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Rockylove
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« on: November 05, 2014, 02:42:06 AM » |
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My dear, sweet, crazy, disfunctional husband suffered a major stroke on the 25th of October. He's right side paralyzed and cannot speak. After a 2 day battle, I got him to agree to go to rehab, but he would only stay 3 days. I've brought him home and I can't tell you how exhausting it is. Just venting.
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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
 This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.
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KateCat
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« Reply #1 on: November 05, 2014, 08:27:53 AM » |
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Oh, gee, Rocky!
How lucky he is to have you in his corner at this crucial time.
Do any of the doctors offer a prognosis yet? Would it likely be an advantage for him to return to rehab, or is that not essential to his recovery?
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #2 on: November 05, 2014, 08:56:45 AM » |
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I'm so sorry.
Look for ways you can take care of yourself too. I know you are doing everything you can for your H.
GK
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KateCat
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« Reply #3 on: November 06, 2014, 07:40:24 AM » |
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Grey Kitty's thoughts on taking care of yourself make me wonder if it would be a good idea to have a consultation with an attorney to make sure you are protected legally, in case anyone questions the fact that your husband is choosing not to participate in formal rehab. (I've noticed that caregivers to vulnerable people can be carefully scrutinized--and questioned--by people whose occupations require them to detect and report abuse. It can be a disturbing situation for a caregiver who is trying valiantly to carry out the wishes of a family member, when those wishes don't coincide with doctors' recommendations. My late father was a very willful super-elder who stayed in his own home and refused care until the last minute. He also refused to let anyone bathe him or cut his nails. So when he finally agreed to go to hospice, the social workers were suspect of elder abuse upon his arrival. Totally understandable, but an added misery to family.)
I hope you guys are getting help and support.
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Cat21
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Posts: 183
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« Reply #4 on: November 06, 2014, 08:32:16 AM » |
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Oh, Rocky. I'm so terribly sorry. How difficult it must be for both of you. Was he not required to stay in the hospital for a certain amount of time? I can't imagine how you must be feeling. Healing thoughts to you.
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Rockylove
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« Reply #5 on: November 07, 2014, 06:31:34 PM » |
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Thank you all for your thoughts. My husband is clearly not functional on his own and I have lots of support from family and friends. I also warned him that he'd better be cooperative and that the almighty "they" would put him in a nursing home and wipe out his life savings if he wasn't. He's been really wonderful. I had the hospital start him on anti-depressants immediately and he seems to be in decent spirits.
He was released from the hospital but there is no requirement for rehab. I told him that I needed to learn how to take care of him so he agreed to the 3 days at the in-patient rehab. It was horrible. The therapy was awesome, but the rest of it may as well have been prison. I hated it as much as he did. They charged us $6000. up front and it's $1,200/day. The care outside of the 3 hrs of therapy a day just wasn't worth the money. He's better off here at home with our puppies (and me) to love on him and entertain him... .and he's getting food that is recognizable as FOOD! WOW! I had to give them some Jersey Girl attitude. Funny... .haven't heard anything about the bill yet.
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KateCat
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« Reply #6 on: November 07, 2014, 06:44:30 PM » |
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I also warned him that he'd better be cooperative and that the almighty "they" would put him in a nursing home and wipe out his life savings if he wasn't. Boy, that's for sure! If you can keep him out of that system, that's wonderful.  |
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Rockylove
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« Reply #7 on: November 07, 2014, 07:14:13 PM » |
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He agreed that I should have power of attorney. There is so much paperwork to do right now and I'm overwhelmed. I'm going to have to rely on some friends/family to help me sort through it all. His family isn't all that helpful but I know I can count on mine. Whew!
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KateCat
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« Reply #8 on: November 07, 2014, 07:44:21 PM » |
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And probably a visit to a trusts and estates attorney at some point, to make a plan to manage and preserve assets?
, legal paperwork is so unpleasant.
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #9 on: November 07, 2014, 07:47:01 PM » |
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You sound wiped, but holding together for now. He agreed that I should have power of attorney. Also consider durable POA (normal one lapses if he is incapacitated), and Medical POA (or equivalent) Uhg more paperwork. |
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KateCat
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« Reply #10 on: November 07, 2014, 07:57:55 PM » |
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Oh yeah, and probably a "living will" (aka "advanced health care directive," or whatever it is called in your jurisdiction). A huge pain, but it feels good no matter who you are to have these documents in hand.
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Rockylove
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« Reply #11 on: November 07, 2014, 08:40:14 PM » |
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UGH! Grey Kitty... .it's all Greek to me! I'm lost but I'm hoping an old friend (an attorney) can point me in the right direction. This is something my h and I discussed but never put in place. At least he had a will drawn up so I won't lose the house. A few things need to be changed and we'll deal with that directly, but right now it's important that I access the funds to get him the therapy he needs. It's all exhausting. I spend so much time preparing special foods (pureed) and getting him cleaned up doing his daily therapy and all the regular household tasks... .it all seems impossible. His doctor told me to get the paperwork in for disability and I've spent 3 days trying to complete it. UGH UGH AND UGH!
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KateCat
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« Reply #12 on: November 07, 2014, 09:31:25 PM » |
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I think a single attorney can draw most of this stuff together for you, so that it's all interconnected and efficient. (I mean, apart from the disability application, maybe.)
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formflier
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« Reply #13 on: November 08, 2014, 06:28:50 AM » |
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Please google for pre paid legal services... .or monthly legal services.
I have one... .costs me just less that $20 per month. Basically unlimited phone advice... .special rates with network attorneys (to see them in person)... .you can fax in documents and they will review.
Very handy to talk things over with an attorney... .
Kate has nailed it! I want to spike it again.
Keep a diary... log of events and decisions. So you can help put it together again if asked why you did this and that...
You need to make sure the actual papers generated come from a single source... .ONE ATTORNEY This is not contrary to the phone advice. That is for education and quick questions... .maybe a second opinion.
But very important that you make sure that no papers conflict with each other... .using one attorney does that...
Thank you for caring... .thank you for doing this. The way you are honoring your r/s , your husband, your marriage vows is heartwarming.
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Rockylove
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« Reply #14 on: November 09, 2014, 06:08:19 PM » |
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You need to make sure the actual papers generated come from a single source... .ONE ATTORNEY This is not contrary to the phone advice. That is for education and quick questions... .maybe a second opinion. I'm so overwhelmed with the daily things that I'm at a loss with all of this. Seriously, it takes me hours to prepare his food (pureed), bathe and dress him, get him to the toilet, do his exercises, take him to his appointments, etc. I've so little time for doing all the paperwork that I feel like I'm drowning! His family is no help. His mom just wants to put on rose colored glasses and his brother is too far away to offer anything but advise. His son that lives closest is an alcoholic that I'd just as soon throw a big brick at than look for any help from. I've no one but my sister and I don't want to put too much burden on her for something that his family should be helping with. Such dysfunction! Grrrrrrrrrrrr |
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formflier
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« Reply #15 on: November 09, 2014, 06:35:56 PM » |
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Can you post some about what reaching out to you sister would be like?
Explore that some.
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Rockylove
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« Reply #16 on: November 09, 2014, 07:24:13 PM » |
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Can you post some about what reaching out to you sister would be like?
Explore that some. My sister is an angel. She's the most generous soul you'd ever want to meet. Her husband died several years ago and she never had children so she sort of clings to me. I don't mind so much but I don't want her to extend herself on my account. She will do whatever you ask of her but is very co-dependent so I don't like to ask much. Besides... .it's not HER responsibility to take care of my husband's affairs. That should be up to me and HIS family. They are not there so it's on me. |
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KateCat
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« Reply #17 on: November 09, 2014, 09:02:24 PM » |
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My mother-in-law was a left-side paralysis stroke victim for 20 years, and even though she could speak clearly and bathe and feed herself for most of those years, it took the participation of the whole family to keep everything going over time.
These are early days, and you probably need big help right now. Is there any possibility you could enlist your sister just for a particular period of time, while making sure that you don't come to rely on her over the long haul?
Has your husband had any change of heart (or change of personality due to the stroke) such that he is ok with others helping him out with personal care?
Have you had a chance to hook up with any disability services or other social services yet?
You must be totally wiped out right now.
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #18 on: November 10, 2014, 06:00:25 AM » |
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You sound pretty overwhelmed, and the situation really merits it! My sister is an angel. She's the most generous soul you'd ever want to meet. Her husband died several years ago and she never had children so she sort of clings to me. I don't mind so much but I don't want her to extend herself on my account. If you don't want to get her too involved, can you delegate specific things to her? Especially if they are things she is good at, or at least better at than you are. How about asking her to research the legal issues for you... .can she help you find a lawyer, or do internet research about what legal options apply to you for this going forward... .or just read through the pile of paperwork you already have, sort it out, do the obvious things and consult you on important things? |
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formflier
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Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076
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« Reply #19 on: November 10, 2014, 07:53:44 AM » |
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You need the help... .you need your sister to help you. At this point... .I wouldn't worry about what is "too much"... .
You need the help... .
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Rockylove
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« Reply #20 on: November 12, 2014, 05:37:45 PM » |
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I DO need the help! I've had the worst day thus far. He's just been a cantankerous snot all day and I'm over his demands! I'm only one person and I have to do everything for 2 right now. Plus I'm trying to get the house back in order after the construction and keep up with daily chores. I'm just beat.
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KateCat
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« Reply #21 on: November 12, 2014, 07:51:02 PM » |
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Has he regained his ability to speak, and can the two of you discuss how daily routines will go at this time?
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KateCat
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« Reply #22 on: November 12, 2014, 09:02:35 PM » |
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Could you hire a home health-care worker for a few hours a day, just until everything settles down and a "new normal" emerges?
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Rockylove
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« Reply #23 on: November 13, 2014, 09:56:57 AM » |
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he has not regained his speech so everything comes out da da da da it's like arguing with a toddler! I don't know that getting out of the house would do me any good right now. Money is tight enough. I'm more confident in leaving him while I go upstairs now so I can work in my studio a bit. Just trying to maintain my sanity
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KateCat
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« Reply #24 on: November 13, 2014, 10:08:15 AM » |
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I've noticed that a number of senior services in my community are also provided to people between 55 and 60 who have a disability. Transportation and day activity centers and so on. Would a call to a senior office in your area be worth a try?
Can he communicate by writing at this time? Or is it hard to get an idea of how he wants to handle everything?
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Rockylove
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« Reply #25 on: November 13, 2014, 06:00:27 PM » |
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Can he communicate by writing at this time? Or is it hard to get an idea of how he wants to handle everything? I know him so well that I know what he's thinking and saying. He's been doing crossword puzzles but his writing is so hard to read (with left hand) that I don't know if he's even close to getting the correct answers. He knows what is happening but can't communicate. He has apraxia which translates into garbly goo. Nothing comes out the way he's thinking. It would be difficult for someone to even understand if he wants something to eat. I tease him about his lack of Charades skills! LOL Whenever he wants something to eat he makes a motion like he wants a bl#w j#b! I'm sorry if that was crass, but it's so funny. I tease him about it and we laugh like idiots. at least he hasn't lost his crazy sense of humor! |
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KateCat
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« Reply #26 on: November 13, 2014, 06:34:06 PM » |
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Well, maybe that's what he always wants.  |
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Rockylove
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« Reply #27 on: November 13, 2014, 06:39:08 PM » |
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Well, maybe that's what he always wants. Lord only knows what he wants! LOL |
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