baby steps

[jedimaster]

Just posting for accountability/proud of myself for trying.  I'm trying to be more attentive to my responses and not give in to old patterns/habits.  Last night my uBPDw accused me of some off the wall thing (there are so many I keep forgetting them) and rather than take the bait, I just looked at her for a second, kind of said "mm-hmm" and went on.  She acted like it threw her off stride momentarily, and then she too just went on to something else as if nothing ever happened.

This morning she summoned me downstairs and proceeded to tell me she needed a bunch of stuff moved out of a room, and then started telling me all the places it couldn't go.  I kind of grinned and said, "Well that kind of limits my options, doesn't it?" and said that I would find an appropriate place in a while and put it away for her.  (I work from home and was in the middle of something I needed to finish.).  Of course since I didn't immediately jump as high as she commanded she got huffy and said, "Well I can just put it all back where it was."  I said, "Well, OK; that's your choice," and headed up to work.  After she put it all back up she came up to ream me out properly and accuse me of being controlling (never mind it was she who was taking over my workday.)  She has a party this weekend and she informed me that I had better do my best as far as helping her get ready.  I calmly told her I was happy to do my best, which I always do because I love her, and that I understood that she had a lot of pressure right now.  She left totally un-pacified, but later I got a very chatty email with an apology because her migraine was causing her to behave so badly.

Not a major breakthrough, but just a nice validation to me that the techniques work, and the world won't come to an end if I pick my battles and gently stand my ground.  Just had to report

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ColdEthyl]

Very awesome! Good job! That's the kind of progress we love to see! My dBPDh does the same things and his responses are similar. That IS VERY GOOD VALIDATION from a pwBPD!

[Grey Kitty]

Those were real steps.

They just felt like baby steps because you were shaky as you did them.



As you get used to it, it only feels better!

[jedimaster]

Well of course we had to have another "session" tonight just to cap things off, but I still managed to keep my cool.  I stumbled just a bit, caught myself trying to JADE, but managed to get back in the groove and eventually smooth things out.  I noticed two significant feelings as we were having our little "together time."  One was the huge feeling of empowerment to understand that the accusations she was making really were as ridiculous as they sounded, and sprang from the disorder and were in no way a reflection of me.  Talk about "sticks and stones"!  

The other feeling was when I could see real pain in her eyes, underneath the harshness and the anger. I really hurt for her.  It hurt to see a loved one in such emotional pain knowing there was really nothing I could do about it.  I realized this is very much like dealing with a spouse with a terminal illness.  All of the validation, SET, etc, is in a sense palliative care.  In trying to "cope" with this relationship I am emotionally holding their hand, changing the sheets, etc.  All the things one does for a cancer patient that are helpful but do nothing to ease their real suffering or change the course of the disease.  It brought clarity and perspective to the situation but it also only enhanced the reality.  

I am working to get myself out of the Caretaker role for my wife and put some much-needed focus on myself.  I know that as difficult as it is, that is what is best for her and for me.  Hopefully as I do so I can think of this process not as a battle of wits or of wills, but as doing what is best for us both.  Tonight once I realized I had genuine sympathy and empathy for her, it was much easier to let the comments roll off and focus on her pain.

[takingandsending]

jedimaster,

I am really happy for you! Thank you for sharing that. And it is a surprise when you stop reacting and don't take the bait, how it can open your eyes to the incredible amount of pain that your spouse is in. I have had that same experience with my wife.

Just remember to go easy on yourself when you forget and do JADE, or also that sometimes, it's okay to not be perfect and just let your feelings show now and then. All relationships are a dance, but a relationship with pwBPD is a bit more intricate and harder to learn the steps. Sure sounds like you are getting there.

 

[waverider]

What you are learning here is to separate the disorder from the person. This take resentment down a notch, increasing better clarity of response.

These sorts of tools wont always stop the roof from caving in, but it means you wont be under it when it does.

[Robins0n]

Congrats jedimaster! 

I realized this is very much like dealing with a spouse with a terminal illness.  All of the validation, SET, etc, is in a sense palliative care.  In trying to "cope" with this relationship I am emotionally holding their hand, changing the sheets, etc.  All the things one does for a cancer patient that are helpful but do nothing to ease their real suffering or change the course of the disease.  It brought clarity and perspective to the situation but it also only enhanced the reality.  

I am working to get myself out of the Caretaker role for my wife and put some much-needed focus on myself.  I know that as difficult as it is, that is what is best for her and for me.

Fully agree with your understanding of the situation! I believe it's an important step to accept this reality. I came to that same conclusion very recently myself and feel as if I'm finally able to use all this energy that I've wasted in the past (improper communication/being defensive, trying to "cure" or otherwise change her, etc.) for things that might actually work like proper communication (e.g. SET) and focus on my own needs.

[Mono No Aware]

May the force of positive validation be with you.

[ColdEthyl]

May the force of positive validation be with you.

[guy4caligirl]

What you are learning here is to separate the disorder from the person. This take resentment down a notch, increasing better clarity of response.

These sorts of tools wont always stop the roof from caving in, but it means you wont be under it when it does.

Can you pose tell me what is jade ?

[takingandsending]

Hello guy4caligirl

Justify Argue Defend Explain = JADE

Often perceived as invalidating by a person with BPD. It's like adding gasoline on the fire when a person with BPD is already upset/dysregulated. Best not to do it if you can stop your instinctive reaction.

[waverider]

Hello guy4caligirl

Justify Argue Defend Explain = JADE

Often perceived as invalidating by a person with BPD. It's like adding gasoline on the fire when a person with BPD is already upset/dystegulated. Best not to do it if you can stop your instinctive reaction.

Biggest issue with JADE is it pushes you off the point until you are defending a completely different issue were your excuses are getting weaker, until you snap in frustration.

Ever had an issue blow up and you end up squabbling about something completely different and off the point? It is probably you going into JADE that got you there. You have gone from conflict resolution to conflict win/lose, a battle of wills, which you usually lose.

[jedimaster]

Biggest issue with JADE is it pushes you off the point until you are defending a completely different issue were your excuses are getting weaker, until you snap in frustration.

I am learning you cannot argue with a pwBPD with facts.  You are using the wrong tools.  It is like using calculus to prove that butterflies are prettier than unicorns.

[Jessica84]

Biggest issue with JADE is it pushes you off the point until you are defending a completely different issue were your excuses are getting weaker, until you snap in frustration.

I am learning you cannot argue with a pwBPD with facts.  You are using the wrong tools.  It is like using calculus to prove that butterflies are prettier than unicorns.

Great analogy! In math, there are solutions to every problem. Life is a bit trickier, and dealing with BPD is even more challenging. But with any kind of problem solving, it's best to make sure you're using the right formula! I think you're onto something here.

[maxen]

Biggest issue with JADE is it pushes you off the point until you are defending a completely different issue were your excuses are getting weaker, until you snap in frustration.

i was the poster child for that  

i was so easily distracted, and angered because i knew it was an unwinnable situation: even when i validated (somehow i learned to do that by myself) she would just move the topic to something else i had done (or hadn't in fact done). i was insecure in the validity of my own assertions, and so insulted at her accusations and at her utter lack of appreciation for the things i had, in fact, done that i became frustrated, sometimes furiously, and she never forgave me for it. it was bad for me (i felt awful afterwards), bad for her (i really got hot sometimes which can't have been fun to be on the receiving end of, though i suspect it confirmed her victim status), and bad for us (she cited it as a reason for bolting).

it takes communication skills, but it also takes a fundamental security within yourself, to hold to your position and enunciate (not shout) it, validating your SO's feelings all the while.

sorry, i know this is the Staying board, but this remains a painful episode for me. Stayers, please employ the techniques!