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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: uBPDxw doesn't understand why I don't TALK to her. Are they really this naive?  (Read 533 times)
mywifecrazy
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« on: November 05, 2014, 09:10:40 AM »

So my uBPDxw slips in the following comment during an e-mail exchange about our sons improper usage of the smart phone she bought for him:

"Just an fyi he is really trying to take advantage of the fact that he knows you don't want to talk to me - something I continually have to deal with, but that's fine."

I politely reminded her that it's her unhealthy actions that have caused me to limit our communications to e-mail only as a healthy boundary. These actions include moving in directly across the street from me and my sons with our family X best friend that she had affair with. She only sees our sons every other weekend so now they get to see her being Mother to his kids more than she Mothers her own kids   Forcing us to move (currently in the process of getting house ready to sell) as her and the neighbor refuse to do so, sons put in an awkward situation of having to go to the neighbors just to see her, all of this happening only 6 months after she left which my sons and I didn't see coming, etc, etc.

I had to laugh when I got her email. I didn't get angry and rip into her or act sarcastic (I guess I'm growing/healing). With my education here at BPD Family it made me think of her possible motives. Does she really want to talk to me or expect me to talk to her? Is she feeling guilty or shame because I don't talk to her? Is she projection something about her onto me? I mean my God does she really not understand why I wouldn't want to communicate with her in person when she's so heartless as to put me and her sons through the HELL of having her across the street. Are they really that clueless? Makes me wonder if she's sociopathic in addition to BPD. Every time I try to wrap my brain around her thought and actions I feel like I'm going... .INSANE!

Thanks for listening. Your thoughts are appreciated.

MWC... .Being cool (click to insert in post)

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The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. (Psalm 34:18, 19)
LazyAtoms

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« Reply #1 on: November 05, 2014, 02:47:45 PM »

In my experience with my SO's uBPDexwife, she is completely incapable of putting herself in someone else's position. All of her words and actions are ALWAYS about her and what is upsetting to her, or what she wants.  Even if the other party is actually the one being wronged, she will only ever think about how the situation makes her feel.  It sounds to me like she is bothered/inconvenienced by your son's phone usage, so of course she needs to take that out on you.  Nevermind that OF COURSE it makes perfect sense you would never want to talk to her again... .she can't see that... .all she can see is that your son is doing something that bugs her, and she needs to have someone to yell at about it or to blame.
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mywifecrazy
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« Reply #2 on: November 05, 2014, 03:20:03 PM »

Actually I'm the one concerned about our sons phone habits. She just bought him the thing and doesn't parent him on what's appropriate and what's not... .I have to do it!

You're other points are well taken. Thank You.

MWC... .Being cool (click to insert in post)
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The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. (Psalm 34:18, 19)
LazyAtoms

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« Reply #3 on: November 05, 2014, 09:18:46 PM »

Oh, I get it. 

Regardless, it is beyond disgusting that she can't grasp why you wouldn't want to talk to her.  Ugh!

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Panda39
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Relationship status: SO and I have been together 9 years and have just moved in together this summer.
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« Reply #4 on: November 05, 2014, 09:52:08 PM »

I don't even think it matters if she gets it or doesn't. She does whatever she has to in order to make herself feel better so she'll just blame the situation on you and "forget" anything she might have to do with it.  It's all about her pain suppression.

Her snide remark was designed to engage you... .don't.  

I see this with my SO and his uBPDxw all the time.  She is always trying to say or do things to get him to engage in conversation or an argument.  Any engagement positive or negative is better than no/low contact.  She frequently tests the waters/boundaries and he responds only to emails about the kids.

Don't engage.

Hang in there... .and get that house on the market!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

I think the sooner you and your sons can put some distance between the ex and the neighbor the better.
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"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
Swiggle
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« Reply #5 on: November 06, 2014, 08:54:39 AM »

I'm sorry you have to deal with this, not to mention her movng in right by you.

I agree with others, I think her snide remark was meant to engage you and it probably bothers her that you don't respond (anyomore). She has to blame you for the no/low contact because if it weren't YOU doing it she would have to take responsibility for her part and she isn't able to do that. When I stopped responding to my uNPex's behavior s, that may have once worked to engage me, he would find something new to try. As my T would say she is acting like a whack-a-doodle and trying to get you to react.

It is crazymaking and we will never understand. Good luck in getting your house sold so you can move on!

Swiggle
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“The value and quality of any love is determined solely by the lover himself.” ~ Carson McCullers
hergestridge
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« Reply #6 on: January 05, 2015, 03:04:05 PM »

This is becoming a problem for me and it gets worse over time. Since we split in june things have been working out better than expected and we have 50/50 custody of our daughter. I do most communication with my exwife through text, something she has trouble accepting. This she handles by finding all sorts of reasons to arrange "meetings" between her and me which I will have to fend off. These meetings - which she claims are just because "we need to talk, practical stuff you know" - have no set agenda and they are often preceeded by "I miss you" text messages and stuff like that, indicating that the physical meeting in itself is kind of the point.

I don't answer the phone anymore when she calls, because it's happened that she's just broke down crying after a couple of sentences and had to be comforted. And I'm not comfortable with that, no longer being her partner.

The trouble is I feel we  have a good communication and a working model for custody, but this is jeopardized by her insistance on "talking".

Even now when the relationship is over she has to put me in situations where I have to reject her and say no, even though she knows what this does to her.

Not answering messages at all doesn't feel like an alternative either, because I am afraid that can be seen as not cooperating.

What to do?
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milo1967
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« Reply #7 on: January 05, 2015, 03:16:31 PM »

Since our divorce I've had to deal with the same thing. Every few weeks XW expresses a desire to meet and "discuss" and scolds me for limiting communication to text and email. The reason for my evading and avoiding discussing in-person (or even phone) is simple: there is no "discussing" anything with her. It's simply a way to demean me, blame me, bully me, and browbeat me into submitting to whatever she feels entitled to--all with her favorite catch-phrase: "in the best interest of the children." 99% of the time it's all about her, not about the children. I've told her numerous times exactly why I don't wish to speak with her, but it falls on deaf ears. Around and around we go. I will speak to her if there is a true emergency with the children. Other than that? The written word suffices. My days of being emotionally abused are over, and so should yours be. But I know, it's hard. Who is this person who used to be my best friend and life-partner?

Strength
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hergestridge
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« Reply #8 on: January 05, 2015, 04:03:10 PM »

Thanks milo 1967!

I am starting to figure out what it's all about. Even if it's there is a lot of bullying and fighting, it's all about keeping you there.

We have some things left to set straight - we are still legally married and we still own the house 50/50 (basically, she has just moved out). But she doesn't want to meet up and get that sorted out, because then she would have even less hooks in me.

Consider how much she seemed to loathe me when he split, I can't believe that she won't leave me now that it is possible for her to do so.
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livednlearned
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« Reply #9 on: January 05, 2015, 04:13:58 PM »

"Just an fyi he is really trying to take advantage of the fact that he knows you don't want to talk to me - something I continually have to deal with, but that's fine."

[/quote]
This is one of those comments that is 100% empty. There is nothing in it. Unless she is asking you a reasonable question in a straightforward way, there is probably no reason to respond or engage. And same for any response or communication toward her.

I had to learn over time to decode messages. Easiest way for me to separate the empty emails from substantive emails is whether or not there was a transaction of some kind being discussed.

I also learned that my ex did not have a clue what was going on with S13, so any information about his inner life was always inaccurate, and therefore meaningless.
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Breathe.
mywifecrazy
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Picking myself off the canvas for the last time!


« Reply #10 on: January 06, 2015, 02:22:43 PM »

This is becoming a problem for me and it gets worse over time. Since we split in june things have been working out better than expected and we have 50/50 custody of our daughter. I do most communication with my exwife through text, something she has trouble accepting. This she handles by finding all sorts of reasons to arrange "meetings" between her and me which I will have to fend off. These meetings - which she claims are just because "we need to talk, practical stuff you know" - have no set agenda and they are often preceeded by "I miss you" text messages and stuff like that, indicating that the physical meeting in itself is kind of the point.

I don't answer the phone anymore when she calls, because it's happened that she's just broke down crying after a couple of sentences and had to be comforted. And I'm not comfortable with that, no longer being her partner.

The trouble is I feel we  have a good communication and a working model for custody, but this is jeopardized by her insistance on "talking".

Even now when the relationship is over she has to put me in situations where I have to reject her and say no, even though she knows what this does to her.

Not answering messages at all doesn't feel like an alternative either, because I am afraid that can be seen as not cooperating.

What to do?

Yes that must be difficult. Did she initiate the divorce or dId you? That must be hard for you as it plays on your emotions BIG TIME! It puts you in a position of having to be RIGID as she would probably misread your intentions if you acted more open. You don't want to give her false hope. Sometimes I wish my uBPDxw would be like yours just to validate that I wasn't the MONSTER that she created in her head.

Hang in there... .MWC  Being cool (click to insert in post)
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The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. (Psalm 34:18, 19)
mywifecrazy
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Picking myself off the canvas for the last time!


« Reply #11 on: January 06, 2015, 02:34:09 PM »

"Just an fyi he is really trying to take advantage of the fact that he knows you don't want to talk to me - something I continually have to deal with, but that's fine."

This is one of those comments that is 100% empty. There is nothing in it. Unless she is asking you a reasonable question in a straightforward way, there is probably no reason to respond or engage. And same for any response or communication toward her.

I had to learn over time to decode messages. Easiest way for me to separate the empty emails from substantive emails is whether or not there was a transaction of some kind being discussed.

I also learned that my ex did not have a clue what was going on with S13, so any information about his inner life was always inaccurate, and therefore meaningless.

[/quote]
Yes, I new right when I read it that there was no validity to her statement. The only thing I Wondered was what was she REALLY trying to say. Im much better at reading between the lines when dealing with my uBPDxw now that my head is out of the FOG. Thank you BPD FAMILY! The only engagement I gave her was "Can you please give me an example how our son has taken advantage of me not talking to you"? She never responded!


I know what you mean about your X not having a clue about the kids lives. Mine BARELY participates in their lives... .Does it only when SHE HAS TOO!

MWC... .Being cool (click to insert in post)

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The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. (Psalm 34:18, 19)
hergestridge
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« Reply #12 on: January 11, 2015, 05:50:54 PM »

This is becoming a problem for me and it gets worse over time. Since we split in june things have been working out better than expected and we have 50/50 custody of our daughter. I do most communication with my exwife through text, something she has trouble accepting. This she handles by finding all sorts of reasons to arrange "meetings" between her and me which I will have to fend off. These meetings - which she claims are just because "we need to talk, practical stuff you know" - have no set agenda and they are often preceeded by "I miss you" text messages and stuff like that, indicating that the physical meeting in itself is kind of the point.

I don't answer the phone anymore when she calls, because it's happened that she's just broke down crying after a couple of sentences and had to be comforted. And I'm not comfortable with that, no longer being her partner.

The trouble is I feel we  have a good communication and a working model for custody, but this is jeopardized by her insistance on "talking".

Even now when the relationship is over she has to put me in situations where I have to reject her and say no, even though she knows what this does to her.

Not answering messages at all doesn't feel like an alternative either, because I am afraid that can be seen as not cooperating.

What to do?

Yes that must be difficult. Did she initiate the divorce or dId you? That must be hard for you as it plays on your emotions BIG TIME! It puts you in a position of having to be RIGID as she would probably misread your intentions if you acted more open. You don't want to give her false hope. Sometimes I wish my uBPDxw would be like yours just to validate that I wasn't the MONSTER that she created in her head.

Hang in there... .MWC  Being cool (click to insert in post)

She initiated, but I did not object. I had tried to have her move out before we divorced, but she had refused, so it kind of expected she would leave sooner or later.

For the last couple of years I stayed because of our daughter. I didn't want my wife to end up with half custody because when she was with me she was simply put a terrible parent. But I knew I was just postponing the breakup of course.

I know she alters between painting me black and idealizing the good times we had. It's still like that  after we have split and it will probably continue to be like that. I want nothing to do with that - hence my text only-policy which reduces the feely-talk to a minimum.

When she paints me black she works herself up into a frenzy over some misplaced cpiece of clothing or imagines that I owe her money, then she starts texting me about that. If I don't answer she sends text complaing of me not answering.

I can tell from the texts that she's "bad" again.

But it's much better than actual conversations, because those used to mess with my head so much.

So am I in deed that "monster" much of the time.
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mywifecrazy
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Picking myself off the canvas for the last time!


« Reply #13 on: January 12, 2015, 04:34:56 AM »

Hang in there Hergestridge,

I know it's sad when you think of the person you once,loved as having this terrible mental,disorder but there's nothing you can do to change her or help her. Only she can do that by acknowledgement and professional help. You can only change you. Be there for your daughter and be the best Dad you can be. She needs you now more than ever.

Good luck brother!

MWC... .Being cool (click to insert in post)
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The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. (Psalm 34:18, 19)
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