Two bad choices

[guitarguy09]

Do anyone's SO w/BPD do this? Whenever my uBPDw is really mad at me or wants me to take action, she gives me two bad choices. It's usually about my family or some type of relationship (surprise surprise). "Either you call your sister and you ask her why she's being difficult or I will go over to your parents' house and tell them all about it." "Call your parents and tell them not to send any more Christmas gifts or I will drive over there in person and tell them." All this while she doesn't really have a relationship to speak of with my family after driving them away.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[maxsterling]

I think this falls under the category of self-destructive behavior and no-win situations.  My fiancé puts herself in no-win situations all the time.  Example:  She gave me an ultimatum about me asking her to marry her.  Self destructive, because if I did ask her, she would feel she pressured me, and never be happy with the proposal.  And guess what?  I did ask but before I could give her the proposal that I wanted.  And now?  Her friends ask her how I proposed, and she feels shameful and angry.  I *knew* that would happen.  Now she sometimes believes that she pressured me into marriage. 

The other situation she sets up is one where she wants me to fix something that can't be fixed.  A few weeks ago she was mad because my mom did not call her back.  She had all kinds of nasty things to say about my mom.  And she was mad at me for not fixing the problem.  I told her if it would help, I would call my mom, tell her that my fiancé was hurt that she did not call her back, then my mom would call her, and then she would feel like the only reason my mom called was because I told her to.  A complete no-win!

[formflier]

 

What do you think the right choice is?  Call or let her go?

[guitarguy09]

Maxsterling - That sucks to have to see the self destructive behavior and no-win situations. My wife is kind of the same way. She kept pushing for us to get engaged and I really wasn't opposed to it. Then when we have arguments she says she pushed me into marrying her. I reassure her that she didn't but it usually comes up again (she is gentle about it though).

The unsolvable problems is very consistent with her as well. As with all BPDs, she has turbulent relationships and wants me to be the go-between guy to fix any problems with her and another person. Most of the time I reach out to the other person but I can't work magic.

Formflier - That's an interesting question. Usually I end up calling if it's not too ridiculous of a request. The one time she told me to call and tell my parents to give back photos of our son (long story with that one on other posts), I refused and she eventually gave up on it. But the intensity is unreal.

[maxsterling]

It's the nature of this disorder to not take ownership of their own issues.  How many times do you get told, "I wish you would abc... ." or "Why can't you xyz... ."?  If the pwBPD can't take ownership, they will never, ever be satisfied. 

With my fiancé, it's not just me she sets up no-win situations with.  It's no win for me, and no-win for her, but in nearly every relationship she is in.  I am certain that in her past romantic relationships, many people bailed on her when faced with the no-win situation she set up.  An example:  Apparently she was somehow involved with a man whom she wanted to marry.  And to pressure him into asking her, she decided to date other people... .(!)  How in any way does this make any kind of sense? Even if the guy wanted to marry her, her deciding to date other people certainly sealed his decision to leave!

She sets up no-win situations with employers, friends, merchants, family... .  It's sad to see.  I've never met someone whom so many people wanted to get to know before yet creates so many roadbocks to a healthy relationship.

[guitarguy09]

It's the nature of this disorder to not take ownership of their own issues.  How many times do you get told, "I wish you would abc... ." or "Why can't you xyz... ."?  If the pwBPD can't take ownership, they will never, ever be satisfied. 

With my fiancé, it's not just me she sets up no-win situations with.  It's no win for me, and no-win for her, but in nearly every relationship she is in.  I am certain that in her past romantic relationships, many people bailed on her when faced with the no-win situation she set up.  An example:  Apparently she was somehow involved with a man whom she wanted to marry.  And to pressure him into asking her, she decided to date other people... .(!)  How in any way does this make any kind of sense? Even if the guy wanted to marry her, her deciding to date other people certainly sealed his decision to leave!

She sets up no-win situations with employers, friends, merchants, family... .  It's sad to see.  I've never met someone whom so many people wanted to get to know before yet creates so many roadbocks to a healthy relationship.

That's sad indeed. It seems like my wife really feels a need to connect with people yet can't help but push them away by her actions. I guess that's the push/pull of BPD.

[formflier]

 

I think the point about them taking ownership is key.

I've been focusing on "getting out of the way"... .or "not being involved with what she is unhappy with"... .

Sure... .she can still try to blame... .but it is easier to deflect... .and ultimately I think she is starting to see that the solution to the issue (whatever it is)... .is her... .or it is up to her to decide it is no longer an issue.

When I do things for her... .it is because I want to and chose to ... .not because it has been demanded. 

I have it clear in my head that most likely I will not "get credit" for the good deeds... so that is not in my purpose... .

My purpose is because I want to or think it is the right thing to do.

[Grey Kitty]

"Call your parents and tell them not to send any more Christmas gifts or I will drive over there in person and tell them."

One way to 'win' a debate is to frame the question in such a way that you get your way in either case, and make it look like the other party makes a choice.

I might just answer back "Heads you win, Tails I lose. I won't play that game with you."

You could also add "I've got no control over what you say to my parents. Do what you will."

[formflier]

 

I had a bit of a similar situation recently... .month or two ago... .in the "snake case"... .if you remember some of my story.

It was demanded of me that I call some people and sort out why they told my wife lies... .or told her confusing things... .or whatever they told her.

I simply expressed sorrow at her tough interaction with them... .and we all agreed the situation was "at best"... .confusing.

Primarily because people had been relaying what other people said... .incorrectly.  Not on purpose.

So... .I did a little bit of the "help me understand... "... .thing... .when inquired how it would help a situation to insert me in a communication chain and be in charge of relaying messages... .instead of having her (my wife) go directly to the people involved and have "first hand knowledge"... .of what they said.

Note:  She never directly answered... .tried to stick with rhetorical... ."why wouldn't you want to help me... "  to which I answered I do want to help you... .but unfortunately... .I think your idea for what I should do... .is not helpful... ."

I went one or two rounds longer in that situation before I just clearly said... ."No... .I'm not going to do that."... .and didn't discuss it any further.

Looking back... .I should have cut it off earlier... .

Grey... .I like the heads you wind... .tails I loose... .  I'm going to use that at some point in the future.