ExGf emailing today Helping or hurting?

[Targeted]

My ExGf undiagnosed who fits the criteria is emailing today, she does all the time so it is no surprise! I ultimately would like to see her get help but these are our communications. She is very accusatory and loves to make a mountain out of a anthill For every situation she seeswhich seems to be quite common.  I went through a day of accusations yesterday about the failure of our relationship four months ago obviously having my faults magnified as well as magnification of faults that I do not have!  I ignored most of it and I hope I did the right thing because I have read here that acknowledgement of accusations is only going to be Invalidating to her and support her fears and false accusations based on feelings, i'm still learning how to deal with that, so last night I emailed her back and asked her to slow down because when she asks a question it has about 15 parts and we could not have constructive Communication that way and I would rather have no communication then have destructive communication.  Then I asked her a simple question which was  " did you ever really love me? ". Then I put my phone down and went to bed! Here is what I woke up to this morning and up till now!

Her,-email 1- I guess you must have been watching TV  again or out last night, always glued to your TV.I have a question, why would you keep your alcohol problem and dysfunctional family and friends a secret before entering a relationship, and further more why would you run to the town ___ after the girl you loved for a number of years was a good Christian girl. Why do you cheat on your partners? Why are you attracted to bad people? Why do you always think you are blameless? Why do you support dysfunction and toxic people that ruin your life?  Why do you pick mentally ill people as friends? Why do you always look for a new relationship when you have one? Why do you like to watch teenage TV shows? Why do you believe lying is normal? Why do you lIe? Why are you so insecure and jealous? Why are you so abusive and non-caring to someone who cares about you? Why do you toxically badmouth other people and call their friends and family and co-workers? Why do you quit and run in to mentally ill people for support?  Why cannot you see that you are raising two children without God or discipline? Why do you point fingers at everybody else but yourself? Just curious, thank you!

Her2-- yes I did genuinely before you stabbed me in the back with lying to me and hating on me three years ago and it has been difficult since, but yes in the beginning before I knew you were a alcoholic and your family was dysfunctional, hateful and hypocritical.  Very much!

Me-- here is my next question. Did you love me the same as the number of people between noname and I?  Or was what you were feeling different!

Her--I loved you much much more.  Like a husband!

Her-- p.s.- I was wondering why you think your grandmother should have been cheated on by your grandfather or what she could have done wrong to make him go behind her back and have sex with another woman. These are issues I think you need to talk to a therapist about as these issues of infidelities have deeply affected you!

Me--if it is true that you say you loved me more like a husband then them then what was it that separated me from them based on your feelings? 

this is not part of the email chain but I would like to see her get help and I am trying to use the information I find here as well as the feedback to maybe achieve that someday. any advice on which direction to take that kind of conversation would be helpful. Through emails I am only trying to better communication instead of worsen it!   Thank you,

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[survivalmode27]

WOW. Sorry for the tough words. As far as email helping or worsening, I too wonder. I can control my emotions better and be more appropriate through email and also feel like I can get my point out, which is almost impossible during a heated conversation with a BPD. However it achieves the same. I have found that the BPD picks one sentence from your email and changes it to fit their reality and that is all they get out of it.

So from my experience I would say that you are getting more out of expressing yourself in the email than the BPD person is. I have begun sending emails to myself. Ones that I want to send to my dBPDh. It makes me feel better and accomplishes about the same thing as if I would have sent it to him.

[Targeted]

Thank U for your reply survivalmod,

I am trying to establish communication boundaries because she just makes accusations when normal people would be asking questions! Even though we have been apart four months for some reason she will not stop contacting me, I understand this is a severe mental illness and it could be her typical BPD type reaction to prove to herself that I am the cause of the failure and she did nothing wrong to make herself feel better!  but there seems to be A dim flickering light of hope in my mind that because she keeps initiating contact I may eventually be able to learn enough here and apply it to what I know about her and hopefully someday make her question herself whether or not she needs help!  I have not given up on the idea of her getting better, I am just giving up being abused! There been emails since this morning and I am going to add them here when I can!  If not for anything I think the worst that could do would be somebody could either tell me what I'm doing wrong and I can be more effective, or someone else can relate to it and realise they are being abused as well!

[survivalmode27]

It is abuse. That is the part I struggle with most. My dBPDh has been diagnosed twice now. Neither of the therapist have told them this is what you have, but both have told me. They tried techniques to break down his way of thinking. His reality. The first one failed and the second is still trying. The major difference is he was not willing to work on it the first time. This time he is more open to it.

Your exgf will only get help when she is ready for it and it will only work when she wants it to. I wish you the best.

[Targeted]

Thank you,  I know it will only work when she wants it to, The fact that we are separated and she is still emailing with relationship questions as ineffectively as they worded and abusive makes me think there may be something about me and our relationship that may make her want to start questioning her own actions!   More of the emails coming soon, maybe somebody else here can help decipher them that has more experience than I do

[Targeted]

More emails!

Me-

If this is true and you say you loved me more like a husband then you loved them? what was it that separated me from them in that way based on your feelings?

Her-

We were best friends. That was the difference. I trusted you. Until you lied to me and became toxic.

me-

If I am reading this correctly then I am sorry you feel that  way but that is hurtful to me as well!

If it is true that you say the only difference between me and everybody else you gave yourself to was that we were best friends then could it be true that you just liked me And did not really love me?   Think about that!

Her-

Why do you continue to focus on what happened before you and I dated why don't not faithful in your relationship and that cause the breakdown in our relationship. Men that I dated before you to some extent are equally responsible for what happened in the relationship intimately. It was wrong but as you know we can't go back we can only go forward

Her-

Asking questions is still NOT accusing... .your family history of infidelity has deeply affected you mentally and sexually.

Me-

In response to this!

Do you think because you shared with me your family's history of infidelity that it has affected you mentally and sexually?

That is a question!

This is what you said!

Your family history of infidelity has deeply affected you mentally and sexually!

That is nothing more than an accusation!

Accusations such as this is nothing more than verbal  abuse! I will no longer respond to them! If you would like to keep communicating please ask questions and do not accuse!  We do not have to communicate if you don't want to, i'm okay with that'

Here is my question based on your accusation!

Because you have shared with me that you were unfaithful to your first husband as well as your daughters father ! Could it be possible that these incidences have affected your thinking as to whether or not people can be faithful?

Her-

have you and your friends and family brainwashed yourself into thinking that I am a w**** not capable of love and never loved you! Really?

Me-

This is a good question!   Thank you!

The answer is no! 

Her-

Not sure how you can say i a black and white thinking when I dated A biker from a dysfunctional family and discovered that my best friend was an alcoholic and extremely toxic and would defame my character for two and a half years! I am far from black and white!

Me-

I believe You're thinking is black-and-white!   If you would like me to explain why I feel that way I will explain it to you! And if you want to know my experiences with you about your Push Pull nature in a relationship that is extremely destructive I will share that with you as well if you would like?    But you are going back to accusations again in this one!'  Please stop that now or I will have to stop communicating until tomorrow!

Her-

You bring up my parents all the time? Is that abuse or stating facts! I am stating facts. How can you deal with your problems if you don't accept them? The infidelity HAS affected you. Why does that sound like abuse? Why are your problems ever discussed? Why are all your problems considered me abusing you and all my problems diagnosable?

Me-

And when I brought up your parents I stated the facts that you gave me! The abuse I witnessed of you in the kitchen because I was standing there and saw it with my own two eyes, The other mention I made of them was saying that I believe and, if IM right!

If IAM right----  that is another way to ask a question!

Her-

how come you can ask questions and I cant!

[Jessica84]

Thank you,  I know it will only work when she wants it to, The fact that we are separated and she is still emailing with relationship questions as ineffectively as they worded and abusive makes me think there may be something about me and our relationship that may make her want to start questioning her own actions!   More of the emails coming soon, maybe somebody else here can help decipher them that has more experience than I do

If none of this is true, and you aren't in fact an alcoholic with a crazy family and running around with ___s, then somewhere she's not feeling validated. She could also be projecting her own issues or fears onto you.

Try communicating with brief answers, or questions like "Help me understand XYZ". Longer answers leave you open for her to pounce on the phrases that validate whatever she's feeling in the moment. Perhaps something like this for now: "Thank you for your email. This gives me a lot to think about. I will try to respond to your questions soon. Let me think about it and get back to you".

[Jessica84]

Looks to me that you are looking for validation from her. Understandable, but she isn't capable of giving you that right now.

Have you looked at the lessons on the right-hand side of this screen? The phrase that helped me the MOST was this one: "Before you can make things better you have to stop making them worse." Check out the lessons. You can learn about boundaries and communicating effectively so you don't get caught in a circular argument. There are many good tools available.

[Targeted]

Like I said she magnifies everything, my family is not perfect but they are very good and loving, they would support her and I no matter what the problems are if she was also serious about her efforts! She believes my family is dysfunctional because they will not adapt to her way of thinking. I do drink beer, three or four in a day which is probably a little unhealthy but I think that is very far from being a severe alcoholic, that was when I was with her, she enjoyed having a beer or two as well! This is the second woman I have ever had a relationship with in my life and I am 43, The funny thing about the ___s is I have a few women that I know from high school and all three of them are in relationships! After we broke up I talked to Two of them to get a woman's point of view on what is going on here and I gave her the honesty that she desires and told her who I spoke with, I did not go out with them or meet up with them just talked on the phone, but to her them and I was cheating even though we are broken up, what is

Even funnier is she has no female friends,!  All guys!  But I have to accept that!

[JohnLove]

Hello caresaboutsomeonelike this. I read your posts. It is maddening. I share your sense of disbelief. I have heard very similar statements and actions from my dBPDgf. The constantly changing reality is disturbing. The wild theories about your grandparents and the effect it must have had on you?. The double standards. Why in the middle of their madness they need to behave like some kind of relationship expert?... .and offer you advice?... .or think they know best?. I think it is likely we can learn from them... .but come on.

The all guy friends thing is a huge red flag.

[Targeted]

Thank you Jessica,

I have looked at that but no I am not looking for validation from her,  I am trying to repair a Line of communication based on her individual eccentricities of communication.  I'm human and make mistakes though, my counselor has told me I am codependant in my personality type and that's part of why I have 3-4 beers on most days and I am well aware of me! Always working to be better, but I am too giving of myself  and too good natured to be abused verbally by magnifying something into something it's not! I know who I am but lost it a little in her FOG.   Thank you so much.  Everything helps.

[Targeted]

John,

I know, I was in the FOG but now IM out!  I am me again, and the real me cares about people,

even the broken ones, my life may not be perfect but hers must be hell. I am not looking exactly to save a relationship and have a happy life with her at the moment, just help, and if she ever helps herself ?  I guess that all it leaves is a question mark.  I have low expectations, but more pride in myself that I can care the way I do!  You have been reassuring in my beliefs as well about all guy friends,  thank you'. I saw that one!

[Jessica84]

It is HARD to reason with the unreasonable, but it can be dialed down a notch. Try limiting your use of exclamation points, for example. Those show an excited response. You're trying to put out a fire, not make it bigger. Be sure not to JADE (justify, argue, defend, engage). It doesn't work and will keep you stuck in this back and forth email chain.

Make sure you have boundaries. You can't say you will not tolerate her abuse if she doesn't see her behavior as abusive. Figure out what your boundaries are. What does not tolerating abuse look like to you? Does it mean ignoring her emails, blocking her, delaying your responses?