secret email

[blueeyes567]

What the hell does it mean when a border says I just had a feeling to check that email and yep he emailed me saying you are harrassing him and his friends? This in regards to a one night stand my dBPDw had with a guy from craigslist 3 weeks ago. I thought she was improving but why even check that e-mail and what feeling?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

What the hell does it mean when a border says I just had a feeling to check that email and yep he emailed me saying you are harrassing him and his friends? This in regards to a one night stand my dBPDw had with a guy from craigslist 3 weeks ago. I thought she was improving but why even check that e-mail and what feeling?

Blue eyes,

Might want to expand on the story some.

I'm not sure where to go with this or how to advise.

It is not uncommon for pwBPD to take several steps forward and then a few steps back... .hence your feeling that she was getting better... and then seemed to backslide

[blueeyes567]

Okay so to elaborate, my dBPDw created a fake email account and found a guy on craigslist to sleep with after we got in a fight that of course was my fault. the last few weeks we have been seeking therapy and being open and honest about things. She realizes there is a problem and is a so called high functioning border. She hasn't had the urge to do anything destructive again but told me today that she had a feeling that the guy she slept with emailed her and so she had to look. She told me he had emailed her an apology for what happened but then went off a few days later, which was yesterday, and emailed again saying that "your spouse is sending a ton of hate mail to me and my friends... .just thought you'd like to know and whats up?". I told her that I didn't do anything, which I didn't, and that he has his dick all over craigslist and let him believe whatever he wants. he created his own drama let him deal with it why should it cause issues and drama between us? She agreed but when asked to help me understand this "feeling" to check it, she freaked and got super defensive. She said she tried to deactivate the email account to help her not give in to her "dark side" but gmail won't let her close it without giving a back up email. I didn't look into this and the subject was dropped.

[formflier]

 

Keep using the "help me understand thing... "

They don't like explaining things... that don't make sense...

What do you see as your next step?

[blueeyes567]

Telling her that by hiding things amd lying that it will lead us closer to divorce

[Grey Kitty]

Geez, I feel for you. I'm in a similar spot in some ways... .except that I've been somewhere between NC and LC with my wife since she cheated on me.

Telling her that by hiding things amd lying that it will lead us closer to divorce

That sounds somewhat reasonable... .but telling her directly how you feel will probably do better than mentioning possible consequences... .likely to be heard as a threat.

It will do you good to think about where your limits are... .even if you don't tell her... .

"Gmail won't let me delete my account" Probably a bogus excuse.

Nothing good will come of you bringing up the subject and trying to fix it... .

However, I am a computer geek, and like to solve problems like this... .so if she does want to close the gmail account, and asks you for help, here is another possibilty:



Make a random string of characters. Either bang away at the keyboard a bit or use a random password generator. Copy the string onto the clipboard. Paste it in (twice) as a new password.

Don't write it down, don't save it. Copy something else so the clipboard is cleared of the password. Log out of the email account. You won't be back in again. (There may still be a way to reset the password, if gmail does have a backup email, phone number, or security question or something configured.)

[formflier]

  closer to divorce

Best not to bring that up... .until you are ready to actually do it.

I may not be objective on this... .because I have weathered tons of divorce threats... .all bogus. 

That seems to be a pwBPD thing... .so I always advise nons to stay away from that... .until you are ready.

The problem with "threatening" divorce if they do something one more time... .is it hands power back to them.  The threatener (is this a word?) is left wondering if they will do it and if they will have to enforce the boundary... .or threat.

Most nons feel bad on this board because they feel they don't have power... .

So... .DON'T DO THINGS THAT HAND POWER TO A MENTALLY ILL PERSON

[Burninghalo]

I think mentioning divorce will be taken as a threat or ultimatum and won't be very effective.

Stick to emotions. Let her know that her action of going to check the email made you feel disrespected, or second best, or in competition with someone else (whatever your emotions actually are) and that it hurts. Then reinforce your boundaries (what you will and won't participate in).

Good luck.

[Grey Kitty]

Yeah... .paradox time. You don't need to understand why... .but believe it!

They can threaten divorce a thousand times, and back down every time. You may even be bored of hearing it.

If YOU mention divorce, it is a huge thing, worthy of a full-blown dysregulation.

[MissyM]

She said she tried to deactivate the email account to help her not give in to her "dark side" but gmail won't let her close it without giving a back up email. I didn't look into this and the subject was dropped.

Well, having been through this when my dBPDh was active in his sex addiction I know that this is untrue.  It is very easy to close a gmail account.  I see that she got you to drop the subject quite quickly.  Why is that?  Do you not feel that you have no right to express how you on the matter?   As for mentioning that this will move you closer to divorce.  That isn't really setting a boundary but a very wishy, washy threat.  Hopefully, you will get someone to help you on boundaries.

[blueeyes567]

We did talk about it more sporadically and she gets irritated every time but did say she would do the password thing but also mentioned he has seen her facebook so deleting that e-mail or whatever is pointless because she can find his Facebook.  she cant explain her "feeling" justvsaid she thoughtshe should check and thought we should talk about it. She said she didn't respond to him and that she doesn't want to talk to him or see him. She feels super guilty about what she did amd has been pushing me away because she said she feels horrible. She has her second dbt session this week and is still going to therapist as well. My therapist did say to use that as a boundary

[formflier]

  My therapist did say to use that as a boundary

Use what as a boundary?

This is good that bdt sessions have started... .how often are they happening?

[blueeyes567]

Dbt is weekly. My therapist suggesting saying that "if you have urges to be destructive to yourself or our relationship, I would like to know. By hiding or lying about those, that will push us further apart and closer to divorce"

[Grey Kitty]

Let me know if you agree with this summary:

1. Your partner has destructive urges, which she sometimes acts on. (Wanting to cheat, and wanting to do it with a specific guy she already did it with)

2. Your partner knows that they are destructive, and says she wants to stop.

3. You have gotten somewhat involved in "helping" her stop these destructive actions.

4. Your T suggests telling her that you would rather know about these destructive urges than have her hide them or lie about them.



Question: Do you want to know about her urges to cheat? How does knowing make you feel? How does not knowing make you feel?

Question: Do you want to know about her cheating actions? (Email/FB contact with this guy... .talking to him... .hooking up with him) How do you feel about knowing when this happens, or not knowing?

Thought: Your involvement in this process is making a mess. Consider this:

She is fighting an internal war between her desire to do the "right" thing (not cheat) and her urge to cheat. This sort of conflict can be a really hard thing to do. If she takes this internal self-conflict... .and assigns you one role in the conflict (stop her from cheating), allowing her to take the other role (trying to cheat) and make it into a fight with you.

That doesn't mean that her actions to cheat have no consequences with you. They do. You will feel hurt and betrayed if she does it. (... .Ask me how I know... .) You will feel hurt and betrayed if she stays in contact with the guy she cheated with. (... .you can ask me about that one too... .I've got some long threads about it here if you haven't read them)

And those very real feelings will impact your choices too.

I encourage you to share the feelings with her. It is something she should know about.

Sharing the potential choices you will make isn't helpful. Just keep sharing the feelings, and when you DO make a choice, share that with her.

[MissyM]

Question: Do you want to know about her urges to cheat? How does knowing make you feel? How does not knowing make you feel?

Question: Do you want to know about her cheating actions? (Email/FB contact with this guy... .talking to him... .hooking up with him) How do you feel about knowing when this happens, or not knowing?

Thought: Your involvement in this process is making a mess. Consider this:

She is fighting an internal war between her desire to do the "right" thing (not cheat) and her urge to cheat. This sort of conflict can be a really hard thing to do. If she takes this internal self-conflict... .and assigns you one role in the conflict (stop her from cheating), allowing her to take the other role (trying to cheat) and make it into a fight with you.

That doesn't mean that her actions to cheat have no consequences with you. They do. You will feel hurt and betrayed if she does it. (... .Ask me how I know... .) You will feel hurt and betrayed if she stays in contact with the guy she cheated with.

Exactly why I suggested her having an accountability partner, other than yourself.  My dBPDh is to notify me (after his sponsor and therapist) if he has a slip and has any contact with another woman that is inappropriate within 24 hours.  However, using me as a sounding board for his thoughts and urges is an unhealthy dynamic.  It puts me in the role of parent and that leads to rebellion.  It also would keep me enmeshed in his problems, instead of focusing on myself and how to set healthy boundaries.  Just the perspective I am coming from with the help of professionals that specialize in this area.

[enlighten me]

Just a thought on the threatening emails. Do you think she may have made it up to divert attention from her using the email account or more worryingly do you think she could have sent them pretending to be you as a form of revenge on him?

I ask as I had a friend who cheated on his wife and the girl involved made a fake email account and sent herself threats. We never know what depths of crazy they will sink to.

[blueeyes567]

I don't think she would go that far. She knows she "used" him and has said she isn't mad even though she agrees with me that he is probably a predator that took advantage of her during a vulnerable state. We had talked before about just how he waited and then apologized and how it somewhat seems he is trying to start stuff between us so she "runs" back to him but it never crossed my mind that she is just saying it. I honestly don't think that she would do that. My first thought was him being a predator just with how things are and being on craigslist. I'm not trying to second guess things. Just trying to go day by day and see what happens without putting too much thought into things at this point. I could beat myself up everyday with thoughts. At this point, she is saying she doesn't want to check it, she isn't going on craigslist and responding to anything, she isn't posting anything. She wants to be a homebody. Her therapy has brought up a horrible molestation when she was a kid so anything sexual is the last thing on her mind with me or anyone else for that matter. I've been disassociating myself a lot lately and trying not to take rejections personal which is hard because when she isn't in this state, we are both very touchy feely and that couple that holds hands while walking through the parking lot and and in the car and yada yada which is pretty much non existance at this point. It is sort of an odd situation though because she blames me, of course, for not being intimate with her before this latest breakout so I feel like I'm between a rock and hard place. Do I continue to show affection even though it makes her feel uncomfortable or do I stop and let her make the moves or will she think I'm no longer interested and regress to finding it from someone else?

[Cloudy Days]

Just wanted to offer a word of advice that when your loved one first starts DBT things can get tense at home. Therapy stirs the pot and in order for her to get past some of this stuff the pot has to be stirred. If that makes sense. I would suggest small affectionate gestures and just see how she reacts. If she is anything like my husband, one day is different to the next.  But if I with hold affection I am always called on it, even if he is being nasty person at the time. You need to remember that no matter what happens, the blame is always going to fall on you because they will not take the blame for anything.

[Grey Kitty]

Do I continue to show affection even though it makes her feel uncomfortable or do I stop and let her make the moves or will she think I'm no longer interested and regress to finding it from someone else?

First ... .I see your fear of her cheating showing up very clearly in there. That is a very real thing to be afraid of. Spend some time with that fear. Don't choose your actions in direct reaction to that fear. Remember, she will make her own choice on this--your actions are not responsible for her choices.

Instead, act in accordance with your own values and desires. If I was in your shoes, here's what I would do:

I would show affection when I was feeling it. As a genuine expression of my feelings.

I would also back off if she seemed uncomfortable. If I felt up to the job, I would validate her feelings at the time.

If the opportunity felt right, and she was receptive, I would say that I do care, and am affectionate, and that I know she's dealing with some horrible things. Tell her that I don't want to trigger her or hurt her. And ask her what I can do to support her in her own healing.

I would be VERY reluctant push on being affectionate or sexual with her in the face of her clear discomfort. I would not even consider it without a direct and clear request from her. Even then I might not be willing/able to do it.