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Author Topic: Divorce with two young kids - do you regret it?  (Read 1461 times)
terranova79
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« on: November 08, 2014, 01:00:54 AM »

Hi everyone,

I'd like to get feedback from those who have young kids and have divorced their BPD spouses to see--on the whole--what you think about your decision to get a divorce.  Are you glad that you did?  How long did it take for any feelings of guilt on your end to subside and for you to feel confident that you made the right decision?  Are the difficulties of single/co-parenting worth the absence of all the troubles that go along with having a BPD spouse?  Is the 50% loss in custodial time made up for the quality of time you have with your kids when you see them?  Are you happier overall?  Any other advice or words of wisdom for someone in my situation--someone who really loves his young kids and the idea of an intact family, but is currently being made miserable by his uBPDw?

My situation is this.  I'm in my mid-30's, have been with my uBPDw for 10 years, married for six, and have two kids.  For years I thought my wife was just overly sensitive and emotional and just difficult but over the last year the manipulation and verbal abuse have escalated dramatically.  I learned about BPD earlier this year and am convinced my wife meets the criteria of a high functioning BPD.  I've been seeing a very good therapist for about 5 months now who specializes in BPD and--though she can't legally give an official diagnosis of someone she hasn't met--is basically convinced my wife has BPD.  My T has been emphatic in pointing out that my wife will not get better unless she seeks intensive therapy and, even with such treatment, I will have to live with the chaos of having a BPDw for the rest of my life unless I leave her.  My T has said that based on the stress she has seen me undergo, she thinks I could have serious health (i.e., stroke) and other issues unless I leave.  Family is very, very important to me and all I really want is for people to get along, but based on a number of recent events, my family (ie., my parents and siblings) has said they will have nothing more to do with my uBPDw and my wife has said she hates my family and wants nothing to do with them.  (She is furious that she learned they were mad at her for yelling at and even slapping my oldest son and thought I should file for divorce).  I love my kids more than anything and very often my wife is a great mother, but I often cringe at how harsh and demanding she is with my 2.5 year old for normal toddler things (not eating quickly, making a mess, etc.).  I know divorce would mean seeing my kids half as much, but then again I would be able to offer them the compassion and upbringing I think is appropriate, without being told I'm "spoiling" them.  If I had no kids, I'd be out of here in a heartbeat--but the idea of single parenting is honestly a new and scary concept for me.

Thank you very much for your feedback.  I really appreciate it.
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whirlpoollife
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« Reply #1 on: November 08, 2014, 02:58:53 PM »

terranova79,  you might look into the "undecided , staying or leaving" board.

I was married 27 yrs. Two kids. Now teens. If it weren't for the kids I would of filed for divorce much earlier. One of the reasons for staying for so long in the marriage was for the kids. Then I read a chapter in a book, "He's' History, You're Not" . In it , it said that divorce is actually harder on the kids when they are adults.  Your kids young enough that at first it will be traumatic for them that mom and dad are living seperate, but when they get in their routine , with consistency and structure they will feel secure with you. You will do just just fine as a single parent. In fact you will find that you are a better parent when the pwPD is not near you anymore. You will still have to deal with their mom in their lives and the affect it has on them but it is managable.  There are many single dads here who sound like great single dads so can do it!

I am still going thurough the divorce process. I have no regrets! I wish I divorced long long ago.  I always thought about it but did not act on it.
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"Courage is when you know your're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what." ~ Harper Lee
david
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« Reply #2 on: November 09, 2014, 06:25:08 AM »

The short answer: no.

I have a better relationship with our two boys because of divorce. I never expected that in the beginning (2007). I have stepsons (her kids from her first marriage) and I have a great relationship with two of them. Another has a substance abuse issue and has no relationship with his brothers or me. His mom enables him.

There is no reason to expect custody to be 50/50. If you have enough evidence to make your case that the best interest of the children would be to be with you more than you can proceed with that. I would start NOW documenting everything you can. I would carry a recorder with me to document her behaviors towards the children and you. It may not be allowed in court but a custody evaluation does not have the same constraints. In my situation I found the courts to be biased against men. However, after documenting everything I have over two years worth of overwhelming evidence that ex is still unable to parent or co parent. Solid evidence, which must be presnted as evidence and tagged as such in court, goes a long way. Judges must base their decision on the evidence presented. Just saying something on the stand is not the same as presenting evidence. Evidence is tagged and put in the case file.
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david
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« Reply #3 on: November 09, 2014, 06:27:07 AM »

My ex filed for divorce as a threat. When it didn't work she dragged the divorce out for three years and made those three years as difficult as possible.
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scraps66
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« Reply #4 on: November 18, 2014, 01:08:52 PM »

... .it's not great now, but it would have been worse for me and S7 and S10 if I'd stayed. They would have seen the worst example of abuse and parenting available.  Now, ex has a bf who is PERFECT, doesn't have a real job, drives his grand mothers car, but is perfect.  Nice guy, kids like him, he's the 30-something year old "fun dad" who plays video games, etc.  I had a feeling this would happen, that I would be replaced and alienated, but was willing to risk that and at least have the boys at a "normal" house 50% of the time.

I would have become an alcoholic and severely depressed if I'd stayed.
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Turkish
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« Reply #5 on: November 18, 2014, 02:52:49 PM »

No. And I don't miss her, but rather the idea of her. I have S4 and D2, and she finally moved out 9 months ago. S4 still indicates that he wants us to hang out together at each other's domiciles, and that's a bit difficult trying to validate him. I think what whirlpoollife said about it being easier on younger kids is probably true. A friend of mine divorced when his kids were 4 and 6 and mom and dad not together is all they have known. D2 doesn't seem to care, though she is more attached to me than her mom, and sometimes indicates that she would rather stay with me. That kills me sometimes.

All in all, I think the children not witnessing the co-dependent/BPD dance as an example of a proper, healthy r/s is the long-term benefit. Did I want my son to end up like me? Or my daughter to pick up the traits from her mom that showed that disrespect of others (especially men), emotional outbursts and the like were proper behavior for a young woman? No. I anticipate some "deprogramming" later, and that's fine. I think I can do it without alienating them.

We can't control what happens at the other home, but we have 100% control when we have the kids. I was depressed for months after we arranged the joint custody schedule, more so because I had been taking care of them more anyway while she was neglecting them to be with her paramour. It took a while to get used to having my kids taken from me, but I don't have object constancy issues. Their mom did for many months at first until I started laying down some boundaries and she got used to her new life.

Dealing with their mom still trying to engage me in her life for some weird reason is another story... . 
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hergestridge
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« Reply #6 on: November 18, 2014, 03:25:25 PM »

I was surprised how good things turned out after my divorce. My situation was similar to yours (20 years married, just one child).

My wife - who had been practically unable to take care of our daughter due to her daily dysregulations - turned out to be much more capable as a parent when she was on her own. And when she couldn't manage she actually sought help (from her parents mostly).

It seemed her BPD symtoms were much worse when she was with me. It also seemed my presence kept her from taking responsibility and shaping up in any way, propably because she was so focused on fighting me.

BPD is a disorder that manifests itself when the pwBPD is in a relationship. pwBPD are like teenagers and they are happier living on their own with less responsibilities. That's my impression and my experience.

My wife lives the life of a teenager now, throwing parties for her friends in her little apartment at age 37. I have made a schedule for our custody that gives her no room for changing her mind or negotiating + she has her fridays free. She's happy. And when she's happy she can be pleasant enough.

Then of course I'm worried for the future. She won't be there for my daughter like an adult should be, but that's a later problem.
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Turkish
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« Reply #7 on: November 18, 2014, 03:41:53 PM »

I was surprised how good things turned out after my divorce. My situation was similar to yours (20 years married, just one child).

My wife - who had been practically unable to take care of our daughter due to her daily dysregulations - turned out to be much more capable as a parent when she was on her own. And when she couldn't manage she actually sought help (from her parents mostly).

It seemed her BPD symptoms were much worse when she was with me. It also seemed my presence kept her from taking responsibility and shaping up in any way, probably because she was so focused on fighting me.

BPD is a disorder that manifests itself when the pwBPD is in a relationship. pwBPD are like teenagers and they are happier living on their own with less responsibilities. That's my impression and my experience.

My wife lives the life of a teenager now,

I'll give mine credit for trying to be a better mom out of our r/s than when she was in it. She even admitted it to me less than a month after she moved out (looking for a waif-rescue?), "I'm trying to be a better mom."

I was her biggest trigger, the r/s of two careers, running a household, and raising a baby and a toddler was too much for us to keep up the same dynamic. There was an outside trigger from her FOO that started it, but I realized it too late. What's done is done.

She's happier being party mom half of the time with her young boyfriend (19 years younger than me, and 8 years younger than her) who's still an undergrad. That's better for her to handle, and since they don't live together, and he can do what he wants on his free time, there's no real commitment. She's also trying to start a side business, which she has more time to do now.

So like yours, she seems happier now (though she still gets triggered by the kids, and admits to her depression and anger). At first, I felt like a fool, but now I am freer, and if she is a bit healthier for the kids' sake, then that is all I can ask. At least she's aware of all of this on some level, though I am careful to not "throw it in her face" as she says because that would trigger her.

As everyone thought was going to happen before she physically left, I do get the kids a little more, despite the joint custody schedule. Fine by me.
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enlighten me
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« Reply #8 on: November 18, 2014, 03:50:09 PM »

I must say that I believe its the best thing that happened for me and more importantly my sons. Where before she was useless and I was pulled between pillar and post now she is trying and I am a complete parent for them. When I have them they get the normality of a childhood. Before I was too blinded by her behaviour and too busy running around after her needs to devote much time to the boys. Now we have a lot of fun. They never want to go home and always look forward to coming to mine. They are more relaxed and have come to realise their mum has issues.
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momtara
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« Reply #9 on: November 18, 2014, 07:51:51 PM »

Have a lot to say and will try when I have more time.  But I'm the mom and got most of the time, so that's a little better than the 50 percent you will get.  Still, it's hard to miss out on family trips and stuff like that.  I wish we could have waited a little longer to divorce and been a family a bit longer, but he was just getting too nutty. 
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ForeverDad
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« Reply #10 on: November 19, 2014, 06:10:04 AM »

I wished it hadn't happened of course but since she never gave any indication of reasoning or being reasonable - for her it was Me and My child against dad and the world - then No I don't regret it.  There literally was no other choice, she was starting to look at me as though trying to portray me as a perverted child abuser.  It was rough, in the first year apart I was terrified she would find some way to have me wearing an orange jumpsuit for years.  One counselor I went to said after we separated, "If you didn't do anything wrong then you can't go to jail."  I knew better.  I would wake up in the wee hours of the morning with my mind racing and hyper alert wondering if the police were outside that night to get me.  Literally I could fall back asleep for hours and generally only for another hour of sleep before I had to get up and go to work.

It didn't get better until I was at least a year 'out'.  That's when one by one the various professionals involved in the divorce process started realizing the real picture and made passively reserved expressions of support for me.  Their response was muted and always covering their collective butts by doing the minimum possible, but it did get better.  It was so minimal at first that they weren't more 'for' me but rather like they were less 'for' her.

The court's social worker, to sum it all up, wrote that father should move up from alternate weekends to equal time and recommended a custody evaluation for custody.  It was only later I learned that in my state a social worker would violate licensing rules if commenting about custody.

I had a custody evaluator, a very perceptive one, a child psychologist, and he noted the blocking behaviors of my ex and the entire report could have been summarized in these three sentences: "Mother cannot share 'her' child but father can... .  Mother should immediately lose her temporary custody... .  If Shared Parenting is tried and fails then father should get custody... ."  But on Trial Morning after two years separated and finally ex said she was ready to settle, like all the others even the CE didn't speak out against a settlement resulting in Shared Parenting.  Everyone assumed it would happen.  Of course it didn't work, but everyone expected me to try anyway.  We were back in court a few months later.

Every year or so we'd be back in court for 15-18 months.  Only now after we finally got a workable order where ex's bark became worse than her bite - in place now for some 10 months - are things manageable.

Back in 2011 my son's GAL told me, "Because of you your son will be okay."  There are still issues, both I and my son are impacted, but after all these years and despite my ex's now somewhat toothless legal standing, it is far better than if I had stayed.
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ForeverDad
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« Reply #11 on: November 19, 2014, 06:29:49 AM »

I'll give mine credit for trying to be a better mom out of our r/s than when she was in it... .

I was her biggest trigger, the r/s of two careers, running a household, and raising a baby and a toddler was too much for us to keep up the same dynamic. There was an outside trigger from her FOO that started it, but I realized it too late. What's done is done.

As everyone thought was going to happen before she physically left, I do get the kids a little more, despite the joint custody schedule. Fine by me.

There are multiple reasons why it is actually better when separated and even divorced than to remain together in a dysfunctional, unhealthy, high conflict home.  Here are a few... .



  • BPD is a disorder affecting most the close relationships, the closer you are the worse it gets.  Though separating may ramp up the conflict, especially initially, distance does help.  Yes, divorce is rough but not getting divorced isn't better.  Inaction is not a solution.


  • You will have better and firmer boundaries.  Boundaries are crucial.  When continuing to live together it's usually to be appeaser, Whipping Boy and target.


  • You will have domestic or family court to set rules and terms that are somewhat reasonable.  While often not optimal, they're far better than the other parent would have allowed.  Before filing, your spouse is The Dictatorial Authority.  After filing, court gradually steps up to be The Reluctant But Real Authority.


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david
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« Reply #12 on: November 19, 2014, 07:10:37 AM »

My ex reluctanatly follows the court order. If we didn't have that she would have totally aleanted thye kids against me by now.

My ex was married before and she did just that with those kids and their father. She had stories, that I believed, blaming her first ex. When she left our house I received a call from her first ex mother in law. She gave me a lot of info about my ex's game plan which was very beneficial in helping me counter the alienation. Over time her alienation tactics back fired on her and she is going down the path of alienating both of our kids. She has alianted some of her kids from her first marriage. I have a great relationship with them.

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