Painted Black: What to do?

[lovethebeach]

My exBPD and I have been broken up for two weeks after I caught him in numerous lies, he ran. I've tried to initiate contact twice and got no where. He then called me 4 days ago, as I asked him too for "closure."

Yet, he took that opportunity to scream, yell and blame everything on me. I was calm and apologetic for my part in the relationship.

He hasn't made any attempts to contact me and I'm so upset after our two years together that I'm painted black.

I guess my question is ... .is there anything I can do to make him "paint me white again?" Or see the "real me?"

I think he's already moving on and its hurting so bad.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Caredverymuch]

My exBPD and I have been broken up for two weeks after I caught him in numerous lies, he ran. I've tried to initiate contact twice and got no where. He then called me 4 days ago, as I asked him too for "closure."

Yet, he took that opportunity to scream, yell and blame everything on me. I was calm and apologetic for my part in the relationship.

He hasn't made any attempts to contact me and I'm so upset after our two years together that I'm painted black.

I guess my question is ... .is there anything I can do to make him "paint me white again?" Or see the "real me?"

I think he's already moving on and its hurting so bad.

LOTB, it seems you've asked these questions on many threads.  Knowing how difficult this process is and in support of the difficult emotions,  have you been able to process the many responses members have already offered you?

[Cloudy Days]

I think it's important to know that once a BPD breaks up with someone, the way they make themselves feel better is by painting the other person black so that they don't have to feel like the failure of the relationship was their fault. When I met my husband he had many stories of how this  ex girlfriends had screwed him over or hurt him and he had nothing nice to say about any of them. Except for one who ended because of circumstances neither of them really had control over. He had one really serious relationship and his mother filled me in a bit on what actually happened. It was nothing like what he described.

The closure you should seek should be within yourself and why you really want someone who doesn't want you. I know it's very hard to let go, I married a man with BPD and trust me I have had this internal battle for awhile now. It's a bit of an addiction and he has cut you off. You need to use this time to work on yourself. Him painting you black has nothing to do with how you really are. So his opinion of you at the moment, although hard to swallow, doesn't really matter. It is going to hurt but most break ups do. Try to do something for yourself and keep your mind off of him.

[maxsterling]

I know how much it hurts to have someone you love and care about suddenly decide to hate you.  The reality here is that it has nothing to do with you - but that is hard to grasp emotionally right now because it feels like you are the one left behind.

I've seen this process unfold from my fiancé's end as she paints people black for reasons that clearly have nothing to do with the other person.  Friends, family, exes, all are evil in some way.  Her best friend won't return her call?  That must mean the friend is the most evil self absorbed b___ in the world.   Two hours later finding out the friend had to take her grandmother to the emergency room?  Okay, all is fine, now my fiancé says she feels horrible, yet no apology towards her friend.   It's really difficult for pwBPD to take ownership of their own words and actions because they truly believe the world is out to get them. 

So what to do?  Quit trying to reach out, you will only get hurt worse.  Use the peace and quiet to examine yourself, take care of yourself, and do the things you enjoy.  Whether or not he contacts you again is beyond your control.  I know it's tough - but unfortunately that is what has to happen.

[Jessica84]

All breakups hurt. BPD breakups feel like having open heart surgery with steak knives. I know you're in pain. I've been there, hurt, confused, desperate for answers, wanting closure. How he sees you doesn't matter. He may paint you white again one day, but that's not what's important. Take the knives out of your chest and take a walk around the block. Pet the neighbor's dog, call a friend, go see a movie, eat some ice cream. Whatever takes your mind off of him. That's your job right now, to heal yourself. You've just had major surgery and you need to take care of your wounds and give yourself time to recover.