loved me to the extent that he could, and didn't set out to hurt me.  His whole idea of relationships is off-balance, clearly.  But I don't see him as cynically using me.  Am I just trying to let him off the hook?  This is why I wondered if his behavior was guided by his BPD.
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MissyM
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« Reply #3 on: November 11, 2014, 09:53:50 PM »

My dBPDh has been diagnosed with sex addiction and intimacy/sexual anorexia.  So, he is afraid of intimacy and is usually sexually anorexic. When he stared having sex with me, the intimacy was overwhelming and he flipped into sexual addiction.  I know of quite few spouse that have husbands that are sexually anorexic towards them and have sex with others.  This seems to be a common dynamic when people struggle with sex addiction and intimacy anorexia.  If you google intimacy anorexia, you will find this.  Basically, they feel engulfed by intimacy and therefore won't have sex with those they feel intimate with.  Not sure if it is a BPD thing or not, just want you to know there are quite a few people struggling with this same issue.  My dBPDh is different from that in that when he shuts down sexually, it includes me and everyone else.
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patientandclear
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Relationship status: single
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« Reply #4 on: November 11, 2014, 11:13:56 PM »

Just--yes. For quite some time I was the primary person my pwBPD felt tenderness with. Simultaneously he was seriously involved with other women, and those r/ships ended in a massive fireball. I do think he needed to separate the two.

During his other r/ships though I came to feel he was using me. I'd be his "person" except when I wasn't. I know he was making those other women feel tender connections too, just ones that didn't last.

I'm sure he would have continued in this way indefinitely, with no obligation toward me. Ultimately it came to feel really bad and it felt like I was being untrue to myself to share with him like that and then have him form intimate r/ships with others.

But yes. It seems like that split may be desireable for someone with BPD.
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wakingfirst
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« Reply #5 on: November 12, 2014, 10:14:07 AM »

Wow - that is all really helpful to hear.  Yeah, I also ended the 12 year platonic relationship with my pwBPD.  I started to get over my own trauma, and told him I was ready to have a full, committed, sexual relationship with someone and wanted it to be him.  He wouldn't give me a straight answer.  For weeks, he kept changing his answer, saying he didn't feel that way about me - then that he couldn't stop dreaming about me - then that it was a bad idea - then that I should come and spend Xmas with him.  I eventually cut him out of my life completely because I couldn't take the not knowing where I stood.  I felt like I was going crazy, it was very painful.

Now I'm happily married, and trying to be friends with the pwBPD (if it's possible - not sure).  We have talked about our shared past, but sometimes he keeps to his story line that I was in love with him but he wasn't in love with me so the friendship ended. Other times, the mask slips.  Like, recently he was drunk and told me on the phone that all he wants to do is hold me all night and "cherish" me - "but I can't, because you're married."  I can't tell you how weird it was to hear him say that after all this time!  It felt so good but yet it made my head spin.  I just need to try to understand our shared past, not for his sake or ours but for my own.  I really appreciate the feedback... .
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Craydar
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Posts: 177



« Reply #6 on: November 14, 2014, 01:53:30 AM »

Craydar, sorry to hear about your ex.  That sounds so difficult.  I find myself back at the old question of whether the pwBPD is manipulating me (and you, and us).  I've had a number of people tell me my pwBPD (still a friend of mine) used me, manipulated me to get his own needs met.  Whereas I see it as a more benign thing.  I think he actually loved me to the extent that he could, and didn't set out to hurt me.  His whole idea of relationships is off-balance, clearly.  But I don't see him as cynically using me.  Am I just trying to let him off the hook?  This is why I wondered if his behavior was guided by his BPD.

You could be letting him off the hook too easily but I believe everyone tries to get what they want by using some sort of persuasion. I don't know any guy who hasn't resorted to persuasion the get their sexual needs met. We're guys after all Smiling (click to insert in post) However, if he continuously did it with little respect and little regard for your feelings, then it's quite possible it was guided by his BPD.

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