SS22 relapses, UBPDmom in crisis

[NorthernGirl]

SS22 is an addict who has been to a number of treatment programs, but has often maintained he isn't an addict, he just went through an "addictive phase." His mom (UBPD) enables him when he relapses -- bribes him with money and stuff, pays off his drug debts, allows him to live with her, then kicks him out, until he calls again in crisis and then she takes him in again.

This summer, after a stretch of staying fairly stable, SS22 admitted he was struggling with depression and got a medical leave from his job. Then he admitted he was back using drugs and alcohol on a regular basis to "cope". He told SS24 he was using "hard drugs". Then he announced that he was giving up his rental place because he was broke and going to live with his mom. Then she threw him out. And now he is back with her again.

A few weeks ago the scathing emails starting coming. The first was from uBPDmom to DH -- tell him what a horrible father he is and how all of SS22's problems were because of him. Next came a phone call from SS22 to DH saying some of the same things (DH could hear his ex in the background coaching SS22.) Next was a couple emails from SS22 -- the first blaming his brother's bullying for all his trouble and the last blaming DH for allowing his brother to bully him. Today, I got an email from DH's ex (first time she has ever emailed me in 8 years of knowing DH.) My email is an echo of all that has come from her and SS22, except adding in the twist that I am "evil". It reads of someone raging (lots of CAPITAL letters).

I realize that I am just the new target because DH hasn't been reacting. He ignored his ex's email. He calmly replied to SS22 echoing what he has said for years. DH's ex isn't getting the fight from DH that she likely wants and so has likely turned to me hoping her note will either set off DH, or I will engage. I know enough not to respond but will keep the email in case she escalates this and I need to get a restraining order.

The truth is that SS22 and his mom are likely both in a very bad place right now. SS22 has run up drug debts and decided that he must turn to his mom. He is either still using (which means he is stealing because he's broke) or is trying to go through withdrawal at his mom's place. SS22's mom is also likely in a very bad place. She has come to SS22's rescue again (he is her golden child) then threw him out (likely because he would have had to steal from her) and has now taken him back in again. They will be confined to a small place in a city neither of them know. DH's ex moved a few months ago to be near SS20 (who has special needs) as she believes he needs her in order to manage (SS20 disagrees, but it didn't stop his mom from moving).

In the past, SS22 has been able to detox on his own but it got harder and harder for him to do each time he relapsed. SS20 told DH the other day that it will be months before SS22 can get into the program that DH's ex has selected. She wants him to go to a center for dual diagnosis. SS22 says he believes he has Avoidant Personality Disorder (I'd never heard of it, and when I read about it, it doesn't seem to fit -- but I have no idea what SS22 is going through at the moment.) I'm guessing that one of SS22's caveats for him staying with her is that he must denounce his father and admit he has a PD.

We have refused to take SS22 into our home when he relapses because of his lying, stealing and manipulation. We have a contract with him (set out years ago by SS22 with help from his T) that we still use if SS22 asks to live with us -- it outlines what must be in place including that he must be actively participating in counselling and be clean. DH has offered to pay for counselling and support for SS22 many, many times -- but he always refuses saying he's not ready or that he's tired of counselling. His best T told us years ago that until SS22 comes to grips with his mom's BPD, SS22 will struggle to manage his addiction. This seems to be coming true. SS22 rarely spoke about his mom in most of his counselling sessions and when he finally did and she figured it out, she raged and fired the T. She's fired all his Ts or pulled SS22 from the program.

I'm so concerned for SS22. This feels like life and death stuff. No doubt he's either using or in withdrawal. He was depressed and anxious before all this, so must be even worse now. How can he manage in this state, while living with a disorded mom, for months?

I've suggested that DH look into a program for SS22 if SS22 calls and asks for help. Not all programs work the same -- many require doctor referrals, detox first, etc, etc. SS22 doesn't have a phone (sold the last two his mom provided) so DH has no way to reach him except via email, which is clearly being read by DH's ex. But if SS22 calls, I think DH needs to be prepared with an option. And so we wait.

This combination has disaster written all over it. It is hard enough knowing that SS22 has relapsed but it is infinitely worse with the influence of his mom. I know there is nothing any of you can do (and have also posted on the Parenting board to get ideas) so this is just a vent. Sigh.

[Matt]

Well the good news is, when your stepson is ready, rehab can work.  My son was never clean and sober from 12 to about 28, except a few months he was in jail.  But when he was finally ready, and I had found a good program, he did very well - it took two six-month stints - and now he's been clean and sober for more than six years.

(Last week he told me "I blew it!" - he broke his ankle and the doctor gave him an addictive drug for the pain.  But he only took it for about 24 hours, til the pain was reduced, and just ibuprofen since then.  So no big deal.)

While he was in rehab, I met a bunch of other "students" there, and most of the staff was recovering addicts - people with horrible pasts but clean and sober for many years.  There is no doubt that a good program can work, and an addict can get into recovery and have a great life even after many years of using, lying, and stealing (which all pretty much go together).

But... .

SS22 is an addict who has been to a number of treatment programs, but has often maintained he isn't an addict, he just went through an "addictive phase."

... .which makes it clear that he isn't ready.  His mom is "enabling" him - most addicts have at least one person in their lives fixing their messes and allowing them to keep using without experiencing the consequences of their behavior.  But the key is for your stepson to decide he that he has a problem and needs help, and that he is ready to accept help;  til that happens there is very little you can do.

You can let your stepson know that you care about him and you want what's best for him.  You can offer to talk with him when he wants to talk about his issues.  You can let him know that you have looked into options - I checked out every rehab facility near where we lived so I knew what options there were - and you can talk openly with him, if he wants to, about what options there might be that would be affordable, and if you would be able to help pay for it, or help him find some other source of funding.  (Funding is one of the biggest reasons addicts give for not getting help.)

But beyond that, you can't fix him or "make" him go to rehab.  And as long as his mom continues to enable him, you probably can't make an "intervention" work - that requires that all his options are closed off except rehab.

So... .you will probably need to hang in there and make sure he knows you want what's best for him but that you won't enable his drug use.  He may have to reach his "rock bottom" - something worse happening to him - and there's no way to know how low he might have to go before he decides to get help.  For some addicts it might be something not too bad, like waking up in your yard.  For others, it might be worse.  My son had to go to prison for four months, then get out and relapse within 48 hours - and get busted by his probation officer and taken back to jail - before he finally accepted that he needed help.

It's a very difficult thing for a parent to accept that this is mostly beyond your control, but it's a fact and you can get help too - try Al-Anon or find a counselor for yourself (I did both of those).

I wish it was easier but I've followed the progress of quite a few people I met at my son's rehab, and that's how it works - we work on our own acceptance until the addict decides to get help, and then while he gets help, and afterward, we work on our acceptance some more, because there will never be any guarantee that he won't relapse, even after rehab.  It's a forever thing, but once he gets help, if he's committed, it can go much better.