Dealing with girls - "victims" of triangulation

[AnnaK]

There was already a topic about it, but here I get new twist.

Basic events. My uBPDbf gets into an accident and gets hurt. Next day he invites a girl for the weekend. In private he presented her to me as "just a friend", and me to her as his "business partner". Okay, I am an old cat, I grasped the situation at first sight just by looking at her face, after which the understandable tension made me withdraw under the excuse of having a flu.

Problem is that she did not understand anything

After the weekend was over and I made it clear I got it right - he checked out from the situation and basically ran away to his home city, under the pretext of accident injuries. Where he is going to stay for as long as possible, I suppose. He was in a lot of shame.

We cleared things with him, I explained that I am not going to beat him or leave him. Then we anyway had a fight, I don't really know what is our situation now, long-distance it's hard to say, especially that he blocked me in whatsapp after I lost it and went abusive (sorry, so it was - but it was not about the girl, it was about his playing victim with his injuries... .and generally leaving the poor me!).

Then... .I feel guilty about it, but I am generally quite a friendly person, so I contacted the girl on Facebook. I assumed she guessed too. So I was like going to joke about it - now that we share a boyfriend, let's go for a coffee. But she was very innocent. And somehow it happened, that I told her the whole situation. Aha. And she was very much taken off balance. They've been dating for about 6 months now. I don't think they were physically close (it's india, they don't do it as easily as in europe), but they have been emotionally close, and she sounds in love.

She said what I want from her. I said nothing - I don't take decisions for other people. I am going to let things develop their natural way, and won't interfere, whatever they both are going to do. I also said, she is not the first - if she leaves, it is very likely, there will be someone else - he is a troubled guy. I did not go into details of his problems.

Thing is that it can't last. He drinks and he is abusive, but as them all - he is extremely charming in the beginning. You know the way the BPD can do it. I never fell for his facade. As he was swearing he never hit a man except in the ring (and except his brother once, and his father once again ... .), I was thinking "aha, we have a drunk ex-boxer here, with an aggression problem... .looks like I might need some combat skills"... .but she is very innocent.

I don't know what I expect her to do. If she were wise, she'd leave right now. I would have left no matter the pain and cost.

But she sounds in love, and she is not very mature - she may stay and "fight for him". Obviously, the outcome of this fight is predefined. As she gets too close, he'll withdraw. Even if she manages to get through facade... .ooh, what a can of worms she may find there!

I don't blame him - he is disordered. I don't blame her - she was cheated.

My question is this. I feel very guilty now for having told her all that. Do you think it was a right thing to do, or should I have supported his game, given that he triangulates to fulfil his emotional needs for intimacy without getting too close?

I won't do it with the next girl - but what should I do with this one?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[AnnaK]

Please, really, help me someone - did I really screw up or was I justified when I explained the girl the situation?

[formflier]

Please, really, help me someone - did I really screw up or was I justified when I explained the girl the situation?

What would lead you to think that you screwed up with this girl?

What would lead you to think that you did the correct thing?

What was your purpose in doing this?

[AnnaK]

Please, really, help me someone - did I really screw up or was I justified when I explained the girl the situation?

What would lead you to think that you screwed up with this girl?

What would lead you to think that you did the correct thing?

What was your purpose in doing this?

1. I feel like I broke his game. Somehow it makes me feel guilty. I also feel like I made her unhappy (you bet!). That also make me feel guilty, but thinking of it - she'd anyway be unhappy in the end. Maybe the sooner she knows the better.

2. I think I might have done the correct thing, because he essentially lied to the girl (he also lied to me, but I am an old cat - I saw him through well enough)

3. I am afraid, it's my darn friendliness. "Wow, we have a triangle! Let's now all be friends!"

[formflier]

1. I feel like I broke his game. Somehow it makes me feel guilty. I also feel like I made her unhappy (you bet!). That also make me feel guilty, but thinking of it - she'd anyway be unhappy in the end. Maybe the sooner she knows the better.

You are responsible for his game... .how?  Responsible for her happiness?

2. I think I might have done the correct thing, because he essentially lied to the girl (he also lied to me, but I am an old cat - I saw him through well enough)

So... .are you enforcing a boundary here?  Are you getting even?  Righting wrongs?  I would hope that you can spend some time thinking about you... .and your purposes... .

You are doing great job posting and asking questions... .this is good... .I think you are on right track...

3. I am afraid, it's my darn friendliness. "Wow, we have a triangle! Let's now all be friends!"

Do you want a triangle?  How does that match up with your core values for a r/s?

[AnnaK]

1. I feel like I broke his game. Somehow it makes me feel guilty. I also feel like I made her unhappy (you bet!). That also make me feel guilty, but thinking of it - she'd anyway be unhappy in the end. Maybe the sooner she knows the better.

You are responsible for his game... .how?  Responsible for her happiness?

I am terrified like a kid: "WOW, what did I do, how is he going to solve it now?"

I understand that it's irrational. But how do the unfaithful men generally deal with these situations? I have no clue - I have never done anything of that sort.

As for her happiness - I am afraid, she would be way happier without a batterer with a drinking problem. I started boxing as soon as I saw his red flags - he is physically unable to batter me.  It's not the case with her.

2. I think I might have done the correct thing, because he essentially lied to the girl (he also lied to me, but I am an old cat - I saw him through well enough)

So... .are you enforcing a boundary here?  Are you getting even?  Righting wrongs?  I would hope that you can spend some time thinking about you... .and your purposes... .

You are doing great job posting and asking questions... .this is good... .I think you are on right track...

No, it's not a boundary. I have nothing to get even for - I am not angry. I am not righting wrongs - I am not a judge.

In fact, I thought she knew everything just by looking at me - the way I did when I saw her. So I was like "Some men are impossible" - and she was like "What happened?" - and I was like "Well, my boyfriend of 2 years has brought a girl to sleep in his room... ."

3. I am afraid, it's my darn friendliness. "Wow, we have a triangle! Let's now all be friends!"

Do you want a triangle?  How does that match up with your core values for a r/s?

[/quote]
In fact, in the past I was attracted into triangles, and I had hard time leaving a triangle. Then I made a rule for myself to quit as soon as I see a triangle - because otherwise I get sucked in. But I am not going to follow this rule now - the man is troubled and seems like he did not know what he was doing.

Still, it's better that we don't have a triangle.

It does not affect my core values anyhow - I can exist in a triangle forever.

[AnnaK]

... .Except that in a triangle I will probably keep trying to make everybody friends and to let everybody have the fair share of the man.

[formflier]

 

How are you responsible for the actions of others?

Why not let him figure out what he is going to do... .

Same for her... .

Even if you like being in a triangle... .focus on your part... .seems to me like trying to be the conductor that directs the entire thing would be tiring... .do you ever feel that way?

Why are you responsible for her happiness?

[AnnaK]

How are you responsible for the actions of others?

Why not let him figure out what he is going to do... .

Same for her... .

Even if you like being in a triangle... .focus on your part... .seems to me like trying to be the conductor that directs the entire thing would be tiring... .do you ever feel that way?

Why are you responsible for her happiness?

1. You are right - I am not responsible for his actions. True enough. I have been politely closing my eyes at some things - but he could not have expected that if he brings the girl directly in front of my eyes, I will pretend that I do not see her. And if I see her - obviously, I may do something about it.

I am not sure, was it self-sabotaging or what... .

2. And maybe you are right - I am trying to be the conductor and set up a stage for the whole thing and see how it is going to develop.  

I should let them figure it out for themselves and stop wondering what they are going to do now. Me personally, I don't really specially care if the girl stays or goes - for me it does not matter.

3. I know the right thing that she has to do for her best - leave immediately - but I should let her learn her own lessons. I told her that too, that I am not making decisions for her.

[AnnaK]

I can't tell with certainty that I am not responsible for her happiness - in a way, I feel like I might be responsible for the happiness of the people around me.

Yet I understand that there is no way to learn to ride the bike without falling from it at least once.

[AnnaK]

Yeah, you are right.

I think I have no reasons to feel scared that I "screwed it up for him".

He created the situation, I acted the way I usually act in this situations - trying to get closer to the other girl in a friendly way (who could tell, that she did not suspect anything?)... .so the worms got out of the can, now he has to figure out how to collect them.

I can't imagine that the adult man could expect that he can bring two of his girls into the same house - and everything would work out just fine.

That's sufficient that I am not complicating it for him - I talked to him, getting through all his self-loathing and projections and explained that even though I am aware he was having an affair, he does not have to die over it. He was actually very surprised and relieved to hear it.

[formflier]

  I acted the way I usually act in this situations - 

Is this a good way to act?  Are you happy with this?  Content?

If a friend came to you with this situation... .how would you advise them?

[AnnaK]

Well, I now have to go, so we have to finish it here. I feel better now, so I probably got through my feelings, thanks a lot.

I don't know if it's a good way to act. I don't know what is the "right" way to act. I am not sure why should I mind his girlfriends - he triangulated all the time I know him (even if sometimes it was just long phone talks), it's probably part of the disorder. It did not interfere with our other stuff. As for the girls - they are responsible for themselves.

If a friend got into this situation, I would advice her to do nothing if she is the "main" girl and leave immediately, if she is the "second" girl.

However, I did not tell the whole story - as the girl was in our house I did tell him that before continuing our relationship, he has to get single. It made him angry (banging doors and yelling abuses), so he had to send the girl urgently home - she is not prepared to face this side of his personality.

[AnnaK]

Those "other" girls never come to know the "real" him - and if they do, they would not stay with him, and he is perfectly aware of it. They get the "facade". I am perfectly aware of it, so I am not specially bothered with it... .it kinda does not even feel like cheating to me. It feels more like a game or a show that he stages... .

When the show was over and he started to get aggressive - I suggested him to keep the girl safe by all means, and he removed her from the house in 15 minutes - so he was aware that it was time to do it.

[formflier]

 

How is he dealing with... .treating... .the disorder?

How are you dealing with it?

[AnnaK]

How is he dealing with... .treating... .the disorder?

How are you dealing with it?

Well, we are not in the situation when treating the disorder is an option. 

We have to deal with [his] alcoholism before anything. We don't have sufficient resources. We do not live in the same country. When we do live together, we live in India, and from other forums, I heard that in India they diagnosed some girl with BPD as bipolar - in a good clinic.

I doubt I can find a good doctor here, I doubt I can pay for his therapy. 

I removed him from family house (there it gets worse, seems like up to the point of violence), got him a place to live independently. It improved things - he got much calmer.

I am dealing with his alcoholism, slowly changing his priorities, so that he would finally consider abstinence. We are halfway through now. Obviously, alcohol dulls emotions, all these interesting events happened after he stayed sober for 2 weeks. That's bad of course that sobriety affects his emotions - but should we start some place, right?

Therapy under alcohol is not possible.

Though I had to do it too, so to say... .it's weird, but it helps - at least we have cleaned out suicidal ideation back then, and he started to get better ideas about his future than "sacrifice my life for my father so that he can live the rest of his life in peace" - most probably, his father is NPD - extremely invalidating.

We fought a lot initially when we just started to live together, but now that I learned the validation and dealing with projections, things improved. He does not feel unheard anymore, and I am quite capable of defusing fights and helping him deal with other emotions. Moreover, I am capable of making sense of his words.

Say, after this episode, all he did was blaming me in immoral behaviour and trying to tell me that he can't stay with me after what he saw. I correctly took it for projections and explained that I still want him near me... .crisis was defused.

He tried to be violent to me, but I learned martial arts and he now can't hurt me.

[AnnaK]

I see my first priority is getting him reasonably functional - then we'll see.

I saw him functional periodically - he can do it.

[AnnaK]

Not to mention, that he does recognise alcoholism, but he does not even think about a mental disorder - for him, it's like being called insane.

He sometimes tells me that I am "psychopatic" and I need a doctor :-) Especially after he yells and bangs the doors, he tells me that :-)

Obvious projection, although he is not psychopath, but if we don't enter into details he might be taken for one... .

He was once taken to a psychologist by his father, under the pretext that he "gets drunk and beats the family", but he showed his "nice guy facade", and the psychologist concentrated on his father. After a couple of visits the father got tired and they dropped the therapy.

[formflier]

I see my first priority is getting him reasonably functional - then we'll see.

I saw him functional periodically - he can do it.

I see you putting a lot of work and effort in this.  I appreciate it.  Sometimes that is needed to get things going in the right direction.

Is he taking ownership of his issues? 

Are you taking ownership of your issues?

[AnnaK]

I am taking ownership of my stuff, he is pretty much aware he has issues, but I informed him that to drink or not to drink can only be his decision. I won't be deciding for him, shaming him, request promises etc.

But I make sure to correctly inform him what he does in blackouts ("dear, yesterday night you tried to beat me up so that I'd give you money! Thanks to my Muay Thai skills, nobody got hurt" - and connect the negative stuff to drinking (ex: job loss).

I also told that I m not accepting any guilt trips (ex: "... .but I yell because you provoke me by talking back!". Unless I put a gun to your head.

For the rest of issues he tends to feel a lot of shame after it's done - so I have to be careful not to provoke self-loathing crisis - they are not constructive. It's more like I have to reassure him to reduce his self-beating

Well, it's a long story, but generally I m trying to avoid the role of enabler and so far seems like almost always it works

[AnnaK]

I also have to find a compromise between not being hostile to his parents - but also avoiding the situation when they act as rescuers/persecutors.

Thankfully, they paint him black almost always, so he's not getting along with them and happily accepted my suggestion to rent us a flat

[AnnaK]

Just I love him and want him alive. That simple. On the way he was going, he was not going to stay alive for more than 5-10 years. So I had to invest the work