Has anybody tried a separation?

[survivalmode27]

I am just curious. My dBPDh is going to therapy and she is working on trying to break him down to rebuild him. It is not going good at home. I am about at my breaking point. i just wondered if a separation might help or if it is just a stepping stone to divorce?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[krazyblue]

I know people here have definitely discussed separations such as separate homes and the like.  My wife and I live in separate bedrooms.  It started after a series of arguments about her behavior. They were brutal arguments culminating in me trying to leave her because being close to her was just too emotionally damaging especially because I have severe PTSD from growing up with a mentally ill mother.  We negotiated and I agreed to stay but she had to go to therapy. We spoke very little for weeks but eventually got better.  I read a lot of BPD books including Stop Walking on Eggshells and Loving Someone with Borderline Personality in addition to reading the material offered here.  My ability to communicate with her improved greatly and I was better able to reduce my enabling behavior.

We doing a lot better now.  We are both in individual therapy (she is seeing a DBT therapist with extensive experience with BPD which is great).  We're still in separate bedrooms but occasionally I sleep in her bed (she has our king). It also works because she has severe RA and spends a lot of time in bed.  She occasionally lashes out still but we are able to work through it better and the separate bedrooms helps me keep limits and have my own space. 

Every couple's situation is different so ultimately you will have to decide what will be best your own well-being. I highly recommended reading.  Good luck and remember the story about putting the oxygen mask on yourself first before helping the other person.

[survivalmode27]

thanks, I am glad this is working for you. I have been reading about BPD for 4 years now, sometimes I feel like it helps and others I just feel like I am too far gone. I guess I don't have the guts to get a divorce yet, and I fear what would happen for the kids most of all. But I wonder if we tried a separation if maybe we would both be happier and the kids would benefit from having happier parents. Then we could move forward either together or separate.

[formflier]

 

I was out of the house for several months.  My story is a bit complicated... .but I am convince that being away from daily contact and pressure... .helped me sort things out for me.

I'm sure it helped her as well.

I'm now back in house and things are going well (best in several years). 

Big thing... .is that I'm much more confidant on what to do when a BPD trait shows up.

It's never too far gone... .

If you have the energy and the will to try... .it's never too late.  Yes... .my years of invalidating (before I knew about BPD) have left scares and made it harder for me to "come back"... but it is never too late.  I'm very glad I didn't give up...

Maybe that's a new post... .list reason or issues that make it seem to far gone... .and hopefully we can guide you in working through that.

[takingandsending]

Hey survivalmode,

I sure was feeling that way when I first started reading and posting here. I wondered what would be best for us, but especially our children. Wondered if I'd be a better parent and my uBPDw too if we just separated and reduced the stress. My T reassured me that I can know when I am being a good, effective parent and when I am losing patience and energy to be with my kids. So I have been using that as my yardstick.

My wife is now receiving EMDR therapy and seeing a life coach, and I have been doing my best to communicate more clearly, avoid invalidating and having boundaries. It's helped in our case - less conflict. The effects on the kids is still not clear, but I know that I feel better equipped to be a parent to them.

I am starting to see the dysregulations picking up again as my wife always worsens in the winter with Seasonal Affective Disorder (which is called something else now but I can't remember). As she struggles more, I find myself thinking again about the choice of staying versus leaving. Someone on the boards here said, even if you are intent on staying, you should read a few posts on the Undecided or Leaving boards for perspective. I tried that, and I find that I am still resonating most with staying.

Can you elaborate a bit on his therapy? Is it CBT, DBT or other? How long have you noticed his moods getting worse? At a minimum, can you at least advise the therapist in a letter or e-mail of what you are experiencing, as he may not be sharing it with her? I know that my wife's initial EMDR sessions really had her dissociating afterwards. I was close to letting the therapist know when she moved the therapy into more traditional CBT because she probably realized that my wife needed that support and safety to do any more. One thing that I did encourage my wife with was to find and do self loving things after her sessions instead of trying to come home and integrate into life right away. That actually helped her stabilize quite a bit.

Hope you are taking care of yourself, too, through this. What sorts of things are you doing for yourself? 

[Wanda]

17 years ago my husband and i had to separate, he went to his therapist i went to mine that is how i found out he had BPD he wasn't legally diagnosed, but we stayed separated one year a therapeutic separation we had to set rules 1 no dating anyone else, 2 we had to go back to dating again. learn to love again. 3 I thought put him on meds lets go... well that didn't work. things improved but he still to this day is not on meds i wish he was. but a separation isn't a sign of divorce it is just a sign of needing time apart. as rules are lined up and you to go to counseling... .it helps   i had three small kids at home to i became stronger in the process and even a better parent.

[survivalmode27]

We started the therapy as marriage counseling. And then the therapist split us up. She fills me in on their sessions and has asked me background stuff to answer the questions that she cannot ask him yet. This is our second round of Therapy and he is responding much better than he did the first time around. He walked out on all of those sessions, he has not walked out once on this lady.

I am not sure what "method" of therapy she is using on him. He has agreed to take medicine again. She is hoping that an antidepressant will help calm the rage and also allow her to make more progress.

I asked her about separation last night. I was thinking more like Wanda was suggesting. Separation with rules. So it did not feel like a divorce. Our therapist said if that would be easier for me to handle things then to do it, but she also warned me that would bring out the fear of abandonment even more and might regress the progress.

My brain knows I would be better off to divorce. But my heart can not give up the idea of being a whole family, instead of a divorced family. Maybe a separation would work, but I fear I would just learn to live without him and it would be done. I also feel bad giving up on somebody who is trying to get help.

[formflier]

 

If he is attending sessions... and seems to be participating... .why separate.

Focus on the here and now... .try to forget the past.

If he begins to regress... .or new issues emerge... .then reconsider separation.

Another way of looking at it... .if he is doing the "right things"... .then you need to reinforce that... .send him all kinds of staying messages... .a separation is not a staying message. 

[takingandsending]

Hi survival,

It sounds like maybe he has made some progress from your initial post on this thread? It also sounds as if your MC did not think he was ready to be in couples counseling with you. But you still need to get your feelings out - my guess is there's not much outlet for you with your husband. Are you seeing a T for yourself, so that you can have an outlet and not feel as much pressure to leave the situation?

I have been seeing a T for myself (after some prodding by formflier  ), and it is really helping. I see an MC with my wife, as well. Ultimately, you have to take care of yourself to reduce the stress of your relationship to a manageable level. If you can talk to someone and apply the communication tools here to bring the conflict down, great! If that's not possible, separation is one way to also reduce the stress.

Do you feel like your relationship with your children, your ability to be there for them is being compromised in ways that are not acceptable to you? If it is, something has to change. That is still the litmus test that I use for making these kinds of decisions.

Let us know how you are doing as you weigh this out. 

[survivalmode27]

I agree that if he is in therapy and participating then I need to send the right message and the T has warned me that if I do separate then it could derail the whole thing.

It is just when he goes on his rants, I just have nothing left and can not handle them. And when he is in a rant, rather it is 1 day in the week or the whole week, I am short with the kids and do not be the type of Mother that I want to be. I feel like I am sending them the wrong message as well.

I do go to the T about once a month and he goes once a week. It is an outlet for me, kind of. I feel it is more about him though. I can talk about what I am feeling, but it is really all about him.

I think I need to take a break from the borderline. Stop thinking about it and just try to live life for a few weeks and hope the rages stay at a minimum. Sometimes just thinking about BPD and all it brings with it is just so exhausting.

[formflier]

It is just when he goes on his rants, I just have nothing left and can not handle them. 

Then don't handle it... .

Have you tried a boundary for this... .boundaries are to protect you!

[takingandsending]

Hi survival.

I completely understand when you don't have the energy to deal with the rants and then also be there in the way you want to be for your kids. How much validation, SET and boundaries are you practicing during his dysregulations? Have you looked at or tried any of the exercises in the SWOE (Stop Walking on Eggshells) workbook? I found them to be really helpful in really objectifying how little my needs in the relationship were being met.

Once I could look at that and see how imbalanced I had allowed things to become, I started feeling motivated to take care of myself more. Things got worse between me and my wife. Our MC sessions were bumpy with me employing things I learned here like validation and SET but feeling emotionally further apart from my wife. She was mad at me when I began enforcing boundaries on abusive, angry communication. But slowly, as I stayed in a pattern of making one attempt at SET at the start of a dysregulation and moved on to enforcing boundary (usually by removing myself or encouraging her to remove herself to take care of her needs) and offering a brief validation before walking away, our conflict began to reduce. My wife is seeing an EMDR therapist, which is helping.

Now, I have actually experienced a modest increase in positive regard for my wife, which I thought was completely impossible several months ago. Are these steps that you have already tried? I also found that all of my individual T sessions were devoted to BPD, which I can totally understand why you get sick of talking about it. But a funny thing has happened. As I have been reading more, taking a NAMI Family Support class and doing the SWOE workbook, I am wanting to move my T sessions into working on me. I need to end my codependent behaviors to have any chance of this relationship surviving. It is an absolute MUST for anyone living with a pwBPD - it's a good thing regardless, but incredibly necessary for us. And so that's my focus now.

I really support and honor you in this decision process. It ain't easy. And you are a pretty brave person trying to be there in the best way possible as a mother for your children.