Tiffany0915
Fewer than 3 Posts
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1
|
 |
« on: November 05, 2014, 10:06:11 AM » |
|
Hello.
... .like many first timers, i would imagine i am not the only one who doesn't really know where to start... .i'll try keeping this as streamlined as possible... .
I have been married for two years now. We we together for about 2 years before. We come from two very different back grounds. Sometimes, I think that the fact that I came from a so-called "loving home" and he didn't is where we have extremely opposite fundamental differences. Some days, I honestly want to kick myself for ignoring, or making excuses for signs that were pretty much there from day one... .
I have been seeing my own therapist, for my own issues for years. We saw a couples therapist which lead to him seeing an indv therapist that he liked, but he had to stop because of financial reasons. I wish that we had all the money in the world because when he was seeing someone, he seemed way more grounded.
So. there is actually too much to type, and too many details within incidents to go in to here... .but this past weekends incidents have just truly worn me down emotionally and my patience has worn thin. My patience is one of the best qualities about me, and I hate that he's seemingly stripped me of it.
I am very fortunate to have a support system of friends and family. However, no one knows what's truly going on because I feel this need to "protect" him but not letting everyone know about the emotional abuse and outbursts that I am subjected to like clockwork every few months. And that's the thing... .he scares me because he gets so upset with me, holds grudges and then it festers and then he gets that look of anger in his eyes and goes off the rails... .I'm a bad person, the worst person ever... .I'm not allowed to make mistakes... .I have to be there for him no matter what... .all and everything that was once okay, turns "stupid" "dumb" insulting my friends/family, etc. I feel like I am in a bad Lifetime Movie and don't know how to get out. We fight for hours at a time and it often ends with him apologizing and "scaring himself"... .and he promises to go to therapy again, but never does. Then there is the week or two of walking on eggshells. My fear swifts to anger and resentment... .and voila, we are back to square one. His projected anger makes me angry and I want nothing to do with him physically or emotionally... .which makes him then act out even more, because he doesn't understand how his actions make me find him repulsive.
... .so with this all being said. I have thoughts that if this doesn't change, I don't think that this marriage is for me. Sometimes, I think that my life would be better off without him--I was never riddled with fear, anxiety, resentment, etc before he came in to my orbit. I don't think that love and marriage should equal pain, the way that he thinks it might mean.
I also am grateful to my therapist for telling me about BPD so that I can do some further research on how to cope with someone with BPD. I still have hope that if he gets help, while I know there is no cure... .we can both get the tools that we need to manage and save our marriage. I am just so close to finished. I've come here for guidance and support. Thank you for your time in reading this... .
|
